“My hair?”
“Did they save it?”
Tears fill his eyes.
“I don’t think so.”
“It’s gone?” His finger withdraws.
“It’ll grow back even this way.”
He swallows hard. “But your hair, Leese.”
“I couldn’t look after it.”
His head shakes denial.
“That’s why I got nurses.”
I close my eyes to block out his pain.
“I can’t stay here forever.”
“I would have washed it for you,
babe, every day.” His voice throbs.
I open my eyes and watch tears,
one by one, roll down his cheeks.
I wipe at his tears with my robe’s sleeve.
I never thought of that—
thought of him—thought of
what he might need to hold
on to.
I thought only me.
And what I’d lost.
I try to kiss away his tears
and feel like a coward.
A cruel, selfish coward
who crushes,
maims,
and kills.
MICHAEL’S DIVE LOG – VOLUME #10
Dive Buddy: Leesie
Date: 04/28
Dive #: --
Location: Grand Cayman
Dive Site: Rehab Center
Weather Condition: Stormy
Water Condition: pouring down my face
Depth: can’t tell
Visibility: 0
Water Temp: hot
Bottom Time: the rest of my life
Comments:
I don’t know how we go from me sobbing like a wimpedout baby over Leesie’s lost hair to us making out on her cushy white bed, but that’s what happens. She starts it. I don’t resist.
I have to be careful not to lie on her IV’s hose, careful not to jar her injuries, careful not to lose control. Leesie offers no barriers but makes no demands. She just lies flat on her back, my ring balancing on her stomach. The chain’s too long for her. I’m on my side so I can reach her.
We kiss soft and slow. Her lip doesn’t bleed this time. She’s pumped full of drugs so I don’t think it hurts her to kiss me. She kisses me over and over. The movement of her mouth on mine is tender—like I’m the patient. And she the comforter.
I move my mouth to her unhurt lower lip, suck softly a moment, slip my lips to her chin, her neck, her ear. I hesitate a moment then move my mouth to the soft skin of her new shaved head, exploring every inch, trying to fall in love again.
“I’m sorry,” she whispers.
I pause and murmur, “More safe skin,” and go back to kissing it, absorbing every contour of her skull into my soul. I avoid the jagged gash and purple stitches holding it together. Her scalp is warm, vibrant, alive against my lips. That’s what counts, I try to convince myself. She’s here, alive—not on that mountainside dead.
“I love you, Michael, forgive me for making it harder for you.”
“Will you marry me, Leese, at the end of the summer?”
“I’ll marry you tomorrow.”
“Sorry, babe. No can do. I want you in shape for 24/7.”
We both laugh at that, and I cradle her head, afraid to let it go again.
Chapter 5
HEARTLESS
LEESIE HUNT / CHATSPOT LOG / 04/28 9:37 PM
Kimbo69 says: Where’ve you guys been? I signed on three hours ago.
Leesie327 says: Hooray, Kim!!! Michael just told me he found you. This is a cool surprise. He says he filled you in.
Kimbo69 says: With everything except where you are and why you’re hours late for our chat.
Leesie327 says: We were busy.
Kimbo69 says: Busy? He told me he wasn’t taking advantage of you. You big dirty liar. Busy? How busy?
Leesie327 says: Be nice to him or I’m signing off.
Kimbo69 says: Was that from him or you?
Leesie327 says: Me. I fell asleep because I’m pumped full of morphine. Before that, we were truly busy. I shaved my head, and Michael asked me to marry him.
Kimbo69 says: Cause and effect? Odd strategy for getting him to commit.
Leesie327 says: He’s always been committed.
Kimbo69 says: You believe that?
Leesie327 says: He’s very convincing in person.
Kimbo69 says: I’ll give him that much. So he proposed for the hundred millionth time. What did you say?
Leesie327 says: Yes, of course. He didn’t really need to ask. I’ve been wearing his ring since I woke up from the accident.
Kimbo69 says: Get you when you’re down, huh. When’s the big day?
Leesie327 says: He says end of the summer. I say tomorrow.
Kimbo69 says: Don’t you have a cast on your hand and other broken stuff?
Leesie327 says: Michael is creative. I’m sure he can work around my shortcomings.
Kimbo69 says: Did that come from you or the scribe?
Leesie327 says: Me. The scribe is blushing.
Kimbo69 says: I’d like to see that.
Leesie327 says: It’s totally irresistible. (Change the subject, girls, or the scribe is out of here.)
Kimbo69 says: Touchy, touchy. Listen up, Leese. Take it from your friend with years of experience. If you’re going to finally do it, wait until you can use your hands.
Leesie327 says: (Come off it, Kim. Don’t go there.)
Kimbo69 says: Butt out, Mr. Secretary. This actually has nothing to do with you. She needs to hear this. I bled for like a week after my first time. You need to be able to deal with the mess.
Kimbo69 says: Hello? Where are you? Don’t get mad at me. I’m just telling you what you need to know.
Kimbo69 says: Hey guys, this is getting rude.
Leesie327 says: sorry slow
Kimbo69 says: He bailed?
Leesie327 says: yup
Kimbo69 says: Figures. Such a wimp.
Leesie327 says: be nice
Kimbo69 says: I don’t trust him, Leesie. What the hell are you thinking?
Leesie327 says: he saved me
Kimbo69 says: Don’t go making him a hero.
Leesie327 says: i wanted to die
Kimbo69 says: He told me you blame yourself for the accident. Don’t be crazy.
Leesie327 says: all my fault
Kimbo69 says: Even if you made a mistake driving, accidents are accidents. Your parents won’t blame you.
Leesie327 says: not that easy
Kimbo69 says: What happened in that pickup? It must have been bad for you to react like this.
Leesie327 says: promise not to tell anybody?
Kimbo69 says: I’ll help you sort it out…it can’t be that bad.
Leesie327 says: i haven’t told anyone…trying to hide
Kimbo69 says: It must be rough, girl. But you’ll get through this.
Leesie327 says: can i trust you?
Kimbo69 says: Do you even need to ask?
Leesie327 says: we had this huge fight
Kimbo69 says: You and Phil?
Leesie327 says: that’s why i crashed
Kimbo69 says: I don’t think so—you always fought with him.
Leesie327 says: the last thing my brother heard was me screaming at him and squealing tires
Kimbo69 says: I know he’s dead and he’s your brother and all, but if he was being a snot and distracted you, it’s his fault, too.
Leesie327 says: he said the worst things about Michael
Kimbo69 says: Michael? When I talked to you last, it was all about Jaron. What happened?
Leesie327 says: i drove through mountains and realized i couldn’t love jaron because i still love michael…so excited… knew i’d see him soon somehow…i told phil
Kimbo69 says: He didn’t agree?
Leesie327 says: i’ve never been so angry…i wanted to kill him
Kimbo69 says: no you didn’t
Leesie327 says: b
ut i did…i murdered my brother
Kimbo69 says: No, you didn’t.
Leesie327 says: shoot, kim…you can’t say anything about this to michael…he’ll think it’s his fault…and that’s so wrong
Kimbo69 says: Take it easy with Michael.
Leesie327 says: im living now for him…doing a crap job so far but trying
Kimbo69 says: How’d you convince him to get baptized?
Leesie327 says: hes not
Kimbo69 says: But that was your thing. You wouldn’t say, “yes,” until he joined your church.
Leesie327 says: doesnt matter now
Kimbo69 says: excuse me?
Leesie327 says: i dont even care if we get married first
Kimbo69 says: What’s got into you? You told me it was huge earth-shattering sin to do it without being married.
Leesie327 says: nothing compared to what I did to Phil…God won’t forgive me that
Kimbo69 says: He forgives everybody—even girls like me. That’s what I’m counting on.
Leesie327 says: not me…i murdered my brother
Kimbo69 says: It’s twisted to call it’s murder. It was an accident. God won’t blame you. I don’t think your parents blame you, either.
Leesie327 says: they will if you ever tell them about that fight
Kimbo69 says: So you’re hiding with Michael? He says the Mermaid Thai Queen was a friend. How can you buy that?
Leesie327 says: his eyes dont lie
Kimbo69 says: When are you going to come clean about the accident?
Leesie327 says: never…keep your mouth shut, too…you promised
Kimbo69 says: Go home, Leesie. It’s not too late. Tell your parents everything. They’ll understand.
Leesie327 says: no…what if they tell michael? or blame him?
Kimbo69 says: They won’t. At least call them so they know you’re okay.
Leesie327 says: no
Kimbo69 says: They just lost their son. Running away like this is too cruel. How can you do that to your dad?
Leesie327 says: had to…cant go home
Kimbo69 says: Can I tell them where you are?
Leesie327 says: did Michael tell you
Kimbo69 says: No. Can I at least call and tell them you’re safe?
Leesie327 says: dont
Kimbo69 says: Come on. Give them something.
Leesie327 says: ok call
Kimbo69 says: Good girl. You owe me huge for this, by the way. Gigantically huge.
Leesie327 says: don’t tell them about my hair
Kimbo69 says: What should I tell them?
Leesie327 says: best medical care
Kimbo69 says: That’s good. What about you’re wedding plans?
Leesie327 says: no
Kimbo69 says: You want them to think you’re shacking up with him?
Leesie327 says: no
Kimbo69 says: Okay. I’ll try to explain that. What if they ask me why you left?
Leesie327 says: dont tell them…i trusted you…please…i’ll die if my mom ever finds out i was screaming at her boy when i lost control of the truck
Kimbo69 says: She’ll understand. They love you. You call them. Tell them everything. Michael will take you home. He told me so.
Leesie327 says: no…im fine…tell them that…nothing else or i’ll hate you forever
Kimbo69 says: Okay.
Leesie327 says: crap
Kimbo69 says: Is he back? You better delete this chat.
Leesie327 says: jarons online got to get off
LEESIE HUNT / CHATSPOT LOG / 04/28 10:27 PM
jRun says: Leesie? You’re online? What happened to you?
You’re parents are going crazy. They called me. Your dad’s voice. I’ve never heard so much pain.
Leesie327 says: please tell him im sorry
jRun says: I blame myself for trusting that creep, Michael. He came off so sincere. And you wanted him not me. That much was clear. I couldn’t stand to see you with him like that, so I walked.
Leesie327 says: not your fault
jRun says: But he stole you. Where are you? I’ll come get you. I’ll call your Dad. We’ll both come. The whole branch will come. Anything to get you home. I love you. You got to believe that. I’m kicking myself for leaving you alone with him. Whatever’s happened with him—I don’t care. Let me make it up to you, Leesie. Please. Where are you?
Leesie327 says: my idea to run
jRun says: You must have felt so desperate. I didn’t realize. I should have stayed.
Leesie327 says: forget me
jRun says: No way. You’ll get through the grief. I saw it on my mission. I can help you.
Leesie327 says: im a murderer
jRun says: No. You’re not. Talk to my dad. He’ll help. That’s not what those scriptures mean.
Leesie327 says: im dead
jRun says: That’s stupid. Think about what you’re doing. Who you’re hurting.
Leesie327 says: you?
jRun says: Your mom and dad, Stephie—all of us back at the branch. And, yes, me.
Leesie327 says: sorry
jRun says: I still love you. Doesn’t that matter?
Leesie327 says: it did in high school but you ignored me
jRun says: Ancient history—don’t throw that in my face at a time like this.
Leesie327 says: when would be a better time
jRun says: I didn’t know you were like this.
Leesie327 says: honest
jRun says: Heartless.
Leesie327 says: taken
jRun says: Tell Michael to remember what I said in the hospital. I meant it. Every word.
Leesie327 says: my idea…not his…leave him alone…leave me alone
jRun says: Don’t say that. A week ago you kissed me and said you loved me.
Leesie327 says: no, i didnt…i couldnt say it…remember? i love him…thats never going to change
LEESIE’S MOST PRIVATE CHAPBOOK
POEM # 78, HOME?
Run home,
run home,
run home.
Heartless.
Heartless.
Heartless.
Run home,
run home,
run home.
Heartless.
Heartless.
Heartless.
Michael discovers me,
laptop slammed closed
on my stretched out thighs,
propped straight up in my
bed that sits for me,
beating my broken hand
against my glossy head.
“Whoa, babe. Stop.”
His hand closes around mine.
“Kim’s an idiot. It won’t be that
bad. I promise.”
I slit open one eye
like a cornered creature,
realize he’s talking about
our first time. My face
squinches up. “Do you think
I’m heartless?” emerges beyond
my control.
He doesn’t answer right away,
doesn’t pat my head and kiss it better.
“Michael?”
He won’t meet my eyes. “Please,
let me call your dad. That’s what
I feel worst about.”
My eyes drop, too. “Phil’s funeral
is tomorrow.”
“Can I call in the morning?”
Our hands meet in the covers.
“Kim’s going to call and—”
“Then I should, too. Please.”
He kisses my head, and I melt.
“Okay.”
His next kiss finds my mouth,
speaks relief. “You’re not heartless.”
His lips press against my beating,
bandaged sternum.
I should warn him about Jaron
who is probably calling right now,
screaming into the phone,
cursing me—cursing Michael.
Maybe Kim called first. br />
“What time is it there?”
He glances at the silver globe
iPod dock alarm clock by my bed.
“About 8:15.”
“Call him tonight then. Back
at your hotel.”
He nods, frowns. “You’re
okay? I can leave?”
I force a smile and hold up
my white nurse buzzer.
“Yup. I’ve got nurses.”
I hold his lips too long
when he puts them on mine
to say good-night. “I’ll
stay ’til you sleep.”
I kiss him once more, push
him away. “No. Call him.”
Chapter 6
UNSAID
MICHAEL’S DIVE LOG – VOLUME #10
Dive Buddy: Leesie
Date: 04/29
Dive #: not in the water
Location: Grand Cayman
Dive Site: Rehab Center
Weather Condition: mild
Water Condition: dry
Depth: wading today
Visibility: better
Water Temp: thermocline—cool to hot
Bottom Time: 24 hours
Comments:
It’s past midnight when I get back to the hotel. New day. Yesterday seemed like a lifetime. Leesie’s home phone is busy when I try to call. If her dad has a cell, I don’t know the number. Leesie never had one back home. Too broke. Crap reception in a wheat field.
I try again in ten minutes. Busy. Fall asleep before the next ten minutes are up.
I wake up a couple hours later. Don’t know where I am. Freak. Figure it out. Pick up the phone. Try again. It’s still not too late back there. Eleven. Big deal. He’ll be up.
“Hello?” It’s him.
I should have planned this better, written it out or something. I’m at a total loss what to say. “Please, sir. Don’t hang up.”
“No. No. Of course not.” His warm voice sounds like rescue. “Don’t be afraid, Michael. Just bring her home. That’s all we care about. She’s hurt.”
I want to tell him we’re getting on a plane tomorrow. “She’s getting the best care on earth.” Plus Cayman sunshine. Nothing can beat that.
“Where are you?”
“She won’t let me tell anyone yet.”