I went home that night to an empty house. I kept trying Mom’s phone. My calls immediately went to voice mail. I reached Hayley at college to see if she’d heard from Mom or Dad. She hadn’t, but she did talk to the police. She assured me everything was going to be fine. And I believed her, because that was back when I could trust Hayley. Back when she had my back. Or maybe I wanted to believe her because I couldn’t fathom the other possibility. The one that would soon be my reality.
I went to school the next day. But by the time I got home, the house wasn’t empty. The police were there. They started asking more questions I couldn’t answer. My mom had simply vanished.
“Is there somebody I can call?” the sheriff had asked.
I didn’t have anybody but Hayley. A social worker came over and talked to me. Finally, Lila’s family was brought to my house and filled in on what had happened. I was going to stay with them for a couple of days until my mom came home.
At that time, I had expected Mom would come home. She wouldn’t simply abandon her daughter or leave without a good-bye.
That night, when Mrs. Beckett tucked me in, she stroked my face and told me it was all going to be okay. That was the first time I saw that look. The one I’ve come to despise so much.
I’ve seen it so much this last year. Two weeks after my mom left, the social worker and sheriff sat me down with my growing support group that consisted of Lila’s parents, Brady’s parents, and Hope’s mom. With that look, they told me that they didn’t think my mom was coming back. That whatever assets my parents hadn’t taken with them were being seized by the government. It took me a while to realize that meant there was no money and I had no home. There wasn’t anything to pay for Hayley’s college or even something as insignificant as my braces. They wanted to do a big community fund-raiser, but I begged them not to do it.
School was one of the few places I didn’t have to endure that look. The cafeteria workers were aware I was on the school lunch program, a few friends knew, but that was it.
I desperately wanted to keep it a secret so people wouldn’t pity me. I didn’t want what my parents did to define who I was. I started formulating a plan with Hayley to get out of town. To get away from a past that haunts me, from the people who judge me because of what my parents did, and most of all, to get as far away as possible from that look.
Over time, that look has somewhat faded from those who know the truth. I’ve become a part of Lila’s and Brady’s families. Mrs. Kaplan simply wants to make sure I’m fed. Even the lunch ladies seem more impressed by how much I can eat than feel sorry for me anymore. The social worker merely sees me as someone she needs to keep tabs on until I turn eighteen.
There are days, especially at school, when I feel normal again. I’m just another student.
But that’s been taken away from me.
451 DAYS LEFT
When I really think about it, it was inevitable.
“We need to talk,” I tell Brady when we get into his car after school the next day.
“Okay, but we talk all the time.” He winks at me in an attempt to lighten the mood.
Yes, we used to talk all the time. Now, every word and movement between us has been strained. We’re like two dancers out of synch. While I would have preferred for Hope not to know my situation, it isn’t the end of the world. Or at least, it doesn’t need to be.
“I’m not going to be mad, but I need to know. Did you tell Hope about me?”
Brady’s forced smile falters. He drops his head. “I’m sorry.”
“Is that why you’ve been so distant lately? I’ll admit I’m not thrilled about it, but we can get through this.” I didn’t need to remind him we’ve been through worse. “Granted, I could do without her not even remotely subtle attempts to give me things. Still, it’s nice she seems to hate me less.”
As much as I wish she didn’t know, I made the conscious decision to look on the positive side. I have few moments these days when there could even be a positive spin. So Hope knows. She hasn’t gone around school screaming my shame at the top of her lungs. She doesn’t seem to be relishing it, as I assumed she would.
Brady clenches his jaw. “I didn’t mean to. She tricked me. I’m actually pretty mad at her.”
“How did she do that?” How can someone trick someone into spilling something?
“She could tell something was bothering me and just, she knows me really well. And I don’t know. I felt so stupid.”
All I can hear him saying is that what’s going on with me is bothering him. How could it not? But I wish he would talk to me about it instead of Hope prying it out of him.
“Honestly,” I say, “I’m surprised it’s taken this long for her to find out, especially with how much her mother helped us in the beginning.”
Hope’s mom is one of those people who’s always willing to help someone in need. It was Brady’s parents who confided in her when things started to fall apart. She came to our aid when we were moving into the trailer and even made us some dinners our first month on our own. Mrs. Kaplan seemed to crave the opportunity to take care of us.
“It’s totally okay, really,” I assure Brady. “Plus, Hope’s your closest friend.”
“A friend who tricked me.”
“Are you really mad at Hope?” I didn’t think Brady had the capability to get mad at anybody, especially Hope. He’s usually pretty relaxed about things.
“I’m annoyed. I feel like I betrayed you.”
So his sour demeanor was solely because he was looking out for me. I put my hand on top of his. “Don’t worry about it. Don’t get mad at Hope. She was really cool with me, so I guess some good has come of it.”
I’ve never wanted to come between Brady and Hope. I only wish I had that kind of lifelong bond with someone. I used to have that with Hayley. It seems like decades since we would finish each other’s sentences and tell embarrassing stories about each other. When she came home from college, we’d spend her first day home in bed, watching old family sitcoms, eating ice cream from the container, and dissecting our current crushes or boyfriends. Our parents were more than happy to have us both out of their hair for a day.
“So what else is going on?” I ask Brady, grateful that his odd behavior has been solved.
“Not much.” He starts up the car. “You working today?”
“No. I get today off since I had to work a double on Monday.”
“Okay. I’ll take you home then.”
Relief flows through me as things are getting back to normal between us. That’s all I want: to hold on to the normal parts of my life for as long as I can.
He rests his hand on my knee and I feel everything righting itself, until Brady turns the car away from his home. I assumed when he said home he meant his house. I haven’t been there in over a week. It’s going to be freezing back in the trailer, but I don’t want to force myself on him. I’ll give Brady the time he needs and try once again to look at the positive side: I could use a couple of hours of peace at home to catch up on homework, since I have to tutor and work tomorrow.
“So what are you going to do with your time now the club’s over?” I ask him.
He shrugs. “It’s nice not to have that stress anymore. I was getting burned out on it anyway.”
I place my hand on top of his. “I can think of someone who wouldn’t mind some extra Brady time.”
He squeezes back. “I’m not feeling that great, babe. Give me a day or two to rest, but I’ll pick you up tomorrow.”
“Okay,” I reply, my voice tiny.
There’s something still wrong with Brady. If it isn’t him divulging to Hope, what could it be?
We spend the rest of the short ride not really speaking. When he takes the turn to our trailer, I spot Hayley’s car in front.
Brady breaks the silence. “I thought Hayley would be at work.”
“Me too.” My plans for a quiet afternoon are ruined. Maybe I should call Lila to see if she can pick me up after basket
ball practice? I can’t spend an entire afternoon with Hayley.
Brady finally looks at me, his brows knit in concern. “Are you going to be okay?”
No. I’m not going to be okay. I haven’t been okay in a really long time. But there are certain battles I need to face on my own. Brady’s had to do enough. I should be able to do something as simple as be in the same trailer as my sister.
“Of course!” I reply as I get out of the car.
I give Brady a big smile as I wave good-bye. I take a deep breath as I open the trailer door, wondering what’s waiting for me inside.
The trailer is dark, the curtains drawn. Hayley is lying on the couch/my bed with sunglasses on her face, an empty McDonald’s bag in front of her. She’s watching some talk show with the volume low.
“I thought you had to work,” she says to me without even glancing my way.
“I have the afternoon off.” I stand there, not really sure where to go. There aren’t a lot of options and she’s currently taking up the only space in the trailer that’s mine.
She lights a cigarette.
“Can you please not smoke on my bed?” I ask.
“Can you please not smoke,” she mimics me in a high, annoying voice. “You’re such a saint.” She blows the smoke directly onto my sleeping bag.
“Why aren’t you at work?”
“Not feeling well,” she replies, although I suspect it’s not a cold that has her down, but a hangover. This isn’t the first time I’ve seen her in this condition. “Besides, I’ve decided my talents are better served elsewhere.”
“What does that mean?”
She pushes the sunglasses up to her forehead—her eyes are red and watery. “It means, baby sister, I got sacked. Bunch of thankless ingrates. Like it’s such a pleasure to serve and clean up after drunken buffoons.”
I lean against the trailer door, taking in the weight of what she’s telling me. “You got fired?”
There is no positive side of this scenario. It’s a disaster. There’s no way I can float us by myself. Hayley needs a job. Not solely to help pay the bills, but because part of the condition of her guardianship is that she must remain employed. The social worker was never thrilled Hayley was working at a bar, but at least she was earning a steady paycheck on top of tips.
Hayley puts her sunglasses back on and turns the volume up on the TV. “I figure I can take some time off since you have a nice cushy tutoring gig. Let’s face it, the only reason I’m stuck in this hellhole is because of you.”
“We’re stuck in this situation because of Mom and Dad,” I remind her, even though I don’t have the fight in me to defend myself. I’m tired of this conversation. I’m tired of arguing with her. I’m tired of it all. “Do you think that I want to live like this? Your attitude is making it worse.”
She stabs her cigarette out on my sleeping bag. “Yes, because a sunny disposition will make all this go away. I’m only one smile away from the heat working! And if I think of unicorns and rainbows, the rent will magically be paid!”
“Hayley, please,” I beg, desperately wishing my sister would resurface from the pool of negativity sitting in front of me. “We can make this better. We simply have to work a little harder.”
“I’m sick of working. I’m sick of having to take care of you.” Her voice is emotionless and distant.
“When was the last time you’ve done anything for me?” I scream. Tears start welling up behind my eyes. “I don’t even know who you are anymore. I’m in this by myself.”
“Please, poor you,” she spits back at me. “You have Lila and Brady. How are those free handouts you get on a daily basis? What about me? I have nobody looking out for me. Let’s tell it like it is: You have everything, while I have nobody. Period.”
“That’s not true—you have me.” She does. Even though I’ve tried to be as far away from Hayley as possible the last few months. It breaks my heart she feels that way, but she never spent a lot of time in this town when we still had a normal life. When we moved here, she was already in college and only came to visit during the holidays. She didn’t know anybody here except our parents and my friends. She spent summers at school, taking a couple of classes and staying at her sorority house. She never really made a home here before she was forced to move back. “We’re in this together.”
She laughs coldly. “Spare me. You’re planning on ditching this place the second you graduate.”
“But you can leave, too! What about college? What about planning for a future?” I press her. It’s a conversation I’ve tried to have with her many times in the past, but she always shuts me down.
“I have no future.”
“Hayley—”
She cuts me off. “I’m so tired of you thinking that you’re better than me. You’re a spoiled little princess who has ruined my life. I hate you.”
Tears are starting to fall down my cheeks. “You don’t mean that.”
She stands up. There is so much anger in her face. For the first time, I’m truly scared. I always knew I’d be able to handle school and work, but I can’t lose the only family member I have left. I can’t have her also abandon me.
“I do,” she says. “I hate you and wish you were never born. GET OUT!” She points to the door. “GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE! I never, and I mean never, want to see you again.”
I quickly turn around and leave the trailer, slamming the door behind me. I’m fully sobbing now. I look around the trailer park, wondering where I can go, who I can call.
I’m three miles from downtown. I do the only thing I can think of and start walking.
Lila’s at practice. Things with Brady are too fragile. My sister hates me.
I really am on my own.
“Want another slice?” Peter offers as I wait in The Pie Shoppe for Lila.
“Thanks,” I reply as he places another plain slice in front of me.
“What aren’t you telling me?” He tilts his head to the side. Peter knows about my situation. But he, like everybody else in my life, remains clueless about Hayley. “I can tell something’s bothering you. Brady?”
“No, my sister and I got into a fight. It’s nothing,” I lie, because it’s everything.
How can I ever go back there after she said all those hateful things to me? How can things ever be the same?
What hurts most is that even though things have been tense with Hayley, she’s stayed. She wasn’t like Mom and Dad, who bailed. What is it about me that makes people want to leave?
I start to sniff. I grab a napkin from the metal holder on the table and blow my nose. I can’t start sobbing in front of Peter. He can’t know the truth. The real truth. Nobody can.
“Great,” I say with a forced laugh. “And now I think I’m catching her cold.”
That’s the lie I told Lila: My sister has the flu and I don’t want to get sick. It should buy me a few days before her parents start asking questions about why I haven’t gone home.
Home. Like I know what that is anymore. Maybe I can convince Lila’s parents to let me stay long-term. Maybe I can take the GRE and then leave. But I don’t have enough money for college yet.
“You know I’m here for you if you need anything,” Peter offers.
“I know, I appreciate it. You don’t have to worry about me—just a bad day.” I’ve had plenty of bad days, but this day is more than bad. It’s the apocalypse of my world as I know it.
“Order’s up,” Tiffany, the other waitress, informs Peter as he excuses himself to the kitchen.
I finish up the rest of my homework right as Lila arrives. “Hey!” she greets me. “Sorry to hear about Hayley. You ready to go?”
“Yes.” I take my plate and utensils to the back and say good-bye to Peter. When I return to the front, Lila’s looking around my booth.
“Where’s your bag?” she asks.
“What bag?”
“Um, you’re going to be staying with us for a few days—didn’t you pack a bag?”
I
laugh as I smack my head. “I’m such a ditz sometimes. I totally forgot.”
Yet, I never forget things. I can’t afford to be careless, but here I am. I planned everything out on my walk into town. But I hadn’t thought it totally through. Who would plan a few days away from home without packing a bag?
“No problem. We can drive to your house and pick it up.”
Panic flashes through me. “It’s okay. I have some clothes at your house. I’ll go tomorrow to get the rest of my things.” Although I know I can’t go back to the trailer. Not tomorrow. Maybe never again.
I didn’t think about the bag because it’s such an insignificant thing. What’s the point of having some personal items if you no longer have a family or a home?
450 DAYS LEFT
There were many times when I had no idea how I was going to get through something. But there was always a part of me that knew everything would eventually be okay.
I don’t think that anymore.
While walking the hallway between classes, I try to let the monotony of going to class, opening up my books, and eating lunch steady my nerves. All last night, I had to convince Lila’s parents that Hayley didn’t need them to bring her anything. That’s the last thing I need—for anybody to see the shape she’s in.
When Brady texted me this morning to inform me he wasn’t feeling well and wouldn’t be at school today, I felt relieved. I didn’t need his aloofness as another reminder of how much things have turned upside down.
“Hi, Parker!” Hope greets me in the hallway, a big smile on her face.
“Hey,” I reply as she falls in step with me.
“Looking forward to our session after school. I think I’m going to ace my next test!”
“That’s great.” I force myself to return a smile, when it’s the last thing I want to do right now. While I appreciate her effort to be civil, I don’t want her kindness simply because she feels sorry for me. I want people to like me for me, not my circumstances. Just like I want my sister to love me because we’re family, not because she’s been ordered by the court to be my guardian.