I was so upset that she tricked me into spilling Parker’s secret. And that’s exactly what she did: She duped me. As mad as I was, I hated being mad at Hope. I’d never had a reason to before Cleveland. But I felt like I let Parker down. I’m always letting someone down, and when I yelled at Hope and saw the look on her face, I knew I’d also let her down. I wasn’t the person she thought I was.
Who knew being a clueless idiot and spilling Parker’s secret would end up being a good thing? Hope saved Parker. I never thought that would happen. But it gave me a reason to forgive Hope and hang out with her again. I need Hope. When I went to tell her that I forgave her, things were tense for a few minutes, mostly with Hope falling over herself apologizing. Then things just went back to normal with us, because that’s how things have always been with Hope. No matter how much time goes by without us talking—because I was in a different school or for nearly an entire month when everything happened with Parker—as soon as we’re occupying the same space, it’s like no time has passed.
You see, things with Hope are completely the opposite of stuff with Parker. Hope’s always been easy to hang with. That kind of happens when you spend your entire life with someone. Yeah, I know she likes me. I have to admit it’s flattering and all, but I don’t see Hope that way. She’s like my little sister.
“Looks like you’re stuck with me,” Hope says after school on Thursday as we walk to the parking lot. It’s weird not to have Parker with us, but she’s off somewhere with Lila. Since she moved in with the Kaplans, I don’t have to worry about her. The pressure simply went away. I should enjoy just being boyfriend and girlfriend, but that’s the problem. Now there isn’t a reason for us to be together.
“Brady?” Hope’s voice brings me back to the present. “Geez, don’t be too thrilled that it’s just you and me.” She grimaces. Two weeks ago, she would’ve been legitimately annoyed that my thoughts were with Parker. Now she’s simply teasing about my inability to juggle more than one thought.
“Yeah, it’s torture,” I reply as I nudge her playfully. I know I probably shouldn’t touch Hope as much as I do, but it’s natural. Everything with Hope is natural. That’s how it should be between best friends. Yeah, it should also be the same with my girl, but it isn’t.
Here’s another truth I’m willing to share: I miss the club. I’m still bummed that after all the work we did and the hours we put in, we only got fourth place. It wasn’t even close. These other people used all these mechanics we didn’t even think of. One used a lever to strike a match to heat something in a beaker that filled the balloon with steam. Another used a helium pump. We were way out of our league. I keep thinking that if I could’ve just spent more time on the machine and didn’t have … other things to worry about, we could’ve done better.
Hope blushes at my nudging. I feel a bit guilty she’s probably getting her hopes up, but she will always mean more to me than some girl I dated. I think about all the times she’s helped me. I hardly even talk to any of my old girlfriends or crushes anymore. Hope will be in my life for a really long time.
“Hey.” I fling my arm over Hope’s shoulder (yeah, I know I should stop, but it’s Hope and I never learn). “I can’t even begin to tell you how much I appreciate your family helping out Parker. It’s been a huge relief knowing she’s taken care of.”
Hope laughs. “I know, but it’s not a big deal. You know that my mom loves fussing over people. She’s in heaven. She’s been cooking so much, Parker’s going to get fat.”
I doubt that. As much as I love Hope, it annoys me when she talks like she’s fat. She’s so obsessed with that stuff. She isn’t fat. Although I can’t tell her she’s got a pretty hot bod. I mean, I guess I could, but it would give her such the wrong idea. I’ve got enough girl drama already.
“Hey, Hope, this is going to sound really cheesy,” I say as I think about everything that’s going to happen in the next six months. I don’t know why, but I always seem to think about leaving whenever I’m around her. Maybe it’s because when I go to Purdue I’m leaving behind my entire life here. I have seventeen years of memories with Hope. A future that she won’t be part of seems weird.
She stops walking and cocks her head to the side. “Oh, I can’t wait. You think you’re some tough guy, but I know what’s up.”
“Okay, first, when have I ever pretended to be some muscle dude?”
“Point taken.” Hope gives me this smile she’s perfected over the years, part come-hither, part teasing. “Do go on.”
“Promise me you’ll take care of Parker next year. Or your mom.”
Hope’s grin falls. She looks at me with a serious face. “Of course.”
“Yo, Team Knights in Shining Armor!” Conor’s voice rings across the parking lot. “What are you guys doing right now?”
“Nothing,” I reply. “Why?”
Conor catches up to us and pulls out his phone. “We never celebrated Cleveland. And don’t go grumbling about fourth place. It’s better than fifth or sixth. As Tolkien once wrote, ‘I will not walk backward in life.’ I’m texting Dan right now. Let’s grab a bite to eat.”
“Sounds great, and long overdue,” Hope replies.
“Yeah, man, that’d be great.”
These days I take anything that will get my mind off the mess I created and how I’m going to get out of it.
“To finishing the damn thing!” I hold my glass out to the group as we cheers the fact we did, despite everything, get the machine to work.
“Hear, hear!” Hope replies before she sets her glass down and digs into a piece of pizza.
We went to The Pie Shoppe because there aren’t a lot of options in town. It was either this or McDonald’s. Parker’s boss gave me a dirty look when I walked in. He’s been giving me that look ever since Valentine’s Day. I know I screwed up. That’s always my problem—not thinking things all the way through. I felt bad for Hope and didn’t think it was a big deal. But it was.
Sometimes I wonder why Parker would even still want to be with me.
Oh yeah, the whole security-blanket thing. At this point, it has to be the only reason. It’s not love, it’s comfort.
“Honestly, Hope, I’m a little disappointed in you,” Dan says. “One would say that my expectations of you have been let down.”
“What are you even talking about?” Hope wads up her napkin and throws it in Dan’s face. It bounces off his glasses and lands on his slice.
“Hope has dashed my hope!” Dan continues as he uses the napkin to blot some grease off his slice.
“Ugh,” Hope groans. “I’ll tell you what—I’m going to miss your scientific and mathematic brain next year, but not your truly awful attempts at puns.”
Dan pretends to look scandalized while Hope laughs him off.
“Okay, fair enough.” Dan holds his hands out in surrender. “But I had figured your mom would’ve thrown us some big fete.”
“She’s been a little preoccupied, but I’ll put in a request.”
“Yeah, what’s going on anyways?” Conor leans back in the booth. “Is Parker staying with you guys or something? She’s been spending a lot of time at your house.”
My mouth is full of pizza and I try not to react, but we should’ve had a story ready. People are used to seeing Parker with me so I figured Hope being with us wouldn’t raise any red flags.
Hope shrugs. “She’s been tutoring me in advanced algebra and staying with us while her family’s been away.”
“Oh, that’s cool.” Conor tucks his hair behind his ears. “I didn’t really think you guys were friends.”
“You’d be surprised by the people I’ll slum with. Exhibit A, my present company,” Hope fires back. “Dan, have you decided which school you’re going with?”
And like that, it’s over. I’m always amazed how little it takes to convince people everything’s okay with Parker. When was the last time anybody’s seen her parents? I think people are desperate to accept partial lies instead of trying t
o comprehend the whole ugly truth.
Plus, who would believe me? Parker’s circumstance is sort of the kind you have to see in order to believe. How someone could be struggling so much under everybody’s noses. Although I shouldn’t be surprised people don’t know the entire story, because even Parker doesn’t know that.
“Should I have my mom throw us a party?” Hope asks as I drive home. “I can’t believe I hadn’t thought of it. Actually, I’m more in shock she hasn’t insisted.”
“Like I’d ever turn down a party at your house.” I don’t know anybody who’s ever said no to an invitation from Gabriela. A party at the Kaplans’ always means amazing food and an insanely fun time. “But I don’t want to put more pressure on your mom.”
“Believe me when I say she’d love to.”
“Thanks,” I reply quietly. I feel like I’m betraying Parker by having these normal moments when everything in her life has been tossed on its side. I will never escape the guilt.
I see Hope studying me out of the corner of my eye. I pull into her driveway, but she doesn’t get out of the car.
“Can I ask you a question?”
“Of course.” Hope’s my best friend. She’s never had to ask me for permission to ask a question before. Which automatically makes me stressed.
I shut the car off and turn to Hope.
She studies me for a few seconds. “I’m not sure how to say this, but Parker told me I could ask her any questions about what happened.”
“Go ahead,” I reply.
“But I only have one question. Something that doesn’t make sense, and it’s something you said that night in the hotel.”
I can feel the lump rising in my throat. Hope has always seen things in me that others can’t, but how could she possibly know?
“You said that you’ve been making things worse. You were so mad at yourself. Why would you even think that? You’ve been so amazing and supportive of Parker. She wouldn’t have survived everything without you.”
I feel like I’m going to barf. I can’t believe I said that. I was just unloading to Hope, but didn’t mean to …
Maybe I should just get it off my chest. Maybe things will be better if I admit the truth to somebody. But will Hope ever be able to look at me the same? Will she think it means something it doesn’t?
“Brady?” she says as she places her hand on my arm. “You know you can tell me anything. I haven’t said a word to anybody about Parker. Not even Madelyn. I don’t know how long I can keep Parker staying with us a secret if she’s with us more than a few weeks, but I’ve got Parker’s back and you know I’ve always had yours. No matter what.”
I start nodding. It’s time to come clean. I shouldn’t have this burden on me. It’s driving me crazy.
Hope opens the passenger door. “Come inside. My mom’s car isn’t in the garage. Parker’s with Lila. We have the house to ourselves.”
“Okay,” I say as I get out.
It’s time to tell the truth about Parker and me. For once.
We enter Hope’s house and it’s eerily silent. I’m used to the house being alive with people.
I plunk down on the couch. My heart’s practically thumping out of my chest.
“What’s going on?” Hope asks as she sits right next to me. “I hate seeing you beat yourself up. You haven’t done anything wrong.”
Isn’t living a lie wrong? Isn’t doing something entirely out of obligation wrong? Are you really a good guy if you feel like you’re only pretending to be a good guy?
I look down at the floor. I know if I don’t get this out, the headaches will get worse. That gnawing sensation in the pit of my stomach will get worse.
Just rip the bandage.
“I wanted to break up with Parker.”
As soon as I finally admit it, I feel both relieved and awful.
“When?” Hope asks.
And that right there is the problem. The when. The when is why we’re still together. Because I have the absolute worst timing in the world.
“Before everything happened, I set up a date with Parker to do it. It was going to be on a Friday. I thought I was being smart by waiting until the weekend. But we never had that date because her dad disappeared.”
I went over to her house that Friday, but it wasn’t to pick her up for our date. It was to help her pack her bag for Lila’s. She was in a daze. She’d just had her life turned upside down. As much as I wanted to end it, I wasn’t going to disappear on her, too. At least not right away.
But things kept going wrong, and that meant there was never a right time. More than anyone else, I could see how hard Parker was working to keep her life in balance. I couldn’t be the thing that made it topple.
So I stayed.
And here we are, over a year later.
A year of playing the role of The Good Boyfriend. Of putting everything second to Parker, even after realizing that in another circumstance, we probably wouldn’t still be together.
How can I possibly break up with Parker now?
But also … how I can keep this up? It’s starting to take its toll. But every time I get exhausted from living this lie, I think about everything Parker goes through. And then I just shut up and play the part.
“Oh my God.” Hope’s voice has a quiver in it. “Why did you want to break up?”
That is a pretty simple answer. “Because even before everything happened, it felt like we weren’t on the same wavelength. Because we’re both different, but not in compatible ways. I’m a goofball and a nerd, she’s super smart and serious. I mean, there are a bunch of reasons. But at the end of the day it came down to the fact that I didn’t want to be with her anymore.”
“Who did you want to be with?”
And there it is. Why I shouldn’t be having this conversation with Hope.
“Nobody,” I tell her. “I wanted to be by myself.”
Yep. Breaking up with Parker had nothing to do with another girl. It had to do with me. I wanted to be single. I was happy to spend the rest of my time in high school hanging with my friends. I didn’t want to be tied down. I wanted to have fun.
I feel like a selfish jerk.
“Oh,” Hope replies.
I haven’t been able to look at her yet. To see how upset she is that I never wanted her to be my girlfriend. To know that I’ve let her down.
This is my problem: I never want to do anything wrong. I never want to disappoint people. So what do I do? I’ve stayed with Parker out of pity. And that’s not what she wants from me—or from anyone.
We fell into probably the most codependent relationship possible. Parker needs me to feel normal, while I need her to ease my guilt of wanting to break up and live my own life again. I don’t even know if Parker would still be with me if her parents hadn’t left. So here we are, both trapped with each other, like we’ve been given the sentence her father had dodged.
I finally look up at Hope. The color has drained from her face. “Brady …” she begins, but her voice gives out.
I wait for it. For her to yell at me. For her to tell me that I’ve led her on. For her to confirm my worst suspicions about myself.
She shakes her head from side to side in a slow, methodical way.
“You can’t break up with Parker,” she says, then puts her hand over her mouth.
I think we’re both shocked by this.
I give up. “I know,” I say. “You’re right. I’m not going to abandon her, too.”
I’m trapped.
But Hope’s not done. “You can’t lie to her, either,” she tells me, her eyes beginning to well up. “She’s had enough people in her life lie to her. Oh, Brady, what are we going to do?”
I didn’t think it would be possible for me to feel better about what I’m going through. But hearing Hope say we makes me feel less alone in this. I need her help. I want to do the right thing. I have been trying to do that for over a year and it keeps burying me deeper and deeper.
“It’s going to be ok
ay.” Hope wraps her arms around me. “We’ll figure something out. You’re one of my closest friends.”
“Yeah, I’m also the worst.”
“No, you’re not. Any other guy would’ve just dumped her and not cared about her feelings. You stayed with her. You gave up a lot of things for Parker. You’re one of the good guys, Brady.”
I want to believe what Hope’s saying. I want to be that person Hope thinks I am.
I wrap my arms around her. “I love you. You know that, right?”
“I love you, too.” She hugs me tighter.
I hear a cry that’s not from Hope. I look up and see Parker, staring at us with her mouth open. For the second time this afternoon, I feel like I’m going to be sick. What did she hear? How much does she know?
That’s when I realize it’s what she’s seeing that has her so upset: Hope and me with our arms around each other. She thinks we were hooking up.
“This isn’t what it looks like,” I try to explain while Hope tells her we didn’t realize she was here.
Parker dashes up the stairs. We both chase after her, trying to explain we were two friends having a moment. I know what it looked like, but Parker needs to know the truth. And not only what Hope and I were doing, but maybe she really should know everything.
As much as I thought it would help me to tell someone, in the end, the person who really needs to know the truth is Parker.
“Parker.” Hope reaches out to her. “You’ve got this all wrong.”
“Do I?” Parker yells. Her face is flush. I’ve never seen her this angry. Even when her family left her, she stayed relatively quiet, probably out of shock. “All I know is you’ve wanted Brady for years, and now you have him. So congratulations, Hope, you have everything. And don’t you love rubbing it in my face? That’s why you wanted me here. To remind me of everything I don’t have.”
“Babe,” I say, the lie slipping so easily off my tongue. I take her by the arm, but she yanks it away from me. “Listen to me.”
“No!” Parker says with so much hatred in her voice. “I don’t want to hear it, Brady. I don’t need to have explained to me what my eyes have seen.”