She runs out of the house and I start to follow her, but Hope grabs my arm. “She needs to calm down. I can explain to her I was having a bad day or something. She’ll understand.”
“No. I need to talk to her. I don’t want to lie to her anymore.”
I grab my car keys and head outside to find Parker.
I know there’s only one place Parker will go, since Lila is at practice.
Once I turn the corner in the direction of The Pie Shoppe, I see Parker walking quickly, her arms pumping, her hair swinging with every step. I don’t have to see her face to know she’s angry. She has every right to be, but not for the reason she thinks.
I park a block away, so she doesn’t see me coming. I start jogging toward her, not saying anything until I can reach out and gently grab her by the arm.
“Parker,” I say softly as she jumps at my touch.
“Leave me alone!” She picks up her pace so she’s practically running.
I jog in front of her and place both my hands on her forearms. “Please listen to me. Listen to what I have to say and then you can ignore me forever. Please.”
She reluctantly stops. “You know, this serves me right. Here I was stupidly thinking everything was going to be okay. That I was going to get through this. I have no one.” Her chin trembles and all I want to do is reach out and comfort her, even though that’s the last thing she needs from me.
“That’s not true.”
“Please,” she snorts. “I wonder how long until Lila gets sick of me? Or Mrs. Kaplan? What is it about me that makes people want to run away? What is it?” The tears welling in her eyes have started to travel down her cheeks.
I can’t be another person abandoning her. But I also can’t be another person lying to her.
Even though I don’t want to be in a romantic relationship with her anymore, it doesn’t mean I don’t want to be a part of her life.
“That’s not what’s going on here, believe me. I’m here for you, Hope’s here for you, her family, my family—we’re all here for you. That wasn’t what it looked like with Hope. Please come to my car and let me take you to my house or Hope’s house so we can talk.”
She folds her arms defiantly. “I’m not going anywhere with you. Say what you have to say or leave.”
“Okay.” I take a deep breath, but freeze. How can I look her in the face and tell her I don’t want to be with her anymore?
“Just tell me what’s going on. If you want to be with Hope, fine. Be with Hope. I have a lot bigger problems than my boyfriend cheating on me.”
“No, that’s not it.” I reach out to her, but she pulls away. “Hope’s my best friend, period. I’d never cheat on you. You mean a lot to me, Parker. You really do.”
“I’m so tired of this, Brady.” Parker leans against the brick of the hardware store and slides down to the concrete.
“Aren’t things better at the Kaplans’?” I ask, because things had been going better for her the last couple of days. Until I messed everything up.
“Not that. This,” Parker says as she gestures between us. “I’m tired of people being with me for the wrong reasons. First, my parents only tolerated me because they had to legally. Then, for a while, Hayley only dealt with me because the court told her she had to. At least things with me and her are getting better. But maybe there are some things that can’t be fixed, or at least shouldn’t be. I know I relied on you more than I should have. I appreciate everything you’ve done, but I don’t want to be a burden to you, or anyone else, anymore.”
I drop down to my knees so I can look her in the eyes. “Parker, you mean the world to me. All I want is to make things better for you. Tell me what I can do. Please tell me what you want.”
“What I want?” Parker laughs bitterly. “You can’t give me what I want. I want a family. I want a place to call home. I want not to feel as if the rug is always going to be pulled from under me. It doesn’t really matter what I want, because I’m never going to get it.”
I don’t know what to say or do. I can’t magically make her family reappear. Plus, her parents weren’t great to begin with. I can’t give her the kind of home she wants.
“You know what I’d also like?” she asks me. “To not have anybody in my life out of obligation or pity, including you.”
“Parker, that’s not—” I start to argue.
She cuts me off. “Please don’t. Just don’t. It’s okay. Really.”
“What’s okay?”
She lets out a little sigh. “I think we’re both to blame for staying together as long as we did. As much as I want to put the past behind me, I kept trying to hold on to things. It’s like I thought if I appeared normal on the surface, everything that happened in the past wouldn’t matter. But it does matter. I can’t change the past. Nobody can. But I can do something about the future. And what I want for my future is to be truthful. I especially don’t want to stay in a relationship that’s run its course.”
She’s giving me an out. She’s making this easy on me. But now that it’s here, I don’t know if I want it.
“But it’s not—”
“Brady, stop.” She shakes her head. “Let’s not lie to each other anymore.”
“I want you in my life,” I argue. “That’s not a lie.”
“We can still be friends. I want us to be friends.” Parker gives me a small smile.
“You do?”
“Of course. You’ve been so wonderful to me, even if it was out of guilt. But I’m going to be okay.”
“I thought you’d hate me if I said I wanted us to stop.”
“I don’t hate you. I hate my mom and dad.”
I’ve never heard her say that about her parents. I don’t blame her.
“You really mean a lot to me, Brady. I know I’ve come to rely on you and have been a burden. I don’t really know what’s going to happen. I have no idea what the next hour will bring let alone the next week. I need to take it moment by moment and I think it’s time that I do it on my own.”
“You don’t have to do that.” I reach out to touch her knee, but she pulls it away.
“I know I don’t have to, but I need to do this. On my own. At least until Hayley gets back.”
“Hope’s mom really likes having you there. Hope does, too.” Things were going great with her and Hope, and then one moment of weakness from me ruins everything.
Huh. I never realized that’s basically what Parker’s been going through. She hasn’t been allowed to have any moments of weakness. Sure, I’ve seen her get frustrated, but she’s sort of just grinned and taken it.
“I know Mrs. Kaplan likes having me there. I don’t even doubt Hope’s not completely annoyed.” She shrugs. “I don’t really have a choice in that matter, because the state says I have to remain with them until Hayley is fit to have me move back.”
“It’s okay to ask for help.”
“But that’s all I do,” she counters. “It’s embarrassing. And tiring.”
“I know.” Although I really have no clue at all what she goes through. I only think I understand what it’s like to try to hold things together. I have a family, a home, and a future that’s a given.
She gives me a small smile as she stands up. “I need some time to myself.”
I don’t want to let her go. As much as it’s been a burden to be with Parker, there’s also a selfish part of me that likes to be needed. “Are you sure you don’t want to try again?”
She actually laughs. “No offense, Brady, but my love life is the least of my concerns right now. I’ve got bigger things to worry about.”
How could I have ever thought that us being only friends would break her?
“So you’re okay?” I ask, even though I know the answer. If I’ve learned anything from Parker Jackson, it’s that try as her parents, and even Hayley, might, they can’t bring her down.
Her gaze is on the road out of town, her eyes not really focusing on anything. Her voice is small, yet assured. “I don?
??t know. I guess … it’s going to take some time, but eventually, I’ll be okay. I have to be. If not for me, for Hayley.” She turns away, pauses, and then looks back at me. “I have to believe that things can only get better for me. I deserve that.”
She deserves more happiness than anybody I know.
I watch her walk away, even though I want to chase her down and do whatever I can to make things better. But there’s nothing I can do.
Parker’s right. She’s going to be okay. It might be super immature for me to think that, but what other option does she have? To give up? She’d never do that. She has too much fight in her. Look how much she’s done to survive so far.
I walk back to my car. I have no idea what the future holds for me. Even though I’d spent the last year wondering how my life would be different without Parker in it, now, as we’re walking away from each other, I realize I already miss her. She’s been a comfort to me, in her own way. As scary as the thought of going to college in a few months is, the realization that I now have to face the rest of high school without her is unsettling. Any time I’d get overwhelmed about a project or exam, I’d always be reminded, with Parker in the seat next to me, how much she has to deal with. How could I ever really complain when my life is so simple and cushy in comparison?
A smile actually appears on my face. A realization hits me—it’s something I don’t think Parker even realizes. She saw me as her security blanket, but she didn’t need me. She never did, because she always had herself.
This is a disaster of epic proportions.
It makes the Titanic look like a relaxing day at the beach.
“Are you okay?” Madelyn asks me as we sit down at the kitchen table.
Parker ran out of here with Brady on her heels, leaving me alone, confused, and hurt. I called Madelyn for an emergency best friend meeting.
Now that she’s here, I’m not sure how to answer the simplest question: Am I okay?
I don’t know. Once I think I know everything, something happens and it gets turned on its side.
“I guess,” I reply. I’m not the one who ran out of here because she thinks her boyfriend was cheating. I’m not the one who has nowhere else to go. I’m not the one whose relationship is a lie.
Although I don’t know if I can really say that. I’ve been living a lie when it came to Brady. I had always thought if he wasn’t with Parker, he’d be with me. But that’s not the truth.
It was never going to be me.
“But all this time …” Madelyn presses.
Yes, I’ve spent years putting off potential relationships because of Brady. Or maybe I’ve been using that as an excuse to protect myself. It’s easier to say I’m not interested than putting myself out there and being rejected.
Although haven’t I been rejected by Brady in a way? And look—I’m still standing. When I think about it, not having a boyfriend or the guy of my dreams love me back isn’t the worst thing in the world. Does it sting? Yes. Will I get through it? Of course.
“Did you know?” I ask Madelyn.
“Know what?” She replies as she helps herself to the plate of cookies that Mom has kept fully stocked since Parker moved in.
“Know that Brady wasn’t into me.”
Madelyn sets her cookie down. “It didn’t really matter what I thought. You needed to figure that out on your own. Plus, you probably wouldn’t have believed me anyway.”
She has a point. I’ve been so blinded by Brady that I’ve put so many things on hold.
I no longer have any excuses.
Now what?
It’s both freeing and scary that I can look beyond Brady. Only in terms of romance. Because I still love him and always will. Just not like that.
“We’ll always be close friends,” I argue. Isn’t that what really matters?
Yet, this sinking feeling in my stomach is only partly due to Brady’s confession. It’s mostly because of Parker.
For perhaps the first time in my life, I wasn’t thinking of me when I was consoling Brady. I wasn’t hugging him because I wanted him to pick me. I did it because that’s what friends do for each other. But Parker probably thinks the worst.
She has every reason to hate me. I don’t want her to. Not simply to make me feel better about myself, but because I want to help her.
The door to the garage opens. Parker walks into the kitchen. She pauses when she sees Madelyn and me at the kitchen table.
“Hi,” I say, my voice tiny.
“Hi,” she replies.
She looks … fine. Her cheeks are red and her hair is a little messy, like she’s been running. But she doesn’t look as big of a mess as I would, given the circumstances.
Let’s be serious: If I were faced with an ounce of the crap Parker has dealt with, I wouldn’t even be able to get out of bed.
I’m not sure there’s anything I can say to make things better, but I’m going to try.
“Oh God, Parker, I’m so—”
She holds her hand up. “Hope, it’s fine. Really.”
Is it, though?
“I just—”
“Really. Everything is going to be okay.”
And the thing is, I believe her. I really do. Who am I to argue with Parker about how things are going to be?
Silence takes over the kitchen.
Then Madelyn pulls out the chair between us and gives Parker a nod. “Hey, Parker.”
“Hey, Madelyn.”
I haven’t told Madelyn everything. She knows enough to know that dirty looks and teasing are no longer allowed. I figure that if Parker wants people to know, she can tell them.
Parker hesitates as she studies the empty chair.
I reach down and grab a cookie, then hold it out to her.
A slight smile spreads on Parker’s lips as she walks over, takes the cookie from my hand, and sits down between us.
I had it all wrong. And I’m big enough to admit it. (Okay, so it took me a while, but I eventually got there and that’s all that matters.)
I was focused on the wrong Ps. Sure, I needed Patience, Planning, and Perseverance when it came to building the machines. But what I really needed to focus on was Perspective.
For years, my focus was on getting Brady to be my boyfriend. But what would that have accomplished? Yeah, I would be with Brady, but my life wouldn’t magically be perfect. He wouldn’t guarantee there wouldn’t be struggles.
It’s not as if he’s out of my life. He’s been at college for three weeks and we text almost every day. I’m not going to fool myself into thinking things won’t change. He’s off making new friends, while I’m focused on the ones I do have. My senior year is all about having fun with Madelyn, getting into a good college, and hopefully winning regionals this year.
“Okay, new crew, listen up!” Conor takes control of the first meeting of our new club. “We have over six months to make the best Rube Goldberg machine possible. This year’s challenge is zipping a zipper. We need to make it fun, but also have fun while doing it. There will be times when you’ll want to give up and break something, but that’s half the battle. But the most important thing to remember is this: Shortcuts make delays.”
Wow. That’s very poignant of Conor. Maybe this is the year he’ll make sense and stop spewing Tolkien.
“But inns make longer ones. At all costs we must keep you away from the Golden Perch.”
And then he had to keep talking.
“Am I missing something?” Marie, a freshman and new recruit, whispers to me.
“No, that’s Conor.” I smile at him, happy that he’s still part of the team. Fantasy nerdiness and all.
“Okay, but can’t we do something better than zip something? What about dropping a needle on a record? That I’d pay to see,” says another of our new recruits.
Madelyn.
Yep, my sarcastic best friend has finally broken down and decided to give the club a chance. She said she needed a couple more extracurriculars for her college applications, but I know i
t’s because she was impressed with our machine last year. Not like she’d ever cop to it, but sometimes friends just get each other.
We end the meeting and Madelyn links her arm with mine when we walk out. “Does this make me a nerd now? Although you know that I’d make nerd look hot.”
“Of course, total geek chic.”
“You need to head home?” she asks.
“Yep, we have dinner with Parker and Hayley tonight.”
Mom has insisted that Parker and her sister have dinner with us at least once a week.
While it’s nearly impossible to get Madelyn to admit, even begrudgingly, that she likes something (like being in a geeky club), I’ve tried to be better about not being so stubborn. Or idiotic.
I got used to having Parker around. It was nice having a sister for a while. She was with us for almost three months. It was a little awkward when she and Brady broke up, but the three of us eventually fell into a comfortable pattern. We’d go back and forth to school together. Sometimes Brady would take her to work, sometimes I would. It wasn’t because we felt obligated. That’s something you have to do because of a job or a family. We did it because we wanted to. Plus, Parker’s not that bad.
Okay, okay, okay. I can admit it: I like Parker.
I know, I know.
See what I was saying about Perspective. It changes everything.
I’m not going to lie. It was really rough for a couple of weeks. While I was used to being in seemingly impossible situations, I decided to stop fighting things I couldn’t control and returned to Hope’s house. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I focused on what I could control, which was studying, saving money, and getting ready for Hayley to return to our home.
I used to hate thinking of the trailer as my home, but it was better than having nothing. Believe me, I’m speaking from experience as someone who truly had nothing. I’ve had to earn everything I do have, but I don’t feel resentful. It makes me feel powerful. Strong. In control.
I hear Hayley’s car pull up to the trailer. Now that sound brings me joy.
“Hey!” she greets me with a smile.