He turned and walked away from her.
She felt limp with emotion as she watched him. She’d thought she was numb, but he’d managed to make her come alive. He’d aroused her to bewilderment and ruthlessly inserted his presence in her mind.
And he’d brought back that agonizing memory of Trevor’s dying and her not being able to help him. It was never far from her, but she’d forgotten some of the nuances that concerned Caleb. Caleb trying to save him. Caleb angry and rejecting being used by Trevor.
Trevor gentle and loving and trying to protect her even after he was gone.
She felt the sting of tears. Why Caleb, Trevor? You might as well have set a hungry tiger to guard a flock of sheep. I don’t need him. I don’t need anyone but you.
She was losing control. She had to get away from there to the safety of the cottage before she broke down. She moved quickly toward the porch steps.
“Jane.”
She stopped at the steps as Margaret appeared beside her. She hadn’t seen her for more than a few moments today, but she’d been aware of her always there, helping Eve, talking to Joe. “Hi, Margaret.” She swallowed. “Thank you for being here. I meant to—”
“Stop being polite,” Margaret said bluntly. “Are you okay? I saw Caleb with you. I was watching him today, and all the lightning was flashing around him.”
“That’s a strange term. The lightning didn’t strike me. He wasn’t gentle, and he jarred me. But I survived it.” She smiled shakily. “But now I need some alone time. I was numb, and now I feel too much alive.”
“Caleb generates that emotion. I think it’s part of that wild DNA.” She shrugged. “Most of the time, that’s not such a bad thing. Maybe this is an exception. Maybe not. You’ve been a sleepwalker for the last few days.” She made a face. “Completely understandable. I’ll let you go up and get to bed. I just wanted to say good-bye.”
“You’re leaving?”
“You don’t need me. You have Eve.” She gave her a hug. “I envy you Eve and Joe. It must have been wonderful growing up with them.”
“Yes, wonderful. Are you going back to Summer Island? Devon called and told me that my dog, Toby, is doing well, but she wants to keep him with the other dogs for a while. She says he’s responding to the contact therapy and acting like a puppy. I’d like to know you’re with him.”
“I’m not going there right away. Kendra’s invited me to come out to San Diego to her place for a visit. It should be interesting.”
“And fairly explosive. You two seem to strike sparks wherever you are.” She kissed her cheek. “Thank you, Margaret. Keep safe. I’ll miss you.”
“No, you won’t. I’ll be around. You can never tell when I’ll come knocking on your door.” She turned away. “Now go upstairs and rest. I’ll help Eve shoo everyone else away and clean up.”
Jane didn’t argue. She started up the steps. The heaviness and sadness were becoming overwhelming. Another good-bye from someone who had become her good friend.
And the final good-bye to her love.
2:35 A.M.
“GOD, YOU’RE TENSE.” Joe cuddled Eve closer in bed. “Jane?”
Eve nodded. “I just heard her go down the hall toward the porch. She’s not sleeping again.”
“She always loved the porch. From the time we brought her home, the two of you would sit out there for hours.”
“I want to help her, Joe. There ought to be something I can do, something I can say.”
“You’ve said all the right things. You just have to wait for her to heal.” He raised himself to rest on one arm and looked down at her. “I know that sounds lame. I don’t know what else to tell you.”
She gave him a quick kiss. “It doesn’t sound lame. It sounds like you trying to give me comfort and love. There’s nothing lame about that.” Her arms slid around him, and she buried her face in his chest. He smelled of soap and lemon and the musky essence that was Joe himself. She remembered all the nights while she was with Doane that she had tried not to think of Joe’s smell, the feel of him. It had hurt too much. “I was lying here thinking how lucky I am that I have you,” she whispered. “And that I mustn’t ever take you for granted. You close your eyes, and suddenly love and all the beautiful things it brings can slip away from you.”
“Yeah.” He cleared his throat. “Only I didn’t have to find that out. I’ve known it from the moment I met you. I’ve never taken you for granted, Eve.” His arms tightened around her. “I never will.”
“We have so much, Joe.” She could feel the tears sting her eyes. “What a rich life we’ve built together, the years, the experiences, so many memories.”
“And you’re thinking that Jane will never have that.”
“I hope she will. Somehow. Sometime.” She reached up and gently touched his cheek. It was hard with the faintest stubble. Everything about him was hard and warm and vibrantly alive. God, please keep him this way. Keep him strong and well and full of laughter and joy. Never take him away from me. “I love you, Joe.”
“Thank God.” He kissed her, long and deep. “I know that.” He suddenly pulled her up in bed. “I also know that you’re sad and want to help our Jane.” He got to his feet and held her robe for her. “So go out there on the porch and work it out between you like you always do.”
She hesitated, gazing at him. “But I don’t want to leave you.”
“I’ll be here when you get back.” He smiled. “Always, Eve.”
She glanced back at him as she opened the door. There had been some deeper meaning in those last words. Joe could read her so well. Had he also read that silent prayer for God to care for him and keep him by her side?
“I’ll be waiting. Never doubt it.” He repeated softly, “Always…”
* * *
“WHAT ARE YOU DOING out here, Jane?” Eve asked as she stood in the doorway leading to the porch. She came over to the swing where Jane was sitting. “It’s the middle of the night. I hoped you were sleeping, dammit.”
“I tried. It didn’t work. I didn’t mean to wake you.” Her gaze went to the lake. “It’s beautiful, isn’t it? Trevor and I spent a weekend on Lake Como once. But this is just as wonderful. I told him that I wanted to be here with him when Joe barbecued. He even mentioned it at the last…” She had to stop and steady her voice. “Sorry. I know you have to be tired of me not being able to—I should be stronger. You shouldn’t have to put up with it. I’ve been thinking that maybe I should go back to London and start working.”
“You’ll do what you think is best for you. Work can be a salvation.” She sat down beside her on the swing. “But not because you think you’re being a bother to us. Give yourself a little time. It’s not even been a week, Jane.”
“It seems longer.” She was silent for a moment, then whispered, “It hurts, Eve. He was so … God, I miss him. I keep remembering everything about him. The day I met him when I was only seventeen. Do you remember that day? He looked like a movie star and could charm the birds from the trees. You were worried I’d be dazzled by him.”
“And you were,” Eve said. “You were too young. I was grateful that he had some sense and walked away from you.”
“I’m not. They were wasted years. Maybe if I’d followed him then, I’d not have become so set in my ways, and we’d have worked our relationship out earlier.” She gestured. “I know. What-ifs are useless. He’s gone, and I have to deal with it.”
“Oh, Jane, it’s natural to have regrets.” She leaned back in the swing. “After I lost Bonnie, I thought I’d go crazy thinking about all the things I should have done and didn’t. She wanted a puppy, and I didn’t get it for her. I was going to get one for her that Christmas. But that Christmas didn’t come for her. There were so many things…”
“You gave me my puppy, Toby, after I came to you. Was that why?”
“Probably. I wanted desperately for you to be happy. I’d learned by then that you live for the day and not tomorrow.”
“Because to
morrow might not come.” She looked out at the lake again. “But you think tomorrow did come, don’t you, Eve? You think Bonnie comes back to you.”
“Yes,” Eve said quietly. “I know she does. I’ve never kept it a secret.” She paused. “But you have trouble believing it, so I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable by mentioning it.”
“You know me, hardheaded realist. But if it brought you peace, I wanted you to have it. I wanted you to have anything that would make you happy.”
“Peace and happiness … Yes, she brings me both.”
“I … like the idea of death not being the end. I never thought much about it. I was too busy living. Now all of a sudden…” She had to stop again. “Trevor said he didn’t know anything about it either, but he thought there was something more…”
“He was right.” She pulled Jane to her and nestled her head on her shoulder. “So much more, Jane. But no one can tell you. You have to find it for yourself.”
“I guess so.” She could feel Eve’s heartbeat and smelled the clean smell of the soap she used. It brought comfort and healing to the aching void that seemed to span the world. “I can’t believe what you say about Bonnie. I’m sorry. I want so badly to believe it, but I can’t.”
“Don’t be sorry.” Eve brushed a kiss on her forehead. “You don’t have to accept anything that I say except when I tell you that I love you. Now hush and try to relax. I want you to be able to sleep.”
They were silent for several moments, listening to the cool breeze rustle the branches of the pine trees. How often during the past years had they been out here together, Jane thought. Talking, laughing at Toby’s antics, just unwinding from the day. She had never dreamed that one night she would be clinging to Eve and having a conversation that was this heartbreakingly painful. She should have known this day would come. Life was never perfect. She finally raised her head. “I’m keeping you up. You should be getting to sleep, too. Didn’t I see the FedEx man deliver something day before yesterday? Are you starting to work?”
“Yes, providing you don’t need me. I can put it off.”
“No, don’t let me get in the way. You’ve wasted enough time on me.” She jumped to her feet and pulled Eve up. “I guess I wasn’t thinking.” She grimaced. “Only feeling. Life goes on.”
“It wasn’t a waste. It’s strange that the terrible thing that happened to me had a domino effect on the people who care for both of us. Friendships became stronger, characters became defined, confusion became clear. And you found and lost something pretty damn wonderful. Good or tragic, it wasn’t a waste. It made us stronger.” She put her arm around Jane’s waist as they walked toward the door. “And I needed the time to get my head together, too. Doing Kevin’s reconstruction was like nothing I’ve ever experienced. It will be good to get back to doing reconstruction on children instead of monsters.” She glanced at Jane as she opened the door. “Yes, life goes on. Bad, good, or indifferent. Whatever it is, we have to open our mind and heart to it.” She smiled. “Now I’m done preaching.” She gave a mock yawn. “Time I headed for bed before I get too disgustingly sanctimonious. Good night, Jane.” Her voice trailed behind her as she moved down the hall. “If you need me, call…”
She wouldn’t call, Jane thought as she followed Eve down the hall. Eve had already given her too much time when she had her own nightmares to lay to rest.
Jane’s nightmares would come as they had every night since Trevor’s death. She had carefully hidden that from Eve. Then, after the nightmares, she would wake, and the tears that wouldn’t stop followed.
Maybe not tonight.
Maybe she could hold off the memories of that night of death that brought those nightmares. Trevor had said she was strong.
Let her be strong tonight.
* * *
THE NIGHTMARE WAS THE same. Jane woke from it with tears running down her cheeks.
She sat up in bed, breathing hard.
Don’t let go.
Don’t give in.
Take control.
Dear God, it was hard. The despair seemed to be deep and endless.
You shouldn’t have died, Trevor. You had everything to live for. I would have made your life so good. If anyone had to die that night, it should have been me.
The pain wouldn’t go away. It was starting to overwhelm her.
Don’t cry.
Hold on.
Ever … After. You shouldn’t be afraid.
Yes, that’s what he had said. She could hear it as if he were in this room.
Today. Tomorrow. Ever After.
You should be here now. I should be able to touch you, tell you how much I love you.
I don’t think it’s forever. But you have … to go on as if it is forever.
I want to see you again. Maybe if I concentrate hard enough … Eve says she believes Bonnie comes to her. I don’t care if it’s just some hallucination. It brings her happiness … She lifted her hand to push her hair back from her face. I know, I’m acting crazy. You wouldn’t be proud of me now.
Shh, love. You’ll get through it. You’re so strong. My own love …
Maybe if I concentrate, I can imagine—
* * *
“HE DOESN’T WANT YOU to do that, Jane. You have to remember what he said to you.”
She stiffened. Those weren’t the words Trevor had spoken that night. Maybe she truly was beginning to hallucinate.
“Trevor?”
“No, he won’t come to you. He said it wouldn’t be good for you. You’re so stubborn. You hold on with all your strength and won’t let go. He has to protect you from hurting yourself.”
Trevor always was trying to guard her, even in this weird hallucination, she thought with a bitter pang.
“It’s not a hallucination. Eve told you that you had to open your mind and heart. You’ve done it, Jane. Can’t you feel it?”
“I can feel that I’m talking to some figment of my imagination.”
“And not the someone you want to be there.” Soft laughter. “But I’ll have to do. Trevor sent me to explain why you have to put the thought of him aside. Oh, you’ll keep him in your memory and your heart, but he wants you to have your life. It hurts him that you’re hurting.”
“I don’t want to hear this.”
“Because it means starting to give him up. It’s what he wants, Jane.”
“No, he loves me. He’d want—” He’d want her to have freedom and happiness and no chains. The gentle answer came drifting like a warm cloud out of nowhere.
“And he can’t have chains either. He has so much to do there.”
“There? Not here? You’re not with him in the great beyond?” she asked mockingly. “This hallucination needs proofing.”
“No, I’m not with him now. Close your eyes. Where am I, Jane?”
“Is this a game?” Jane closed her eyes. “I’ll play along. Sort of hide-and—”
She stiffened.
A presence.
Gentle.
Knowing.
“Here.”
Her eyes flew open. She swung her legs to the floor and jumped out of bed.
The next moment, she was out of the bedroom and running down the hall. Her heart was pounding. Open your mind and heart …
She threw open the porch door.
“Hello, Jane. I’ve been waiting for you a long time.”
The little red-haired girl sitting cross-legged on the porch swing smiled at her. “This will be much better. Now we can talk, and I can make you understand so many things.” She tilted her head, and her smile became luminous. “You do know who I am?”
Jane stared at her for an instant, as the shock and bewilderment faded away. “Yes, I know you.” She started toward her. No dream. No hallucination. Proof of Forever. Proof of Ever After. “You’re Bonnie.”
ALSO BY IRIS JOHANSEN
Hunting Eve
Taking Eve
Sleep No More
Close Your Eyes (with Roy Johansen)
/> What Doesn’t Kill You
Bonnie
Quinn
Eve
Chasing the Night
Shadow Zone (with Roy Johansen)
Eight Days to Live
Blood Game
Deadlock
Dark Summer
Quicksand
Silent Thunder (with Roy Johansen)
Pandora’s Daughter
Stalemate
An Unexpected Song
Killer Dreams
On the Run
Countdown
Blind Alley
Firestorm
Fatal Tide
Dead Aim
No One to Trust
Body of Lies
Final Target
The Search
The Killing Game
The Face of Deception
And Then You Die
Long After Midnight
The Ugly Duckling
Lion’s Bride
Dark Rider
Midnight Warrior
The Beloved Scoundrel
The Magnificent Rogue
The Tiger Prince
Last Bridge Home
The Golden Barbarian
Reap the Wind
Storm Winds
Wind Dancer
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
IRIS JOHANSEN is the New York Times bestselling author of Hunting Eve, Taking Eve, Sleep No More, What Doesn’t Kill You, Bonnie, Quinn, Eve, Chasing the Night, Eight Days to Live, Blood Game, Deadlock, Dark Summer, Pandora’s Daughter, Quicksand, Killer Dreams, On the Run, Countdown, Firestorm, Fatal Tide, Dead Aim, No One to Trust, and more. And with her son, Roy Johansen, she has coauthored Close Your Eyes, Shadow Zone, Storm Cycle, and Silent Thunder. Visit her at www.irisjohansen.com and on Facebook at www.facebook.com/OfficialIrisJohansen.
This is a work of fiction. All of the characters, organizations, and events portrayed in this novel are either products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously.