Chapter Twenty-Four
My life had turned into a horror movie. That must be it—I decided as I held Justine’s hand and watched the casket which held the body of my girlfriend being lowered into the ground. The sound of sniffling and people shifting to wipe their eyes filled the air around me in the quiet cemetery. I couldn’t cry anymore. The tears were always right there, but I forced them to leave, swallowing at the ever-present knot in my throat—the one I could never seem to make go away.
Everything was moving in a fog for me, different people passing through at separate times and spaces. I had been vaguely aware of my mom next to me, holding my hand one moment, and in the next, Timmy and Clara were sitting on my lap, their arms clasped around my neck. Justine was often present as well, but I could barely stand to look at her because she reminded me of Nikki so much.
The only constant presence I was truly aware of was Brett. Every second he wasn’t required to spend in his own life, he was with me. He didn’t say much, he was just there.
I didn’t go to school, or practice the whole week after Nikki died while we waited for her funeral to take place. I couldn’t stomach anything. No one asked why or when I intended to go back. No one said anything, actually. It was almost as if they were afraid I was a time bomb waiting to explode.
As for me I could only think of seven words.
Sudden death caused by massive pulmonary embolism.
They ran over and over in my mind like a freight train ever since I heard the official autopsy report. A simple thing, like rolling Nikki from the bed to the CT table had caused the blood clot to dislodge, and in a matter of a few seconds she was dead—taken away from me forever. Nothing could’ve been done to help her.
Even now, as her casket disappeared before my eyes, I couldn’t wrap my head around all of it.
“I’m sorry. I can’t stay any longer,” I whispered to Justine. I released her hand and walked away, moving to where I’d left my truck. I heard someone following behind me, and I turned to see Brett. I shook my head. “I need some time to myself, okay?”
He stopped, and I could see the hurt on his face.
“I’ll meet you at my house for the luncheon in a little while. I appreciate you being here for me. But I really need a few minutes alone.”
He nodded, standing still as he watched me get in my truck and drive away.
I knew exactly where I was going, and I followed the familiar route until I was parked in front of the rest home. I’d been to this place several times, but always with Nikki. Her grandma hadn’t been able to attend today because of her disabilities, but suddenly she was exactly the person I needed to see. I knew she couldn’t talk, but I didn’t need wisdom or words of advice. I wanted someone I could just be me with.
I stopped by the kitchen on my way and picked up a spoon and her favorite pudding from an orderly there.
“We’re so sorry to hear about Nikki,” he said, giving me the dish as he looked at the suit I was wearing. “Mrs. Wagner will be glad you’re here. I know she would’ve liked to go to the funeral.”
“Thanks,” I mumbled, not knowing what else to say, so I left.
“Grandma?” I called out as I entered the room, and she glanced up. Tears filled her eyes as she waved for me to join her.
I slid my chair up beside the bed, taking her dysfunctional hand in mine, rubbing my thumb over it.
“I brought your favorite pudding. I thought maybe you would enjoy the snack.”
She waved it off, gesturing for me to set it on her nightstand.
I did as she asked, and she looked at me expectantly. “The funeral was very nice—lots of people and flowers. She was well loved.”
She shook her head and pointed at me, placing her hand over my heart.
“I miss her so much I don’t think I can stand it any longer,” I choked out, and the tears I’d been holding back all day could no longer be restrained.
She nodded and gestured to her lap. I lay my head there on her small form as she ran her fingers through my hair, over and over again.
The house was packed clear full with a sea of people dressed in various shades of black. I stepped inside, trying to be as invisible as possible, not making eye contact with anyone while I made my way to the stairs. Wes, Chad, Brett, Tana, and Brittney were all crammed together on the large couch in the game room, staring blankly at the television which wasn’t even on.
“You’re here,” Brittney said with an obvious relief, her eyes red from crying. She stood and came to me, followed closely by the others. “I’m so sorry, Chase,” she whispered as she wrapped her arms around me, laying her head against my shoulder.
“Thanks,” I mumbled, hugging her as I felt the guys clapping me lightly on the back.
“What can we do to help?” she asked.
I sighed. “You’re already doing it.” I squeezed her tighter before releasing her, turning to embrace Tana too and moving to plop down in one of the chairs.
I watched them return to their seats, seeming slightly uncomfortable, not knowing what to say. I knew they all missed Nikki too. She’d been a big part of all of our lives.
Silence followed, the awkwardness passing as I retreated into my own thoughts. It was enough for me that they were here.
Was this what my life was going to be like from now on? Sitting in a room full of people knowing the person I wanted to be with was never going to walk through the door? I’d been planning a future with her, and now there was nothing left. My dreams and thoughts were shattered before they’d really had a chance to begin.
I wondered if this was how my mom felt when my dad died, as if her heart was being completely pulverized. The pain was excruciating, and I didn’t want to feel it anymore.
Chad excused himself and made his way down the hall. I caught up with him just outside of my bedroom, pulling him inside. I shut the door.
“Dude, you got anything on you that you can spot me? You know I’m good for it.” I gripped his arm in desperation.
He glanced down, pondering for a moment before giving me a sympathetic look. “Even if I did, I wouldn’t let you have it. Not in the state you’re in.”
I growled and shoved away from him, feeling angry. “You’ve practically begged me to join you at parties and now, when I really need it, you’re not going to help me out?”
He looked away. “I’m sorry, Chase. I know you’re having a rough time. I want you to feel better, but not this way. It would be too easy for you to take this the wrong direction, and I don’t want to be standing at your funeral next.”
I felt totally frustrated because I couldn’t fault his sense of reasoning. He was right. I was in a bad place, and honestly, thoughts of suicide had crossed my mind more times than I could count.
I didn’t care if it was a cop out. I’d been through this once before, and there was no way in hell I wanted to do it again. I was locking up my heart and throwing away the key this time. No more damage could be done if I couldn’t be reached, because frankly, if this is what life had to offer me, I didn’t want to live it.
“Forget it,” I said roughly. There were other ways I could bring about the same results.
“You know we’re here for you, right? There’s a whole group of your peeps sitting right out there. We have your back, bro, anytime you need us.”
I didn’t want anybody else. I wanted Nikki.
“I’m really tired. Can you let everyone know I went to bed? I can’t face any more people right now.”
“Sure thing,” he replied with a nod. “Text me later if you need to.”
“Thanks. I will.” I closed the door behind him. I took off my suit coat and belt while I kicked my shoes off, before dropping to sit on my bed. There was a soft knock, and I hung my head for a moment, desperately wanting to ignore it. I waited for a few moments, and the knock came again.
“Chase?” Brittney’s voice spoke from the other side.
I walked over and leaned my head against the barrier bet
ween us, my hand on the knob, but I didn’t open it.
“I’m afraid I’m not very good company right now, Britt.”
“That’s okay. I was just worried about you. I can talk to you another time.”
I rumbled out a soft sound, feeling badly for pushing her away when I knew she was hurting too. I opened the door, gesturing for her to come in and sit on the bed. She did, and I watched her while I began unbuttoning my dress shirt. I left it hanging open and slouched into the chair in the corner, waiting for her to say something.
“Chad said you wanted to go to sleep.”
“Yeah, I’m pretty worn out.”
She fumbled with the hem of her black dress lying around her knees. Her long, white-blonde hair fell forward around her face, and I could almost imagine her as a pretty angel in mourning sitting all dressed up in here.
It was weird having a girl who wasn’t Nikki in my room, and it almost made me feel guilty.
When she looked up there were tears in her eyes. “I was walking down the hall and overheard what you asked Chad. I’m worried you’re going to try something stupid.”
I shifted uncomfortably. I must’ve been talking louder than I’d realized. I didn’t know what to say. I peered over to where Turk swam in his vase. I couldn’t deny anything.
“You need to keep remembering Nikki loved you, and she believed in you for a reason.”
I glanced back at her, still not replying.
“She’s not the only one who believes in you. A lot of us do.” She hesitated. “I do too. You’re a great guy.”
I didn’t know how to explain the inner turmoil I was feeling. I couldn’t put my emotions into words. I was struggling, floundering. I knew she was trying to help. But there was really only one person who could reach me right now, and she was dead.
“Thanks for caring,” I managed to mutter.
“I do care . . . a lot. If you ever need someone to talk to, vent to, or even scream at—I’m willing to listen.”
“Thanks,” I said again.
She stood and walked toward me placing her hand on my arm. “Be careful, Chase.”
I nodded and patted her hand. She grasped onto mine, clutching it slightly before she disappeared out the door, closing it behind her. I leaned forward on my knees, thrusting my hands into my hair as I took a deep breath. I felt like I was suffocating, as if the walls were closing in on me.
I buttoned my shirt back up, slipped my shoes on and went quickly down the stairs. I glanced around for Justine, spying her coming out of the kitchen.
“You doing okay?” I asked her as I approached.
She nodded. “Under the circumstances, yes. Everyone has been so loving and supportive. How about you?”
“I need to get out of here for a while. Is it okay if I go hang out at your house?”
She stared at me sadly. “Are you sure that’s the best idea?”
I swallowed hard, my tears mirroring her own. “I . . . I just need to feel close to her right now.”
“Then go. I understand. You know where we keep the spare key. I’ll be there in a little while.”
I nodded and left, careful not to make eye contact with anyone as I went to my truck. I pulled my phone out and sent my mom a text so she wouldn’t worry.
Going 2 Nikki’s. B back later.