Chapter Twenty-Five
I took a deep breath before I turned the knob and entered her room, instantly on sensory overload. Everything was exactly the way she’d last left it. There were textbooks sitting on her desk, a couple pairs of her shoes tossed randomly in front of her closet, and several outfits thrown across the back of her overstuffed chair.
I wandered over to her bed and sat down, almost able to imagine she’d come waltzing through the door at any minute.
One of her vampire romance novels was spread open on her nightstand. Next to it was a picture of the two of us together on the Fourth of July, holding sparklers as we laughed. She loved the picture so much, she’d had it blown up and framed. I picked it up, absently tracing a finger over her happy face and wondered if we would’ve been so carefree if we’d known our time together was so limited.
I laid back on her pillow, closing my eyes and inhaling deeply as I caught a whiff of her scent clinging to it. Her perfume reminded me of days we’d spent together in the sun, kissing one another until we could hardly breathe. The memories were both sweet and exquisite torture.
Opening my eyes, I couldn’t help the smile slowly spreading across my face. She’d taped a bunch more photos of the two of us on the ceiling over her bed. They were all silly, random, shots we’d taken, with either our cell phones or her small camera, but suddenly they were priceless. She was so alive in these images.
I studied each one of them as the late afternoon light dipped farther down the window, staring until it hurt too much to stare at them any longer. I shut my eyes, but the tears managed to seep through the lids anyway.
We were supposed to have been together right here in this very room. It would never happen now. It wasn’t fair I was still here, and she wasn’t. I felt horrible about everything and my apparent role in the situation. Not only had I lost her, but so had her wonderful family. There was no way I could make up for any of it.
“I want to be wherever you are,” I whispered. “Please don’t go any farther without me.”
I wasn’t sure how I was going to do it, but I was ready to find a way to join her.
Those same pictures greeted me when I woke, and I glanced groggily around the room as I tried to get my bearings. The morning sun was shining outside, and someone had covered me with a blanket. I realized I must’ve fallen asleep and spent the entire night. I hoped Justine let my mom know where I was so she wouldn’t worry again.
Delicious smells were coming from the kitchen, and I got up to go apologize for staying.
“Morning,” I greeted with a mumble as I made my way to the table and sat down, running my hands through my hair in an effort to tame it.
“Did you sleep well?” She turned from the stove and smiled. I could see she was tired and looked as sad as I felt.
“I guess. Sorry I crashed here like that.”
“No need to apologize. I asked your mom if she wanted me to send you home, and she said to let you rest. Truthfully, I’m glad you’re here with me. It makes things feel less . . . lonely.”
I knew what she meant, but found it very difficult to answer her. I didn’t know how to comfort either of us.
“Well, thanks for not kicking me out,” I finally managed. “Is there anything I can do to help you with breakfast?”
“You can butter the toast while I finish cooking these eggs if you’d like.”
I did as she asked, moving silently around the kitchen next to her. It seemed so weird to be here without Nikki, and for a moment I tried to pretend she was in the bathroom getting ready for the day while I visited with her mom. It was easy to do since it was a scene which had played out hundreds of times in the past. I enjoyed spending time here with this family. I loved them as if they were my own.
I thought about the decision I’d made last night and felt a slight twinge of guilt. I knew there were people who would mourn me if I left. I hoped they would understand why. I obviously wasn’t as strong as everyone else was because I couldn’t keep going on this way.
“Have a seat, Chase,” Justine said as she slid a plate on the table. “I thought we could visit while Timmy and Clara are still sleeping. I figured I’d let them enjoy a late Sunday morning. Things have been draining for them lately too.”
“I’m sorry it’s been so hard on them.” I stabbed at my eggs and took a bite.
“Again, there’s no need to be sorry. It’s not your fault.”
I almost choked on my food as my throat went dry. How could she say something like that? It was totally my fault. I’d never forgive myself for my role in all of this. I didn’t trust myself to speak so I continued eating, without making eye contact with her.
If she was waiting for me to respond, she didn’t push the issue, instead eating in silence with me. When I was finished, I carried my plate to the sink and rinsed it before putting it in the dishwasher. Things were growing more strained for me by the minute and I hated it. I’d started feeling at home here, and now it was all being taken away. Everything was just plain awkward now.
“Thanks for breakfast. I guess I better get home.” I dried my hands nervously on my wrinkled dress pants.
She sighed heavily and dropped her fork. “Don’t go yet. I meant it when I said it was nice having you here.”
I didn’t know what to say to ease her pain.
“Actually, I found something this week I’d like you to see. I think it might help.”
“What’s that?” I asked.
She stood and motioned for me to follow. I did and she led me into Nikki’s room, walking into the closet. She emerged with a book.
“This is Nikki’s diary. I think you should read it.”
I stared at the object she was holding, my heart picking up a beat. This book was part of Nikki—her voice, her insights.
“Are you sure?” I swallowed hard, knowing I wanted to read it. “I don’t want to invade her privacy.”
She stepped forward and placed the book in my hands. “Read it, Chase. She would want you to. You can stay in here. I’ll call your mom and let her know what you’re doing.”
“Okay.” She left and I locked the door so I wouldn’t be disturbed, before making my way over to the chair in the corner. I sat down and stroked the cover, wondering how many times she’d held it while she recorded her inner most thoughts. I held it like it was a lifeline, both excited and afraid over what was hidden between the pages, knowing they would be the last words of hers I ever read.
I took a deep sigh and opened it.
The first part of it was filled with things that happened before we met, but I devoured every word, treasuring the piece of Nikki’s world it showed, and who she was at that time. Here and there were pictures or special notes and papers she’d slid into it. I loved seeing all the images of her.
I laughed when I got to the part about her meeting me. I’d certainly made a less than stellar impression that first day. To say she’d been appalled might actually be a vast understatement. I was glad I’d managed to make her change her opinion.
There were a lot more memories of the two of us recorded. I loved getting to read her feelings from her point of view. I relived every moment with her in my mind.
I’d been reading for several hours when I came to a special place in the diary she’d sectioned off with a rubber band. I carefully slipped it off, surprised by what I found inside, and my fingers started shaking as I looked at the pages.
It was a letter she had written specifically to me.