Chapter Twenty-Six
This is a special part in my diary. I’m going to call it the Letter to Chase section. Sometimes there are things I want you to know, Chase, like how you’re the guy I’m madly and irrevocably in love with. You make me so happy, that sometimes I feel overwhelmed with the need to tell you stuff. But when it’s in the middle of the night, like tonight, I can’t talk to you, so I thought it would be nice to write all these things down and maybe someday you and I can share them together. You’ll probably laugh at me for doing this, but I don’t care. My heart is full, and I need a place to put it all.
Let me start out by saying I really didn’t want anything to do with you in the beginning. I thought you were a player—one of those kids who gets everything he wants in life, then discards it when he’s done. I quickly learned I was wrong, and I shouldn’t have judged you on preconceived misconceptions.
Somehow you wormed your way into my heart and made a home for yourself there. I’ve honestly thought you were a little crazy at times, but that’s what makes you so lovable. You’re both strong and tender. You’re not afraid to march to the beat of your own drum. You make me laugh, and your kisses are like a piece of heaven on earth. I don’t know if there really is any good way to describe you, except to say . . .you’re just Chase.
Remember the day I fell during a stunt at cheer practice? I was okay, but I hit my jaw and cracked a tooth. My coach called my mom, and she got me an appointment with the dentist. You came and picked me up afterward to take me home, and we sat in the driveway for an hour kissing. You said you’d never kissed anyone whose mouth was deadened with Novocain before and told me you needed to experiment. You wanted me to tell you how much I could feel.
It felt funny because I couldn’t sense things properly, but then you spent half the time kissing my neck, which made your little experiment total null and void anyway—not that I minded in the least! Ha, ha.
I want you to know I loved that kiss! I swear I could let you do that to me all day and never get tired of it. I made up my mind right then—I never want you to stop!
How about the night you took me out to dinner, and we had a discussion on middle names? You were determined to pry mine out of me, and since I always give in so easily I decided to make you sweat for this one. It drove you insane that I wouldn’t tell! I laughed so hard. When you finally snatched my purse and fished out my driver’s license I didn’t realize what you were doing until it was too late. “Nikki Marie Wagner,” you read out loud and told me it was perfect.
All I could think of was how much I loved hearing the sound of my name on your lips. It gave me goose bumps. Then you wrapped your arms around me and kissed me right there in front of everyone. I was blushing so hard, but I was the happiest girl on the planet.
But then you refused to tell me your middle name, so when we were walking out to the truck, I leaned up against it and tempted you with a kiss. You actually groaned when you thought I was grabbing your butt until you felt me lift your wallet right out of your pocket! You may have caught me quickly after I ran away with it, but I have to say I love your name too, Chase David Walker.
I was glad we had that night together, because I thought I might die during the two weeks in June when we didn’t get to see each other during your football camp, followed by my cheer camp. Whose dumb idea is it to not allow cell phones at these things? I understand the need for building team unity, but this was just cruel and unusual punishment. I thought I was going to go crazy without getting to talk to you!
Oh, but the first night back together made it all worth it, didn’t it? I was excited to go to the movie, but you came to pick me up and couldn’t stop kissing me. We made it as far as the porch swing and spent the rest of the night in each other’s arms until it was time for you to go home.
I remember you asked me what my plans were for college after I graduated. I told you I wanted to go wherever I could major in counseling or psychology and asked why you wanted to know. When you said you wanted to be wherever I was because being without me was torture, I thought my heart might explode with sheer delight.
Am I too young to be considering things like this in my life right now? I can’t seem to get the conversation out of my head. I couldn’t imagine anything better than being with you at college too. I love you so much.
I think you have an amazing future ahead of you. I’ve watched you at practice a lot. You’re amazing! You’ll get a scholarship for sure. I honestly think you’re superstar material, and I hope I’m lucky enough to get to be with you for every second.
Oh, and you’re the best boyfriend ever! Bringing me those roses at my cheer practice . . . be still my heart! When you said you saw them in the store, and they were so pretty they reminded you of me, I think every girl on the squad swooned. I can’t believe how sweet you are! I swear, every time I look at you it’s like my heart is going to flip out of my chest or something . . . it races so fast. I don’t even know how to describe it, except to say you make me feel the most wonderful things.
I also have to say the Fourth of July has to go on record as one of the best days of the entire summer. I loved celebrating Independence Day with our families out at the ranch. The barbeque and pie was delicious, and the games and playing with the sparklers were so much fun.
The best part of the night for me, though, came at the town fireworks. I loved that you brought a blanket and spread it in an area away from everyone else. When you proceeded to kiss me during the entire display, I could actually feel the earth moving as the air exploded around us. Every time I opened my eyes, I could see the explosions in the air over your head and it was as if you were some mythical being creating this magical haven for just the two of us. You told me you loved me, like you do every day, but I never get tired of hearing it. You literally rock my world. I can’t get enough. It makes me wonder if you know exactly how special you really are.
I’ve had several long visits with you about this. I know you get feeling discouraged about things which happened after your dad’s death. I love that you feel you can come talk to me, but I hate seeing you hurt. I know you miss your dad so much and can tell you had a very close relationship. For some reason you can’t seem to see yourself the same way I see you. It’s as if you get hung up on your flaws, and you berate yourself until you feel so torn down you’re miserable.
I wish you could see through my eyes. Just one time is all it would take for you to know the kind of person you really are. Yes, you’ve had issues with drugs and alcohol in the past, and I realize sometimes it’s hard not to turn back to those kinds of things. It’s what became comfortable.
You’ve come so far, but you don’t see it that way. You miss the lifestyle sometimes, so you feel it means you’re not truly trying hard enough to change. I don’t condemn you. It’s natural for you to want to hang with your friends, but it’s hard when they’re doing things you’re trying to leave behind. The temptation will always be there. I get it. I wish I could help with it somehow.
I want you to be happy. I wonder if I’m failing you somehow because you make me feel so good all the time. I don’t know what I can do to make you feel the same way.
It’s not that you aren’t doing well, it’s that you get down and don’t seem to think you’re worthy of the things you have. You are. You’ve worked hard for what you’ve got. I want to stand on the roof and shout to the world how wonderful you are.
Do you hear me, Chase Walker? I love you! You’re wonderful! If there’s one thing I wish you could truly know it’s that I think you’re pretty near perfect. The world became a blessed place on the day you were born. You’re so strong, and you have such a good heart. I know you can conquer anything you set your mind to. And no matter where I am, or what I am doing, I’ll always be your cheerleader, cheering you along just like you do for me.
Someday when you’re old and gray, I’m going to look at you and the fabulous life you’ve lived and say, “I told you so! I knew you would
rock the world!” And you will have to agree and tell me how right I am, won’t you? Ha, ha! I know how much you’ll hate doing that. But mark my words . . . Chase Walker is going places!
So stop looking at the past and all the things you can’t change. They’re done and over with. Now is the time for you to look to the future, grasp it by the hand, and decide where you want to go. I told you once before, and I’ll say it again—this is your life, Chase. Only you can decide what it’s going to be like. Don’t let outside forces dictate it for you.
But whatever you do, I hope you’ll always know I love you more than anything. You will always be with me wherever I go, because I hold you in my heart. You’re a piece of my very soul. Please . . . don’t ever give up.
Nikki
I could hardly see the words for the tears. It was as if she’d reached inside me and flayed me wide open. It was as if she knew . . . like she was here talking to me right now, coaching me, guiding me, and cheering me on.
Only I didn’t know if I was strong enough to do what she was asking.