“I didn’t need to own a bakery. When I got the news from Hale that he’d bought it, I was upset and really angered. I didn’t want a gift like that. That there is an unpardonable burden. I knew it was to control you and that made me sick. Not owning that place is a relief. I love to bake, and if I could buy it, that would be a different story. But I don’t want a man buying me shit. I can do it myself.”
“I’m sorry, so sorry I went. I beg your forgiveness for this.” I knew that my choices still affected everyone and that they were worried and sick about me.
“Sammy Jo, we all make mistakes. It’s part of growing up and learning. What matters is that we remember those mistakes and don’t make the same ones twice. It’ll toughen you up and God knows you need that. Sometimes a head in the clouds gets rained on.”
The first real smile I’d felt in days touched my lips and spread to my face. Momma always knew the right thing to say to keep me from falling apart. She was blunt but encouraging and it came in a package that was wrapped with a ribbon of love.
“That pretty face of yours is a little banged up but it’ll heal and life will go on. Other men will come and go. Then one day the right one will collide and everything will change in an instant. You’ll know it’s real and there won’t be a fairytale attached to what he offers. He will make you smile, feel secure and safe, the best friend you’ve ever had. That’s when you know it’s right. It’s what I had with your daddy. No man will ever take his place. He’s gone, but the time I spent with the man are the very best years of my life. Know that you will also find that. Waiting on him is the most important part. Soul mates ain’t ordered and registered.”
The entire time she was talking I saw Ezra’s picture in my mind. I’d felt all those things with him, yet he wasn’t the right one because he was impossible to know or get close to. He lived a life devoid of real human contact. The only reason I felt safe with him was that making you safe was his job. He guarded the rich and famous. I hoped the man momma was talking about would find me in Moulton, Alabama. However, I doubted that.
We walked to her car and put my luggage inside then headed home off the main roads. Back to the bedroom I shared with my sisters. Back to my friends who were expecting a baby and living the married life. Back to the bakery, where I would sell sweets, to the people in town who knew me. Back to everything I thought I hated.
And I couldn’t wait to get there.
The only memories I had of New York City that I could replay in my head at night were those I spent with Ezra. He was gone but in my heart I could visit him. One day I wouldn’t think about him and I could move on from those thoughts.
“What if you think you’ve fallen in love, but it’s an impossible situation?” I was unable to bite my tongue. I had to ask her and so I did.
“If it’s real Sammy Jo, it’s possible.”
Explaining to her what I meant was completely out of the question. She couldn’t know about Ezra. Now I was protecting him and I didn’t even know why. Didn’t know what from or if my secrecy did him any good at all.
“But what if it isn’t?” I asked, unable to let it go.
“If it’s real then life will open the right path. You just have to wait. Time will tell.”
I could wait but I knew waiting was in vain. I closed my eyes and laid my head back. My memories would have to be sufficient. Until those memories would fade.
Chapter Twenty
Hazel was waiting in the yard before the car could even stop. As she ran in circles her long curly hair flew up into the air like antlers, the smile on her face whitely beaming. I felt my eyes fill with tears and realized how much I’d missed them. More so than I had imagined. Hazel’s excitement made life whole. For a moment I was complete.
“She’s missed you the most, that one there. I’d say she’s gone insane with the gigglies.” Momma said it to be touching and it was.
“I missed her crazy myself,” I replied. As soon as we stopped I opened the door and Hazel pinned me to the seat, her arms clutched tightly around my neck. She held on as I gently forced her back.
“Sammy Jo,” she squealed, like a young girl squeals. “I’m so glad you’re home forever!”
So was I. Right now forever was fine with me, and the bakery seemed like heaven.
“I also missed you precious.” I told her with a smile on my face that eased some of my pain. I carefully positioned my arm so her excitement couldn’t injure me further. She pulled back and a frown touched her lips. “Your face is hurt Sammy Jo.”
“I told you she was slapped around. But she’s fine. Be gentle with her. Especially her arm,” said momma.
Hazel loosened her grip. “I forgot. Are you okay?”
“I’m fine. Much better now.” I then hugged her to me with my good arm.
“Ohmygod you’re back! And you’ve been hit! Did you shoot him? Is he dead?” Bessy, still loud and dramatic, remained loud and dramatic.
“Shoot him?” I asked while smiling.
“Of course. No man hits a woman from the state of Alabama and lives without a bullet in his brain.”
This time I laughed and it felt really good. “No, I decided against murder.”
Bessy frowned. “I’d’ve shot his ass.”
“Bessy Marie! That mouth!” momma scolded, though I was glad to hear it.
“Give me a hug,” I told her, wrapping my arm around her shoulders. Bessy sank into me and I could tell that the feeling was mutual between we sisters. There was relief in her sigh and the way that she cuddled and such comfort cannot be explained.
“Sammy Jo!” That was Henry’s little voice.
“He woke up,” Bessy said, stepping back.
“Henry,” I called and bent down to hug him as he ran waving his hands.
“Don’t let him hurt your arm. Henry, please slow down.” Momma was worried he’d slam into me and cause additional damage with his love.
“He’s fine,” I assured her, as he made his way to me, pausing when he noticed the brace on my arm and the bruising scattered on my face.
“You have boo boo’s,” he said. “Lots of ‘em.” His smile became a tiny frown.
“Yes, but I’m okay.”
He reached and touched my face. His fingertips were gentle like a breeze. Tears stung my eyes, because he looked even taller, since I’d seen him before I left. I’d missed a month of his life and that made my heart ache when I thought about how he saw it. A month to Henry was the same as a year. What had he learned in my absence? Would he remember when he learned it I was gone?
“I missed you,” I told him.
“I missed you,” he replied and then kissed my swollen cheek.
“Let’s get Sammy Jo inside. For thirty minutes you can ask her your questions. Then she’s taking a nap. She needs some rest after all that travel.”
We turned our heads in momma’s direction and again I felt the joy of being home. I couldn’t remember why I’d wanted to escape. Having my siblings around me, and my momma’s strength, struck me as a priceless piece of wisdom.
“Did you bring us something?” Bessy asked.
I remembered the bag of gifts. I doubted those things had been put in my luggage. Did they even know where I placed them? They needed something from the world out there. I started to explain that I hadn’t been able to bring everything back with me. Momma then said “in the seat. There’s a box right there for the taking. That there box is what she brought home to you. Your sister mailed it before she left. You go ahead Bessy and carry it on in since that’s the first thing you were concerned with.”
I hadn’t mailed anything home. I wasn’t sure what was in that box or why momma thought it would be gifts. I didn’t say anything in front of the kids. I hurried and sidled up to momma. “I didn’t mail anything,” I said, as quietly as I could speak.
“That woman said to look for it today and that was what it was. I picked it up at the post office on my way to get you. It was there just like she said.”
Gia. Again. Gia. I really needed to thank that lady, although it was Ezra that knew about the items. He told her to get them and send them. I wanted to personally thank him, see his face and hear his voice.
As we walked into the house Bessy put the box on the table and began opening it up. The kitchen table shook with her aggression. She was as excited about the contents as the younger two. I hoped everything was still inside. It wasn’t much and the box was larger than needed. I figured Gia found the bag and stuffed everything in it so she didn’t appear to be prying.
Bessy opened the flaps as Henry climbed in a chair so he could see inside. Hazel quietly watched as she lifted the bag and to my surprise the bag was stuffed.
“There’s so much!” Bessy said with elation in her voice as she began to plunder the contents. She pulled out shirts and purses, hats and flashlights, with a map of the city laminated. There was a small toy replica of Grand Central Station and the Statue of Liberty in green. The jewelry, stuffed animals and bags of candy were from the M&M store in Times Square. I hadn’t bought any of that. My budget would’ve exploded.
They squealed with delight as the three figured out what gift went to whom and why. I stood there watching unable to speak, smiling when they showed me with pleasure something that made them happy. Saying “you’re welcome” to all their “thanks” seemed wrong for me to reply to. I hadn’t done any of this. But I knew who did and I was humbled.
“What a fine thing to do,” momma said.
My chest ached with the love before me. I was home. I was with my family. But I missed him. Ezra was vapor. Though here he was again in these gifts. He may be unreachable but my memories wouldn’t permit me to forget him any time soon. I doubted they ever would. I had fallen in love with a man I couldn’t have. Ezra was not to be “had.” The man was smoke and that cloud had dissipated.
“You look surprised,” momma said in a very low voice as she came to stand beside me.
“I only bought a fourth of that. I couldn’t afford another dime.”
Momma nodded. “The woman said Ezra was sending extra. Some things you mentioned the kids would like. Is Ezra the one who’s got you in knots?”
Hearing someone say his name made it real. I needed that right now. To know he was real and that Ezra was actual, not the vapor or the smoke that he seemed.
“Yes,” I replied. “He’s the one.”
Chapter Twenty-One
Momma wouldn’t let me go to work the next week. She said “rest and let your face heal. Then you can work with the public. They’ll be nosey as is and we don’t want to help that. They’re already asking questions.” Moulton was still small and Moulton remained Moulton.
Sleeping late and being alone in the house was something I’d never done. I’ve risen with the sun since I was old enough to walk and carry a basket. Momma had chores for all of us. This was odd. Being here alone.
Five days after my arrival I stood fixed before the coffee pot. The music of its brewing was enticing. Nine in the morning and the whole place was desolate and I thought to myself this is sad. I’m not a fan of this empty house. I wanted to go be with my family. See my friends without explanations. Jamie didn’t know I was back yet. I hadn’t told her because rehashing the story was a thing that really upset me. I couldn’t have it both ways with bruises on my face so I quietly stayed in the house. She would eventually know the truth. Good or bad, Jamie got it all. But right now I wasn’t ready to share that. My memories of Ezra were getting me through the day. I missed him more with each passing moment. I thought it was supposed to get easier, but my longing was getting worse.
The coffee finished brewing and I took a rare moment to appreciate the coffee maker. I’d missed having a regular no frills cup first thing in the morning when I woke up. The way the kitchen smelled from the coffee brewing and the memories that held made everything steady in my world.
I walked outside with my coffee into the warm summer morning. I’d never taken time to enjoy this place because I took it all for granted. I wouldn’t do that again. Now I knew that every dream one might pursue didn’t have the result they wished. Some were meant to be left alone, their silver linings really dark clouds.
“You look better.” The male voice came from behind me and I jumped spilling my coffee. A small startled squeal shot from my throat, but it died instantaneously. I knew that voice. Knew that tone.
Spinning around, spilling even more coffee, I soaked in the sight of Ezra. He was here, in my backyard. Looking as beautiful and dangerous as ever, just like I remembered. The same as he was in last night’s dream, but the dream was now reality.
“You’re here,” I blurted out, still in shock. I knew I was awake. The stinging on my hand from the burn of the liquid was my assurance this was happening.
He nodded and took several steps towards me. “I’ve been around.”
“What? You’ve been around?”
He grinned and I melted just a smidge. “Yeah. Around. To make sure you were okay. Settled in.”
Where exactly was “around” I thought? “What about your work for Hale?”
He shrugged and continued to look at me with that warmth in his stare that completed me and made my body feel whole again. Excited, he replied “that’s handled. It will and can find its own end.”
He was being evasive again. Weren’t we beyond all of that? I would’ve thought the barriers and every single wall were now down. I took a step towards him and asked “who is Major? Tell me the truth.”
The way his body tensed told me more than his mouth ever would. I knew this was something he never planned on sharing, though now it was exposed and bared.
“You were awake in the hospital.” He didn’t state it in the form of a question.
I nodded. “Yes I was.”
With a sigh he ran his hand through his hair and then gave me the saddest smile. The kind that broke my heart and I didn’t even know what he was going to say after that. “Major is the reason that we can’t be,” he replied with a motion between us. He pointed at me, and then himself. “I was born Major Colt. Then I decided to live my life in the shadows. Working a job that was full of excitement but is lonely. I don’t think I realized how lonely until you. It’s what I thought I wanted then I walked into Hale’s and saw you for the very first time. I didn’t expect to ever find… a you. Someone that would shatter me to walk away from.”
There had to be an answer to this. Some solution to this. “But if you don’t like your job just leave it.”
He shook his head. “I can’t. Major Colt is dead. I watched my own damn funeral. Saw my family and friends mourn me. It wasn’t easy but I chose this life. Now I have to live what I chose. Ezra has no existence separate from work. If he wants it, well, if I want it, it can’t happen because he isn’t a person.”
No, I wouldn’t accept that. I wouldn’t allow that excuse. “I love you,” I told him without fear. Even if he didn’t say the words to me I needed Major and Ezra to know. He was throwing “us” away. He had to think about that before he did it.
“You can’t love a dead man,” was his reply.
“Good thing you’re not dead,” I said.
He closed the distance and we embraced one another. The kiss I thought I’d never get to taste again was suddenly planted on my lips. Making my world contract. I was reminded that pieces of fairytales could happen, if only in slivers and sections, though you might not have them completely. Maybe your dreams couldn’t be experienced, not as you completely dreamed them. You might simply and briefly touch them. Like tiny shards of a broken mirror. What was reflected was a piece of your longing. That gave you the permission to continue dreaming, knowing that hope was present.
I slid my hands up his arms and around his neck. My fingers played in the hair at his neckline. He moved down to my bottom to cup it and then drew me closer to his waist. I felt the arousal our kiss had caused. I’d never been this close to a man. I knew what I was feeling but the contours of his bulge was something
I’d never touched. He ground into me and I reacted. My body hummed with want. This was what I’d been waiting for. Someone like Ezra to desire me. I wasn’t going to let him go easily. I would fight until my very last breath.
When a hand slipped under my shirt my heart went wild in my chest. As it covered my breast I made a noise. It was similar to a moan, but it was more of a plea, for him to go all the way. For Ezra to take what he wanted.
He tugged my bra down and released my flesh into his eager rubbing grip. My breathing became erratic. I wasn’t concerned with oxygen at the moment. I needed Ezra to fulfill this need. When he broke the kiss he muttered a curse under his heaving breath.
“Sammy Jo, I can’t do this. Not knowing I have to leave.”
Oh yes he could, because he would be back. He was afraid and didn’t tell me he loved me, but I’d seen the look in his eyes, when I said the words to him. Ezra felt something or he wouldn’t be with me in Moulton. He would’ve just walked away.
I then did all I knew to do. I pulled my shirt off, dropped it on the grass then discarded my bra the same way. When I reached for the buttons on my blue jean shorts Ezra grabbed my wrists. “Jesus, Sammy Jo,” he groaned.
“We aren’t stopping. This is happening.” As soon as he let go of me I would finish undressing. I’d never been naked in front of a man. I could feel the blush creeping over my skin from the sheer exposure of my nudity. This would not keep me from what I wanted.
“Sammy Jo, I can’t do this, knowing I’m not coming back.”
“Yes you can,” I replied. It was all I had to give him. I’d professed my love and that wasn’t enough to make him stay with me. If this didn’t work then at least I’d have the memory. “I want my first time to be with you.”
He closed his eyes tightly and said “shit.”
I patiently waited with his hand on my wrists. When he opened his eyes the look was new. There was heat, acceptance and desire. His hands left my wrists and went to my waist. “Let’s go inside,” he said.
The chill through my body interrupted my breathing. He had to grab me to keep me from falling.
Chapter Twenty-Two