I walked into my house, topless, with Ezra’s hands on my waist. The heat from his touch was like a bolt of lightning shooting through my body. We were barely inside when he moved me to the table and spun me around to face him, jerking me up against his chest before wildly kissing me again. I released my inhibitions. This would be my final chance. The last time I had Ezra completely to myself and I had to convince him to stay, that his life was solely with me. If it didn’t this was all I would have and I wanted that perfect moment.
I tugged on the hem of his shirt. He tore it off and came back to me. My nipples stung with pleasure as they brushed against his chest. The muscles I’d only glimpsed, there against me impressively moving, the flex of his body and uncontained passion writhing and pulling me in. He kneaded my flesh and opened me up and I accepted whatever he did. Nothing had ever felt this amazing and I knew it never would. This would set the sexual bar for me and I knew no other could attain it. Still though, I didn’t care. I was tired of caring. I wanted to get lost. To wander through the soul of this man.
Ezra’s hands went down to my shorts. Without breaking the kiss he had them unbuttoned and sliding down my legs. Within seconds they were at my ankles. My mind wanted to shy away but I wasn’t going to let it. This was my first. I wouldn’t ruin it.
I stepped from my shorts when they hit the floor. He’d left my panties on. I wondered which pair I was wearing. I couldn’t remember. When his hands went to cover my bottom he slid them under the fabric. Whichever pair they were would be fine with me because they wouldn’t be on me for long.
“Sit on the table,” he said, his voice thick and deep. I wasn’t sure why I needed to sit on the table, but my knees felt weak so I figured that was a good idea. He didn’t wait for me to do it. Making quick work of my panties he sat me on the table himself.
“I know you’re a virgin Sammy Jo. But have you ever had your pussy eaten?”
I shuddered after the question. My body blushed from self-conscious embarrassment. I shook my head no and dropped my gaze. I’d never heard a guy refer to my vagina as a “pussy,” with or without the word “eaten.” I’d heard guys at school say the word before, but they weren’t making reference to mine. Ezra was, and he was direct.
“Good,” was his reply. He then knelt down in front of my legs, split them open and pulled them to him, settling them over his shoulders. Now I really wanted him to stop. This was more than I’d imagined when I thought about sex with Ezra and that was a lot.
Before I could make him quit his tongue touched me there. I almost bolted from the table. After two more seconds of this I wasn’t going anywhere. Nor did I care that he was intimately involved in interviewing my vagina. I wanted him to stay where he was for as long as he chose to be there. It seemed to me this was a great idea.
My noises sounded like I was begging for more or I assumed that’s what they meant. I couldn’t be sure in my head. The pleasure was almost too much. I couldn’t think clearly or focus on reason, because I didn’t want to do either. My body was clawing for release, one that I was familiar with, because my fingers had brought me to climax many times.
However, this was more intense. It was stronger with a different pattern. My body was shaking with anticipation, or was it need or even desire? I wasn’t positive, but I knew that when it broke it would crash like waves on a beach. If I could worry, my worry would be, that I might not survive the explosion. Though this seemed a good way to die.
With the ignition of the fireworks thinking wasn’t useful, or if it was, I couldn’t do it. I was thrown into another world, where nothing mattered but the bliss that controlled me. When I finally landed back on earth and my mind connected with my body, Ezra was naked before me. I was lightly being pulled into his arms, and then he spoke and said “Sammy Jo, where’s your bed?”
My bed? Oh, where I sleep. I must’ve looked confused because a satisfied smile touched his face and he looked pleased, with himself and his deadly mouth. “It’s your first time. We need a bed. Where is yours?”
Oh! Now it was time for the sex. In the bed that I shared with my sister? I wasn’t sure about that. “What about the sofa?” I asked.
He cocked an eyebrow as if that were ridiculous. “Why not your bed sweetheart?”
He’d just been kissing between my legs. There was no reason to keep any secrets. Modesty has been thrown from the window: “I share it with Hazel, my sister.”
A grin broke across his face and he chuckled: “so we can’t have sex where your sister sleeps?”
I wasn’t sure. Could we do that? “I don’t know,” I honestly replied.
Ezra sighed, his forehead resting against mine and this was his patient reply: “I think your sister will never know. So it’ll be fine. I simply want you to be comfortable. Being your very first time.”
He was right. I was being silly. “Okay. Sounds good to me.”
With that response he chuckled and picked me up. “Point me in the right direction. I assume if we had this much of a struggle with deciding on the bed that you share, your mother’s is completely off limits?”
I tipped my head with several quick jerks. “No way are we going in there.”
That made him laugh and then I joined him.
“The room to the left is ours.”
He carried me like I was a damsel, being rescued from a fire or something. I wanted to and had to say it: “what we did in there,” I began, then paused, and he was immediately understanding.
“Yes? Go ahead and ask it.”
My goofiness had to cease. I was almost nineteen years old. “That was oral sex.” It was a question, but I didn’t phrase it that way.
“That was me eating your pussy,” he said. Then he rested me on my bed. His body hovered above me before he lowered himself against me and my mouth was open. All other thoughts then vanished. Ezra was skin to skin. The heat from our bodies increased. His pressing hardness was terrifying, though I wanted it to be inside me. I was ready. More than ready.
His knee opened my legs as I held his arms. I watched his face and his shifting body. I’d commit this scene to memory. When he was gone I would have this forever. I needed to remember it all.
“This hurts. You know that right?” He asked and his voice sounded constrained like he was having difficulty controlling himself.
“Yes.” I knew about the pain. My mother had scared us with it when she told us about sex and children. Although I doubted it actually felt like my insides were “being ripped open.” Those were the words she chose. If it had been so bad for her the first time then why did she keep on doing it, spitting out babies left and right and acting like we couldn’t hear them? That was a question that I never asked and the reason I didn’t believe her.
Ezra bent his head and kissed my cheek, his breath warm against my skin. “I’ll be easy,” he promised and smiled.
Even if she was right I wanted the pain with him.
Chapter Twenty-Three
It did hurt. But I didn’t care. As soon as Ezra was completely inside me he stopped and waited while peppering my face with kisses as if to soothe me. I lifted my hips to take him deeper once the initial stabbing and the wince that came with it were gone and my body adjusted.
“Are you okay?” he asked.
“Yes,” my voice was raspy. I held onto his arms tighter waiting for him to move.
He took my encouragement, slid his hips closer before pulling away just enough, to ease it back in again. I knew this was how it was done, the mechanics of the thing, but the actual experience was beautiful. We were one. No Major or a secret life. There was nothing keeping us apart. He was altering my life forever. Ezra had become my “first.”
“God, you’re so fucking tight. It’s taking all my will power not to lose control and bury myself deep inside you.”
I wanted that. This was my chance to have all that Ezra could give me. If he was holding back I didn’t want him to. “Show me, please, do it.”
He paused and inha
led a shaky breath. “I can’t. You’re tender. It will hurt.”
Yes he could. I wasn’t missing this. If we never had this again I wanted every memory that was possible. “I’m begging you Ezra. Please. Go as deep as you can go. I want to be filled with you.”
He tensed and bent his head to kiss me. I leaned into him arching my body. I could not have enough. I longed for his very last inch.
“Will you call me Major? While we’re like this? I want to be who I am.”
I nodded. He was Ezra to me, but I wanted to know him as Major. The man he was before. Had he been different when he carried that name? What had sent him running into a life in the shadows never to return again?
“Raise your knees. Tuck them near my waist.”
I did as he said and I felt him go deeper. He was right, it hurt, but I still loved the feeling and wanted as much as he could give. Almost as much as I needed him to tell me he loved me while we were like this. As close as we could be. But he didn’t, the words weren’t his. Neither Ezra nor Major spoke of love.
He rocked his hips and brought us both to a climax. I shouted his name, his first, the name he wanted to hear. The name I wanted to know. Tears burned my eyes as he rolled to his side and took me with him for a warm embrace. Still close. Snug against his chest. This could be it and I knew that. This moment could be all I’d get.
Or it could be enough to make him stay.
We lay there in silence with our labored breathing slowing with each second that passed. I didn’t want to move. I was afraid to break the silence. So I kept my thoughts to myself. Not asking him for more. Not telling him, yet again, that I loved him, so I said nothing.
Minutes turned into an hour before Ezra finally spoke. He’d kissed my head, his hands caressing my arm, while we were there lost in our thoughts. We weren’t sure of the future before us. At least I wasn’t, not knowing what he’d do.
“I’ll never forget this,” he finally said and my heart shattered into pieces. Those four words were what I needed to hear, everything I’d waited for. He wouldn’t be staying. This hadn’t been enough. Ezra was going to leave.
“Me either,” was all I could say. It was too painful to speak. The urge to beg him was there, under the surface, the barely controllable crust of a wall I was attempting to currently maintain.
He kissed my lips, a peck, nothing more. “I can’t tell you I love you Sammy Jo.”
At least he was honest. I nodded. Any remnants of my heart were now gone. They combusted and evaporated. I was hollow, empty and broken, beyond any repair or fix.
“If I were still Major I wouldn’t leave you. I would give you the life you want. The one that you hold in your dreams. The life I want more than I can tell you.”
Again, I had no words. Couldn’t even nod any more.
“My world isn’t safe. I need to know that you’re safe. Tell me you really understand.”
I did. I wasn’t enough. He had a life of excitement to chase and I wasn’t enough to make him stay. He had excuses but I knew the truth. He didn’t love me. That was the answer.
“You never promised me more,” I managed to say. Anything else was a lie, and I wasn’t a liar so I said it, but didn’t feel better when I did.
Sighing wearily he laid his head on my shoulder, like the world was on his back. Ezra knew he’d broken my heart, and it was hard on him to react. Even though I tried to remain calm and let him go without shedding a tear, so that he wouldn’t remember he’d crushed me.
“I can’t come back,” he said against my skin. “But I’ll dream of you every night. My thoughts will always be wherever you are and I’ll sense that you are with me. From now on I will never be alone. This is the memory I’ll cherish. The one we’re sharing right now.”
That was too much. I needed him to stop if I was going to hold myself together. He was expecting a response, which was impossible.
We then separated, his body from mine, Ezra covering me with a blanket. He stood naked staring down at me. What strength I had met his gaze there above me, and this would be the last that I saw of him. The sorrow in his eyes mirrored what I felt, or maybe that was my imagination. Begging for this man to feel what I felt as he watched and said the expected: “goodbye Sammy Jo,” he whispered.
I wouldn’t say it, couldn’t say it back. Instead I closed my eyes to block out the image of Ezra leaving the room. My memories would end in this bed. They wouldn’t be permitted elsewhere.
His footsteps moved away from me. I listened as he dressed in the kitchen where he’d removed his clothing and mine. I waited in the hopes he’d change his mind and come back to me in the bed. If I stood up and went to him I knew I would cry and beg. I would, so I stayed put. Would he decide in there, with me in here, that we were worth fighting for? Enough for his own rebirth, as the man he’d been before Ezra?
He never came back. Neither Ezra nor Major. Both were gone in that instant. For hours I lay, long after his car drove away and the world was silent. The life was sucked from me. My soul seemed gone, my being vacated and nothing remained but pain. I was empty. He’d walked away. Just like he said he would. Just like I’d hoped he wouldn’t. One thing I knew for certain was that Ezra and this other called Major Colt weren’t men who’d lied to me. They’d both been brutally honest. I had chosen not to believe them.
Epilogue
Williams had to drive Hale north to White Plains to meet the cartel and get his coke. He had cash for the kilo and this deal was new and his connection was solid and reliable. He’d move the cocaine through his regular channels and then see if the purity was approved. His customers would let him know, though he kept barriers between them and himself.
As far as Williams knew they were going to meet a partner, a new guy that Hale had hired. He owned two restaurants around White Plains and though this was not unusual it was early. They’d left New York at three in the morning with the snow and the ice cascading, falling in chunks and freezing the roads, though Williams knew what he was doing. Before he worked as a driver for Hale, this Williams had other employers. Williams had been around.
“Sir, I’m sorry to bother you. It’s this rest stop? The one on the right?”
“Yes Williams. Park underneath the floodlight. They’ll be waiting in a car like this one and will flash their lights when they see us.”
“Very good. Thank you sir.”
They exited slowly and cautiously from the road to the rest stop and Williams took his time. He dodged piled up ice with snow on its top and Hale didn’t seemed bothered. The car he had mentioned was waiting. He was fifteen minutes early, so they must’ve been twenty and that didn’t make him suspicious. This cartel was run by business men much like himself and his father, though his father didn’t have what it took, so he remained in “legitimate ventures,” while Hale expanded into dope and the cash that flowed with its selling.
“They are here,” Williams said.
“Park fifty feet away so I can see them walk to me and then I’ll need you to go in the restrooms. Here’s a thousand for your inconvenience.”
“Thank you sir. Such is appreciated.”
Hale fisted the cash between the seats and Williams received it with a smile, looking over his shoulder one more time at his boss scowling from the back. As usual, he was proud of himself.
Williams parked and asked “is there anything else?” Hale replied “do what I told you!” Williams then said “so be it.” He stepped from the car into the snow and when he closed the door they locked. No one exited the other black vehicle and he realized he was a hundred feet away instead of the agreed upon fifty.
“Williams! Get the fuck back in here and move us closer to them!”
Williams had simply and wholly evaporated into the ice and the snow and the gloom. Hale yanked at the door and it would not open and then he tried all the others unsuccessfully. When Ezra, Gia and Williams in a pack walked in front of Hale’s idling car, they all stopped in the headlights and waved. Another vehicle then ex
ited, picked the three up, and they departed continuing north. Ezra, Williams and the driver didn’t look, but Gia glanced over the seat, both cars exploding in a mushrooming blast and when she spoke she spoke to herself.
“I hate a motherfucker that beats on a woman.”
Ezra replied “amen.”
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