It was the hardest decision I’d ever had to make.
For a moment in the hospital when I held him in my arms after his birth, I almost did a very selfish thing and kept him. He was so perfect, and I wanted him so bad, but I knew I wasn’t good enough for him. He deserved better than me.
When I went to the adoption agency, I filled out that the father was unknown on the paperwork even though that wasn’t the truth. I knew it wasn’t right, but it also wouldn’t have been right to let Carlos know about a baby that he would never take responsibility for.
I sat down with the caseworker and went through file upon file of families wishing to adopt a baby. I picked a couple who had been married for ten years and had tried everything to have babies on their own. They’d even spent money on trying to get a surrogate, which had failed. I knew if they had been willing to spend that much money to try to have a baby, then they would make sure the baby they did get, even if it wasn’t their own biologically, was the center of their lives. I saw pictures of their house, their dog named Buttons, and where the baby would sleep. It was the life I always dreamed about having for myself when I was little kid. These people could provide everything I couldn’t. I could picture his life with them, and I wanted him to have that life—a life I could never give him.
Giving our son up for adoption to a family who had the means to take care of him and who could provide everything that he would ever need was a blessing.
We come to a light, and Laz reaches over and wraps his fingers around mine. “You okay?”
His concern for me causes me to cry harder. I find myself unable to answer him because, truthfully, I don’t know if I am all right. Laz doesn’t push for an answer though. He simply sits in silence, holding my hand, allowing me to cry it out.
22
Common Thread
Lazarus
I squeeze Drea's fingers one last time.
“We're here,” I tell her in a soft voice as I drive her around back to the pool house. “I think you need to stay with me tonight. You shouldn’t be alone.”
She looks over at me and blinks slowly. “I've given you enough trouble for one evening. I don't want to continue to be a burden to you.”
“You're not a burden, Drea. What you just went through—it was a lot for anyone. The guy was ready to attack you.”
“But he didn't, thanks to you. I don't know what he would've done if you hadn't been there. Carlos and I don't exactly have a great track record.”
“You don't have to tell me about it unless you want to. I mean, the way he was talking to you, it sounded like he knew you, so I wasn't sure if the two of you were just arguing.”
“He was my first boyfriend, and our relationship wasn’t a good one. He would've definitely hurt me if you hadn't been there. He's done it in the past—several times.”
Laz nods. “That explains why he tried to stake a claim on you when I intervened. Do you still have feelings for him?”
She shakes her head. “Absolutely not. Carlos and I are way over.”
“He doesn't seem to know that,” I say. “Next time you want to go see your dad, I don't think it's a good idea for you to go alone. I want to always make sure I go with you to protect you while you're there.” My eyes focus on her, so hopefully, she sees the sincerity in them. I hate seeing her this way. I don’t like to see her so upset. “Do you want to come inside?”
She stares out at the place I call home. “I can’t imagine what it would be like to grow up here.”
The pool house isn’t nearly as big as the main house, but I like the seclusion it provides. “I can't lie; it was pretty fucking fantastic. My parents gave me everything even though they didn't have to.”
“What do you mean?” She asked.
I shrug. “I was adopted. I was a newborn baby when my parents found me at a shelter.”
Her eyes widen. “What?”
“My biological mother had a severe drug addiction and was living in a homeless shelter with a newborn baby. My parents had come to work in the kitchen one day as volunteers, and when they met my biological mother, they saw how much she was struggling. They offered to send her to rehab, completely foot the bill, but she didn't want to do it. She also had no means to care for me, or any family who could help her out because she herself was an orphan and was once a ward of the state.”
My thoughts race back the story my mother told me about how I came into her life. It was a tragic, and when she told me the story about my birth mom, it broke my heart.
“So what happened?” Drea asks.
“My parents returned to the shelter and offered to take the young girl into their home because they felt so sorry for her. It wasn’t long after they took her in that my biological mother just took off and started doing drugs again. Even though she had help, she couldn't straighten herself up. Eventually, she just left me with my parents when I was only a couple months old, and she decided she couldn't handle me anymore. She wanted drugs more than me.” I sigh as I reflect on how shitty things could’ve been for me. “My life could've been complete hell had my parents not adopted me.”
Drea's bottom lip quivers. “You don't feel ill will toward your biological mother, even after all that?”
“How could I? I, myself, was a drug addict, so I know what she was struggling with, and I commend her for leaving me with two very capable people to become my parents and raise me. She knew she couldn't do it, so she left me with people who could.”
Drea's tears return, and I don't know what I've just said, but the expression on her face is clearly one of pain.
“Hey…” I reach over and take her hand again. “Why are you crying?”
She sniffs. “I've never met anyone adopted before, and I’ve always wondered how much resentment they feel toward their biological parent.”
I brush her hair back from her face. “Why would you wonder that?”
She stares up at me. “Because that's what Carlos and I were arguing about. When I was sixteen, I gave up a baby up for adoption. He never knew I was pregnant. He had gone to jail before I found out, and I hid the fact the baby belonged to him.” She’s quiet for a moment. “You must think I'm a disgusting human being for that, don't you?”
I furrow my eyebrows. “What makes you think that? You were young, and obviously, he wasn’t father material from what I just fucking witnessed.”
“I have lived with the guilt of giving my son up for the past four years. I wasn't sure if I was making the right decision, but after tonight, I know I have. But it doesn't mean that Carlos isn’t going be pissed off and come after me for it anyway. He'll use anything he can to come at me. He thinks I'm the reason he went to jail, so finding out I gave away a baby who possibly was his will cause him to come at me full force.”
“Why would he believe you’re the reason he went to jail?”
The corners of her lips turn down. “The day he went to jail, he raped me, so he thinks I called the cops and got him busted for a robbery that he committed while we were together. When I wouldn’t accept his collect calls from jail, he sent one of his little brothers to deliver a message to me—telling me he knew I was a snitch and that he’d settle this with me when he got out. I’ve been a nervous wreck since that day, dreading Carlos’s release, because I know he’ll never believe I never told a single soul about his business. That is, not until now.”
Anger rolls through me, and I should've beat the piss out of the fucker when I had the chance. The image of him putting his hands on Drea comes back at me full force and rage wars within me. If I had known this information about the son of a bitch before I laid eyes on him, nothing would've stopped me from tearing him a part.
I lean back and pinch the bridge of my nose, doing my best to calm myself down. “Fuck.”
My file on this girl never said anything about any of this; not that it would've made a difference in me allowing her to be in that group because, hell, everyone has a past. Look at me. Since she was underage, those records must h
ave been sealed.
“You think I'm an awful human being, don't you?”
My eyes snap in her direction. “No. Actually, all I can think about is how brave you are.”
That statement takes her a back. “Brave? Me?”
I tuck a strand of her dark hair behind her ear and allow my fingers to linger on the side of her face a little longer than they should for an innocent touch. “Yes. That's a very selfless thing you did, giving your baby up. If more people and situations like you and my biological mom would give kids up when they knew it would be better for the child, they would have a better shot in life, rather than repeating the mistakes of their parents. It tells me you have a big heart because you thought of what was best for your son.”
“I’m so screwed up,” she whispers.
“So am I,” I tell her while I stare deeply into her eyes. “Maybe that’s why I’m so drawn to you. We’re kindred spirits. We’re broken people trying to find a way to make ourselves whole again—to find a way to forgive ourselves and accept love even though we don’t believe we deserve it.”
“I don’t see how anyone could ever love me,” she confides, and it breaks my heart.
“I could. It would be very easy to fall in love with you,” I tell her while I cradle her face in my hands. “You're very attractive, Drea, and tonight confirmed for me that you’re beautiful inside too. Truthfully …” I pause. “It's dangerous for us to be alone together, knowing you struggle with a past like me only makes me want you more.”
She stares at me, and she blinks her big brown eyes slowly. “I feel the same way about you.”
The moment the words leave her lips is the moment I can't stop myself from crossing the line and going for it, saying fuck the consequences. I lean in and press my lips to hers. The salt from her tears still lingers on her lips as I taste her.
Her chest heaves as I pull back, and I crave more of her—a lot more. But I know if I start now, I won’t stop, and this sports car won’t allow enough room for all the things I want to do to her body. I’m greedy, so I want to take my time with her.
I cradle her face in my hands. “Spend the night with me. Not just because of what happened today, but because you want to be with me too.”
“Are you sure?” she says in barely above a whisper.
“I can’t remember the last time when I was this sure of anything,” I tell her whole heartedly.
She licks her lips slowly and I hold my breath, praying she’ll agree.
“Okay,” she says softly.
That’s all the invitation I need to jump out of the car and run over to her door to open it. She places her hand in mine, and it’s like she’s putting her trust in my hand, and that means a lot to me because I know what she’s gone through.
My arm snakes around her shoulders, and I pull her in tight against my side. My heart thunders in my chest, anticipating the moment I’ve been dreaming about since the first night I laid eyes on her.
The night at Hellcat bar, I wanted her because I’m hella attracted to women who don’t try to be overly sexy—yet they just are—as Drea was that night. It was clear she wasn’t there to impress anyone, but she sure as hell made an impression on me. When I saw her, I wanted to fuck her because she was a piece of ass I wanted to slip my dick into, but tonight, I don’t feel that way. I feel something for her. I’m definitely attached, but now, I want to possess more than just her body. I want to own her heart.
The key quickly unlocks the door, and I flip on the lights as I lead Drea inside.
“Wow,” she whispers. “It’s really nice in here, but I guess that shouldn’t surprise me since you have a staff to keep everything tidy for you.”
I close the door and grab her hands as I walk backward, leading her to my bedroom. “The staff doesn’t come in here. I’m on my own back here, and I even pay Pop rent to live here.”
Her eyebrows lift at my admission.
“That shocks you?”
She shrugs. “I assumed you lived here for free.”
“You know what they say about people who assume,” I tease. “But seriously, I don’t want to depend on my father for everything. I want to be my own man and stand on my own two feet and if his health wasn’t shit I would have my own place. It’s a pride thing.”
She smiles. “That makes me like you even more.”
I lean in and press my lips to hers. “Let me show you something else that’ll make you go crazy about me then.”
“And what’s that?”
I give her a wicked smile. “Come to my bedroom and find out.”
She giggles at my crassness, and I can’t wait to make good on my promise. I wrap my arms around her, pulling her against my chest as I crush my lips to hers. My greedy tongue snakes its way inside her mouth, and she releases a moan of pleasure.
My cock jerks inside my jeans, and the need to be even closer to her overwhelms me. I reach down and grab her perfect, round ass and hoist her up. She wraps her legs around my waist and thrusts her fingers into my hair. I carry her into my bedroom and lay her down on my king-size bed.
As much as I want to jump on her and go at it like an out-of-control animal, I need to take my time with Drea and make this a night that neither of us ever forgets.
23
Bonding
Drea
Laz stares down at me and bites his bottom lip then drags it slowly between his teeth. His eyes appraise me as if I’m a dessert he can’t wait to take a bite out of. My entire body shivers as the need to be closer to this delicious man overwhelms me.
Laz grabs the back of his shirt and drags it over his head in one swift motion, putting that sexy as sin torso on full display for me. I rake my eyes over his toned chest and down the ripples of his clearly defined six pack. If that wasn’t enough to get me going, the intricate web of tattoos etched into his chest and down both sexy arms has me nearly ready to combust.
Sweet Jesus.
He raises one eyebrow, clearly amused at my excitement as he stands on display. “You can touch if you’d like.”
Heat consumes my face, and I know my blush is out in full force.
He reaches down and grabs my hands. Pulling me to sit on the side of the bed, he places my palms against the naked flesh of his torso. “Don’t be embarrassed with me. Sex is a lot like dancing. Let loose and have fun. No one’s here but you and me.”
Even now, he’s teaching me.
He glides my hands down his body, allowing my fingertips to caress every well-defined line along the way. “If you want something, don’t be afraid to go after it.”
My pulse quickens beneath my skin as I lick my lips. He extends his arm and pinches my chin softly between his thumb and his index finger. Our eyes lock, and I’m lost in a trance.
“You’re so fucking beautiful, Drea. You don’t know how long I’ve wanted you just like this.”
If I wasn’t sitting on this bed, my knees would’ve buckled, and I would’ve melted into a puddle on his nice hardwood floor.
I dip my head a bit as I’m flooded with desire and suck Laz’s thumb into my mouth.
He sucks in a sharp breath. “Drea …”
I like knowing I’m turning him on.
I like knowing he wants me just as much as I want him.
I swirl my tongue around his thumb, and a smile lights up his face. “I knew from the first time I saw you whistle at the bar that you’d be excellent with everything you blew. Maybe you should prove me right.”
His open invitation is one I’m happy to oblige as I pop the button of his jeans and then slowly unzip them. I shove the coarse material down around his hips along with his blue boxer briefs, and his cock springs free. If I ever doubted how attracted he is to me, I now have full confirmation as it stands proudly before me.
My fingertips glide down the base of his shaft, and he groans when I slide the tip of him into my mouth.
He threads his fingers into my hair and hisses. “Jesus.”
His breathing picks up
as I take him in farther, working my way up and down on his cock.
“Slow down, baby, or I’m going to come. I’m nowhere near finished with you yet.” His words cause a shiver to race down my back. I pull back, and the tip of his index finger slides under my chin, raising my head so I can gaze up at him. “Tonight, we take our time. I want to savor every inch of that sexy little body of yours.”
He kicks his shoes off, followed by his pants and underwear. I admire the work of art that is his body that’s on full display before me, and fire erupts in the pit of my belly. I’ve never been so desperate for a man to touch me as I am right now. Every inch of my skin craves him.
He reaches down, finding the bottom hem of the spandex top I’m wearing, and snakes his fingers beneath it. His large hands skim up my sides, bringing my top up with them. There was no need for a bra with this costume, so I’m topless before him.
Air hits my naked flesh, and goose bumps pepper my flesh.
“So fucking beautiful.” Laz drops to his knees, pushing between my legs, and crushes his mouth to mine.
My lips part and he thrusts his tongue into my mouth. A low primal growl sounds in the back of his throat as my erect nipples rub against his chest.
My panties grow wet with need as his stomach presses against them.
Dear Lord, I want this man so much.
He dips his head and swirls his tongue around the pink taut flesh of my breast, taking his time to tease me a bit by lightly grazing his teeth against it. My head lolls back, and I run my fingers through his thick hair. “Laz.”
His name flowing from my mouth seems to excite him. His hand slides up my belly and then rests between my breasts before he pushes me back. “Lie down.”
I do as he commands, and he hooks his fingers around the waistband of my skirt and drags it down my thighs along with my black lacy panties. Lying there in nothing but my high heels, I should feel self-conscious, but I don’t. I’m so overcome with desire; the need to have him inside me is the only thing on my mind.