Page 23
Author: Bella Andre
God, how could he have screwed things up with her so badly? It was why he’d been a master of control all these years, because he’d already learned from the way things had turned out with his marriage how little he had to give to anyone else. He’d been careful not to let any of the women he’d spent time with over the past few years feel too much for him. It had been so easy to keep his heart separate from sex that he’d been certain there wasn’t even the slightest chance of being tempted to lose himself over a woman again.
But he hadn’t bet on Tatiana, on how open she was with her emotions, or that she’d choose him to be the one she gave her love and her innocence to. He’d never been able to think straight when he was around her, and mere hours after he’d had her in his bed his brain was more muddled than ever. Later, when he was able to think rationally again, he prayed he’d somehow be able to figure out a way to make all this up to her.
Right before the elevator doors opened in the lobby, she pulled a hat he hadn’t known she had with her out of her bag, jammed it onto her head, then scooted right out the front door of his building and headed up the storm-battered sidewalk at a fast clip.
Damn it, she was stubborn.
But so was he. And though he knew the very last thing she wanted was for him to accompany her home, he kept pace beside her every step of the way.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
Tatiana’s two-block walk home was a blur of rain and emotion. She made sure to keep her head down to lower the odds of anyone recognizing her, and tried to stay a couple of feet ahead of Ian. She’d been right about him not risking throwing her over his shoulder to get her into his car, but he had stubbornly refused to let her walk home alone.
Her heart wrenched in her chest with every step, not only at how something so unbelievably beautiful could turn ugly so fast. . . but at the fact that she hadn’t seen it coming. Hadn’t for one single second guessed that the love she felt for Ian, the love she’d thought they’d expressed to each other every moment they’d been together last night, wasn’t being returned in full.
When he’d told her he wanted to cherish her, she’d assumed he’d been speaking about more than just her body, that he’d meant he wanted to cherish her heart, too, the way she cherished his. She’d been so sure that the sweetness and the intense heat of their lovemaking had been the ultimate proof of all the things Ian felt for her but didn’t know how to say out loud.
Less than an hour ago, she’d been so full of joy, so excited about their future together, so painfully naïve as she’d wrapped herself up in his shirt then walked into the kitchen to find him.
Now, all she could hear was his voice in her head. “Just because we burn up the sheets together doesn’t mean I love you. ”
She had never been so thankful for the wet Seattle skies so that she could pretend it was just the rain she was wiping away from her eyes. Looking up, she saw that they were nearly at her building. Ten feet more, and she’d be safe inside, away from Ian.
“Tatiana. ” He surprised her by reaching for her hand, and holding firmly on to it until she had no choice but to turn to look at him. “I never wanted to hurt you. ”
But she already knew that, and somehow, it made everything worse.
She’d been loved and protected her whole life, but even with his mother’s warning combined with how hard Ian had worked all week to keep his distance from her, she’d still thought love would be straightforward and effortless and easy.
Easy.
Now she knew just how wrong she’d been.
Tugging her hand free, she walked into her building and into the elevator, waiting until the doors closed so that she could be absolutely certain that she was alone before she let her tears fall.
And fall.
And fall.
* * *
Every other time in her life when she’d been knocked down, Tatiana had reached out for her sister, and Valentina had always been there. It was pure reflex to go find her phone, only before she had, she was shocked to realize that making that call for help just didn’t feel right this time.
Valentina had been there for her her entire life, and though Tatiana knew she would be again, this time they wouldn’t be dealing with a skinned knee, or a rude co-star, or Tatiana feeling temporarily overwhelmed by the pressures of fame.
Love was so much bigger than all of those little irritations. So freaking big and confusing, in fact, that she finally understood why Valentina had kept her budding romance with Smith to herself during those early weeks when the two of them had been starting to fall for each other.
Tatiana’s stomach rumbled, but she knew she wouldn’t be able to keep any breakfast down. Not when she was churning inside—mind, body, and soul. Hurt warred with love, and pleasure warred with the fear that she’d been foolish to see something in Ian—in both of them—that wasn’t actually there.
He’d told her that life, that love, wasn’t a fairy tale, and that no matter how good sleeping together was, they weren’t going to get happily-ever-after with each other. Tatiana had always believed that she had a good grasp on fantasy versus reality, and that she’d been careful to keep a wide distance between playing a role in her work life and being true to herself when the cameras were turned off.
But was that true? Or had she just been fooling herself?
After waiting all these years to go to bed with a man, after waiting to make sure it was love and not just sex, had she simply told herself the lie she wanted to believe so that she could take what her body had craved so badly? Had she been so focused on the butterflies and the fireworks shooting through her every time Ian looked at her that she hadn’t stopped to look carefully enough at what was really going on? Had she been wrong to believe that there was more than heat and attraction and sheet-melting sex between them?
Even now, as she stripped off her coat, she could still feel the imprint of his mouth, his hands, his hard, heavy weight over her.
And even after everything he’d said, her body—and her heart—still craved him.
It was so tempting to slide under the covers of her bed, pull them up high over her head, and let the darkness of sleep temporarily shut down her brain and the ache she felt in her heart every time it pulsed in her chest.
But Tatiana couldn’t stand the thought of being that girl who hid, who cried under the covers. She might not have the answers yet to any of the questions she’d been asking herself. But how would she ever figure things out if she didn’t keep facing the situation head on?
Hoping everything would seem clearer after a shower, she was heading for the bathroom when she saw the invitation sitting on the corner of the small desk in her bedroom.
The Seattle Family Foundation event was tonight. She’d promised to go, and though she felt like a truck had run over her, there was no way she was going back on her word.
Maybe, she thought, this was exactly what she and Ian needed—to be forced to see each other again before he could retreat even further into himself. She’d picked out a dress to wear earlier in the week—black and white silk, belted at the waist and fluttery at the knees.
But that had been before.
After, though she wasn’t nearly as angry as she’d first been when he’d deliberately tried to push her away in his kitchen with his harsh words, she was still hurt. . . and just human enough that she wanted to push Ian back in some way, if only to show him that she wasn’t the only one who cared.
Flipping on the light in her walk-in closet, she scanned the clothes hanging in front of her, running through them with her fingers. They were all pretty, elegant, sexy even. But none of the dresses were exactly right.
She wanted to dazzle Ian tonight, wanted his eyes to pop out of his head and his brain to turn to mush when he saw her.
The rational part of her knew that she shouldn’t use her looks, or his attraction to her, to prove that she mattered
to him. But the hurt voices that were shouting a heck of a lot louder than the rational ones told her in no uncertain terms that she should do whatever she could to prove that she did.
Any way she could.
She pulled out a dress that a new designer had sent to her agent, asking if she’d consider wearing it. Slinky and gold, it fit her as if it had been made specifically to her measurements, but when she’d tried it on three weeks ago, she’d felt as if she were playing dress-up in a much sexier woman’s clothes.
Now, as she drew the thin, shimmering fabric over her naked curves and looked into the mirror, she finally realized why wearing the dress had never before felt right.
Three weeks ago, she hadn’t understood her own sexuality, how deep it ran, or how sweet it could be.
Now she did.
Her eyes, the glow of her skin, even the way her body moved—all of it felt new now that she’d learned about pleasure.
And—whether Ian wanted to believe in it or not—love.
Regardless of how harshly he’d reacted this morning, Tatiana knew deep in her heart that the hours they’d spent in each other’s arms had been special. Unbelievably precious and beautiful.
Carefully taking off the dress and hanging it up, she wrapped herself in a robe, then finally found her phone tucked halfway beneath a pillow on her bed. Hoping to find a hairstylist and manicurist somewhere in Seattle who would be able to squeeze her in at the last second, after typing in her password on the screen saver, she was shocked to find forty-six voice mails and text messages waiting for her. The top few that showed on her phone’s screen all said one version or other of CONGRATULATIONS with a special text from Mia saying she and Ford were hoping Tatiana would be free the following Friday night to celebrate her and Smith’s nominations with the Seattle Sullivan crew.
She couldn’t believe she’d completely forgotten about her Best Actress nomination. She hadn’t called Smith back, hadn’t called her sister, hadn’t even spoken to her agent. Instead, she’d jumped into Ian’s arms, kissed him, and forgot that anything or anyone else existed but the two of them.
As she stood raw and hurting—and utterly, totally in love with Ian Sullivan—in her bedroom, Tatiana had never felt less equipped to deal with the Hollywood circus than she did right then. But at the same time, she’d also never needed the distraction of it more.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
“Tatiana!” Joyce, the head of the foundation, looked surprised—and thrilled—to see her that evening at the entrance to the swanky downtown hotel’s grand ballroom. “Ian told us you weren’t going to be able to make it. And after we heard about your Oscar nomination, we weren’t surprised to hear you were too busy. ”
“I wouldn’t have missed this for anything. ” Not even a broken heart.
“We’re all so happy for you, and your nomination is so well deserved. I absolutely loved Gravity. My husband did, too, and he normally falls asleep in a movie unless there are a dozen car chases. I’m positive you’re going to win. ”
“Thanks for saying that,” she replied with a smile, “although just getting the nomination was such a shock that I’m thinking actually winning would be completely overwhelming. Honestly, even thinking about what I’m going to wear that night is too overwhelming, at this point. ”
Tatiana hadn’t been able to reach her sister or Smith, who were in Ireland scouting locations, and she’d guessed it was because Smith’s Best Actor nomination had made them as busy as she was. But while it felt funny not immediately sharing everything with her sister the way she always had since she was a little girl, in a way it had been a blessing.
She still wasn’t yet ready to talk to anyone about what had happened with Ian as she continued to work through her thoughts and emotions about all of it, reeling back and forth from hurt to angry to embarrassed. . . but always, throughout everything, still desperately in love. And utterly convinced that she was right to do whatever she could tonight to shake him up just a little more.