Pretty didn't even begin to cover it.
"She is," Elle agreed. "Though you usually go for tall blondes."
I didn't want to tell her that for five years my type was 'breathing' so I shrugged. "Don't really have a type, Elle."
Dad laughed completely out of the blue. The what the fuck expression was plastered across each of his kid's faces.
"What?" Carly asked.
Dad looked at me with the smuggest smile I'd ever seen. "You've gone and fallen in love with her."
Fuck sake. I had.
Chapter Thirty-Six
Tegan
After spending a lot of time locked away completing schoolwork I went to my first counselling session.
Kai's mum, Melanie, was so nice. She didn't push me to talk about something if I found one of her questions too hard, which I mostly did. The session was more of us chatting than her questioning me but I had a feeling she got a lot more information out of me than I realised.
She led me out of her office and I almost bumped into Carly and Elle. They were grinning a little too much. "So, you wanna see some embarrassing things from Kai's childhood?" Elle asked.
Like she needed to ask. "Definitely," I replied. I followed them down the hallway to what I guessed was Kai's old room. Melanie came along, too, shaking her head at her daughters.
His room was dark blue and black and pretty plain, probably because he didn't live here anymore and took most of his stuff with him. It didn't look like his house now, though. His house was light and inviting. This was so an angry teen's room.
I sat down on the bed with Carly and Elle while Melanie went to get some photo albums. I wondered what he was like when he was a teen. It would've been interesting to have known him then.
"His room sucks, right?" Carly said. "Mum won't redecorate it."
"Why not?"
"Keeps him grounded."
I frowned but had no time to ask why as Melanie came back. How could a dark room keep you grounded? It made no sense.
"Ooh, show her the space phase ones first," Elle said. Yeah, I definitely wanted to see those.
Apparently, when he was five and six he was obsessed with space, to the point where he covered objects in his room in foil and made himself a helmet. I could imagine a smaller version of him pretending he was flying a shuttle. It was so cute.
After many more stories, a lot of them involving space and astronauts, we went downstairs. Kai and his dad, Rob, were in the lounge. "Hey, spaceman," I said and sat down next to him. He shot a dark look to his mum and sisters, who didn't even try to hold back on laughing.
"I can't believe you told her!" he said, sounding annoyed but not at all surprised.
"Oh, they didn't just tell me. I saw pictures." His mouth hung open. "You look so cute in that foil hat."
"Right, we're leaving," he said, standing up and pulling me along by my wrist. Laughing as I was hauled towards the front door, I caught a glance at a picture of him on the wall. He was really young, maybe five or six and had a big toothless grin.
"Hey," he snapped, pulling me forwards again. Okay, I really loved it when he was embarrassed.
I was almost thrown into his car and for the whole way home he ignored me. Partly because I made space and astronaut jokes the entire time but he was still being a little bitch!
***
I spent the next day hanging out at home and the evening with Sophie. Friday finally rolled around and it was time for my date with Lucas. I'd spent ages getting ready, or it just took ages because I was getting ready around Netflixing another episode of Orange Is the New Black.
"Tegan," Ava shouted up the stairs. "Lucas is here."
'Bout time. He wasn't even late but I was impatient.
"Be right down," I called, grabbing my phone and ruffling my hands through the roots of my hair. He hadn't even got out of his car by the time I was downstairs. "Don't wait up," I said to Mum and walked out of the house.
"Hey, shorty," he said, walking up the path and holding his arms out for me.
I walked straight into him and curled my arms around his waist.
"Hey, yourself. So," I said, pulling back, "where are we going?"
"I'm not telling you."
Not cool.
"Why?"
"Because it's a surprise."
I smiled. "And what if it wasn't a surprise?"
"Then I could tell you, but this is so..."
Dropping my arms, I pouted. He really did need to understand that I did not enjoy surprises.
"Fine. Let's go somewhere then."
He was pretty amused as he watched me stomp to his car like a child.
"What're you doing?" he asked, shutting his door and grinning at me.
"You know, when you think about it, you're basically kidnapping me right now."
His mouth kicked up at the side and he started the car. He just looked sarcastic. "Right. Damn that consensual kidnapping."
"Have I told you I hate you recently?"
"Yes, I think that was with the last surprise."
"So, when're you going to catch on?"
Seriously, you know someone doesn't like surprises, don't surprise them!
When he stopped at the bottom of a hill I glared. "Lucas...?"
"It's not steep, there's a gradual climbing footpath to the top."
I could see the sandy path curling around the green hill. At least I wouldn't discover new muscles with this one. We walked slowly, hand in hand, looking out at everything getting that little bit smaller the higher we got. The hill was probably only four or five stories tall but it gave a great view of the cliffs and sea in the distance. Everything was pretty flat where I lived so I loved visiting Lucas.
We reached the top and I gasped. He had a small picnic basket sitting on a blue blanket and little silver lanterns lined the edge of the material. "Luke, this is amazing," I whispered. "When did you do this? How has it not been stolen?"
He laughed. "I texted Grace when we were on our way. My idea but my sister's hard work."
Wow, I didn't think Grace liked me enough to help Luke do something like that.
"If we don't see her before I go home thank her for me," I said, giving him a kiss.
"I'm glad you like it and I will. Come on, I'm starving."
Of course.
He kissed the top of my head and tugged me to the picnic. "You hungry, too?"
I wasn't really but there was no way I wasn't stuffing my face since he went through all the effort of organising this for us.
"Yes, feed me," I said, sitting down between his legs and opening the hamper.
He had chicken salad sandwiches, cocktail sausages, salt and vinegar crisps, a huge bar of Cadburys chocolate, marshmallows, jellybeans, and Oreos. Not exactly healthy but it was all some of my favourites.
"You're the best, Luke."
"Remember that for later."
I rolled my eyes and tucked into a sandwich. Like I wouldn't want sex with him.
"So, how badly are Grace and Jake teasing you for being romantic?"
"Grace not at all. My brother and dad however..."
"Didn't you say your dad proposed to your mum in rose petals?" He'd briefly told me that when we were first talking and trying the friends only thing.
"Yeah, but he's a fucking hypocrite."
I laughed and leant back against his chest. "How is your dad?" I knew that although he was doing okay he was finding it hard to relax and that was understandable, his body could reject my dad's heart at any moment.
"He's alright. His blood pressure is slightly high because of the medication he's on but the doctor is monitoring it."
I wasn't sure what upset me the most, that my dad didn't have his heart anymore or that it could fail, be cut out and thrown away like trash.
I wasn't sure what to say so I just said, "I hope it settles down soon." I honestly did hope that his blood pressure improved because I wanted him to live a long life just like Dad should have.
We ate until
we were feeling ill and talked for well over two hours. I felt lighter than I had in a long time but I also couldn't kid myself that it wasn't because I still had so many things safely locked away. I wasn't sure if I was getting better at dealing with everything or getting better at ignoring it.
"Tegan..."
"Go on," I said, looking up over my shoulder.
"You'll call me if you ever need anything, won't you? I don't care where I am or what I'm doing, you're more important to me than work."
Okay, that was sweet and totally unexpected. "Yeah, of course." He pressed his lips to the top of my head.
"Good. Now, can I talk to you about something without you getting mad at me?"
I guess we'll find out in a minute. "Yeah."
I felt his chest expand as he took a deep breath. "When you were drunk, why did you ask for Kai?"
I turned on my side to face him. His eyes were tense. "I didn't really think about it, but Kai knows what to do when I'm like that. He always has, so I always ask for him. I don't want to. I hate that I do it and that I ruin his night all the time. I want to not be like this, Luke, but I don't know how to."
"Kai's mum helped?"
I nodded and he smiled.
"Well, I'm proud of you for getting help." I didn't, not really. It was kind of thrust upon me, not that I wasn't grateful or didn't understand that I needed something. "Next time you feel like drinking maybe you should call me instead, though?"
"Yeah." I agreed even though I wasn't sure if I could. When I was out of it I didn't consciously decide who I wanted. I just called the person I knew could help the most. He opened his mouth to say something else but quickly closed it again. "What?"
"Nothing." He bent his head and kissed me.
"Tell me. Please."
He sighed and took my hand, playing with my fingers. "About Kai." He paused for a second to study my face. I nodded for him to continue, even though I was getting bored of Kai-talk from everyone that had an opinion on my friendship with him. "I know you're friends but it bothers me how close you are." He winced. "Look, I know I have no right and I would never ask you to change your relationship with him but I just wanted to be honest and say that I don't like it."
His not liking it wasn't a surprise but I'd made myself clear that I was friends - nothing more - with Kai and no one was going to tell me what I could or couldn't do.
"Luke." I stopped talking when I realised I actually had no idea how to handle it. "Okay. Me and Kai are friends, he means a lot to me and he's been there for me so many times. He understands because he lost his brother and handled Isaac's death as well as I'm handling my dad's. I want to be with you, but I won't change my relationship with him. Maybe that's really selfish, I don't know, but other people have a boyfriend as well as friends of the same sex, so I don't see why it should be different for me. What happened with him is in the past and I would never cheat on you."
He nodded slowly, frowning as he thought about what I'd said. "Okay. I can accept that. I do trust you, Tegan, I guess I just needed a little reassurance."
"I don't mind reassuring you if it's what you need to hear and help you to keep on trusting me. Kai's really been there for me."
"I know and I'm glad he has."
"Are you cool now? Can we get back to our date?" He didn't reply, instead he laid me down and kissed me until I felt dizzy.
Just after midnight Luke took me back to mine because the temperature had dropped and we were both getting tired. He gave me a long, deep kiss before leaving me to go back home.
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Tegan
After Friday night I spent most of Saturday with Lucas, too, and it was the perfect weekend. He was so sweet, like going to give me a cavity sweet, but it was nice to just be able to relax without drama. I could feel things getting scary serious fast but he made me feel something close to happy so I didn't want to put the breaks on.
Lucas squeezed my hand as we stopped in front of Dad's grave. All I felt was a cold emptiness that reflected my life right now.
"Hey, you okay?" he said, running his thumb over my lip. It was only then that I felt the sting as I'd been biting it.
I released my lip and smiled up at him. "It's okay."
"Do you want to say anything?" he asked.
No. I definitely didn't. Well, I wanted to be able to. That was the normal thing to do, right? But the thought of talking to a lump of rock above his cold body made my stomach turn and I didn't want to open the emotion gate and let it all flood through.
"No, I can't."
Kai said I would know what he'd say back to me but I still wasn't ready for silence after I finished speaking.
"Do you want me to?"
Frowning, I said, "Okay."
He didn't know my dad, what could he have to say to him?
"Hi, Simon. You've probably been watching pretty closely so I just want to start by assuring you I won't hurt her. I know the situation isn't exactly the norm but that doesn't mean we can't make it work."
He was answering questions he thought other people would have for us or be saying about us.
"I bet you've been worried about her, but I promise you we're all here for her, Alison and Ava. Nothing will happen to any of them while we're around. I can't thank you enough for what you did for my dad."
Fuck. My blood ran cold.
"Things were bad, really bad. He was only just healthy enough to have surgery, any more time and he would've been too weak to even take the anaesthetic."
I knew it was bad but I didn't know Carl was that ill.
"The day we got the call we were overwhelmed with relief and worry. It wasn't until I met Tegan at the hospital that I realised what my dad's second chance at life cost another family."
I wanted him to stop but I couldn't move.
"I wish it could've been another way. I wish I could have met you and had you interrogate me face to face. I wish the girl I love wasn't so lost. But she's getting better, going to school." I wanted to correct him; it was sixth form. What a fucking stupid thing to want with everything else he'd just said.
"I'm so proud of her and I know you are, too. I won't let her down, Simon, I swear. You gave my dad, my whole family, a chance to be happy and a reason to carry on. I'll do the same for your daughter."
Was that what this was? Was Lucas with me out of guilt?
I took a step back and pulled my hand from his.
"What?" he said, turning around. "Hey, no, that came out wrong. I'm not here because I feel I owe it to Simon. There is nothing I could ever do that would set us straight. I'll do whatever I have to make you happy again because I love you, Tegan. That's all there is to it."
I wasn't sure if I believed him or not.
"Okay," I said. "Can we go now? Kai'll be picking me up soon." I'd never needed to get away from Lucas so much. My head was spinning. I wanted to believe him, he had no reason to lie, not really. But my level of self-respect and self-worth was at an all-time low and I knew I wasn't the best person in the world so I couldn't understand why he'd want me.
He hesitated but then replied, "Sure."
Back home Lucas watched me like he was trying to figure out some hard maths problem. Or he was trying to figure out me, which could quite possibly be more fucking frustrating. I hoped he figured it out because I would love to know, too.
I never usually wished my time with Luke away but I was now and when Bruno Mars blasted through my phone I couldn't answer it quick enough. "Hey, Kai."
"Hey, where are you?"
I gasped. "Are you early?"
He laughed humourlessly. "Where are you?"
"You sounded like such a stalker then," I said, laughing.
"Maybe I am. Look out your window."
I rolled my eyes but sneaked a look out of the corner of my eye. Of course he wasn't outside my window, he couldn't bloody levitate. "Anyway, are you at mine?"
"Yeah."
"Outside?"
"Yeah."
"My
mum and Ava there?"
"Uh huh."
I laughed. "Awkward?"
"Maybe," he replied.
"Want me to hurry up?
"That would be great."
They were better with Kai after he'd looked after me when I was wasted but it was still a little awkward. Ava thought it was inappropriate that I was still friends with him, and I thought she was a twat.
"Cool. I'll be there in a bit, have fun."
"Thanks, princess," he replied sarcastically.
"Why does he call you princess?" Lucas asked. Oh, good, he was listening in.
"Apparently I was acting like a diva."
"Oh," he replied. I wasn't sure if he assumed Kai called me princess because he thought I was one, in the good sense. That could add to his dislike of him. It really wasn't in the good sense, though. Kai thought I was being a brat. I probably was.
We walked downstairs and I saw them standing in the front garden. "Does he not get on with Alison and Ava?" Lucas asked.
"They get on okay but they're not entirely happy because he's older, which is just stupid." He nodded tightly. There wasn't that much he could say because he was just over a year younger than Kai.
"Hey," Kai said, smiling in relief as I stepped outside. "Lucas," he added.
"Kai," Luke said with no enthusiasm whatsoever.
Oh, this is fun. I was just going to ignore it. There was no way I was picking sides.
"Hey, spaceman-" Kai held his hand up and raised one pitch-black brow warningly.
"Ready to go?" he asked and I nodded.
"Have a nice time, sweetheart, and be safe," Mum said.
Kai waited in the car while I said goodbye to Lucas, he kissed me longer than usual and then got in his car to drive back home.
Kai was smirking at me when I got in his car. "So, you gonna let me drive?" I asked.
"Yeah, sure." I stared at him for a second. Did he just say yes? "Just show me your driving licence and we'll switch places," he said. "See, you're still a baby."
I laughed with no humour. "I hope that makes you feel like a dirty old man."
His eyes narrowed and I sat back in the seat, smiling to myself and feeling very smug. "I'm not that old, thank you, and as I remember I met you in a club. You have to be eighteen to get into a club, so technically, jailbait, I should be pissed off with you." He tried to keep a straight face but I could see him struggle.
I knew in about five minutes time I'd have the perfect comeback but right now I had nothing. "You know you suck, right?"