My phone rang on the way, Bruno Mars told me it was Kai calling. "Hey," I said into the speaker.
"Morning," he said.
"So, what time did you leave last night?"
"Just after you fell asleep. I just wanted to call and wish you luck for today, not that you'll need it."
"Thank you. I need to go now though, I'm just coming up to the gates."
"Okay, and the offer's still there, you know, if you need a ride just call me."
"Thanks, but I'll be okay, I'll call you later."
"Bye, princess."
"Bye."
I stopped dead as I spotted Lucas's car parked between two others. What the...?
He got out as I approached and leant against the door. "Hey, babe."
"What're you doing here? Not that I'm not happy to see you." I walked straight into his arms and held on tight. All the worrying evaporated as he held me.
"I wanted to come and wish you good luck in person. I knew you'd be freaking out."
"Thank you."
His lips sealed over mine and he kissed me softly for a long time. It was completely inappropriate and I hoped no one was watching but I didn't really care that much. He was here and that was all that mattered.
I pulled away when he tried deepening the kiss. I actually needed to go into school, like five minutes ago. "I'm running late, I have to go."
"I know. Have a good day."
"Thanks. God, I can't believe you came all this way just to wish me luck."
"Call me when you can and I'll see you tonight." He released me and I waved over my shoulder, walking towards my group of friends who were waiting by the door to the sixth form building. They looked very interested in what they'd just witnessed.
I took a deep breath. Well, at least Lucas would be a good icebreaker.
It was awkward as hell. Seeing me with my boyfriend wore off quickly and we were back to having nothing to say. Josie, Lauren, Lance and Billy stared at me. I wanted lessons to start already because these people were supposed to be my friends. We had ten minutes and I was counting down the seconds.
"How're you doing?" Valarie asked, dropping down in the seat next to me. Valarie was in everyone's business all the time. Her follower, Alsa, sat the other side.
"Fine," I replied tightly.
"We're so sorry about your dad."
My throat closed.
"We all are," Lauren added. "I don't know what I'd do if I lost my dad, you're so strong."
I wasn't and I felt myself dip under the water.
Josie, a girl I thought who would help me, said, "If there's anything we can do..."
"Have you thought about planting a tree? We did that for my grandad," Valarie said.
I wanted to run. The room felt tiny, I felt tiny. Everyone looked at me, waiting to see if they'd helped. They meant well but it wasn't helping. I didn't want to talk about it.
"Um, I'll think about it," I replied, wrapping my arms around my stomach, holding myself together.
"Tell us if there's anything, hun. I know what you're going through," Alsa said.
Closing my eyes, I tried to block them out. It was painful. Their words felt like burns on my skin. They were constant reminders of how much I'd lost and it hurt so much it took my breath away.
"Tegan, you okay?" Josie asked. "Shall I get someone?"
I wanted to ask for my dad.
Opening my eyes, I stood up and replied, "No, I'm fine, just need the bathroom." I rushed to the ladies and closed myself in the closest stall. No one was in here, thankfully. Leaning back against the graffiti wall, I slumped to the floor.
I'm okay, I chanted over and over, trying to convince myself. My heart ached. Why my dad? He'd never done anything bad in his life. He was a good person and now he was gone and I was drowning. The day had started well but I just wanted to run now. I wasn't sure if I could do this and I didn't just mean school.
Chapter Forty
Lucas
I sat in the lounge watching football with dad and Jake. My life had recently revolved around Tegan and worrying about her. I felt like I'd turned into a shit son. Dad was still a priority and I spent a lot of time stressing over how he was doing and what could happen but I felt like I hadn't been around for him as much as I should.
I hated that she'd had a shit week at sixth form. We all came straight back a weekend early to support them all. Alison, Ava and Tegan were so important to us so there was no question that we were packing up and coming early.
Alison was upset that Tegan was having a hard time settling back in. Apparently, she came home every day in a worse mood than usual. I'd noticed a difference, too. Her phone calls were shorter and she was distant.
Watching the game with Dad and Jake used to be something I looked forward to but all I wanted was to be upstairs with her. But I didn't go up, she needed space, I needed space and I wanted to show Dad that I was there for him. Of course whenever I apologised to him he told me to shut up. He just wanted things to go back to normal when we'd do our own thing. Things couldn't be normal, though.
"Luke, focus," Jake said, nudging me in my ribs with his elbow. I turned my attention back to the television and tried to watch the game.
"Fuck off, Jake."
"Easy," Dad said. "You wanted to relax, Lucas, so do it. If you'd rather be with Tegan then go up there, neither of us are going to hold it against you."
Jake grinned. "We'll take the piss, you loved up mug, but we won't be arseholes about it."
"Oh, good," I replied sarcastically. "I'll check on her at half time."
Mum, Grace, Alison and Ava sat in the conservatory, occasionally looking in our direction through the window so we knew what they were talking about. I wondered if Grace shared her reservations about me and Tegan with anyone else.
She didn't really want us to be together until Tegan got herself straight. The more she said it to me the more I worried that she was right. I didn't want to be the reason she wasn't moving forwards. We'd got together quickly and things were serious straight away but I thought I could help her. I wasn't convinced I was helping anymore.
The game stopped for half time and I went upstairs to find her and see how she was doing. No matter how much she pretended she was okay everyone knew the truth. Tegan was struggling and struggling much more than we probably assumed. At this point I had no idea what to do for the best.
She wasn't in her bedroom but the covers looked like she'd been in bed.
"Tegan?" I called out, getting no reply. We'd have seen her if she'd come downstairs. I left her room and headed to the bathroom. The door was ajar.
I saw the blood first and as I pushed the door open I saw my girlfriend lying on the floor. Every muscle in my body locked up.
Her eyes were closed, red and puffy. Her face was stained with tears. The small pool of blood came from a gash on her wrist, the razor blade discarded next to her pale, lifeless body.
"Tegan!" I shouted, snapping back to life. Fuck, no. I dropped beside her and with shaking hands, shook her shoulders. "Tegan, wake up, talk to me. Baby, no, come on, get up."
She was clammy and cold. "Help!" I bellowed in the direction of the door. Pressing my forehead to hers, I pleaded, "Wake up. Please, don't do this to me."
I fought the urge to chuck up. The smell of her blood burned the back of my throat.
I felt the same level of fear as I did when Dad went in for the transplant and I wasn't sure if I'd see him alive again. It took me right back there to a place of pure terror and the feeling of having absolutely no control.
Alison screamed her daughter's name and on dropped the other side of her. Someone, I wasn't sure who, was already on the phone, snapping that they needed the ambulance service.
I hadn't cried since Dad's diagnosis but I couldn't hold off now. "Wake up, please. Tegan, please, I love you, wake up." There was a small bottle of pills beside her. I picked it up and launched them against the wall. What the fuck was she thinking?
"You're okay,
you're okay, you're okay," Alison chanted, lifting Tegan's head on her lap and stroking her hair. "Everything's fine, you're okay."
Ava hugged her mum from behind, sobbing into her back. "It's alright, Ava, she's fine. I can't lose her, too. She's okay. My baby will be okay."
Only she wasn't fine. Her chest rose and fell but it looked weak.
Please.
Time stood still as we waited for someone to come and help her. I didn't know what to do. Jake had a towel to her wrist but beyond that we were clueless. I was too stunned to even think straight.
Then we heard sirens and all sat up. I'd never been so happy to see anyone as I was when Grace showed two paramedics into the room. We were told to step out of the room and give them space to work. Alison stayed beneath Tegan, telling the paramedics that she would be okay and Jake took over giving them helpful information.
And me, well, I stood by the door, watching in horror as the girl I loved lay limp on the floor. Mum and Grace both hugged me. They both whispered comforting words. I didn't feel anything other than panic and despair. I wanted to believe Alison but I knew she was just saying what she needed to believe.
Tegan was picked up and whisked out to the ambulance that Alison got in the back of. I followed and watched them drive away. It didn't feel real. All I wanted to do was to wake up.
"Lucas," Jake said, slapping my back. He frowned at me like I'd lost it. "Come on, we gotta go. I'll drive you."
I had no idea how we got to the hospital or the waiting room but we were sitting around in a cheery blue room, waiting for news. Alison was still convinced Tegan was okay. Watching her pain over her daughter was unbearable. But then so was what I was feeling.
When we arrived she was being worked on and I couldn't see her. I just wanted to know what was going on but the nurse didn't have minute updates.
Sitting on a chair since I arrived, I'd been staring off into space. I couldn't lose her. She was only seventeen fucking years old. Tegan had to be okay because there were so many people in her life that needed her to be. She had to get better - physically and mentally - and live the long, happy life she deserved.
I should've done more. Blowing out a deep and painful breath, I ran my hands through my hair.
"Lucas?" Jake shook my arm. "Hey, come on, Luke. She'll be fine."
"Jake, if she dies, I can't..."
"Can't what?" he asked cautiously.
"I don't know." I wouldn't do what she did, not ever, but I knew that if she died a piece of me would, too. She lost so much when Simon was killed. I was supposed to make it better. I needed her to get through this so I could do that.
"Mrs Pennells?" a doctor said as he walked into the room.
I was on my feet along with everyone else.
"We've pumped Tegan's stomach and we're now giving her some oxygen. She's awake but drowsy. We thought she'd need stitches in her wrist but fortunately the bleeding has stopped so we should get away with just bandaging it. However, if the cut opens and bleeds again she may need to have them. I'll ask that only immediate family come through to see her now."
That was all I needed to hear. My tense muscles relaxed a little.
Alison burst into tears. "She's okay. Oh, thank God."
The doctor nodded. "We're referring her for counselling and she'll need to stay in for a day or two, we'll see how she is tomorrow."
"When will she start counselling?" Ava asked.
"We'll arrange for her to see someone here, her name's Judy Cross and she's incredible. Judy will assess Tegan and then arrange for her to see someone local to you."
"She's seeing someone once a week now," Alison said.
He nodded. "Okay, well, perhaps she needs more frequent session but you can discuss that with Judy."
"Yeah, okay," Alison said. "Can I see her now?"
"Of course, Mrs Pennells."
"Can I come? Please," I asked. I'd get down on my knees and beg if I had to.
"Please?" Alison added. "Tegan would want him there."
"Okay, but you can't stay long."
"I just need to see that she's alright."
"This is her room, I'll be back in a while to check on her," he said as he gestured down the hall.
She was lying on the bed, staring at the ceiling. Fresh tears stained her face. She'd never looked so lost or so down before. I wanted to run away as much as I wanted to stay. Being with her was hard but at this point I couldn't imagine not being with her. It hadn't been long but I felt so connected to her.
I walked over and stroked her cheek. "Hey, shorty," I said. My heart squeezed seeing her lying on that bed. She blinked heavily and looked a little dazed. The oxygen mask was lying around her neck and there was a bandage on her wrist.
"Hey," she said weakly, not looking from the same spot on ceiling. She was so pale that she looked ill, like she had the flu. But she was here.
"Honey. What...?" Alison asked, trailing off. I don't think she could finish the sentence. A tear rolled down Tegan's cheek. I gently brushed it away with my thumb and kissed her forehead.
"I'm sorry," Tegan whispered. She rolled onto her side, curled up as small as she could, buried her head in the pillow and cried.
I knew time was a healer but I didn't feel like we had much time. She needed months, years, but she was hanging on by a thread.
"It's okay now," I said, stroking her hair. "I love you, you're going to be alright. I promise, Tegan, you'll be fine."
She cried until she choked. That made her calm herself down. The whole time she ignored that we were there and when she was done she stayed in her protective ball and stared into space.
There were so many questions we had for her but neither I nor Alison and Ava had a clue how to handle this Tegan. Not that we had a clue to handle her how she was either.
"Honey, I need you to talk to me," Alison said. "I have to hear you tell me you'll never do anything like that again."
Squeezing her eyes closed, she replied, "I won't. I'm tired. Please let me sleep."
Alison and Ava frowned at each other but I got it. She couldn't look at us, couldn't talk to us. She was ashamed and regretful. Thank fuck for that, I finally felt like she had a chance at coming back from whatever dark place she was in.
"Sleep then, baby," I said, kissing the top of her head. She'd be fine. But I wasn't sure if we would be.
Chapter Forty-One
Kai
Tegan didn't answer so I slipped my phone back in my pocket and concentrated on the conversation my parents, sisters and grandparents were having. Nan had fallen over again last week and sprained her ankle. I lost count of how many times we'd told the stubborn woman to stop using the bloody stepladder.
She was taking a while to heal and if there was one thing Nan hated it was feeling useless. We were over to try to take her mind off of it, at my expense since Tegan had just been mentioned for the ten millionth time in three short hours.
"So, tell me more about this girl," Nan said. I glared at Mum and she looked away quickly. She wasn't supposed to tell the nosy old woman anything about Tegan because I knew this would happen but she just couldn't help it.
I sighed. "She's just a friend." I had to force the word out. That was all she wanted from me though, so it was tough luck, Kai.
"Really honey? Your mum said you're in love with her."
"I'm going to make some tea," Mum said, jumping up and making a quick exit. Why the fuck would she tell Nan something like that and how fucking obvious was it?
"You love her?" Nan asked.
"Yeah, it's so painfully obvious," Elle said. Oh, good, that obvious. Groaning, I shoved my hands through my hair. "Don't worry, she clearly still thinks you're cool with being friends. See, Nan, Tegan has a boyfriend but it's complicated. Kai's in love with her and they're so great together. She just hasn't realised how she feels about him yet." I didn't even need to be here.
Nan raised her eyebrows at me. "You should just kiss her."
I laughed. Yeah, that'd go do
wn well.
"Thanks for the advice, Nan, but I think I'll wait."
"Just what every girl wants, a guy that waits," she said sarcastically. "Whatever happened to fighting for what you want? That's what you should do, honey, go and tell her how you feel."
My phone rang. Alison? Why was she calling me? "Hello," I said.
"Kai." My heart stopped beating when I heard her sobbing. Tegan. Fuck.
"What?" I whispered, trying to stop the churning in the pit of my stomach.
"She's in the hospital," she said. It sounded like she was shaking. I froze. How bad was it? "She swallowed some tab...tablets." I felt like the floor had been whipped away. She tried to kill herself. "Kai? Are you there?"
"I'm on my way." I hung up the phone and pulled my keys out of my pocket, running out of the house without pausing to explain what'd happened. Nothing else mattered but getting to her.
"Kai! Kai!" Dad grabbed my arm just as I was about to get in the car. "Stop a second. What's going on?"
"Tegan. I have to go, Dad," I said, shaking his hand off. "She's in hospital. I gotta go." I suddenly felt like throwing my guts up. She fucking tried to end her own life. How the hell could I not have noticed her sinking that low? I'd been there for fuck sake.
"I'm driving," Dad said, snatching the keys from my clenched fist. I nodded and ran around to the other side of the car.
I stared out the window as Dad drove as fast as he could towards the hospital. It would be a couple hours before I got to her. Anything could happen in that time. I didn't know how bad the situation was and I was too scared to call. If it was the worst then at the very least I'd have another two hours of thinking she was still breathing.
For the first time since I found out Isaac had leukaemia, I prayed. I wasn't sure what I was praying to. Anything or anyone that could do something.
"What happened, Kai?" Dad asked after twenty-five minutes of listening to me tap my fingers on the leather seat.
"She tried to..." Fuck. "Kill herself." God that wasn't easy to say out loud. I squeezed my eyes shut and clenched my jaw. Dad said nothing. "I don't know how she is," I said.
Jesus, I needed to know. It couldn't wait. Fuck ignorance or whatever, I found the number for the hospital and dialled.
I was put through to two different people before someone could help. "Tegan Pennells," I said. "She was brought in a little while ago. I need to know how she is?" I was put through to a ward and felt myself lose patience every time I had to wait to know if the girl that had stole my heart had crushed it completely. When a nurse picked up I relayed the same message.