Kat’s lips parted but she said nothing.
“No one forced her to be there. She was paid a lot of money to gain my trust. I was the one who told her we had a weakness for females and children. That’s why they sent us into that camp. The information she gained from me put us there so they could see how far we could be pushed to discover our limits. I got my brothers killed because I trusted the wrong person. I have to live with that.”
“Darkness.” Tears shone in her eyes.
He shook his head. “Don’t. I don’t want your pity. I’m telling you this because I swore to never allow another female to get close to me. I refused to mount any females they brought to my cell after I was taken back to Mercile. I’d think of my brothers and couldn’t even get hard. My weakness for sex with the female got them killed. Mercile believed I was emotionally damaged so they stopped bringing females to me for breeding experiments. I’ve turned down every female who offered to share sex since we were freed. Don’t ever accuse me of not wanting you, Kat. You’re the first temptation I couldn’t refuse.”
Her hands slid down his arms, caressing him. “I’m so sorry.”
“I am damaged. You’re leaving Homeland today but go knowing that truth. I didn’t touch you as a way to gain your trust or use what we’ve shared as a tool to deceive you. I did it because I couldn’t fight the attraction I feel. I took control of the camera feeds because I didn’t want anyone else watching you. You fascinate me.”
“You just expect me to leave after that?” She shook her head. “No way.”
He clenched his teeth. “Darwin Havings believed the female was a loose end. You know what those are. No one associated with that mess wanted her walking free to tell anyone about what had gone on in that camp. Never let it be said that cruel humans don’t have a twisted sense of justice. They thought it was fitting to let me be the one to kill her after giving her the impression that she’d been brought to me so she could watch me die. She took real pleasure in telling me how stupid I’d been to ever trust her and how disappointing it had been that she hadn’t gotten to watch my brothers die as well. She said she should get an award for acting since fucking me had been revolting. You should have seen her face when the guards left her there alone with me. I killed her, Kat.”
“I probably would have done the same in your place.”
He saw no censure in her eyes and she didn’t withdraw her touch. “I appreciate that but we both know it was wrong. I should have let the guards kill her. They were getting paid to follow orders. I did it for revenge.”
“It was a difficult situation after what she’d just said to you. You reacted in the heat of the moment, caused by the pain you suffered from the senseless murders of your brothers. I think you’re being too hard on yourself.”
“It’s who I am. It’s what keeps me going and I can’t change. I gave you all I had to give, Kat. This has to end. I can’t get attached to you.”
“I wouldn’t mind.”
“I would.” He looked miserable. “I was jealous today. I wanted to rip out Jinx’s throat. It wasn’t a good feeling and I never want to experience it again. I like being numb. I never want to hurt again. You could do that to me if I don’t stop it now. It’s a risk I just can’t take. I warned you that I’m damaged. That wasn’t a lie either.”
She surprised him by wrapping her arms around his neck and burying her face against his shoulder. “Thank you for that, Darkness.”
He relaxed, lowering some of his weight, and closed his eyes. He wished the moment could last but he only allowed it briefly. He climbed off her.
“You shouldn’t return home in a towel. I’ll get some clothes.”
“I don’t have to leave. I still have classes to teach but I would insist on the cameras being removed from my cottage.”
He refused to look at her. “I know you’re FBI, Kat. So does the NSO. You shared information you shouldn’t have with me so this is me returning the trust. I’d be in trouble if they knew I told you that. They wanted to figure out why you came by allowing you to keep up the charade. This thing between us ends today. Don’t stay for me because I won’t see you again after you leave this house. Go home before you do something that could get you in trouble with the NSO. I don’t want to see you hurt. I’ll be right back.”
He bent, picked up her wet towel and walked down the hallway. He hung it in the bathroom before retrieving a shirt and shorts from his dresser. When he returned to the living room Kat wasn’t there. She’d left. He cursed. He didn’t place the call to Security. He’d leave it up to Kat if she wanted to stay or go but he’d keep his word. He’d avoid her. It was for the best.
Chapter Twelve
Kat exited the gates, ignoring the jerks calling out to her from the sidelines. Her mood was foul enough that she was grateful not to have her sidearm. She might have been tempted to shoot a protestor in the mouth. The cab waited across the street. She just dumped her suitcase on the backseat and climbed in after it. She rambled off the name of the car rental company. The driver nodded and pulled away from the curb.
The NSO had known all along. That fact shouldn’t have surprised her. Darkness had dropped enough hints. A lot of unanswered questions remained. Did they know her real name? Did Mason know her cover had been blown? If so, he’d be in a rage. She put on her seatbelt and closed her eyes.
It was procedure to file a report. Mason would chew her ass up one side and down the other when she faced him. She just didn’t want to deal with it. The short ride ended and she paid the driver. It only took a few minutes for her to retrieve her car from the parking lot where she’d left it.
She’d always followed rules. It was something she believed in. Life was messy but her job made sense of some of the chaos. She’d joined the agency to make a difference. To help put evil shits away and make the world a safer place. She felt as if Mason had placed her in the bad-guy category. The NSO had been victimized enough.
Darkness haunted her as she drove. Her guts felt as if they’d been ripped out. She believed what he’d told her. No sympathy rose for the bitch he’d killed. He might feel torn about it but it was cut-and-dried to her. That the woman had gotten close to him, yet hurt him that way, angered her. It just cemented her belief that purely evil people existed in the world—one less, thanks to Darkness. She grieved the loss of his brothers too, hurt for him.
“Damn.” She sighed, gripping the wheel tightly. “I’m all fucked up.”
Nothing made sense anymore. She just wanted to go home and lick her wounds. She took in her surroundings, realizing she drove aimlessly. It only took her a few minutes to establish where she was and get on the freeway. That’s exactly where she’d go. Home.
It might be hours or days before Mason figured out she wasn’t at Homeland anymore. She hadn’t seen any of the three agents she’d recognized when she left though he might have other surveillance on the gates. She glanced in her rearview mirror, hunting for a tail. Her car could be tagged with a tracker too. She debated whether she should ditch it and get another rental but dismissed the idea. If Mason wanted her found, he’d do it. She didn’t have enough cash to stay in a motel. Her identification and credit cards could be flagged.
She pulled off the road to grab some food at a drive-thru. It didn’t help her upset stomach. The cause of that was knowing she’d never see Darkness again. He’d gotten under her skin in a big way. She’d always smirked when hearing one of her friends say that they’d fallen fast and hard for some man. That had never been her experience.
She’d loved before but her pride had always come first. It was a consequence of her childhood. The first step of acceptance was understanding the problem. Her parents had divorced when she had been eight, each marrying much younger spouses for their second marriages. Her mother had ended up with a serial cheater whom she’d made excuses for. It had disgusted Kat. Her father’s wife had him by the balls too. She’d sworn that no one would ever make a fool of her and she’d walked away from any man who did
n’t conform to her ideal version of a boyfriend.
Darkness wasn’t anything like someone she’d marry or want to spend her life with. He fell into all the “hell no” categories. He wouldn’t support her career. Living with him at Homeland wouldn’t fly. He couldn’t leave the NSO to live in her world. He wasn’t emotionally available.
“Understatement,” she muttered.
There would be no playful shower moments in a future with him. No sleeping in on her days off, cuddled up against him. That would mean he’d actually have to let her get that close. A bitter laugh rose and she choked on it. Darkness wouldn’t even let her touch him during sex. He always restrained her. He could be the poster guy for control issues. She had a lot of them herself.
They just made a horrible match. It didn’t diminish the pain she felt. That ache in her chest and the tears gathering in her eyes pretty much were a reality bitch-slap. She’d fallen in love with him.
She blinked hard at the sight of her house when she pulled into the driveway, fighting the urge to cry. It wasn’t something she did much. Seeing Missy’s car helped her pull her emotions together. She turned off the engine, grabbed her suitcase and got out.
“You home?” Kat hollered when she entered the house. She dropped her suitcase inside the door and kicked it closed.
“You better be a hot handyman or my best friend,” Missy called out from upstairs. “I have a gun.”
“Don’t shoot your imaginary weapon at me.”
Missy rushed down the stairs. “I missed you.”
They hugged and Missy leaned back, giving her a once-over. “You look like shit.”
“Thanks. Your hair in a ponytail and paint smears on your sleeves isn’t your best look either.”
Her best friend grinned. “Someone abandoned me so I’ve been painting the spare room by myself. I’m lucky some of it ended up on the walls and at least I brushed my hair. You look like you hid from a brush.”
“It’s a long story.”
“The kind you can’t tell me? Just tell me you’re not bruised to hell and back under those clothes. No bullet holes or anything, right?”
“I’m good.”
“Boring kind of stuff, huh?”
“I wouldn’t say that.”
“Can you tell me anything?”
She shook her head. “You know how it goes.”
“But you’re good?”
Kat shrugged.
Missy inched closer. “You look sad.”
“I am.”
“I hate your job. Have I mentioned that before?”
“Constantly.”
“Can we play twenty questions?”
“No.”
“I had to ask. Are you hungry?”
“I stopped for a burger already.”
“That’s good since I ate the last of the pizza in the fridge. I didn’t thaw anything out. I had no clue when you were coming home. Are you staying or did you just stop in to get a new set of clothes?”
“I’m technically still on assignment but I don’t plan to leave the house any time soon.” Kat glanced around the living room. “I like the bookshelf you put up.”
“Thanks.” Missy grinned. “I would take the credit but it was actually my brother-in-law. I couldn’t make sense of the directions and Angela stopped by. He looked bored hearing us gossip so I did the sisterly thing by putting him to work.”
“Good job.”
“He was a grumpy ass about it but Angela told him to stick a sock in it.” She bent and grabbed Kat’s suitcase. “Come on. We’ll unpack you. You don’t have anything secret in here I can’t see, do you?”
“Nope. Just dirty laundry.”
“You unpack then. I’ll watch. I am so glad you’re home.”
“Where’s Butch?”
“The groomers. They are dropping him off in an hour. The pooch missed you but he’s going to be pissed when he gets home. He’s getting the summer cut and you know how sulky he is when we put him through that trauma. He takes it so personally.”
Kat was glad to be home. It put back a sense of normalcy that she desperately needed in her life at the moment. She followed Missy upstairs and they turned right, moving down the hallway toward the bedrooms. A small sound stopped her. Missy turned.
“Oh. I forgot. I’m babysitting for George from across the street.”
Kat backed up to locate the source and looked into Missy’s bedroom. A small gray kitten with a yarn ball lay on the bed. It peered back at her. The cat’s eyes reminded her of Darkness, despite their blue color.
“Butch loves Gus. That’s the kitten’s name. He’s ten weeks old. Isn’t he cute as hell? He’s a nightmare on the curtains but they were ugly anyway. I put the litter box in my bathroom so no worries. I’ve kept your bedroom door closed, not that he leaves my room. He’s kind of a chicken for being a cat. George’s mom got sick and he couldn’t leave Gus alone.”
“It’s okay.”
“You’re as white as a sheet. Don’t tell me cats scare you. I know you’re not allergic.”
“I just didn’t expect it.” She forced a smile. “He’s cute.”
“I’m glad you think so. I plan to keep him. George kind of got stuck with him and wanted to find him a home. Butch adores Gus and I think he’d be heartbroken if he leaves.” Missy batted her eyelashes. “May I keep him?”
“I don’t mind. It’s your house too.”
“I knew we were best buds for a reason. You’re home, Gus!” Missy opened Kat’s door and dropped the suitcase by the closet. “Does that mean you’ll clean the litter box too?”
“Don’t push it. Your kitten, your shit.”
“I can deal with that. Just don’t bitch at me if he attacks your curtains too. We really should burn them. I think he hates flower prints, which I can’t fault him for.”
Kat glanced at her window. The curtains had come with the house. “No problem. It wouldn’t be a big loss, would it?”
“Do you ever think we should feel ashamed? I mean, how long have we lived here? We still have boxes we haven’t unpacked in the garage. You’re gone more than you’re here and my nose is usually shoved in front of my computer screen. I should just put a bed in the downstairs office since I practically live in there. We’re workaholics who are too damn lazy to fix up our house. I figure, at this rate, we might do something nice to it within twenty years or so. I was only motivated to paint the guest room because my mom threatened to visit. You know she’d bitch if we stick her in a lime-green room.”
Kat kicked off her shoes and sat on the bed. “We suck.”
Missy sat down next to her. “You aren’t okay. You didn’t even flinch when I mentioned my mother. She drives you nuts.”
Kat shook her head. “Nope. I’m not.”
“Is it a chocolate kind of day or should I break out that bottle of vodka we were given at Christmas? How bad is it?”
“I don’t even think both would help.”
“Damn.” Missy chewed on her bottom lip. “Did you shoot that asshole of a boss of yours? Should I bake cookies for the SWAT team that might come after you? It might distract them while you escape out the back.”
“He’s alive and well. I think. I’m avoiding him.”
“Did you tell him you aren’t a set of tits? I even want to punch him. I can’t believe he thought we were getting it on. No offense but when I do get laid, he has to have a dick and actually be a guy. Your boss is a shitty agent if he didn’t discover I write under a pen name after digging into our lives. My stories are about having hot sex with men. That would have been a clue, even for that moron.”
“How goes the writing?”
“Good. I turned in my latest book and started a new one. It’s about a hunky cat shifter. Blame Gus. I am. He’s so damn cute.”
Kat fell back and closed her eyes. “Stop.”
“You like hearing about my stories. He’s six feet tall, muscular and has these beautiful eyes like Gus. He’s going to save this woman who gets her ca
r stuck in mud and he has to take her home because a raging storm cuts them off when the roads flood. She’s impressed with those muscles and jumps into bed with him. Fiction is way better than reality. Remember the last guy I slept with? Two minutes max of pushup sex and he couldn’t find my clit to save his life. My girl is getting laid in style.”
Kat reached over and used the back of her hand to swat Missy’s leg. “Really. Stop.”
“Real people have sex.” She sighed. “Do you ever think about hiring one of those male escorts? I thought about it. Would you bust me? I could say it was for research purposes. Would that fly? You know, to see if they’d really have sex for money. I’m not a cop so I’m under no obligation to turn him in if he does. Then again, with my luck, he’d do bad pushup sex. I guess I could pay him to read one of my sex scenes and tell him to act it out. I heard some of them are actors.”
Kat sat up and opened her eyes. “I had sex.”
Missy’s mouth fell open.
“I broke the rules and went to bed with someone I shouldn’t have.”
“Another agent?”
She shook her head.
Missy gaped at her. “Your suspect?”
“No. Not exactly.”
“That sounds ominous. Was he hot?”
“Scorching.”
“Is he on a most-wanted list? Should I bake those cookies still? Just remember the window in the laundry room is the only one that opens when you make a run for it.”
“No SWAT team is going to come. Sorry to disappoint you. I know you think they are kind of sexy. Can you be serious? I don’t want to laugh.”
“They are, in my defense. Why are you not okay?”
Kat didn’t look away. “I fell for him but he’s not the type of guy to settle down.”
“You’re not the kind of woman to settle down.”
She hated the way it hurt. “He might have been able to change me.”
“Oh honey. I’m sorry. Maybe he’ll wise up and come knocking on our door.”