So I went, summoning all my courage, “Michael, remember that time my mom and Mr. G went to Indiana and I got to stay in that hotel room at the Plaza and I invited Lilly and Tina and everyone to stay there with me, and not you, and you got so mad?”
“I didn’t get mad,” Michael pointed out.
“Yeah, but you were disappointed I didn’t invite YOU to stay in it with me.”
“That,” Michael said, “is true.”
“Well, so, I have this hotel suite to myself now,” I said. “And I invited you, and not Lilly and those guys.”
“You know,” Michael said, smiling. “I’d sort of noticed that. But I didn’t want to say anything, in case the girls were coming by after dinner.”
“Why would the girls come by after dinner?”
“That was a joke. I sort of figured they weren’t. But with you it’s kind of hard to predict sometimes.”
“Oh. Well, the thing is—” And it was SOOO hard for me to say this, but I HAD to do it. What’s more, I WANTED to do it. I mean, I genuinely and truly felt like I was ready to Do It. “I know I said I wanted to wait until my senior prom for us to have sex. But I’ve been giving it a lot of thought, and I really think I’m ready now. Tonight.”
Michael didn’t look as shocked as I thought he would. I think mostly because we were already eating dinner by ourselves in a hotel room. Now that I think of it, all of that might have been a bit of a giveaway.
Then he said something that completely freaked me out (I didn’t know then that it was just the FIRST of MANY things Michael was going to say that would totally freak me out): “Mia,” he said. “Are you sure about this? Because you were pretty firm on the whole prom night thing, and I don’t want you changing your mind just because I’m going away for a while and you’re afraid I might, er, hook up with a geisha girl, like you mentioned before.”
!!!!!!!!!!
Obviously, I was like, “Um…what?”
Because, let’s face it: Michael has been quite vocal in his desire for—well, me—over the past year. And the fact that he was even QUESTIONING my offer had me reeling.
Not to mention the part where he hadn’t yet thrown me down on the bed and declared that he definitely wouldn’t be going to Japan now.
“I know,” he said, looking as if he were in actual physical pain. “It’s just that…well, I don’t want this to happen for the wrong reasons. Like because you think if we do this, I’m going to change my mind about going, or something.”
So then I just sat there blinking at him, because…well, because I couldn’t believe this was happening!!!! I mean, that he was so completely willing to Do It, and then take off anyway!!!!!! It was quite clear that he believed, as Tina had, initially, that I was only offering to make sweet tender love with him so he’d have a beautiful memory to carry with him as he headed halfway across the world in order to prove himself worthy of me.
Which, excuse me, but—NO. WAY.
“Um,” I said. Because I was so confused. “No. That is not why I changed my mind about prom night. That is SO not why.”
“Really.” Michael TOTALLY looked as if he didn’t believe me. “So if we make love tonight, you are not going to be mad when I leave for Japan tomorrow?”
“No,” I said. I was sure my nostrils were flaring like crazy because I was telling such a whopper. But I hoped the lights were low enough that he wouldn’t notice. “But, I mean…I guess I have to say I’m kind of surprised you’d still WANT to go. Considering, you know. It’s sex. With me. On what could be a regular basis.”
“Mia,” Michael said. “I keep telling you—part of the reason I’m going is for US. So people like your grandmother will stop asking, ‘Why is she with HIM? She’s a princess, and he’s just some random guy she went to high school with.’”
“I understand,” I said. I was trying to be way mature, but I have to admit, I felt like crying. It wasn’t just that he’d said he would still go to Japan even if we Did It. It was that…well, I sort of had the feeling we weren’t actually going to Do It after all now, because truthfully the mood was kind of spoiled, and I was actually disappointed.
I guess I had been kind of looking forward to it. Throw-up feeling aside.
“I know that you feel like you have to prove you’re worthy of me, and all that,” I went on, hardly even knowing what I was saying, I was trying so hard to salvage the situation. Because I thought MAYBE there was a chance, that if we actually went ahead and Did It after all, he’d change his mind afterward. I mean, what if it was just that he didn’t yet know what he was missing? “And I know your robotic surgical arm is important. But I think WE’RE more important. OUR LOVE is more important. And I think giving each other the Precious Gift of our virginity would be the most powerful expression of our love ever.”
And Michael went, “The precious WHAT?”
That is the thing about boys. They just don’t KNOW anything. I mean, they know about Halo and HTML and robotic surgical arms, but important stuff? Not so much.
“The Precious Gift of our virginity,” I repeated. “I think we should give it to each other. Now. Tonight.”
And then Michael said the thing that COMPLETELY and TOTALLY freaked me out. The other stuff—about how he planned on going to Japan tomorrow regardless of whether or not we had sex—was NOTHING compared to what Michael said next. Which was:
“Mia.” He looked at me like I was nuts. “I gave my—what’d you call it? Oh, yeah, my Precious Gift—away a long time ago.”
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
At first I just figured I had misunderstood him. I mean, because he was LAUGHING as he said it, like it was no big deal. Surely no one would LAUGH as they said they’d given away their Precious Gift. No one who meant it SERIOUSLY.
But when I just looked at him, Michael stopped laughing and went, “Wait. What? Why are you looking at me like that?”
And this horrible cold feeling crept over me.
“Michael,” I said. It was as if someone had lowered the air-conditioning in the room about ten degrees all of a sudden. “Are you not a virgin?”
And he went, “No, of course not. You know that.”
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
To which, of course, I replied, “NO, I DID NOT KNOW THAT!” and “WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?”
And Michael actually started to look alarmed. I guess because I yelled it so loud. But I didn’t care. Because
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
“Well,” he said. “I guess we never actually TALKED about it, but I didn’t think it was a big deal—”
“YOU HAVE HAD SEX BEFORE, AND YOU DIDN’T THINK THAT WAS A BIG DEAL??? A BIG ENOUGH DEAL TO TELL YOUR GIRLFRIEND????”
Seriously, I know it sounds lame, but I was about to cry. Because—his Precious Gift! And he had given it to someone else! And never even thought it was a big enough deal to tell me about it!
“It was before you and I even started going out,” Michael said. He looked totally panicky now. Not that I cared. “I didn’t think—I mean, it was so long ago—”
“WHO?” I couldn’t stop yelling. I wanted to. I knew I wasn’t being cool. I’m sure this wasn’t how Tina acted when Boris tearfully confessed about Lilly having Touched It.
But I genuinely couldn’t help myself. “WHO WAS IT?”
“Who’d I have sex with?” Michael kept blinking. “I don’t think I want to tell you. You might try to kill her or something. Your eyes are actually spinning around in their sockets a little bit right now.”
“WHO WAS IT??????”
“God, it was Judith, okay?” Michael had stopped looking scared. Now he just looked annoyed. “What is WITH you? It didn’t mean anything, we were just messing around. It was before I even knew you liked me, so what do you care?”
“Judith?” So many thoughts were colliding into one another inside my head, it was like the inside of my brain had turned into a giant demolition derby. “Judith G
ERSHNER???? YOU HAD SEX WITH JUDITH GERSHNER???? YOU SAID YOU WERE JUST FRIENDS!!!!!!”
“We were!” Michael had stood up. So had I. We were standing across the room from each other, yelling. At least, I was yelling. Michael was just talking. “But we were friends who mess around a little.”
“You told me you weren’t going out with her! You told me she had a boyfriend!”
“I wasn’t,” he insisted. “And she did! But…”
“But WHAT?”
“But.” He shrugged. “I don’t know. We were just messing around. I TOLD YOU.”
“Oh, REALLY?” I couldn’t believe this. I could not believe that Michael and Judith Gershner had—had—I mean, I’ve HUNG OUT with Judith Gershner. Well, not HUNG OUT with her, necessarily. But TALKED to her.
And the whole time, I’d never had the slightest idea that SHE had had carnal knowledge of my boyfriend. SHE had been the recipient of his Precious Gift. Not me. NEVER ME.
Because once you’ve given your gift away, you can’t take it back and give it to someone else you might happen to like better, or even love. No. It says so right in Tina’s book. It is GONE.
GONE.
“Did JUDITH feel that way?” I heard myself yelling. “Did JUDITH think the two of you were just messing around? Or was she in love with you? Did she know she was giving you her Precious Gift just so you could turn around and start dating me?”
“First of all,” Michael said, “if you don’t stop saying Precious Gift, I’m going to hurl. Second of all, I told you, we were just messing around. Judith wasn’t in love with me and I wasn’t in love with her. I wasn’t even her first, for crying out loud!”
I felt myself blanch. “OH MY GOD. Did you use protection? What if she GAVE YOU SOMETHING?”
“She didn’t give me anything! Of course I used protection! I don’t understand what the big deal is. It’s not like I cheated on you. This was before you even sent me those anonymous love poems. I didn’t have the slightest idea you liked me. If I’d known—”
“If you’d known WHAT?” I demanded. “You wouldn’t have given your Precious Gift to Judith?”
“I told you not to call it that. But, yes, basically.”
“So it’s MY fault?” I shrieked. “It’s my fault you lost your virginity to someone other than me, because I was SHY????”
“I didn’t say that.”
“You could have told me you liked me, you know, instead of sleeping with JUDITH GERSHNER!”
“What would have been the point?” Michael demanded. “You were going out with Kenny Showalter at the time, if I recall.”
I gasped. “BUT I DIDN’T LIKE HIM!”
“How was I supposed to know that? You claim you didn’t like Josh Richter, either, but you certainly acted like you did.”
I gasped even louder. JOSH RICHTER? He had the nerve to bring up JOSH RICHTER? TO MY FACE?
“You certainly hung out with Kenny enough,” Michael went on. “I mean, for a guy you claim not to have liked. Which is fine—I don’t care, because you came to your senses in the end. But don’t get mad at me because you took your sweet time about admitting you liked me, and I didn’t wait around for you.”
“The way you’re expecting me to wait around for you while you go off to Japan and find yourself?” I yelled.
Michael looked totally confused. “This doesn’t have anything to do with my going to Japan. What are you even talking about?”
“CLARINETISTS!” I heard myself yell. I didn’t mean to. I didn’t WANT to. I was just so emotionally overwrought by everything I’d just heard, I couldn’t stop myself. Once again, my mouth was going off without my brain to back up what it was saying. “You’re going off to Japan and you just expect me to wait around alone every Saturday until you get back. Well, what if I don’t WANT to wait around alone for you? Did you ever think of THAT?”
“Mia.” Michael got very quiet suddenly. “What are you saying?”
“I’m saying I’m only sixteen years old,” I burst out before I could stop myself. “And you’re going away for a year. OR MORE. And it’s not fair of you to expect me just to sit home like a freaking nun while you’re off with some Japanese CLARINETIST!”
“Mia.” Michael shook his head. “You’ve totally lost me with the clarinetist thing. I don’t have the slightest idea what you’re talking about. But so far as me expecting you to sit home like a freaking nun—I never asked you to do that. I didn’t exactly think you’d WANT to date other people while I’m gone—I certainly don’t have the slightest intention of going out with other people while I’m gone—but if you want to, I guess it wouldn’t exactly be fair of me to hold it against you. Except that I thought…” Whatever he was about to say, he seemed to think better of it. He shook his head. “Never mind. Look, if that’s what you want…”
Except that that WASN’T what I wanted!!!! That was the LAST THING I wanted.
But it didn’t look as if I was going to get ANYTHING that I wanted. What I’d WANTED was for Michael and me to give each other our Precious Gifts—sorry, make love—tonight, and for him to say afterward that he’d changed his mind and wasn’t going to Japan tomorrow after all.
But it turned out he HAD no Precious Gift to give, and he also had no intention of staying in America, whether I slept with him or not.
I HAD COMPROMISED MY FEMINIST PRINCIPLES BY OFFERING TO SLEEP WITH HIM NOW, TONIGHT, INSTEAD OF AFTER MY SENIOR PROM LIKE I HAD ALWAYS INSISTED, AND HE HAD BASICALLY SAID, “NO, THANK YOU.”
Well, more or less.
Did he really think I was just going to FORGIVE him for that?
Which has to be why I just looked at him and went, “Yes, Michael. That’s EXACTLY what I want. Because the truth is, if you’ve kept something like this from me through our whole relationship, it just makes me wonder what kind of relationship we really even have. I mean, you haven’t been HONEST with me—”
“YOU FREAKING NEVER ASKED!” NOW he was yelling. “I didn’t even know it was important to you! I don’t even know where the hell this Precious Gift crap came from!”
But it was too late. Much too late.
“And the fact that you’re so willing to move to ANOTHER COUNTRY,” I went on, “pretty much signals to me that this relationship has never meant all that much to you, anyway.”
“Mia.” Michael shook his head. Just once. He wasn’t yelling anymore. “Don’t do this.”
But what else was I supposed to do? WHAT ELSE???
I reached up and undid the snowflake necklace from around my neck. The snowflake necklace he’d given me on my fifteenth birthday. I held it out to him, the way Arwen gave her necklace—the Evenstar—to Aragorn, as a parting gift to remember her by as he attempted to regain his throne in an effort to win her father’s approval.
Only I was giving Michael his necklace back—not because I wanted him to keep it to remember me by.
But because I didn’t want it anymore.
Because suddenly that snowflake was just a reminder of who ELSE had been at that dance—Judith Gershner.
And, okay, she’d been there with another guy. That girl really seemed to get around. But still.
The thing is, it was totally different for Aragorn and Arwen. Because Aragorn never Did It with a girl who knew how to clone fruit flies. And then lied about it.
And okay, only by omission. But still.
He NEVER TOLD ME. What ELSE hasn’t he told me???? HOW CAN I TRUST HIM WHEN HE GOES TO JAPAN????
“Mia,” Michael said, this time in a totally different voice. Not like he was choked up, like Aragorn had been. But like he wanted to punch me in the face. Which I knew he’d never do. But still. He looked pretty angry. “Do. Not. Do. This.”
“Good-bye, Michael,” I said with a sob. Because WHAT ELSE WAS THERE TO SAY?
And I dropped the necklace on the floor—because he wouldn’t take it—and ran out of there before I choked on my own tears.
And now Ephrain Kleinschmidt has pulled up in front of my buil
ding and wants seventeen dollars. I’m going to give him a twenty and let him keep the change as a tip. I owe him that much, at least, for all the Kleenex. Which I finally did start using, because I totally can’t stop crying. There’s no WAY I’m going to be able to hide what happened from my mom. If she’s still up when I get inside, anyway.
If this is what self-actualization feels like, all I have to say is, I was a lot happier before I became self-actualized.
Thursday, September 9, 11 p.m., the loft
Mom was up. Because Lars, not finding me at Michael’s, called her. They were talking as I walked through the door.
I’m in bed now with a cool washcloth over my forehead. That’s because when she hung up with Lars and asked me where I’d been, I had to run for the toilet, where I threw up my bluefin tuna two ways with artichoke salad with fava beans and scallions and Parmesan shavings. Not to mention the chocolate mousse.
I’ve gotten her to promise not to call Dr. Fung’s emergency service. The only thing about me that’s sick is my heart.
And I’m pretty sure Dr. Fung doesn’t have a prescription for what’s wrong with it.
Thursday, September 9, 11:30 p.m., the loft
Mom says she doesn’t think Michael not telling me about losing his virginity to Judith Gershner is that big a deal—not worth breaking up with him over, anyway. Her exact words were, “Oh, Mia. It’s just SEX.”
That’s easy for her to say. She lost her virginity when she was younger than me, and to a guy who is now married to a former CORN PRINCESS. AND she’s happily married to someone else. Of course it’s just SEX to her. To me, it’s my LIFE.
“Mom, he LIED to me,” I said.
“Well, he didn’t EXACTLY lie,” Mom said. “I mean, you asked him if he and Judith were going out. And they weren’t.”
“Mom. GOING OUT implies sleeping together.”
“Since when?” Mom wanted to know. “I thought HOOKING UP meant sleeping together. And you didn’t ask Michael that. You asked him if he and Judith were GOING OUT.”
The reason we both know this is because I went back through my old diaries, just to make sure I was right.