And I was.
“Are you sure you didn’t pick a fight with Michael over this because it’s easier for you to cope with him being gone if you’re mad at him than if you were still loving him, and missing him all the time?” was her next totally off-the-wall question.
Yeah, right, Mom. Because I am feeling SO MUCH BETTER NOW.
I didn’t tell her how the subject had come up. I mean, about HOW I’d found out about Michael and Judith. The last thing I need is my mom knowing what I’d tried to do—you know, convince Michael not to go to Japan by sleeping with him. She wouldn’t be TOO disappointed in me for being such a bad feminist and using sex as a manipulative tool, or anything.
The phone just rang. I didn’t even check the caller ID to see who it was, because I knew. Who else would call this late, and risk waking up Rocky (who could sleep through a war protest…and actually has)?
And Mom confirmed it when she looked in to say it was Michael, saying sorry to call so late but I wasn’t picking up my cell and he wanted to make sure I’d made it home okay.
Like I’ll ever be okay again.
Mom asked if I wanted to speak to him and I just looked at her and she said, “Um, Michael, now is probably not the best time,” into the phone and went away.
My chest feels funny. Like it’s empty and hollow inside. I wonder if this is because I just barfed up my dinner, or if it’s because my heart has shattered into so many little pieces, it’s basically disappeared.
Thursday, September 9, 11:45 p.m., the loft
Michael just e-mailed me:
SKINNERBX: Mia, I don’t understand what just happened. Judith Gershner is a nice person, but she’s never meant anything to me and never will. I don’t understand how the fact that I slept with her two years ago, BEFORE YOU AND I EVER WENT OUT, is a valid reason for you and me to break up. If that’s what just happened, which, as I said, I’m not even sure about, because you were acting so weird.
And as for your thinking that I expect you to wait for me while I’m in Japan…well, yeah, I guess I kind of thought you would, considering the fact that part of the reason I’m going is to improve the chances of our being able to have a future together. Maybe that’s a lot to ask. Maybe I have no right to expect it. I don’t know. I don’t understand any of this. Could you maybe call or write back and possibly explain? Because I’m apparently clueless. And this is all so stupid.
God. That is so like him. What is so stupid about my wanting a boyfriend who actually VALUES intimacy and doesn’t dismiss his first sexual experience as just “messing around”?
And okay, she already had a boyfriend, apparently. That just makes it worse. He was messing around with a girl who was messing around with him BEHIND HER BOYFRIEND’S BACK.
And JUDITH GERSHNER???? How could he have had sex with JUDITH GERSHNER???? And not have TOLD me???? I mean, I have eaten LUNCH with Judith Gershner. I have gone ICE-SKATING with Judith Gershner.
And okay, just once. But STILL. I had NO IDEA she and my boyfriend had been…you know.
But I SHOULD have known. I mean, all the signs were there. That time she put her arm around his chair. And ate his garlic bread. I can’t believe I was so blind.
I can’t believe Michael wasted his Precious Gift on HER when he didn’t even LOVE her.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH BOYS????
Uh-oh. Someone is texting me on my cell. This is just—
Oh. It’s Tina.
TINAHAKIMBABA: Mia, where r u? What happened? Did u give him ur Precious Gift? Is he still going to Japan? Text me back!
I HAVE to text her back. I HAVE to tell her what’s going on.
HRHMIAT: He said he was going to Japan whether we Did It or not. And Michael already gave his Precious Gift to Judith Gershner!!!!!
TINAHAKIMBABA:!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thank God for Tina. I love her so much.
HRHMIAT: I KNOW!!!!!!!
TINAHAKIMBABA: BUT HE DIDN’T LUV HER!!!!!!!!!!!
HRHMIAT: He said it didn’t mean anything, they were just “messing around.” Tina, what am I going 2 do?????? How could he not have told me?????
TINAHAKIMBABA: But he DID tell U.
HRHMIAT: A little late!!!!!
TINAHAKIMBABA: But he TOLD u.
HRHMIAT: HE DIDN’T EVEN LOVE HER!!!!!!!!
TINAHAKIMBABA: Lots of times in romance novels the hero has had meaningless sex with women B4 he meets the heroine.
HRHMIAT: WITH JUDITH GERSHNER?????
TINAHAKIMBABA: Well, no. But it just makes it MORE meaningful when he and the heroine finally Do It. Bcuz sex is so much better when u luv the person.
HRHMIAT: I CAN’T BLIEVE U R DEFENDING HIM!!!! He said he was going to Japan even if we DID IT!!!!
TINAHAKIMBABA: I think U R right to B mad. But did U really break up?????
HRHMIAT: I gave him back his snowflake necklace.
TINAHAKIMBABA: MIA!!!!!!! NOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HRHMIAT: TINA, HE LIED 2 ME!!!!
TINAHAKIMBABA: No, he didn’t! He DID tell U. Eventually.
HRHMIAT: That is not the point. The point is JUDITH GERSHNER GOT 2 TOUCH IT B4 I DID!!!!
TINAHAKIMBABA: Lilly got 2 touch it b4 I did.
HRHMIAT: BUT SHE IS UR FRIEND!!!!! Besides, Boris and Lilly did not go ALL THE WAY. And Boris is not moving to Japan and leaving you alone for a year. Or MORE!!!!
TINAHAKIMBABA: True. Oh, Mia. I’m so sorry. I’ve g2g, my dad says I’ve reached my limit in text messages this month—ttyl!
Tina’s so sweet. She risked her dad’s wrath to text me in my hour of need. She’s a good and true friend.
Speaking of which…how am I ever going to face Lilly in the morning? I can’t.
I just can’t.
ME, A PRINCESS???? YEAH, RIGHT.
A Screenplay by Mia Thermopolis
(first draft)
Scene 24
INT/NIGHT—A large, comfortably furnished rent-controlled apartment on New York City’s Fifth Avenue, off Union Square. A newly madeover MIA THERMOPOLIS has just entered through the front door. Her best friend, LILLY MOSCOVITZ, a slightly chubby, pug-faced girl, is staring at her incredulously.
LILLY
Oh my God, what happened to you?
MIA
(taking off her coat, trying to be casual)
Yeah, well, my grandmother made me go see this guy, Paolo, and he—
LILLY
(in state of shock)
Your hair is the same color as Lana Weinberger’s.
What’s on your FINGERS? Are those fake fingernails? Lana has those, too! Oh my God, Mia. You’re turning into Lana Weinberger!
MIA
(unable to take it anymore)
Lilly. Shut up.
MICHAEL
(appearing in the doorway with no shirt on) Whoa.
LILLY
WHAT? WHAT did you just say to me?
MIA
You know what, Lilly? I’m a PRINCESS. I’m the princess of Genovia. And I will ALWAYS be a princess, I can’t escape it, I can’t pretend like it didn’t happen. And as a princess, I will always value princesslike qualities in other people, such as honesty and self-respect and not Doing It with People You Don’t Even Love. Good-bye.
MICHAEL
Whoa.
MIA stomps from the room. LILLY and MICHAEL exchange stunned glances.
Friday, September 10, 1 a.m., the loft
Except, of course, I know now that the whole time—maybe even way back when I was first finding out I’m a princess—Michael was sleeping with Judith Gershner.
And I didn’t know it.
Because he never told me.
Friday, September 10, 1:30 a.m., the loft
HOW AM I GOING TO LIVE WITHOUT HIM?????
Friday, September 10, 2:15 a.m., the loft
I have to be strong. I HAVE to. He LIED to me. He said maybe it was a good idea for us to TAKE A BREAK.
I can’t just let him get away with that.
Maybe writing some poetry
will help.
You thought I gave you up for some
Foolish feminist morals.
You whose head ought to be wreathed
In silver-plated laurels?
For were you not a man?
Was your sex not the best?
Had you not a suit and tie,
Big feet and hairy chest?
Yet you opened up the cage
For my headstrong reckless flight
You thought I’d learn my lesson quick
And return to you contrite.
My freedom found, however,
I disappeared from view.
Maybe I’d catch no one nicer
But anyone’s better than you.
Oh, our love affair was tragic!
I wept with passionate strife.
Till you let me go, and I found out
I prefer the single life.
God, I wish that were all true.
Michael! My cherished preserver!
Friday, September 10, 3 a.m., the loft
Dear Michael,
I just wanted to say—
Dear Michael,
Why did you have to—
Dear Michael,
WHY????
Friday, September 10, 4 a.m., the loft
Michael! My hope! My love! My life!
Friday, September 10, the limo on the way to school
I can’t believe Mom made me go to school today.
I told her my heart was broken. I told her I hadn’t slept A WINK ALL NIGHT LONG. I told her I can’t stop crying. I haven’t stopped crying since last night, practically. I had no idea human beings were even CAPABLE of producing so many tears.
It was like talking to a stone wall. Mom was all, “You broke up with Michael, Mia, not the other way around. No way are you going to wallow around in bed all day.”
It’s weird but…it’s almost like she’s on MICHAEL’S side, or something.
But that can’t be possible, right? I mean, she’s MY mom, not HIS.
Still. She even made ME call Lilly and tell her to find alternative transportation to school this morning. She refused to do it for me, even though I begged, because I was afraid Michael might see it was me on the caller ID, and pick up instead.
I feel bad leaving Lilly in the lurch without a ride, but NO WAY can I face Michael this morning. And I know he will TOTALLY be waiting in front of their building for me, because he left me an e-mail to that effect this morning, which said:
SKINNERBX: I still don’t understand what I did wrong. How is my having slept with someone before I even knew you liked me a crime? I don’t get it.
I guess I can see why you’re upset about the Japan thing, but I don’t know how many times I have to explain that one of the reasons I’m doing this is for US before it sinks in. Lilly said Boris said something about clarinetists at lunch the other day, so I guess that’s where that came from, but I still don’t understand it. But if you want to see other people while I’m gone, I guess I’m fine with that. Maybe it would even be a good thing.
Look, we have to talk, okay? I’ll be waiting with Lilly out front before school. Maybe we could grab a coffee?
I HAD to call Lilly (on her cell, so there was no chance of getting Michael by mistake) and was all, “Lilly? I can’t come pick you up today.”
“POG?” Lilly sounded suspicious. “Is that you?”
“Y-yes,” I said.
“Wait—are you CRYING?”
“Y-yes,” I said. Because I was.
“WHAT is going on?” Lilly wanted to know. “What did you do to my brother? I’ve never seen him like this. Did you really dump him? Because he says you did.”
“He—he—”
But it was hopeless. I couldn’t speak. I was crying too hard.
“Jesus, Mia,” Lilly said, actually seeming concerned about me for once in her life. “You sound even worse than he does. WHAT IS GOING ON?”
“I c-can’t talk right now,” I said. Because I literally couldn’t talk, I was crying so hard.
“Fine,” Lilly said. “But, Mia…seriously, I don’t know what this is about, but you’re breaking his heart. The only reason I’m not coming over there and kicking your ass for it is because I can tell your heart isn’t doing so well, either. But seriously, you have to talk to him. Just talk to him. I’m sure whatever it is, you two can work it out, if you just TALK. Okay?”
I couldn’t reply, though. I was crying too hard.
If I could have said something, though, I’d have said, “It’s too late, Lilly. There’s nothing left to say.”
Because there isn’t.
I miss him so much. And he hasn’t even left yet.
Friday, September 10, Intro to Creative Writing
ME, A PRINCESS???? YEAH, RIGHT.
A Screenplay by Mia Thermopolis
(second draft)
Scene 12
INT/DAY—The Palm Court at the Plaza Hotel in New York City. A flat-chested girl with upside-down-yield-sign-shaped hair (14-year-old MIA THERMOPOLIS) is sitting at an ornately set table across from a bald man (her father, PRINCE PHILLIPE). We can tell by MIA’s expression that her father is telling her something upsetting.
PRINCE PHILLIPE
You’re not Mia Thermopolis anymore, honey.
MIA
(blinking with astonishment)
I’m not? Then who am I?
PRINCE PHILLIPE
You’re Amelia Mignonette Grimaldi Thermopolis Renaldo, Princess of Genovia.
MIA
(getting up from the table, pulling an Uzi from her backpack)
Dad, look out!
NINJAS descend from the ceiling on ropes. MIA kicks over the table, sending the tea things flying. Then she strafes the room with bullets from her Uzi. TOURISTS and WAITERS dive for cover. Her dad, terrified, ducks behind a potted plant. MIA throws down the Uzi, which has jammed, and kickboxes the NINJAS, dispatching them one by one, à la River in the movie SERENITY.
Finally, the room is still, all NINJAS unconscious. One by one, the TOURISTS and WAITERS climb to their feet. One of them begins to clap, slowly. He is joined by everyone else. Soon, MIA is receiving a standing ovation for her bravery.
MIA walks up to PHILLIPE and sticks out her right hand to help him to his feet. He hesitantly takes it. She pulls him up.
PRINCE PHILLIPE
(gratefully)
Mia—where did you learn to—
MIA
(matter-of-factly)
I’ve been working as a highly trained demon-killer for the Vatican for years, Dad. Didn’t you know?
PRINCE PHILLIPE
I didn’t know. I was wrong about you, Mia. You’re not just a princess.
MIA
No, Dad. No, I’m not.
F
Mia, while this is highly imaginative, in no way does it satisfy the assignment, which was to describe a beloved pet.
—C. Martinez
Friday, September 10, English
Are you okay?
I guess so, Tina. Thanks.
You look kind of…pale. And your eyes are red.
Yeah. Well. I didn’t get much sleep last night.
Have you spoken to him yet? Michael, I mean?
No. Not in person.
Hasn’t he called? Or texted?
Well, yes. But I haven’t written back. How can I, Tina? What is there to SAY?
True. But if he apologized, wouldn’t you forgive him?
He’s not going to apologize, Tina. He doesn’t think he did anything wrong!!!
But this can’t be IT. I mean, it can’t be OVER between you two. You love each other too much!!!!!
Michael himself said—in one of the e-mails he sent—that maybe it’s better this way. You know, that we see other people while he’s gone.
HE SAID THAT????
Well, he didn’t say HE was going to see other people, but that it was okay with him if I wanted to.
Wait—he really SAID that?
Yes.
He did. Well, he said he guessed it HAD to be okay.
Oh, Mia! I don’t know how to say this but—do you think maybe Your Precious Gift is wrong? Because in my favorite romance novels—The Sheik and the Virgin Secretary and The Sheik and the Princess Bride—none of the sheiks were virgins, and it all turned out okay for them and THEIR girlfriends.
I didn’t want to write what I wrote next. Really. It HURT me to say it. But someone HAD to. Because Tina just can’t live in Tinaland for the rest of her life. She just can’t.
Tina. Those are BOOKS.
But Tina wasn’t backing down.
Your Precious Gift is a BOOK. How come it’s right, and not the sheik books?
Tina. None of the sheiks in those books Did It with Judith Gershner and then LIED about it, okay? None of the sheiks in those books invented a robotic surgical arm and are leaving for Japan for a year. Or more. And if they were, they’d take their virgin secretary princess bride WITH THEM.