CHAPTER XV.
"Such was the history of my beloved cottagers. It impressed me deeply. Ilearned, from the views of social life which it developed, to admiretheir virtues, and to deprecate the vices of mankind.
"As yet I looked upon crime as a distant evil; benevolence andgenerosity were ever present before me, inciting within me a desire tobecome an actor in the busy scene where so many admirable qualities werecalled forth and displayed. But, in giving an account of the progress ofmy intellect, I must not omit a circumstance which occurred in thebeginning of the month of August of the same year.
"One night, during my accustomed visit to the neighbouring wood, where Icollected my own food, and brought home firing for my protectors, Ifound on the ground a leathern portmanteau, containing several articlesof dress and some books. I eagerly seized the prize, and returned withit to my hovel. Fortunately the books were written in the language, theelements of which I had acquired at the cottage; they consisted of'Paradise Lost,' a volume of 'Plutarch's Lives,' and the 'Sorrows ofWerter.' The possession of these treasures gave me extreme delight; Inow continually studied and exercised my mind upon these histories,whilst my friends were employed in their ordinary occupations.
"I can hardly describe to you the effect of these books. They producedin me an infinity of new images and feelings, that sometimes raised meto ecstacy, but more frequently sunk me into the lowest dejection. Inthe 'Sorrows of Werter,' besides the interest of its simple andaffecting story, so many opinions are canvassed, and so many lightsthrown upon what had hitherto been to me obscure subjects, that I foundin it a never-ending source of speculation and astonishment. The gentleand domestic manners it described, combined with lofty sentiments andfeelings, which had for their object something out of self, accordedwell with my experience among my protectors, and with the wants whichwere for ever alive in my own bosom. But I thought Werter himself a moredivine being than I had ever beheld or imagined; his character containedno pretension, but it sunk deep. The disquisitions upon death andsuicide were calculated to fill me with wonder. I did not pretend toenter into the merits of the case, yet I inclined towards the opinionsof the hero, whose extinction I wept, without precisely understandingit.
"As I read, however, I applied much personally to my own feelings andcondition. I found myself similar, yet at the same time strangely unliketo the beings concerning whom I read, and to whose conversation I was alistener. I sympathised with, and partly understood them, but I wasunformed in mind; I was dependent on none, and related to none. 'Thepath of my departure was free;' and there was none to lament myannihilation. My person was hideous, and my stature gigantic? What didthis mean? Who was I? What was I? Whence did I come? What was mydestination? These questions continually recurred, but I was unable tosolve them.
"The volume of 'Plutarch's Lives,' which I possessed, contained thehistories of the first founders of the ancient republics. This book hada far different effect upon me from the 'Sorrows of Werter.' I learnedfrom Werter's imaginations despondency and gloom: but Plutarch taught mehigh thoughts; he elevated me above the wretched sphere of my ownreflections, to admire and love the heroes of past ages. Many things Iread surpassed my understanding and experience. I had a very confusedknowledge of kingdoms, wide extents of country, mighty rivers, andboundless seas. But I was perfectly unacquainted with towns, and largeassemblages of men. The cottage of my protectors had been the onlyschool in which I had studied human nature; but this book developed newand mightier scenes of action. I read of men concerned in publicaffairs, governing or massacring their species. I felt the greatestardour for virtue rise within me, and abhorrence for vice, as far as Iunderstood the signification of those terms, relative as they were, as Iapplied them, to pleasure and pain alone. Induced by these feelings, Iwas of course led to admire peaceable lawgivers, Numa, Solon, andLycurgus, in preference to Romulus and Theseus. The patriarchal lives ofmy protectors caused these impressions to take a firm hold on my mind;perhaps, if my first introduction to humanity had been made by a youngsoldier, burning for glory and slaughter, I should have been imbued withdifferent sensations.
"But 'Paradise Lost' excited different and far deeper emotions. I readit, as I had read the other volumes which had fallen into my hands, asa true history. It moved every feeling of wonder and awe, that thepicture of an omnipotent God warring with his creatures was capable ofexciting. I often referred the several situations, as their similaritystruck me, to my own. Like Adam, I was apparently united by no link toany other being in existence; but his state was far different from minein every other respect. He had come forth from the hands of God aperfect creature, happy and prosperous, guarded by the especial care ofhis Creator; he was allowed to converse with, and acquire knowledgefrom, beings of a superior nature: but I was wretched, helpless, andalone. Many times I considered Satan as the fitter emblem of mycondition; for often, like him, when I viewed the bliss of myprotectors, the bitter gall of envy rose within me.
"Another circumstance strengthened and confirmed these feelings. Soonafter my arrival in the hovel, I discovered some papers in the pocket ofthe dress which I had taken from your laboratory. At first I hadneglected them; but now that I was able to decipher the characters inwhich they were written, I began to study them with diligence. It wasyour journal of the four months that preceded my creation. You minutelydescribed in these papers every step you took in the progress of yourwork; this history was mingled with accounts of domestic occurrences.You, doubtless, recollect these papers. Here they are. Every thing isrelated in them which bears reference to my accursed origin; the wholedetail of that series of disgusting circumstances which produced it, isset in view; the minutest description of my odious and loathsome personis given, in language which painted your own horrors, and rendered mineindelible. I sickened as I read. 'Hateful day when I received life!' Iexclaimed in agony. 'Accursed creator! Why did you form a monster sohideous that even _you_ turned from me in disgust? God, in pity, mademan beautiful and alluring, after his own image; but my form is a filthytype of yours, more horrid even from the very resemblance. Satan had hiscompanions, fellow-devils, to admire and encourage him; but I amsolitary and abhorred.'
"These were the reflections of my hours of despondency and solitude; butwhen I contemplated the virtues of the cottagers, their amiable andbenevolent dispositions, I persuaded myself that when they should becomeacquainted with my admiration of their virtues, they would compassionateme, and overlook my personal deformity. Could they turn from their doorone, however monstrous, who solicited their compassion and friendship? Iresolved, at least, not to despair, but in every way to fit myself foran interview with them which would decide my fate. I postponed thisattempt for some months longer; for the importance attached to itssuccess inspired me with a dread lest I should fail. Besides, I foundthat my understanding improved so much with every day's experience, thatI was unwilling to commence this undertaking until a few more monthsshould have added to my sagacity.
"Several changes, in the mean time, took place in the cottage. Thepresence of Safie diffused happiness among its inhabitants; and I alsofound that a greater degree of plenty reigned there. Felix and Agathaspent more time in amusement and conversation, and were assisted intheir labours by servants. They did not appear rich, but they werecontented and happy; their feelings were serene and peaceful, while minebecame every day more tumultuous. Increase of knowledge only discoveredto me more clearly what a wretched outcast I was. I cherished hope, itis true; but it vanished, when I beheld my person reflected in water, ormy shadow in the moonshine, even as that frail image and that inconstantshade.
"I endeavoured to crush these fears, and to fortify myself for the trialwhich in a few months I resolved to undergo; and sometimes I allowed mythoughts, unchecked by reason, to ramble in the fields of Paradise, anddared to fancy amiable and lovely creatures sympathising with myfeelings, and cheering my gloom; their angelic countenances breathedsmiles of consolation. But it was all a dream; no Eve soothed mysorrows, nor shared my
thoughts; I was alone. I remembered Adam'ssupplication to his Creator. But where was mine? He had abandoned meand, in the bitterness of my heart, I cursed him.
"Autumn passed thus. I saw, with surprise and grief, the leaves decayand fall, and nature again assume the barren and bleak appearance it hadworn when I first beheld the woods and the lovely moon. Yet I did notheed the bleakness of the weather; I was better fitted by myconformation for the endurance of cold than heat. But my chief delightswere the sight of the flowers, the birds, and all the gay apparel ofsummer; when those deserted me, I turned with more attention towards thecottagers. Their happiness was not decreased by the absence of summer.They loved, and sympathised with one another; and their joys, dependingon each other, were not interrupted by the casualties that took placearound them. The more I saw of them, the greater became my desire toclaim their protection and kindness; my heart yearned to be known andloved by these amiable creatures: to see their sweet looks directedtowards me with affection, was the utmost limit of my ambition. I darednot think that they would turn them from me with disdain and horror. Thepoor that stopped at their door were never driven away. I asked, it istrue, for greater treasures than a little food or rest: I requiredkindness and sympathy; but I did not believe myself utterly unworthy ofit.
"The winter advanced, and an entire revolution of the seasons had takenplace since I awoke into life. My attention, at this time, was solelydirected towards my plan of introducing myself into the cottage of myprotectors. I revolved many projects; but that on which I finally fixedwas, to enter the dwelling when the blind old man should be alone. I hadsagacity enough to discover, that the unnatural hideousness of my personwas the chief object of horror with those who had formerly beheld me. Myvoice, although harsh, had nothing terrible in it; I thought, therefore,that if, in the absence of his children, I could gain the good-will andmediation of the old De Lacey, I might, by his means, be tolerated by myyounger protectors.
"One day, when the sun shone on the red leaves that strewed the ground,and diffused cheerfulness, although it denied warmth, Safie, Agatha, andFelix departed on a long country walk, and the old man, at his owndesire, was left alone in the cottage. When his children had departed,he took up his guitar, and played several mournful but sweet airs, moresweet and mournful than I had ever heard him play before. At first hiscountenance was illuminated with pleasure, but, as he continued,thoughtfulness and sadness succeeded; at length, laying aside theinstrument, he sat absorbed in reflection.
"My heart beat quick; this was the hour and moment of trial, which woulddecide my hopes, or realise my fears. The servants were gone to aneighbouring fair. All was silent in and around the cottage: it was anexcellent opportunity; yet, when I proceeded to execute my plan, mylimbs failed me, and I sank to the ground. Again I rose; and, exertingall the firmness of which I was master, removed the planks which I hadplaced before my hovel to conceal my retreat. The fresh air revived me,and, with renewed determination, I approached the door of their cottage.
"I knocked. 'Who is there?' said the old man--'Come in.'
"I entered; 'Pardon this intrusion,' said I: 'I am a traveller in wantof a little rest; you would greatly oblige me, if you would allow me toremain a few minutes before the fire.'
"'Enter,' said De Lacey; 'and I will try in what manner I can relieveyour wants; but, unfortunately, my children are from home, and, as I amblind, I am afraid I shall find it difficult to procure food for you.'
"'Do not trouble yourself, my kind host, I have food; it is warmth andrest only that I need.'
"I sat down, and a silence ensued. I knew that every minute was preciousto me, yet I remained irresolute in what manner to commence theinterview; when the old man addressed me--
"'By your language, stranger, I suppose you are my countryman;--are youFrench?'
"'No; but I was educated by a French family, and understand thatlanguage only. I am now going to claim the protection of some friends,whom I sincerely love, and of whose favour I have some hopes.'
"'Are they Germans?'
"'No, they are French. But let us change the subject. I am anunfortunate and deserted creature; I look around, and I have no relationor friend upon earth. These amiable people to whom I go have never seenme, and know little of me. I am full of fears; for if I fail there, I aman outcast in the world for ever.'
"'Do not despair. To be friendless is indeed to be unfortunate; but thehearts of men, when unprejudiced by any obvious self-interest, are fullof brotherly love and charity. Rely, therefore, on your hopes; and ifthese friends are good and amiable, do not despair.'
"'They are kind--they are the most excellent creatures in the world;but, unfortunately, they are prejudiced against me. I have gooddispositions; my life has been hitherto harmless, and in some degreebeneficial; but a fatal prejudice clouds their eyes, and where theyought to see a feeling and kind friend, they behold only a detestablemonster.'
"'That is indeed unfortunate; but if you are really blameless, cannotyou undeceive them?'
"'I am about to undertake that task; and it is on that account that Ifeel so many overwhelming terrors. I tenderly love these friends; Ihave, unknown to them, been for many months in the habits of dailykindness towards them; but they believe that I wish to injure them, andit is that prejudice which I wish to overcome.'
"'Where do these friends reside?'
"'Near this spot.'
"The old man paused, and then continued, 'If you will unreservedlyconfide to me the particulars of your tale, I perhaps may be of use inundeceiving them. I am blind, and cannot judge of your countenance, butthere is something in your words, which persuades me that you aresincere. I am poor, and an exile; but it will afford me true pleasure tobe in any way serviceable to a human creature.'
"'Excellent man! I thank you, and accept your generous offer. You raiseme from the dust by this kindness; and I trust that, by your aid, Ishall not be driven from the society and sympathy of yourfellow-creatures.'
"'Heaven forbid! even if you were really criminal; for that can onlydrive you to desperation, and not instigate you to virtue. I also amunfortunate; I and my family have been condemned, although innocent:judge, therefore, if I do not feel for your misfortunes.'
"'How can I thank you, my best and only benefactor? From your lips firsthave I heard the voice of kindness directed towards me; I shall be forever grateful; and your present humanity assures me of success withthose friends whom I am on the point of meeting.'
"'May I know the names and residence of those friends?'
"I paused. This, I thought, was the moment of decision, which was to robme of, or bestow happiness on me for ever. I struggled vainly forfirmness sufficient to answer him, but the effort destroyed all myremaining strength; I sank on the chair, and sobbed aloud. At thatmoment I heard the steps of my younger protectors. I had not a moment tolose; but, seizing the hand of the old man, I cried, 'Now is thetime!--save and protect me! You and your family are the friends whom Iseek. Do not you desert me in the hour of trial!'
"'Great God!' exclaimed the old man, 'who are you?'
"At that instant the cottage door was opened, and Felix, Safie, andAgatha entered. Who can describe their horror and consternation onbeholding me? Agatha fainted; and Safie, unable to attend to her friend,rushed out of the cottage. Felix darted forward, and with supernaturalforce tore me from his father, to whose knees I clung: in a transport offury, he dashed me to the ground, and struck me violently with a stick.I could have torn him limb from limb, as the lion rends the antelope.But my heart sunk within me as with bitter sickness, and I refrained. Isaw him on the point of repeating his blow, when, overcome by pain andanguish, I quitted the cottage, and in the general tumult escapedunperceived to my hovel."