"Wait a second," I said. "You're dumping Julie with some nuns and then you're going to Ohio on the off chance you can become a monk? Are you serious?"
"That's exactly why I didn't tell you," Alex said. "I knew you wouldn't understand."
"That's not fair," I said. "Maybe I don't understand, but you didn't know if I would. You may know Latin and calculus and how to hot-wire a car, but you don't know anything about me. I don't think you know anything about anybody except yourself."
Alex looked around at what had once been a very nice living room, now covered with ash and broken glass. "I'll tell you what I know," he said. "Everywhere there's death. You think that pile of bodies was the worst thing I've ever seen? Or the corpse with the dog beside it? That was nothing. Every day for a year I've seen worse. I spent a lot of time trying to figure out why God lets me live when so many people have died horrible, lonely deaths. People better than I'll ever be. For a long time I thought I was alive to protect Julie, but every plan I've made for her failed. Now I'm trusting in Carlos's decision. And if God shows us mercy and gives Julie the protection I can't, I'll go to Ohio and beg the Franciscans to take me in and devote the rest of my life to serving Christ and my church. That's everything I know, Miranda. Everything."
He was crying. For days I hadn't known he could smile, and now I found he could cry.
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"Stay until Tuesday," I said. "Go into town and get the food. Do that for Dad and Lisa, all right?"He took a deep breath and wiped the tears off his cheeks. "Tuesday," he said. "What's today?"
"I'm not sure," I admitted, but then I counted back to last Monday. That's how we tell time: Monday to Monday. "It's Thursday," I said. "That's just a long weekend."
"All right," he said. "We'll leave on Tuesday. No more arguments."
"None," I said, but I felt a glimmer of hope.
Maybe Alex really does listen to me.
June 16
I opened one of the cans of dog food and put some in Horton's bowl. When I checked this evening, he hadn't touched it.A couple of days ago Jon asked permission to give Horton a little bit of the shad. We have so much food in the house, Mom agreed, but Horton ended up not eating it.
He's gotten so thin. He seems comfortable, and he can get up and down furniture and laps. Sure, he mostly sleeps, but he always sleeps a lot.
I'd hoped when everybody left, especially Gabriel, Horton would start eating again. I know he was eating a little before they came, because I fed him when Jon was away.
When Julie was in the house, Jon was distracted, and even now he's spending most of his free time with her, either here or at Mrs. Nesbitt's. But she'll be gone in a couple of days, unless Alex changes his mind, and then Jon is going to have to face what's going on with Horton.
If he can. If any of us can.
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June 17
Charlie popped in, just like a neighbor might, to invite us over for Sunday prayer service, followed by dinner.Syl said yes right away and Matt nodded. Jon said he would if he could pray with Alex and Julie, and Charlie said of course, they were hoping Jon would join them.
That left Mom and me. I said yes, more for the dinner than the prayers. Mom thought about it and said she didn't have that many chances to be alone and whenever one came along, she grabbed it, so she'd stay home.
"You could come just for the dinner," Charlie said. "It won't be the same without you."
"I'll think about it," Mom said, which we all knew meant "no, thank you."
We're in and out of both houses all day long. Julie comes over every morning for lessons with Jon, and more often than not, Jon eats supper at Dad's. Syl goes over for Bible study. Mom sends me over with something for them, or Alex comes over with something for us, and Charlie and Mom have formed their own book club. One of them reads a mystery, then gives it to the other, and then they discuss it.
But Charlie always comes over here to see Mom. Mom never goes there. I can't decide if it's because she doesn't want to see Mrs. Nesbitt's house filled with other people or if it's Dad and Lisa she's avoiding. Maybe she thinks they want to avoid her. It can't be easy for Mom having them so close by, but she might think it's just as hard for them having her so near.
It's only been a few days since they moved out. Maybe by next week Mom will start visiting them.
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June 18
The four of us walked over to Mrs. Nesbitt's this morning, splitting up once we got there. Jon went to the parlor, where Alex and Julie set up a little chapel, and Matt, Syl, and I stayed in the kitchen with everybody else.Dad moved Mrs. Nesbitt's table back into the kitchen, and we sat around it for our prayer service. It made things feel more ordinary, and I was glad for that.
Someone would start a hymn and whoever knew it would join in. I asked for "Take My Hand, Precious Lord," since that was Grandma's favorite. There were some prayers, and Syl talked about the peace she felt when she accepted Christ as her savior. I guess that happened after the moon goddess Diana proved to be such a dud.
Charlie gave a sermon, if you could call it that. He said he'd been thinking a lot about Noah and his family lately, what it must have been like for them those 40 days and 40 nights. As far as they knew, they were the only people left on Earth. Everybody would be descended from them but only if they survived, and they had to trust in God that they would.
"I bet the rabbits weren't worried about that," Charlie said. "They just did what rabbits do. But it's our curse and our blessing to remember the past and to know there's a future."
He reached over, touched Lisa with his right hand and Syl with his left. "Our past is gone," he said. "But our future is in this house right now. Little Gabriel, sleeping peacefully in his crib. The children Syl will bear. Miranda and Julie, too. Their babies, born and unborn, are God's gift to the future, just as the ark was."
Dad squeezed Lisa's hand. Matt squeezed Syl's. I felt very much a part of something and very much alone.
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Alex, Julie, and Jon came in, and Dad and Lisa served us dinner. It was crowded in the kitchen, and we couldn't all fit around the table. Dad, Matt, and Alex ate standing by the sink.We never used to have Sunday dinner. Sunday was for track meets and skating competitions and baseball games. But even with a beef jerky main course, Sunday dinner felt special.
"I should get back to Mom," I said. "I'll walk you home," Alex said.
It felt funny to be outside without needing a coat. It felt funny to be walking with a boy. It felt funny and awful to think in a couple of days I wouldn't see him again. He and Julie would be like all the other people who'd been part of my life and then left me.
"Have you changed your mind?" I asked him. "About Julie staying?"
"No," he said. "Did you think I would?"
I shook my head. "I'm still hoping, though," I said. "And that you'll stay, too."
"We're leaving on Tuesday," he said. "It's better for everybody. There'll be more food for you."
"Thank you for being so noble," I said. "But we'd rather be hungry with you."
Alex laughed. It surprises me every time he does.
Then he surprised me again. "You would have been my dream girl," he said. "Before. Beautiful and smart and funny and kind."
"I don't have to be," I said. "A dream, I mean. I'm here. You're here. Why leave?"
"Because it's best," he said. "Maybe not now, this minute, but for the future."
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"You drive me crazy," I said. "You. Charlie. Everybody. You talk about the future like you're so sure we're going to have one.""You have to believe in the future," Alex said. "Otherwise there's no point being alive."
"That's easy for you to say!" I cried. "You have your faith, your church. But I don't believe like that. Maybe I used to but I don't anymore."
I thought Alex would get angry at me then, but he didn't. "You don't have to believe in the church," he said. "Or even in God. Believe that people can change things."
"No," I said. "I don't kn
ow that anymore." My mind flashed back to the dead man with his dog lying beside him. "We're all helpless," I said. "There's nothing we can do. There's nothing left to trust in."
"Trust in tomorrow," Alex said. "Every day of your life, there's been a tomorrow. I promise you, there'll be a tomorrow."
"Do you trust in tomorrow?" I asked.
"I have to," he said. "For Julie's sake."
"But you don't trust in us," I said. "To look after Julie."
He answered with silence.
"You don't trust in anything, either," I said. "Not really. Your God, your church, your tomorrow. You don't even trust Carlos. You're just doing what he tells you because it's easier."
"That's not true," Alex said. "You don't understand."
"I do understand," I said. "But I don't care. I'm not a dream girl. I'm a real human being with real feelings. How can I trust tomorrow? Tomorrow terrifies me. I wake up every morning scared and I go to bed every night scared, and all those tomorrows I've lived through are exactly the
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same. Hunger and fear and loneliness. Exactly the same as you, as everybody. Only you're worse, because when we ask you to share our hunger and our fear and our loneliness, you turn your back on us. I may be lonely and scared and hungry, but I haven't given up on loving people yet. You have. Or maybe you never loved anyone. Maybe all your life was dreams."Alex grabbed me. I knew he would. I knew he'd kiss me, and he did, and I kissed back. Only it wasn't a dream-girl kiss. It wasn't a kiss of love or even excitement, not the way I've been kissed before.
There was so much anger in his kiss. In mine, too. We shared it, the electric volt, and when we broke away from each other, we were both shaking.
"I'm sorry," he said. "For everything." He gestured wildly, as though he was taking responsibility for the last horrible year of my life.
"It's okay," I said. "It was just a dream."
I walked the rest of the way home alone.
June 19
I was nervous someone would suggest that Alex and I go into town to get our food, but Dad and Jon ended up going instead.Alex and Julie came over this evening to thank us for our hospitality and to say good-bye. Julie looked a wreck and Alex didn't look much better, and when they left, Jon ran to his room and hasn't come out since.
I wish Alex would go already. I wish he would never leave.
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***
Chapter 13 June 20
The first official day of summer.I checked the thermometer and it was close to 60. But then it started to rain, and it never stopped.
Jon spent the day sulking. I did, too. Matt and Syl spent it in their room, but I doubt they were sulking.
I don't know if Alex and Julie left. He was so determined, but the weather was awful.
I could have gone to Dad's to find out, but I didn't want Alex to know I cared. Assuming he's still there. Which he probably isn't, because he's a total idiot who would take his sister out in a hurricane if his big brother told him to.
The last living boy in America can go to hell for all I care. Except I do care, and he's probably already there.
June 21
It's still raining.Charlie dropped over to talk mysteries with Mom. "Alex and Julie haven't left yet," he said. "Julie's developed a bit of a cough. We were wondering if you had any cough medicine around."
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Mom gave Jon what little we have left, and he raced over with it. He didn't come back until after supper.
June 22
The third straight day of rain. Jon says Alex and Julie haven't left yet.My guess is rain or snow, they'll go tomorrow. And I'll be glad. Not for Jon, who'll be heartbroken, or for Julie. Not for Alex, either, because I don't care what he feels.
I'll be glad for me. Once Alex is gone, I'll never have to think of him again. I'll throw him onto the mound of bodies and forget I ever met him.
Why not? He's already forgotten me.
June 23
It stopped raining. The ground is nothing but mud."I don't see how they could possibly go," Mom said to Matt and Jon and me at our rice and beans breakfast. "The convent is ninety miles from here. That's a four-day walk."
"They might be able to pick up bikes on the way," Matt said.
"They still have to find them," Mom said. "And who knows where they'll sleep. They've got to wait for things to dry out before they go."
That was all Jon needed to hear. Off he ran.
"I hope they're gone," Matt said. "The longer they stay, the harder it's going to be on Jon. And I'll be just as glad never to see Alex again."
"Why do you say that?" Mom asked.
"He's a parasite," Matt said. "He's a danger chopping wood. I'm always worried he's going to cut off one of his
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fingers or one of mine. I don't think he's done a day's worth of physical labor in his life. He sits and he reads and he eats our food. Which we'll run out of soon enough anyway.""It's thanks to Alex we have food," I said. "He's the one who found it and figured out how to get it back here. He was the one who made us search the whole house." I pictured the half-eaten man and shuddered.
"It's great you found all that food," Matt said. "But it isn't going to happen again. In the meantime Alex eats what little we have. And I don't like the way he plays up to Dad."
"He doesn't play up to Dad," I said. "Dad loves him. There's a difference."
"Why does Dad love him, then?" Matt said. "It's not because of anything he does."
"I don't know," I said. "But Dad loves Syl, too, and she doesn't do anything, either."
"Miranda," Mom said, but it was too late.
"Don't you ever speak about my wife that way!" Matt shouted. "She's given up everything to be with me!"
"To get your food, you mean!" I shouted right back. "To have a place to sleep and people who wait on her hand and foot!"
We were sitting on the floor around the woodstove. Matt lunged for me.
"Matt, stop it!" Mom screamed, and I think that startled Matt into stopping. I got up and ran out of the sunroom, down the path to Mrs. Nesbitt's.
Matt's my big brother. We used to fight when we were kids. But he always knew when to stop.
This time I don't think he would have known when.
I found Alex standing outside the house, checking the sky, examining the mud. I ran straight into his arms, and
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before I could catch my breath, we were kissing. No rage this time. Just hunger and need."No," he said. At least that's what I think he said. I know I wouldn't have thought it on my own.
"Stay with us," I said. "Don't leave me."
"I have to," he said. "Julie can't stay here. We've got to go."
"But I don't want you to!" I cried like a five-year-old.
Alex kissed me and I didn't feel five anymore. I wasn't a kid having a tantrum because someone took my favorite toy. I was a woman, and this was the man I wanted, and I was losing him.
We held on to each other, not wanting the moment to end, because when it did, our life together would also end. Our kisses grew deeper, our hands explored more, we gave each other all we could in that single passing moment.
June 24
Matt's gone back to chopping wood. He insisted Jon work with him.Mom and I cleaned the house. Charlie dropped by to invite us over for Sunday prayers and dinner.
"How's Julie doing?" Mom asked.
"She's a little better," Charlie said. "The cough medicine seems to have helped. Hal's convinced Alex to stay until Tuesday. Let's hope the weather's better this week."
"I think I'll see how she's doing," I said. "Mom, is there anything I can bring?"
"I don't think so," Mom said. "I gave them the last of our cough medicine."
"Well, I'll check and see, anyway," I said. I didn't even sound convincing to myself.
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When I got there, Lisa was playing with Gabriel. Of course once he saw me, he began crying."He's allergic to me," I said, and Lisa laughed.
"He'
s ready for his nap," she said. "Julie's resting now. Alex is in the parlor, though, if you want to see him."
"I guess so," I said, and walked through the house as casually as I could. All I wanted to do was fling myself into his arms. Alex must have felt the same way because he gestured for me to be quiet. We slipped out the front door and ran far from the house.
"This is wrong," he said as we embraced. "We have to stop."
"Stopping is wrong," I said, kissing him to prove my point.
He pulled away. "Miranda, listen to me," he said. "We can't do this. I'm leaving in two days. I'll never see you again. You have to believe that."
It's funny. That's all I've heard for weeks now, how Alex and Julie will be leaving. Maybe because they talk and talk and talk about it but never actually go, I've stopped believing it.
"What if Julie isn't ready?" I asked. "What if she's still sick next week?"
"She can't be," Alex said. "I have to get her to the sisters while I can. She has to be with people who'll protect her."
"You'll protect her," I said. "We'll protect her. And don't use Carlos as an excuse anymore. He's thousands of miles away. You're here. I'm here. Explain why getting Julie to the convent is more important than you and me. Because I try to understand, Alex. I hear the words, but I don't get the meaning."
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Alex kissed me, and when he held on to me, I felt how reluctant he was to open up, how scared."It's all right," I said. "Just tell me."
He looked straight at me, and once again I could see all the suffering in his eyes. "New York was very bad," he said. "Every day you'd think, Well this is as bad as it can get, and then it got worse. I saw things, I did things, things I never want you to know."
"You could tell me anything," I said, but he interrupted me.
"I love you for thinking that, but you're wrong," he said. "You can't imagine what things were like. Carlos couldn't understand. He got to Texas in the very beginning, and the Marines have fed him, sheltered him, protected him."