Phil: How’s that for a coincidence? Well, what was her reaction?
Alex: Not much of one actually.
Phil: She wasn’t angry?
Alex: No.
Phil: Or jealous?
Alex: No.
Phil: She didn’t beg you not to date other women?
Alex: Nope.
Phil: That’s good then isn’t it? You’ve got a good friend there. One that wants you to move on, meet new people, and find happiness.
Alex: Yeah. That’s good. Good to have a friend like that.
ARIES
You’re still heavily under the influence of Neptune, the planet that brings you your romantic dreams . . .
You have an instant message from: ROSIE
Rosie: You’re right Ruby, star signs are a load of crap.
Ruby: Thattagirl.
CHAPTER 29
To Rosie, Katie, and Greg
You are invited to my 7th birthday praty on November 18th. I am haveing a magicman. He can make aminals out of balloons. He will give you a aminal for keeps.
My party starts at 11 in the morning and there will be lots of candy and then you can go home with your moms and dads.
Thanks.
Love,
Josh
You have an instant message from: KATIE
Katie: I look like a goofball.
Toby: You do not look like a goofball.
Katie: Yes I do.
Toby: No you don’t.
Katie: You don’t even know what a goofball looks like.
Toby: What does it look like then?
Katie: Me.
Toby: It doesn’t.
Katie: How would you know? I look like some sort of futuristic human race that got messed up with robots.
Toby: You don’t.
Katie: Oh my god why is everyone staring at me?
Toby: Katie, we’re sitting in the back row of the classroom, everybody in the entire room has their backs to us. They are NOT staring at you.
Katie: Whatever. I can feel their eyes on me.
Toby: Everyone’s eyes are on their computers. You’re just being paranoid.
Katie: No I’m not.
Toby: Yes you are. Unless they’ve got eyes on the back of their heads.
Katie: My mum does.
Toby: Look, they’re only braces Katie. It’s not the end of the world. Anyway, I know how you feel. When I got my glasses I felt like everyone was staring at me too.
Katie: That’s because they were.
Toby: Oh. Could you do me a favor?
Katie: What.
Toby: Just say sizzling sausages one more time.
Katie: TOBY! That is so not funny. You said you wouldn’t laugh. I’m gonna be stuck with these stupid train tracks for years now, and it’s not my fault they’re giving me a lisp. I’ll even have them for my birthday photos next week.
Toby: Big deal.
Katie: It’s my 13th birthday. I don’t wanna remember myself in photographs when I’m older as being the one with the gigantic two lumps of metal jammed in my mouth. Plus everyone’s coming to the party, people I haven’t seen for absolute yonks and I want to look nice.
Toby: Let me guess, you’ll be trying to look nice in black again.
Katie: Yep.
Toby: You’re so morbid.
Katie: No Toby, I’m sophisticated—the black suits my hair. It says so in my magazines. But you can wear your ratty tatty shorts and T-shirt if you like. No point in changing the habit of a lifetime.
Toby: That’s what my magazines tell me to do.
Katie: No, I no what your filthy magazines tell you to do and it’s not anything to do with dressing. More like undressing.
Toby: So I’m invited anyway.
Katie: Maybe, then again . . . maybe not.
Toby: Katie, I’m going whether you invite me or not. I’m not missing your 13th birthday just because you’re in one of your moods. I just want to see your birthday cake getting all caught up in your braces, oozing out through the cracks in your teeth, and then hitting people on their faces when you speak.
Katie: Whatever. I’ll make sure I speak to you the most then.
Toby: Who’s going anyway?
Katie: Alex, Aunt Steph, Pierre and Jean-Louis, Grandma and Granddad, Ruby, Teddy and her weirdo son that never speaks, Mum of course and a few girls from basketball.
Toby: Well yippee. What about your uncle Kevin?
Katie: Does he ever come to anything? He’s still working in that posh hotel down in Kilkenny. He said he’s sorry he couldn’t come but he sent me a card with a tenner inside.
Toby: Well that’s all you want anyway. What about Greg?
Katie: Nope he’s working in the States for a week. He gave me 13 euro. A euro for every year.
Toby: Cool you’re gonna be rich. Just as well he’s working, I hate when him and Alex are in the same room. It freaks me out.
Katie: I no. It’s even worse when Mum’s in the room because she just spends the entire time running from one to the other like she’s a boxing match referee.
Toby: Alex would kick Greg’s ass if they were in a boxing match.
Katie: Definitely. Mum would kick both their asses if they even dared.
Toby: So is there anyone under the age of 80 coming that’s not on your crappy basketball team.
Katie: Alex is bringing Josh.
Toby: Josh is seven years old Katie.
Katie: Exactly, you’ll have lots in common. Same brain power.
Toby: Oh ha ha metal mouth. Do you think you’ll have any “sizzling cocktail sausages” at your party?
Katie: You’re hilarious Toby. Well I suppose my situation could be a million times worse.
Toby: How?
Katie: I could be stuck wearing glasses for the rest of my life like you
Toby: Hardy har har. I was just thinking, you might not be able to leave the country for the next few years.
Katie: Why?
Toby: Because of the metal detectors at the airports. You could be a real danger to the public. They could be turned into deadly weapons.
Katie: Whatever.
You have an instant message from: ROSIE
Rosie: My baby is going to be a teenager next week.
Ruby: Thank your lucky stars it’s almost over now sweetie.
Rosie: Almost over? Isn’t it just beginning? And if I had any lucky stars they would be well and truly sacked by now. What’s so great about my beautiful baby growing up and become spotty and bitchy while I decay right in front of my very own eyes? The older my child gets, the older I become.
Ruby: Clever discovery there Rosie.
Rosie: But that’s not allowed to happen. Because I haven’t even started my own life yet, never mind bringing another one into this world and helping her through her own. I haven’t actually done anything of substance yet.
Ruby: Some may argue that creating life is of substance. Anything I should bring to the party?
Rosie: Just yourself.
Ruby: Damn it, anything else instead?
Rosie: You’re coming whether you like it or not.
Ruby: Oh alright then. At least Greg won’t be there wrapping a leash around your neck to hold you back from Alex.
Rosie: Yeah I just might be able to hump Alex’s leg in peace this time.
Ruby: Here’s hoping. So what do I get for the teenage girl who wants everything?
Rosie: Straight teeth, magic spot removal cream, Colin Farrell, and an organized mother.
Ruby: Ah, now the organized mother bit I can help out with.
Rosie: Thanks Ruby.
FROM: Alex
TO: Rosie
SUBJECT: Flight Details
My flight is landing at 2:15 p.m. tomorrow. Really looking forward to meeting up with you and Katie again. Will what’s-his-name be there to greet me too?
FROM: Rosie
TO: Alex
SUBJECT: my HUSBAND
His name, my husband
’s name, is Greg. GREG. Get it? And no, he will not be there to collect you because he is away on business. He’s in the States so you two have luckily swapped countries for the next few days. Let’s hope that will be far apart enough for the both of you.
TO MY WONDERFUL DAUGHTER,
YOU’RE A TEENAGER!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY DARLING,
LOTS OF LOVE,
MUM
TO KATIE,
YOU’RE A TEEN TODAY,
HIP HIP HIP HOORAY!
IT’S A JOYOUS DAY,
YOU’RE A TEEN TODAY!
GREG
YOU’RE A GROOVY CHICK!!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY PET,
LOVE YOU LOTS LIKE JELLY TOTS!
LOVE GRANDMA AND GRANDAD
HAPPY BIRTHDAY GLITTER GIRL,
TAKE THIS MONEY AND BUY YOURSELF AN ITEM OF CLOTHING THAT’S NOT BLACK. I DARE YOU.
LOVE RUBY, TEDDY, AND GARY (GRUDGINGLY)
FROM: Katie
TO: Rosie
SUBJECT: Re: Grudgingly
In Ruby’s birthday card, she has signed it—Love Ruby, Teddy, and Gary (grudgingly). What does grudgingly mean?
FROM: Rosie
TO: Katie
SUBJECT: Grudgingly
She wrote that? Honestly, I sometimes think she’s lost the plot completely. It means that Gary was only too delighted to wish you a happy birthday. That’s what it means. Now stop e-mailing me or I’ll be fired.
FOR MY NIECE,
HAPPY 13TH BEAUTIFUL!
BON ANNIVERSAIRE!
LOVE STEPHANIE, PIERRE, & JEAN-LOUIS
TO MY GODDAUGHTER,
HAPPY 13TH YOU LITTLE ADULT!
I’M SO HAPPY TO SHARE THE DAY WITH YOU,
ALL MY LOVE,
ALEX
YOU MAY BE A TEENAGER BUT YOU’RE STILL UGLY.
FROM TOBY
FROM: Kevin
TO: Rosie
SUBJECT: Secret visit!
Kevin here. I can’t get through to your phone so I thought I’d send you an e-mail seeing as that seems to be all you do every day.
Sorry I couldn’t be home for Katie’s birthday, but it’s absolutely crazy here at work. The golf open is being held here this week and all the world’s greatest golfers and their dogs and goldfish have booked in. I’ve been rushed off my feet but they’ll thankfully be gone by the weekend. I seem to keep missing the family do’s. (Or family don’ts)
Anyway the reason I’m e-mailing you is because I can’t believe you kept it a secret from me that you were coming down here for the weekend! Don’t even ask what I was doing checking the reservations but it seems that you have the honeymoon suite booked out for the weekend!
Good ol’ Greg’s a bit flash paying for all that isn’t he? Anyway I’m glad you’re finally coming down to see me. It’s about time. Don’t think I’ve seen you since Christmas. I’ll make sure all the staff treats you extra-specially and I’ll even tell the lads in the kitchen not to spit into your food as an extra treat.
FROM: Rosie
TO: Kevin
SUBJECT: Re: Secret visit!
Sorry my baby brother but it must be another Rosie Dunne. I wish it was me!
FROM: Kevin
TO: Rosie
SUBJECT: Re: Secret Visit
There’s only one Rosie Dunne! No, the booking is actually under Greg’s name. Shit! I hope I haven’t spoiled a surprise. FORGET I said anything. Sorry.
FROM: Rosie
TO: Kevin
SUBJECT: Re: Secret visit!
Don’t worry Kev—what day is the booking for?
FROM: Kevin
TO: Rosie
SUBJECT: Re: Secret visit!
Friday until Monday. Oh please don’t tell him I told you. It was stupid of me to say anything. I should have used my head first. I really shouldn’t have been looking at the reservations anyway. What an idiot Greg is, he should have known I work here.
FROM: Rosie
TO: Kevin
SUBJECT: Re: Secret visit!
And in order for him to know where you work you two would need to have a conversation with each other once in while. Don’t worry! Greg’s away in the States for the week so I’ll be able to hide my excitement from him! I better go shopping for a few outfits, that hotel of yours is very classy!
FROM: Kevin
TO: Rosie
SUBJECT: Re: Secret visit!
Enjoy it and I’ll see you at the weekend. I’ll have a look of pretend shock on my face.
Ruby: I have to admit that I’m shocked. That’s very romantic of him!
Rosie: I know! I’m so excited Ruby. I’ve dreamed of staying in that hotel for years. Oh I bet the little shampoos and shower caps in the bathrooms are just the most beautiful things.
Ruby: Christ Rosie, you could open your own shop with the amount of hotel products you’ve stolen.
Rosie: It’s not stealing. They’re not just there to be looked at. Although, they do seem to be nailing down the hair dryers a lot more these days.
Ruby: Just as well you’re not strong enough to drag the beds out of the rooms.
Rosie: Now that would be too risky. They’d see me at reception. Although the bedsheets I got from the last hotel I stayed in for my birthday are by far my favorite.
Ruby: Rosie, you have a problem. Swiftly moving on, when are you being whisked away to the lap of luxury?
Rosie: Friday. I can’t wait! I completely maxed out my credit card buying a few outfits for the weekend. I’m so pleased that he’s made this effort. Things with me and Greg have reached an all-time high the last while, it’s like we’re back at our honeymoon stage. I am really, really happy.
FROM: Rosie
TO: Greg
SUBJECT: Coming home?
It’s Friday and I was just wondering what time you’ll be home? You must be on the plane because your phone’s going straight to answer machine. Maybe you can reply via your laptop from the clouds!
FROM: Greg
TO: Rosie
SUBJECT: Re: Coming home?
Hi love. I told you I’d be here in the States until Monday. I should be home in the evening sometime. Can I call you from the airport for a lift? Sorry if there was some confusion. I’m sure I told you it was Monday and not Friday. I wish it was today darling, I really do.
How’s Katie after her first wild teenage party? I haven’t heard from her. I thought she might have thanked me for the present by now.
FROM: Rosie
TO: Kevin
SUBJECT: This weekend?
Do you think you could be mistaken about that booking for this weekend?
FROM: Kevin
TO: Rosie
SUBJECT: Re: This weekend?
It’s definitely correct Rosie. Greg checked in this morning. Aren’t you here?
FROM: Katie
TO: Greg
SUBJECT: My present
Hope you are having a good time in America and that you’re not working too hard. I grudgingly thank you for my birthday present. You will be pleased to know I bought a black sweater with the money. See you when you get home.
CHAPTER 30
FROM: Rosie
TO: Alex
SUBJECT: What’s-his-name
What’s-his-name is gone. For good.
FROM: Alex
TO: Rosie
SUBJECT: Re: What’s-his-name
I’ll book flights for you and Katie to come over here immediately. I’ll let you know the details within the next hour. Don’t worry.
FROM: Rosie
TO: Alex
SUBJECT: Please wait
Just give me a little time before you book those flights. There are a few things I want to tie up here before I leave. And once I go over to you in Boston I’m never coming back here. Just please wait for me.
Hi, it’s me, Alex.
Look I’m really sorry but I’m not going to be able to make it out for dinner tonight. I’m sorry to tell you in a letter but it’s the best way I no how. Y
ou’re a wonderful, intelligent woman but my heart lies with someone else. It has done so for many, many years. I hope that when we meet we can remain friends at least.
Take care,
Alex
CHAPTER 31
Dear Bill Lake,
It is with great sadness that I submit my resignation. I will remain working in the Two Lakes Hotel for the next two weeks as I’m contracted to do so.
On a more personal level, I would like to thank you for seven great years of allowing me to work in your company. It was an honor.
Yours sincerely,
Rosie Dunne
FROM: Toby
TO: Katie
SUBJECT: Disaster!
YOU WHAT?? You CAN’T be moving away, this is awful! Ask your mum if it’s OK for you to stay with me for a while. I’ll ask my mum and dad too. They’ll definitely say yes. You can’t leave.
What about school?
What about the basketball team?
What about wanting to DJ for Club Sauce?
What about your grandparents? You can’t just leave them. They’re old.
What about your mum’s job and the house and everything? You can’t just leave it all behind.
What about me?
FROM: Katie
TO: Toby
SUBJECT: Re: Disaster!
I can’t change her mind. I can’t stop crying. This is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me in my whole entire life. I don’t even want to go to Boston. What’s so good about Boston? I don’t wanna make new friends. I don’t want anything “new.”