Oh I hate Greg so much. You no he hasn’t even come home because he’s so afraid of Mum. She’s scary she’s so mad. I’m even afraid to talk to her sometimes. She screams down the phone at him like a crazy woman. No wonder he’s not coming home. She said that if he did, she’d cut off his you no what. I’m kinda hoping he’ll come home just for that.
It’s all his fault. It’s all his fault we have to move away. It’s all his fault Mum is upset. I hate him, I hate him, I hate him.
At least Alex and Josh are in Boston. That’s something. I think we’re gonna stay with them for a while. So we’re really going Toby. She’s not just threatening. She told Greg she couldn’t stand to be in the same country as him never mind the same house. I suppose I no how she feels. I feel sorry for her but I really don’t want to go. I just cried all night Toby. It’s so unfair.
Grandma and Granddad keep trying to talk her out of it. We’re staying with them tonight because Mum can’t stand to be at home. Every time she touches something of Greg’s she shudders and wipes her hands. Ruby keeps telling Mum to go because it’s where her heart is or something. It’s the first time I’ve ever seen Ruby cry. I didn’t think she knew how to. Mum’s cries down the phone to Stephanie for hours every day. Last night I could hear her throwing up in the toilet for ages so I got up and made her a cup of tea. She stopped for a while. She slept in my bed last night. It’s only a single bed and we were kind of squashed but it was sort of nice. She squeezed me like I was a teddy.
Mum has started packing her bags now. She’s gonna help me do mine in a while. She says she’s sorry about moving me to Boston and I believe her. I don’t blame her because she’s so sad. It’s Greg’s fault but I haven’t really seen him do much to make her feel better.
Mum said you can visit us all the time. Promise me you will. You may annoy the hell out of me Toby, but you’re my best friend in the whole entire world and I’ll miss you so much. Even if you are a boy.
We can write to each other all the time. That’s what Mum and Alex did when they were younger and he had to move away.
Love,
Katie
You have an instant message from: RUBY
Ruby: So you’re leaving in two weeks.
Rosie: Yep.
Ruby: You’re doing the right thing you know.
Rosie: Funny. You’re the only one who seems to think that.
Ruby: I’m the only one who knows how you feel about him.
Rosie: Oh no, I’m not in the mood to go jumping into another relationship right now. I don’t have the energy. At the moment my heart feels like it’s been ripped out of my chest and tap-danced on. I hate all men right now.
Ruby: Including Alex?
Rosie: Right now including Alex, my father, George the lollipop man, and my brother for telling me.
Ruby: You would have wanted to know though.
Rosie: I know and I’m not blaming him. He hadn’t a clue Greg was messing around. Again. The lying little . . . aaaah! I just feel like punching the shit out of him. I don’t think I’ve ever been so angry in my life. The first time he did this I was hurt, now I am just plain pissed off. I can’t wait to get out of this country. I’m glad Kevin told me because I will be the fool no longer.
Ruby: I heard Kevin’s in trouble at work. Is it for checking the reservations?
Rosie: No it’s for marching through the hotel restaurant during dinner and punching Greg in the nose in front of his lady friend and the rest of the hotel guests.
Ruby: Good for him. I hope he broke his nose.
Rosie: He did. That’s what he’s in trouble for.
Ruby: So who am I going to go to salsa lessons with now?
Rosie: I’m sure Miss Behave will be only too delighted to be your partner.
Ruby: I finally get to dance with a man and he wears tights. Oh I’ll miss you so much Rosie Dunne. It’s not often in life a woman finds a friend like you.
Rosie: And I you, Ruby, but as much as Greg has hurt me, he’s given me an opportunity to start from fresh. I’ll be free of him and I’m stronger from it.
I’m leaving next week Greg. Don’t try to contact me, don’t try to visit me, I want nothing more to do with you. You have betrayed me at a time just as I had learned to fall in love with you all over again. This won’t be happening again. You have thrown it all away but I thank you for it. Thank you for letting me see what it is I married and for freeing me from you.
Whether Katie wants to continue seeing you is completely her decision. You can work it out with her yourself. Accept her decision.
So long, shithead.
Alex: You were right Phil. She’s coming over to me. I just had to leave it and let her come at her own pace.
Phil: Lucky for me I was right! It was a good guess, wasn’t it?! So did she tell you that she loves you, that she never should have married that idiot, and that she only wants to be with you and all that other stuff that they say in the movies?
Alex: No.
Phil: She didn’t tell you she loves you?
Alex: No.
Phil: Did you tell her?
Alex: No.
Phil: Then what’s she going over for?
Alex: She just said that she wanted to get out of Dublin and that she needed a change of scenery and a friendly face.
Phil: Oh.
Alex: What do you think that means?
Phil: Probably exactly what it says, so you’ve no idea how she feels about you?
Alex: No. Phil, her marriage has just ended, there’s plenty of time when she comes over here to talk about our future.
Phil: Whatever you say bro. Whatever you say.
FROM: Alex
TO: Rosie
SUBJECT: You and Katie
I’m so excited that you’ll be here so soon. Josh is practically running up the walls with excitement. He loves Katie and is delighted about your decision to come live with us for a while. I’ve a friend who has a friend who owns a hotel and as far as I no, they are looking for a manager. You are more than qualified for the job.
I can help you through this Rosie, remember I’ve been in your shoes. I no how it feels to go through a marriage breakup. I’m here for you one hundred percent. Moving to Boston may be thirteen years later than you planned but it’s better late than never. Josh and I will be here waiting. See you next week.
YOU’RE MOVING AWAY!
GOOD LUCK ROSIE, WE’LL ALL MISS YOU HERE AT THE TWO LAKES,
FROM BILL, BOB, TANIA, STEVEN, GEOFFREY, FIONA, TABETHA, HENRY, AND GRACE
SNIFF, SNIFF
I’LL MISS YOU ROSIE DUNNE.
GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR NEW LIFE. SEND US AN E-MAIL EVERY NOW AND AGAIN.
LOTS OF LOVE,
RUBY
YOU GO GIRL!
LOVE, MISS BEHAVE
Rosie and Katie,
We are so sorry that you feel you have to go. We are so sorry that you have reason to go. We are so sorry this has happened. We will miss you both so, so much but we hope you can both find eternal happiness. No more tears for our two girls. Let the world be good to you. Phone us when you land.
Love, Mum and Dad
GOOD LUCK WITH THE MOVE. MY FINGERS ARE CROSSED FOR YOU AND KATIE. WE’RE ALL HERE FOR YOU IF YOU NEED US.
LOVE,
STEPHANIE, PIERRE, AND JEAN-LOUIS
SORRY YOU HAD TO GO. GOOD LUCK.
KEV
KATIE,
GOOD LUCK IN YOUR NEW HOME. I’LL MISS YOU.
LOVE,
TOBY
Dear Mum and Dad,
It’s not like I’m disappearing forever, we’re only a few hours away. You can visit all the time! We love you so much and thank you for your constant support. This time we need to find the way by ourselves.
Lots of Love,
Rosie & Katie
CHAPTER 32
Dear Rosie,
Before you rip this up please just give me a chance to explain.
Firstly, I sincerely apologize from the botto
m of my heart for the years gone by. For not being there for you, for not supporting you and giving you the help you deserved. I am filled with regret and disappointment with myself for the way I have behaved and chosen to live my life. I know there is nothing I can do to change or make better the years I acted so foolishly and mistreated the two of you.
But please at least give me a chance to build a better future, to make right what’s wrong. I can understand how you must feel so angry, betrayed, and hurt and you must hate me so much but there’s not just yourself to think of. I look back on my life and I wonder what have I to show for all these years. I haven’t done many things in my life that I’m proud of. I have no stories of success to tell, I haven’t made a million. There is only one thing in this life that I’m proud of.
And that’s my little girl.
The fact that I have a little girl, who isn’t even “little” anymore. I’m not proud of the way I’ve treated her. I woke up one morning a few weeks ago on my thirty-third birthday and suddenly it was as if all the sense that’s been missing for the past thirty-three years came to me in an instant. I realized I had a daughter, a teenage daughter who I know nothing of and who knows nothing of me. I would love the chance to get to know her. I’m told that her name is Katie. That’s a nice name. I wonder what she looks like. Does she look like me?
I know I haven’t shown any signs of deserving this, but if you and Katie are willing to let me into your lives I can prove to you it won’t be a waste of time. Katie will meet her father and I will see my daughter, how could that ever be considered a waste? Please help me fulfill my dreams.
Please contact me, Rosie. Give me a chance to undo all the mistakes of my past and to help create a new future for Katie and me.
Best wishes,
Brian
Rosie: No no no no no no no no no
Ruby: I know honey, I understand. But at least just look at the other options.
Rosie: Options? BLOODY OPTIONS? I have none. NONE! I have to go. Staying here is not an option.
Ruby: Rosie, calm down. You’re upset.
Rosie: Too right, I’m upset! How on earth am I supposed to try and get my life together when everyone around me keeps fucking it up? When is it my turn to live my life for me instead of for everyone else? I’m sick of it Ruby, I’m fed up. I have had enough. I’m bloody going. Who is this man? Where the hell has he been for the past thirteen years? Where did he disappear to for the most important years of Katie’s life, or my life for that matter?
Who stayed up all night breast-feeding, pacing the halls and singing fucking lullabies so the constant screaming would stop? Who changed shitty nappies, wiped snotty noses and cleaned sick from their clothes every day? Who’s got stretch marks and scars, saggy tits, and gray hairs at the age of thirty-two? Who went to parent teacher meetings, brought and collected her from school, made dinner, put food on the table, paid the rent, went to work, helped with homework, gave advice, wiped tears, explained the birds and the bees, explained why Daddy wasn’t around unlike most of the other kids’ daddies? Who stayed up all night and worried when she was sick, taking temperatures and buying medicine, making trips to the doctor or the hospital in the middle of the night? Who missed going to college, took days off work and stayed home at the weekend to care for her? Fucking me, that’s who. Where was the bastard then?
And he has the cheek to stroll back into our lives after thirteen years when all the hard work has been done, with a little shrug of the shoulders and a pathetic little sorry, just after my husband cheats on me, my marriage is over, I finally decide to move to Boston where I should have been anyway had it not been for that sly little prick ruining my plans, turning my life upside down, and legging it off to another country with his dick between his legs.
Fuck him.
This time it’s about me. Rosie Dunne and no one else.
Ruby: But Rosie you’re wrong. It’s about Katie too. She needs to know he wants to see her. Don’t punish her for the mistakes in your own life.
Rosie: But if I tell her, then she’s going to want to see him. She’ll be so excited to meet him and he’ll probably let her down again and break her heart all over again. And who’ll be the one who cleans up the mess? Me. I’ll be the one who tries to mend my daughter’s broken heart, I’ll have to pick up the pieces and wipe away the tears. Who’s going to have to put on the happy face, shrug, and say, “Ah well, don’t worry my thirteen-year-old daughter, not all men are shits—just all the ones you’ve ever known.”
Ruby: But Rosie, it could turn out really well. He may have really changed. You never know.
Rosie: You’re right, you never know. EVER. And another thing, how can she get to know her father when we’re halfway across the other side of the world? I don’t want to stay here Ruby. I want out. I want out of this entire mess of a life.
Ruby: It’s not a mess Rosie. Life is far from perfect, for everyone. You’re not the only one, there isn’t a great big black cloud just hanging over your head and no one else’s. It just feels that way. But it feels like that for a lot of people. You just have to make the most of what you’ve got and you are lucky because you have a beautiful daughter who is healthy, intelligent, and funny and who thinks the world of you. Don’t lose sight of that. If Katie wants to get to know Brian then you should support her. You can still move away, he can come to see you—or if you think it’s important enough to stay for, stay.
Rosie: Katie is going to want to stay.
Ruby: Well that part is your choice and your choice alone, you’re the mother. It’s only five hours away anyway. Airplanes were invented for fathers like Brian the Whine.
Rosie: Last month, I thought I was living in paradise. Life changed in an instant.
Ruby: Well that’s the problem with paradise—nothing attracts a serpent quite like it.
Dear Stephanie,
Congratulations on the pregnancy! I’m thrilled for you and Pierre, I’m sure baby number two will be a joy as Jean-Louis has been. I’m assuming Mum has told you the news. She’s delighted I’m not moving to America anymore. Alex isn’t. He cursed and swore and screamed every bad word under the sun at me. He thinks I’m giving in again and letting everyone walk all over me so now he’s in a huff and won’t speak to me. I may have let people walk all over me before but not this time. Katie is number one in my life and my reason for being is to ensure she gets the best chance at happiness possible.
She’s had to go through a lot lately, with Greg, having to move back in with Mum and Dad and then preparing to move again to America. She’s been under a lot of stress. Stress that she shouldn’t have had to go through. She’s supposed to be worrying about spots, bras, and boys. Not adultery, moving continents, and fathers doing magic reappearing acts. None of this is her fault and seeing as I brought her into this world the least I could do is continue on with the good work I’ve been doing. She isn’t a drug addict, isn’t rude, is doing fine in school, has all the right limbs in all the right places, and hasn’t managed to do anything really stupid with her life. And out of all the awful stories you hear in life I think I’m doing a great job.
I’m expecting Alex to burst through the door any minute. I’m sure he has hopped on the first plane to get over here and beat up Brian. I suppose that’s what best friends are for. I can’t even think about what life “could have been” like in Boston, without crying. It’s like deja-vu, I don’t think me and Boston were ever meant to be. I don’t quite know where I should go from here. I have no job, no home, and I’m back living with Mum and Dad again. As much as I’m grateful, everything about this house brings back a time when I wasn’t happy. I had a wonderful childhood but the years with Katie were so difficult, they’re the strongest memories I have of this house—the smells, the noises, the wallpaper, the bedrooms all remind me of late nights, early mornings, and worrying.
Anyway forgive me for not being in contact over the past while, but I’ve been trying to get my head around all of this. I’m tryi
ng to make some sense out of the phrase “Everything happens for a reason,” and I think I’ve figured out what the reason is—to piss me off.
When I started school I thought that people in sixth class were so old and knowledgeable even though they were no older than twelve. When I reached twelve I reckoned the people in sixth year, at eighteen years of age, must have known it all. When I reached eighteen I thought that once I finished college then I would really be mature. At twenty-five I still hadn’t made it to college, was still clueless and had a seven-year-old daughter. I was convinced that when I reached my thirties I was going to have at least some clue as to what was going on.
Nope, hasn’t happened yet.
So I’m beginning to think that when I’m fifty, sixty, seventy, eighty, ninety years old I still won’t be any closer to being wise and knowledgeable. Perhaps people on their deathbed, who have had long, long lives, seen it all, traveled the world, have had kids, been through their own personal traumas, beaten their demons, and learned the harsh lessons of life will be thinking, “God, people in heaven must really know it all.”
But I bet that when they finally do die they’ll join the rest of the crowds up there, sit around, spying on the loved ones they left behind and still be thinking that in their next lifetime, they’ll have it all sussed.
But I think I have it sussed Steph, I’ve sat around for years thinking about it and I’ve discovered that no one, not even the big man upstairs has the slightest clue as to what’s going on.
Rosie
FROM: Stephanie
TO: Rosie
SUBJECT: Re: Life
Well isn’t that one thing you’re all the more wise for? Age has taught you something. It seems to me that you know the big secret. That nobody knows what’s going on.