Mum laughed when he reminded her. She wouldn’t tell me where u and her went. Where did u go?
Oh here he is now—have 2 go.
Katie: Cool isn’t he Toby?
Toby: Yeah
Katie: When I finish school I’ll be able to move over to Spain and work as a DJ in his club. It’s so perfect. It all fits in with my master plan.
Toby: Did he say you could work in his club?
Katie: No, but he’s hardly gonna say no is he?
Toby: Dunno. What’s his club called?
Katie: Dyma Nite Club. Cool isn’t it?
Toby: Yeah.
Katie: You can come too if you want.
Toby: Thanks. Would you want to live in Spain?
Katie: To start off with I would yeah. First I’d get the experience in his club and then I could travel the world and work in loads of different clubs in each country. Imagine being able to play and listen to music for a living. It sounds like heaven.
Toby: You need to get decks then don’t you?
Katie: Yeah. My dad said he’d get them for me. He’s got loads of friends who are DJs and they can get all the best gear for cheaper than the shops. Cool isn’t it?
Toby: Yeah. It’s weird—you calling him Dad.
Katie: Yeah I no. I don’t really say it to him though, just to other people. It feels odd. I’ll get used to it though.
Toby: Yeah I suppose. Have you heard from Greg?
Katie: No. Why?
Toby: Don’t tell your mum but me and my mum and dad went out for Chinese last night and he was there with some woman. He got all embarrassed when he saw me and tried to be all nice and friendly by calling me over to the table and stuff.
Katie: Oh my god. What did you say to him?
Toby: Nothing. I ignored him. I walked straight past their table.
Katie: Good. Serves him right. Did your mum and dad go mental?
Toby: No. Mum winked at me and Dad pretended he didn’t see Greg.
Katie: Who was he with?
Toby: Who, my dad?
Katie: No you stupid. What’s-his-name.
Toby: Some blonde.
Katie: Did you no her?
Toby: No
Katie: Oh. Poor Mum.
Toby: Don’t tell her. Has she got a job yet?
Katie: No but she’s been going to interviews every day. She’s been in the worst moods EVER lately banging around the house like the anti-Christ. Granddad says that’s the way I’m supposed to be now that I’m thirteen. She’s such a grump.
Toby: Are you going to the orthodontist guy soon?
Katie: Yeah Granddad is taking me tomorrow, my brace broke again. Why?
Toby: Can I go with you?
Katie: Why do you always want to come? I’ve got blisters all on the inside of my mouth and he hacks away at me while you sit there sucking lollipops.
Toby: I like going. I bet you had cornflakes for breakfast this morning.
Katie: What are you, psychic?
Toby: No it’s all stuck in your braces.
Katie: Oh get a life Toby.
Toby: I have one. So can I go tomorrow?
Katie: What is your obsession with braces you weirdo?
Toby: They’re just interesting.
Katie: Yeah about as interesting as this geography test. So come on, what’s the answer for number 5? Is the capital of Australia Sydney?
Toby: Yeah Katie, it is.
Dear Ms. Rosie Dunne,
We are pleased to offer you the position you recently applied for. The salary is €25,000 and we would expect you to start in August. Please reply to us as soon as possible with your decision and contact Jessica at the phone number below.
CHAPTER 34
You have an instant message from: RUBY
Ruby: Praise the lord for he is a miracle worker! I love my son, he is perfect, an absolute genius!
Rosie: There’s a turnaround for the books!
Ruby: Well you would agree if, like me, you had just witnessed the rebirth of Fred Astaire. Not only am I in a great deal of pain from dancing like I have never danced before but I am shocked to the very core! There is no possible way in this world that I could coherently communicate to you through the use of the English language exactly how good my Gary is. Did I mention to you at any stage in our lives that I have always loved my son and that he is god’s gift to salsa dancing and finally not to salsa sauce!
Anyway as soon as the music started, magic happened!
I mean, Ricardo didn’t exactly go easy on him even though it was his first day. He said, “Rub-ee, zis is ze advanceda classa, Gar-ee vill just have to try to keep up.” And my lord, my Gary kept up so much I almost passed out. Ricardo even put on 1, 2, 3 Maria by Azuquita and you know Rosie—it’s fast. So fast it had you and me in a slump on the floor halfway through, watching cartoon stars and birdies circle our heads. The way Gary moved was incredible, and he’s a big lad as you well know. He looked so graceful, spinning and twirling around the floor with his sweat glistening like a . . . solar system.
At the end of class Ricardo called me and Gary up to him and said Gary was a star in the making and that he and I made a great team. Who would have thought a lorry driver from inner city Dublin would be a salsa dancing god! Teddy wasn’t too impressed when I shared the good news. Well I was so excited when I got home that I just blurted it out but I didn’t realize that Teddy’s fellow truck driving union friends were in the room having a “beer and porn night” and they were all equally unimpressed. Teddy went even redder in the face than usual and ranted and raved about all male dancers being gay and that I shouldn’t be influencing Gary to fancy boys. I told him I was trying to help him come out of his shell a bit not to literally “come out.” But the lads wouldn’t understand, they think crashing beer cans against their heads, farting (then sniffing the air and laughing), screaming at the football players on TV (as if they would do any better themselves if they got on that pitch), commenting on all the overweight women on TV (like they don’t have big beer bellies and haven’t let themselves go ten years ago), calling me every ten minutes to serve them more cans of beer (of the fifty cent per dozen variety), and then having the audacity to lecture me on what makes a real man. The lazy selfish bastards—
Rosie: Whoa, whoa, whoa Ruby we seemed to have gotten a bit sidetracked here. How did poor Gary feel when Teddy and co. had a go at him?
Ruby: Well the poor lad was so embarrassed that he stormed out of the room, stomped up the stairs, and slammed his bedroom door shut.
Rosie: Oh dear, poor Gary. I hope Teddy apologized.
Ruby: Are you demented? Of course he didn’t. Gary’s display only further showed how “gay” he was becoming according to Teddy and co. by pulling a “woman’s strop.” But who cares what they think? So move over Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers, Ruby and Gary Minnelli are coming through!
Rosie: Minnelli??
Ruby: It’s far more superstar-like. Ricardo said he could train us both for competitions. We could even get to travel the world if we’re good enough. For someone that considers walking to the end of her garden an adventure, being able to travel would be a real dream. That’s if we’re good enough of course.
Rosie: Ruby that’s terrific news. How does Gary feel about all this?
Ruby: Oh it’s not important; he’ll soon come around to my way of thinking.
Rosie: What will Miss Behave say when she finds out she has been replaced?
Ruby: I know, I was worried about that; you know how jealous she gets when I even look at other men.
Rosie: I’m glad that you and Gary have found something you can do together. I think it’s important, no matter how short-lived it may be.
Ruby: Oh don’t be fooled by Gary’s lack of enthusiasm, this wonderful moment in my life will not be short-lived. I’m bringing Gary all the way with me to the World Salsa Dancing Championships in Miami. You know you need to look beyond the four walls of St. Patrick’s School Hall. See the possib
ilities, smell the success in the air, taste the rewards.
Rosie: Have you been watching Oprah again?
Ruby: Yeah that “Remembering your spirit” part gets to me every time. Maybe Gary and I can be on it someday talking about how we came from nothing to salsa dancing millionaires just by believing.
Rosie: Oh don’t talk to me about remembering my spirit, all I can think of is the bottle of wine I knocked back last night.
Ruby: Not that kind of spirit you fool . . . Any word on the job front?
Rosie: Well yes actually, I received a job offer in the post yesterday.
Ruby: Terrific! It’s about time. Is it the one you wanted or the one you didn’t want?
Rosie: You’ve known me all these years and you even had to ask that question?
Ruby: Oh silly me, it’s the one you didn’t want. Of course.
Rosie: Well actually it was neither of the above, it’s the one I really, really, really didn’t want and would only accept it if it was the last job in Dublin, if I was being thrown out of Mum and Dad’s house on my bum, and if Katie and I were so desperate for food we had to lick stamps.
Dear Mr. and Mrs. Dunne,
Hyland & Moore Auctioneers received your request and we would be more than pleased to act on your behalf for the sale of your home. Thank you for choosing Hyland & Moore to represent you.
Yours sincerely,
Thomas Hyland
You have received an instant message from: ROSIE
Rosie: Hi it’s me.
Rosie: Helloooo?
Rosie: I know you’re there. I can see that you’ve logged online.
Alex: Who is this?!
Rosie: Oh ha ha you’re so funny, what is this? Let’s annoy Rosie day?! Tough luck I am spilling the beans and sharing the sob story of my miserable little life with you whether you like it or not. OK here I go.
I was offered a job. But I turned it down because I didn’t think I was desperate enough to have to accept it. It turns out I was wrong. Suddenly Mum and Dad tell me that they’re putting the house on the market the very next day and before my brain has a chance to register what they’re saying, people start trampling in and out of the house, nosying through my bedroom, complaining about the interiors, laughing at the wallpaper, turning their nose up at the carpets, talking about which walls they’d knock down, which wardrobes they’d rip out, and which of my cuddly childhood teddies they would like to burn in a bonfire in the back garden while they danced around it hollering, with strips of animal blood on their faces. (OK so they didn’t say that.) So then a couple put in an offer of full asking price, can you believe, after only seeing it once! Mum and Dad thought about it for approximately twenty seconds and then said yes!
Alex: No!
Rosie: Yes! Apparently the woman is eight months pregnant and they’re living in a really small flat and they need to move house really quickly before the baby is born and has to bathe in the sink and play on the balcony.
Alex: No!
Rosie: Yes! Mum and Dad were really apologetic and everything but I don’t blame them because it’s their life after all and frankly they should have had to stop worrying about me the minute I moved out. So all within a matter of days they’ve sold the house, everything has been boxed up, they bought a house for practically next to nothing in Connemara. The furniture is being auctioned off tomorrow (apart from the pieces I managed to grab), the rest of the stuff is being delivered to the house tomorrow (which is hours away). Mum and Dad have already bought tickets to go on a cruise for two months and they’re leaving on Monday.
Alex: No!
Rosie: Yes! This means that I had to call back the people who offered me the job that I already turned down not too politely I might add, I had to apologize profusely and try to convince them that I really wanted the job after all. They were really pissed off and said they didn’t need me until August. So today Katie spent the day with Brian while I went emergency house hunting.
Alex: No!
Rosie: Yes! Everywhere that was in any way affordable was absolutely disgusting. The apartments were still either too expensive, too small, or too far from my job and Katie’s school. So Mum and Dad were discussing my personal problems (as they generally do) with the young sickeningly happy couple who are about to embark on blissful family life while butchering my childhood home. And because Mum and Dad had been so speedy and understanding about the whole “moving out in a few days” scenario they suggested that I move into the flat they just moved out of and had decided to rent out. And they also said they would lower the rent for me.
Alex: No!
Rosie: Yes! But the only thing is that they have already rented the place out for two weeks to a group of male students so I have to wait until they move out. By which time it will no doubt be disgustingly smelly and dirty.
Alex: No!
Rosie: Yes! So who do I stay with while I wait, I hear you ask? Well let’s see, Mum and Dad have moved to Connemara as you now know. Kev lives in the staff quarters of the Two Lakes Hotel in Kilkenny, Steph lives in France, Ruby only has two bedrooms and no space for me and Katie, and you’re in Boston which isn’t convenient commuting for me. So who is the only other human being in Dublin that I know right now? (And don’t even think of what’s-his-name.)
None other than Brian the Whine.
Alex: No!
Rosie: Yes! I am afraid so. I am e-mailing you from the storeroom of Brian the Whine’s rented flat where I have to stay for two weeks. How much lower can I go? And that’s not even my worst news. I haven’t even told you who my new boss is.
None other than Ms. Big Nose Smelly Breath Casey.
Alex: No!
Rosie: Yes! I am now secretary to the woman we most hated while growing up, the woman who made my daughter’s life hell while in school, and who is now principal of St. Patrick’s Primary School and my boss. I have momentarily rambled off the road of reason to find a bush to pee behind but I will soon find my way back again. If it’s the last thing I do. Why on earth Ms. Big Nose Smelly Breath Casey even hired me is completely beyond me but she has and until I find another job in a hotel I won’t complain or ask questions. Perhaps she just wants to make my life a misery well into my adult life and until I’m an elderly woman. And speaking of the elderly, she was old when I was five years old for Christ sake, and she’s still old. The woman has nine lives.
So what do you think of all that? Any messages you want me to pass on to your favorite teacher?
Rosie: Hello, Alex?
Rosie: Alex?
Alex: Em . . . sorry Alex isn’t actually online.
Rosie: Oh ha ha. Well then how is his name on my screen and I am typing to him?
Alex: Oh you’re not. I logged on using his home computer. I guess his name automatically comes up on your system. I’ve never come across this little system, it’s fun. Sorry I didn’t know you were looking for him.
Rosie: What?? You think I just rant about my private life to all strangers on the computer??? Who is this?
Alex: Bethany.
Rosie: Bethany?
Alex: Bethany Williams? Remember me?
Rosie: What the hell are you doing on Alex’s home computer?!
Alex: Oh I’m sorry it all makes sense now. Alex didn’t tell you, did he? I thought you two told each other everything. I’ll be sure to pass on all your little messages to him though, they were very amusing. Good luck with the new job Rosie; I’ll let Alex explain this one to you.
By the way, Alex is working with my father now, he’s making good money. Doing very well for himself. Perhaps if you’re that stuck for money he could give you a loan.
Rosie has logged off
CHAPTER 35
Welcome to the Relieved Divorced Dubliners internet chat room
There are currently five people chatting
Buttercup has joined the room
Divorced_1: Screw him, screw’m, screw’m, screw’m!
Buttercup: Hello everyone.
Wildflo
wer: Wahooooo! You tell her Divorced_1!
UnsureOne: I know Divorced_1 but that’s the problem now isn’t it? I can’t “screw him” anymore, he’s gone. I should never have let him leave; oh it’s all my fault.
Buttercup: Em . . . hello everyone, is this working, can you all read what I’m writing?
Divorced_1: Oh shut up UnsureOne, I’m sick of listening to you moaning night after night. How is it your fault? Did you drag him into the car and drive him to the hotel room? Did you pull his pants down around his ankles and push him on top of her on the bed?
UnsureOne: Oh please stop Divorced_1! Stop! Stop! Stop! No I didn’t!
LonelyLady: Oh leave her alone, there’s no need to be so graphic.
Divorced_1: Look I’m only trying to help. If you didn’t do all those things then how on earth is it your fault?
Buttercup: Oh I’m not sure this is working, hello? Hello? Hello? Stupid bloody computer. Can anyone answer me?
UnsureOne: Well you know, maybe I inadvertently put him under pressure to do better at his job. You know how things are so expensive these days and the kids always want more, more, more. Well they were going back to school and the uniforms and books are always so expensive and I kept telling him we needed more money because it was tight and I’m not sure but maybe it was my fault, you know?
LonelyLady: Oh please Unsure . . .
Wildflower: Oh I have heard quite enough for one night . . .
Divorced_1: Look just forget about him. He’s a bastard and that’s all there is to it. Screw’m.
Buttercup: Well not that anyone cares, but there was only one kind of job your husband was thinking of that night and it didn’t involve a day at the office.
Wildflower: Wahoooo! Welcome Buttercup!
Divorced_1: You’re right Buttercup, screw’m.