Hi,
My sincerest apologies for that ridiculous note I sent you last week. Just put it down to a momentary lapse in concentration, I’m a complete fool (as you’re already aware) and I have absolutely no idea what I was thinking. But you’ll be pleased to no (I hope) that I’ve landed back on earth with a thump and I’m willing and able to give us another go. So let’s not waste any more of our valuable time and let’s get down to the important stuff. Are we back on for tonight?
Alex
CHAPTER 33
You have an instant message from: RUBY
Ruby: So you’re still here then.
Rosie: Oh not today Ruby, please. I’m really not in the mood.
Ruby: I’m getting rather tired of you Rosie Dunne. First you say you’re moving to Cork, then you don’t, then you say you’re moving to Boston (again) and then you don’t. Then I expect you to finally profess your love to Alex and you don’t, so he still has absolutely no idea. I can’t keep up with you and your “leaving the country/changing jobs/leaving your husband”-type activities. Sometimes I think you just need a good kick up the behind for wasting all these good opportunities. You’re an incredibly frustrating person Rosie.
Rosie: Well I’m an incredibly frustrated woman right now. And I’m not “wasting” good opportunities; it’s called “presenting my daughter with new ones.”
Ruby: You can put whatever name you like on it but at the end of the day a missed opportunity is a missed opportunity. But don’t worry; I think there’s a lesson to be learned in all this.
Rosie: Well please tell me there is some sort of reason for all this. What’s the lesson?
Ruby: That you needn’t bother trying anymore, because you’re going nowhere. So really, how are you?
Rosie: OK.
Ruby: Are you sure? Oh come on Rosie, if my heart can’t take what’s happening to you then I can’t imagine how you must be feeling.
Rosie: Oh my heart is broken, stopped beating two weeks ago.
Ruby: Well it’s a good thing you know a man who can heal them.
Rosie: No, no, no, it’s the unspoken rule. He heals other people’s hearts, not mine.
Ruby: Here’s an idea, Rosie. Why don’t you just tell Alex how you feel? Why don’t you just finally get all of those feelings out in the open, and clear your messed-up little head? At least then, he’ll know that you’re not going over not because you don’t care about him, but that in fact you love him, more than he knows, but that you need to stay here for Katie. Then that will put the ball in his court. He can make the decision whether to come to you or not.
Rosie: But what about his job? And what about Josh?
Ruby: That’s his decision.
Rosie: Ruby I can’t. How do I tell him? Over the phone? In a letter, an e-mail, or an instant message? I can’t do that. If we had moved over to Boston I could have sussed things out a little, seen how he felt about me, and then tell him. He was just out on a date last week for Christ sake, how stupid would I look telling him I love him when he’s seeing someone? It’ll just be the whole Sally situation all over again. It’s too complicated and right now the last thing I’m worried about is which man to fall in love with next. Anyway he’s not even returning my calls.
Ruby: Just give him time, he’s disappointed how things worked out.
Rosie: I’m sorry, he’s disappointed? He’s disappointed? I think me and the rest of the world seem to be having a communication problem here—does everyone think that I’m ecstatic by these new revelations? I mean, I’m really not looking for sympathy or anything but—
Ruby: Yes you are.
Rosie: Excuse me?
Ruby: Sympathy. Looking for it. Yes you are.
Rosie: Thank you for decoding that for me. OK so maybe it would be nice if at least some people acknowledged the fact that my husband has had an affair, my marriage has ended, I’m still a million miles away from Alex and will never know how I feel about him, my child’s runaway father is back in Ireland, and I HAVE NO JOB! A pat on the back, a sympathetic smile, and a bit of a cuddle would be quite nice actually. A few months spent in my bed curled up into a ball, smothered by blankets, in a room darkened by drawn curtains, dressed in a pair of big unflattering pajamas would be my idea of heaven but unfortunately I can’t do that right now because I have a daughter who is hyperventilating over the fact that her father who she hasn’t met for thirteen years is back in her life and I need to forget about me and be strong for her. But a bit of sympathy would be nice too.
Ruby: Breathe Rosie.
Rosie: No that’s how all my problems happen. If I wasn’t breathing then everything would be fine.
Ruby: Don’t talk like that.
Rosie: Oh shut up, I haven’t got time to kill myself; I’m too busy having a nervous breakdown. Brian booked a flight over here as soon as he got off the phone from me so it seems he is very serious about his new role of fatherhood. He tells me he’s been living in Spain for the past thirteen years where he owns a nightclub. Providing the highly sexed underage drinkers of Ireland’s youth with some binge drinking memories. Now he’s back in Dublin to work on another project.
Ruby: Is he all tanned and gorgeous?
Rosie: Well never before would I have put the words “Brian the Whine” and “tanned and gorgeous” all in the same sentence. He’s pretty much the same with less hair and more belly.
Ruby: How did you feel when you saw him?
Rosie: I had to muster all my strength to stop myself from punching him. Katie was so nervous about meeting him that she was shaking like a leaf and clinging to me. She was expecting me to be the strong one. Imagine. Someone was relying on me. We met him in the coffee shop in Jervis Street Shopping Center and I have to admit, as we were approaching his table I felt sick. Sick with anger that the miserable little man who I was going to have to force myself to be nice to for the next hour and help to become a part of my daughter’s life, was the very same person who caused me so much heartache in the past. I had to help him. It also felt odd that as weak as I felt bringing Katie into town on the bus that morning, as tired, nervous, angry, and disappointed as I was to be doing what I was doing, I realize that these two people needed me to bring them together. So for the sake of Katie’s relationship with Brian, whatever feelings of resentment I have for him need to be kept to myself.
Ruby: You’ve done a good thing Rosie. It must have been difficult, it will probably be difficult for a long time watching them grow closer.
Rosie: I know. I have to bite my tongue to stop myself from telling Katie just how much of a hero her father isn’t when she tells me about some of the things he has done in his life.
Ruby: What was he like with her?
Rosie: He was even more nervous than Katie so it was up to me to get the conversation started between them. It was an odd situation but you know, being the strongest out of the three really helped me to see that the decision I made about not moving to Boston was the right one. Katie needed me. They both needed me. He seemed genuinely interested in my life and in Katie’s. He wanted to know everything about her and I quite enjoyed sharing our stories from over the years. At first I was telling each story with anger because he wasn’t around for any of them and then I realized I was bragging. It perked me up in a strange sort of way and made me realize how lucky I’ve been, as much as I moan and whinge about the responsibility of motherhood. It also helped me see the “specialness” of Katie and my situation; we’re the only two to share all these memories together. And what we choose to let other people know is completely up to us. If Brian messes up absolutely everything else in my life at least he’s inadvertently helped me realize that.
However unfortunately, it’s not exactly the best time in my life to have an ex back again. In these situations you’re supposed to have become so much more since the last time you’ve seen them, happy and successful in your life so you can say “Na na na na na na, look what I’ve done since you’ve been gone.” A failed marriage, no
job, and living with my parents did not have the desired effect.
Ruby: None of that stuff is important Rosie, you should just be glad he’s grown up a bit. How long will he be around for?
Rosie: He’s going back and forth from Ibiza all the time. He’s hiring someone else to keep an eye on it for him during the winter, but obviously he’ll need to be there during the summer, when he’s busiest. He really seems to be taking this seriously and I’m glad for Katie’s sake. Having him hanging around isn’t exactly wonderful for me, but if it puts a smile on her face then it’s worth it.
Ruby: Any luck finding a job?
Rosie: Well I had just switched on the computer to search the Internet when you messaged me.
Ruby: Oh OK I’ll go now and let you become the responsible parent you should be. By the way I’m making my Gary come to salsa dancing classes with me. Miss Behave drank one too many sangrias at the summer party last week and went over on her ankle in her 12-inch platforms. All we could hear was a big CRACK! I turned around and she was on her back with a run in her tights and her wig beside her on the floor.
Rosie: Oh god did you have to rush her to hospital?
Ruby: Why on earth would we do that?
Rosie: She cracked her ankle?!
Ruby: Oh no don’t be silly, she broke the heel of her shoe and seeing as they are her “only dancing shoes” she refuses to come to class until she replaces them. Unfortunately for me they’re only available in a store in New York so she has to wait until they’re restocked and delivered. So I am without a partner and I won’t even ask you because I know you’ll say no.
Rosie: You’re right. But how on earth did you get Gary to agree to go to dance classes with you? Did you threaten his life or something?!
Ruby: Yes.
Rosie: Oh. Well I hope he enjoys it.
Ruby: Don’t be silly, he’ll hate it and shout at me for weeks but at least he’ll be talking to me again. Alright well I better go; I have to buy him a leotard and tights on my lunch break. I know we don’t actually have to wear them but it will be worth it just to see the look on his face when I pull them out of my bag.
Rosie: You evil, evil woman.
Ruby: Thank you, now go find a job. In a hotel. After all this nonsense in your life, I want you to become the most successful hotel-worker person in the world. No. More. Setbacks. You hear me?
Rosie: Loud and Clear.
Alex,
OK, here’s the truth. I love you. No, more than that, I am in love with you. Do you think there’s any possibility whatsoever that you drop your successful career in Boston and role of fatherhood, to come to Dublin to live with me and Katie in my parents’ house happily ever after?
Dear Alex,
When will you stop giving me the silent treatment? You must understand that I can’t make decisions to suit myself. I’ve Katie to think about too. It is important for her to get to know Brian. You of all people should know how it is to want and need to be there for your child. Brian has finally realized that he wants to be here for Katie. It’s better late than never as you always say. Some things are.
I think I’ve stressed my apologies more than enough to you on your answering machine but now I’m writing to thank you. To thank you for being there for me as you always have been over the years. For making all those arrangements for me when I couldn’t even think clearly. That week my world was turned upside down and everything that was once secure and solid was uprooted and came toppling down on me. Let’s not allow your disapproval of my decision to stay to affect our friendship.
Perhaps sometime, someday we can be reunited in the way we planned when we were seven years old. I’m lucky to have a friend like you Alex Stewart; you really are my moonbeam—guiding the way for me all the time. And even though I can see you and know that you’re there, you’re just beyond my reach. I don’t know how unrealistic the promise we made to each other as children was, to stay together side by side forever, but we sure have remained friends from across the seas for over twenty years, and that I’m sure is some feat.
I’ve been job hunting all week. My aim was to try and get a job in a hotel surprise, surprise but it seems that as the summer has already begun, students and immigrants only too willing to be underpaid have already taken everything for the next few months. The money they’re offering really isn’t enough to help me and Katie get back on our feet anyway. I will join in with the insufferable moans of twenty-first-century Ireland in a chorus of “Everything is so expensive these days.” I’m waiting to hear from the council about getting a house but I’ve been here before and the waiting list is so long.
Unfortunately my position at the Two Lakes Hotel has been filled, otherwise I would have left my pride at the entrance lobby and asked for it back. Brian has offered to pay child support but I don’t want his money. I managed before without him, I certainly don’t need his help now. He can give Katie whatever pocket money his heart desires but his money is neither requested nor required.
There hasn’t been a peep out of what’s-his-name lately. That man is too afraid of his own shadow, never mind of me. I filed for a divorce last week; I need him out of my life for good. I gave him enough love and enough chances but he threw it all back in my face, I would be a fool to stay around pinning hopes on him again. It’s not healthy for me or Katie. I’ll dance around the streets naked when the divorce is final.
Did you hear that Stephanie is pregnant? She’s due in November so all the family are naturally thrilled. Mum and Dad are in great form, always asking for you and Josh and they’re very much enjoying their retirement together. They’re actually talking about selling their house and moving down to the country where it’s cheaper so they can use the extra money to travel the world together for the rest of their years. I think it’s a great idea, they don’t need all these empty rooms in the house (apart from when I come home crying to them) and neither of them have any need to be living in the city. But it also means I have to hurry up and find a job so I can move out with Katie. They’re not rushing me but they want to put the house on the market so it will sell quickly during the summer. I’ll be the only family member living in Dublin then which I imagine will be rather lonely. Kevin is in Kilkenny, Steph’s in France, and Mum and Dad will be off on their travels. It’ll just be me and Katie. And Brian the Whine.
My friend Ruby is starting salsa lessons with her son Gary this week which should be funny. You’ve met her son Gary and I’m sure you’d agree he’s not the most expressive or emotive person in the world. But it’s a good idea I suppose. Katie and I should do something together. She gets to go out for the day with her father and we never spend any time like that together. We’re always just at home biting each other’s heads off. I’ll think of something good she’ll like, maybe bring her to a concert or something. With Greg in the house I was always the cool mum that came to the rescue, but now with Brian here, he’s the cool new dad who runs the trendy nightclub and I’m the boring mum who makes her clean her room. Of course, knowing that Brian has a nightclub has only strengthened her desire to become a DJ. I don’t know what we’ve created at all. Her music just gets louder and louder. Mum and Dad have been so used to silence in the house for the last few years, I think Dad’s going to blow his top if Katie blasts her music any more.
Anyway that’s all my news. I’m getting through each day slowly, taking each day as it comes and all those clichés. Please return my calls. The last thing on this earth that I would want to happen is to lose my best friend. Even if he is a man.
All my love,
Rosie
Phil: So you’re pissed off because she’s not moving to Boston now, because the father of her child, who she hasn’t seen for thirteen years, has come back and wants to get to know Katie?
Alex: Yes.
Phil: Jesus Christ. Who writes your scripts?
Dear Rosie,
I’m sorry Rosie. I know these have been the worst few weeks of your life and I should have kept in conta
ct. Sometimes I just get so frustrated watching your life but I no I can’t control it for you. You have to make the decisions. I wasn’t angry at you at all; I was just disappointed for you. I want to see you happy all the time and I new that what’s-his-name wasn’t making you happy. I could see it for years. As crap as it feels right now, not being with him is a blessing in disguise. Anyway I’ll speak more about this over the phone during the week because I could rant about what’s-his-name forever.
If I can help you out financially, just let me no, but I’m sure you’re just skipping past that line and fuming I’ve even offered. Still, the offer is there. Business has been going really well lately. Thanks to the diets and lifestyles of the modern world, heart surgery is really in demand. OK, that’s not funny.
Speak soon Buttercup, I no you’ll be OK.
Alex
FROM: Rosie
TO: Alex
SUBJECT: Messages
Alex Stewart, you KNOW I’ll be OK.
FROM: Alex
TO: Katie
SUBJECT: Catching up
It’s your beloved godfather here. I’m just e-mailing you to see how you are and to find out how things are going with your dad.
Keep in touch, haven’t heard much from you lately and I no things have been tough. Let me no how your music is going too, still want to be a DJ?
FROM: Katie
TO: Alex
SUBJECT: Re: Catching up
SorE this is just a real quick e-mail 2 say hi & that I’m fine tanx. In a rush cos I’m goin out wit dad in a mo. He takin me to concert in the point theater. He got free tickets cos he nos the band. Felt bad cos mum already got tickets as surprise for me & her. Said me & her should do more 2gether. Whatever. Don’t no wot she’s talkin bout we c each other every day. NE way dad got better tickets so I’m goin with him and mum bringin Ruby. They got some crappy tickets down the bak of theater. Brian is cool. He told me u & him were friends at school & that u went 2 his 10th bday party & that he threw goin away party 4 u b4 u moved to usa. But he said that u & mum disappeared after first 10 mins. That was a bit rude!