And now I have no idea how to act around him. I feel like I’m back at school, and he’s the cool mysterious popular guy and I’m the awkward gawky teenager with a red hot crush. I constantly feel uncomfortable around him, which is hard going considering I’m pretty much always with him. I’m trying my best to pretend that nothing has changed, trying to pretend I don’t feel this way. It takes every ounce of strength I have just to get me through the day.
I don’t think Nathan’s noticed the difference in me. Well I hope he hasn’t. God, could you imagine how he would react if he ever discovered I was feeling this way about him? He’d probably laugh, say something hurtful, or run screaming in the opposite direction. Or all three combined.
So, basically, he can never know.
I just need to get these feelings under control and work on getting rid of them, fast.
I’ve thought a lot about why I’m feeling this way about Nathan and I’m putting it down to the fact it’s because he’s being nice to me now. Add in the fact he did after all save my life, and you’ve got yourself a good set of ingredients for one hell of a serious crush.
And I guess in a way I feel connected to him. He’s the only other living person who was there when my old life was ripped away from me.
I have, however, come to the definite conclusion that my crush on Nathan has nothing to do with the fact that I’ve seen him pretty much naked, that he has a great body, that he can in fact be quite sweet when he lets his guard down, that he is all mysterious and deep, and that he runs around saving people’s lives like some kind of bloody superhero.
Well, okay, maybe they do add to it just a little bit, the illusion of him.
But any psychologist would tell you that grief can make people do and think things they normally wouldn’t. Not that I know any psychologists, but I’m sure I’m right. I think I read it in Cosmo or somewhere that grief can make people act out of character, do things they wouldn’t normally do, like have feelings for someone they wouldn’t normally have.
Don’t get me wrong, I do think Nathan is good looking, and yes, if I saw him in a bar I’d look twice, well maybe three times, but he’s not someone I’d ever consider to be boyfriend material. He can be arrogant and callous, he has messy hair, and his clothes look like they’ve never seen a washing machine, let alone an iron. He visits a razor once every blue moon - okay, I’ll admit I do like the stubble, but he just looks unkempt all the time - and he has this no care, no-nonsense attitude about everything, whereas I care about everything, right down to the minute detail.
But now it seems all the things I saw to be a problem in Nathan are the things pulling me in. I’ve gone from intensely disliking the guy, to wanting to rip off his clothes in a matter of days.
And yes, I know just how very screwed up that is.
I know nothing will ever come of this crush. I don’t want anything to come of it, so it’s pointless to think about the necessaries. But really someone needs to tell this to my raging hormones. Seriously. Or at the very least sedate me until it passes.
I know exactly how Nathan views me. He sees me as your average, run of the mill, freak of nature. And yes, he’s being nice to me but that’s only to keep the peace, nothing more. He will never see me otherwise because it’s the truth, I am a freak, and like Sol said, they stick with their own kind anyway...
“You want another coffee?”
“Hmm?”
“I asked if you wanted another coffee, love.”
I look up from the magazine I’ve been pretending to read for the last five minutes, and over at my current half-full cold cup of coffee. “Oh, erm, yes please, Jack.”
Jack comes over and I hand him my cup. He glances down at the contents and smiles. Taking it over to the sink, he rinses it out.
Jack’s cooking dinner. I offered him my help but he wouldn’t hear of it, so I decided to keep him company instead. Great company I turned out to be. All I’ve done is analyse my feelings for Nathan and sit here on nerves' edge wondering when he’ll be home. He’s been out all day at some animal auction. I really want to see him, and I really don’t. It’s insane. Four days ago I wouldn’t have cared less where Nathan was - to be honest, the further away from me he was the better - but now I literally have to mentally prepare myself to see him.
This is an absurd situation that I’ve created in my own mind and it’s the only place it currently resides. I intend to keep it that way.
Yes, I know I’m ridiculous and seriously messed up.
“You okay?” Jack enquires, mild concern lacquering his voice as he pours us both a coffee. “You seem miles away.”
“Oh, yeah, I’m fine,” I say with way too much enthusiasm as he walks over and puts my cup down in front of me. He takes a seat opposite.
I can feel my face starting to heat. I’m so crap at this covering up business. How Nathan doesn’t know I fancy him is beyond me. I may as well walk around with a sandwich board, saying ‘I heart Nathan’, ringing a bell.
“Anywhere good?” Jack asks. He takes a sip of his coffee. I can see he’s eyeing me closely. Jack should be a detective. Really. The man can sense bullshit at fifty paces.
“What?” I evade.
“Where you were?”
Oh well, I was just off daydreaming about your middle son, you know, the moody, sexy blonde one, goes by the name of Nathan ...
“No not really.” I shake my head, pressing my lips together, desperately trying to conceal the truth.
Jack puts his coffee down and leans back in his chair. He pulls his cigars out of his shirt pocket and lights one up. I feel like I’m under a spotlight. I’m starting to sweat. My palms have gone clammy. I rub them surreptitiously on my jeans.
“I’m looking forward to dinner,” I say, grasping for normality.
Jack smiles. “Yeah, me too.”
Actually that was a lie. I’m not looking forward to it at all.
Cal and Erin are coming. It’s the first time I’m going to meet Cal’s wife and the mother of his unborn child, and I can’t say I’m overjoyed at the prospect. I have her painted in my mind as being as scary as he is. Well, she’d have to be to put up with someone like Cal; either that or she’s a saint of some kind.
I know Cal was reluctant to bring Erin with him tonight and that’s because I’m here. I could tell from the way the conversation went that he had with Jack. I wasn’t meaning to listen in, honestly, but with this hearing of mine, it’s sometimes hard to tune out.
Cal doesn’t like me, and I mean he really doesn’t like me. He avoids me like the plague when he’s here during the day working, and makes no secret of his feelings about me. Mostly I just keep out of his way. I may not like him but they are his family and this is the place where he grew up, his home, and he should feel comfortable here. I’m only a visitor, not a permanent fixture, and I really need to remind myself of that, and regularly. I can’t get comfortable here.
From what I can tell – well, after asking Sol - Cal and Erin used to come around for dinner really regularly, before I arrived and disrupted everything, and I think this is Jack’s way of trying to inject some form of normality back into their lives.
I pick my coffee up, blow on it and take a sip. Jack’s being uncharacteristically quiet and it’s unnerving me.
“Are you sure I can’t do anything to help.” I nod in the direction of the kitchen.
“No, it’s all done, thanks love. Just the lamb to go in in a few minutes.”
I take another sip of my coffee and rest the rim of the cup against my lower lip.
“Has Nathan ever told you he was in the army?” Jack says out of the blue.
He’s sussed me. My stomach ties into a thousand knots. I move the cup away from my mouth. “He did, well Sol did, and I asked Nathan about it.”
“Yeah, Nate’s never been one to blow his own trumpet.” He smiles fondly to himself and takes a puff on his cigar. The smoke billows up into the air. “Did he tell you about all those people he saved?” he
asks, holding his cigar between his teeth.
The knots tighten further. I put my cup down. “Briefly.”
“He’s a hero, my boy. Eight people he saved. They were on duty, him and his best mate Craig. They were walking down the street through the market. Nate stopped to talk to some local kids, Craig kept on walking. There was a suicide bomber right there in the middle of the market, real close to Craig. Craig spotted him, knew something was wrong, but he was too late. The guy blew himself up for whatever godforsaken cause he thought he believed in. Craig was technically dead for a short while but Nate got him breathing again. Then he spent the next hour until help arrived searching through the rubble pulling people out. He saved eight people that day. One was a kid of about ten. His mother was dead, though. Nate tried to revive her, but it was too late.”
There’s a lump in my throat that won’t go down.
Jack flicks the ash from his cigar into the ashtray. “Forty-one people died in that blast. It would have been forty-nine if it wasn’t for Nate. But even though he saved those eight people, he still blames himself for the ones he couldn’t save, especially the boy’s mother. It’s one of his bigger regrets,” … pause ... “but not as big as the night he saved you.”
The skin on my face prickles. “Wh … what do you mean?” The words wobble out of my mouth.
He rubs his face. “He hates that he didn’t get there in time to save Carrie.” He pauses again, almost like he’s collecting his thoughts so as to say this just right. He looks directly into my eyes with his steely blue ones. “But mainly, he hates that he didn’t get there in time to save you.”
I touch my hand to my face and realise there’s a tear running down my face. I discreetly brush it away. “He did save me.” My voice sounds inept.
Jack shakes his head, gently. “No love, not in the way he wishes.”
I feel sick. Another tear rolls down my cheek. I don’t bother to wipe it away. “Why are you telling me this, Jack?”
“Because I care about you. You’re lovely girl, you’re like one of my own now, and you’ve had to endure way more than anyone ever should in their lifetime, and I don’t want to see you get hurt again. I know Nathan. He’s a good boy but he can be hard. He doesn’t really get ... close to people. He can hurt them, a lot, without meaning to. It’s just his ... way.”
I stare at Jack, at a loss for words.
He stands up and stubs his half-smoked cigar out in the ashtray. “Best get the lamb in the oven or we’ll all be going hungry tonight.” He tries to give me a lasting smile, but it doesn’t work.
Jack knows I have feelings for Nathan and he’s telling me to quit now because Nathan would never be interested in me, because of what I am. He’s trying to save me the hurt and embarrassment. The mortification drenches me. Even though I already knew all of this, it still doesn’t make it hurt any less. I feel so stupid and pathetic, and weak.
I want to get up and leave but I can’t; I’m frozen to this chair. Pride has me stuck. Jack may be right about my feelings for Nathan but if I get up and leave, I’m just confirming to him that’s he is right, and I can’t do that. All I have left is plausible deniability.
So, instead, I sit here, torturing myself, desperately trying to hold onto my dignity, as I once again attempt to read my magazine.
But for a long time all I can manage to do is read the same sentence over and over.
Chapter 14
Instinct
“Aww, Alex, you should have seen Sol when he dressed up as Kylie at our Halloween party last year. He wore the gold hot pants and everything. It was hilarious. And he could have easily passed for a woman.” Erin laughs heartily from her seat beside me, and reaches over and pinches Sol’s cheek as he sits adjacent to her at the end of the table. “He looked so gorgeous. I’m gonna bring the photos with me next time I come.”
“Don’t you dare!” Sol warns, laughing.
“You dressed as Kylie?” I lean forward to look down the table at Sol, raising a playful eyebrow.
He screws his face up. “I left it ‘til the last minute to get my costume and it was all the shop had left ... and anyway … ” he looks back to Erin, “it’s not my fault I’ve been blessed with great features.” He casts his hand over his face, and looks at me again and winks.
I laugh. He’s so cheeky.
“Womanly features aren’t something you should brag about,” Nathan quips.
Sol pulls a face at him. Nathan grins smugly back. They’re like a pair of kids at times.
I rest back in my chair and look over at Nathan who’s sitting opposite me. “So what did you go as?”
He looks at me for a long second before answering, “A Viking.”
I smile, impressed with his choice. You can’t beat a burly Viking. But now all I have in my mind is a picture of Nathan dressed as a Viking. I mentally shake myself out of it.
“Jack dressed as Frank Sinatra,” Erin says, pulling my attention to her. “Cal was Jack Sparrow and I was Catwoman, not that I could fit into that costume nowadays.” She juts out her lower lip, patting her heavily pregnant stomach.
“Well, I still think you look lovely,” Cal says smiling at her.
“Brown nose,” Sol jokes.
Erin playfully smacks Sol on the arm.
I can see the obvious connection between Erin and Cal, and for a fleeting moment I really envy what they have.
Erin has been a complete surprise, and for that matter, so has Cal. He’s actually being nice. Well, not yet to me directly, but he has made eye contact a few times and he did sort of smile in my general direction when he arrived, but I was standing next to Sol at the time, so he could have been smiling at him.
I’m guessing it’s Erin’s influence on him. She’s nice and very warm and friendly. I instantly liked her. She’s the type of person I would have been friends with in my old life. She's been incredibly friendly toward me from the offset, which must have been difficult for her knowing how Cal feels about me, which is a view I’m a hundred percent sure he will have aired to her. He’s not exactly one to keep his feelings secret.
I was expecting Erin to come in with an already inbuilt air of hostility toward me, wearing the same look of distaste as Cal does whenever he’s forced to be around me. I had painted her in my mind to be as abrasive as he is, but she is nothing like that at all.
The moment she walked through the door, she honed in on me straightaway, wearing a huge toothy smile, all dark brown eyes and long black hair swishing about. She practically oozed kindness and not the fake kind either. You know how some people just have a natural, genuine charm about them, well Erin has that. She reminds me of Carrie in that respect.
Carrie.
And as quickly as her name filters through my mind, so appears the familiar squeeze on my heart, the chill blanketing my skin, the sting of tears at the back of my eyes.
Carrie would have loved being here at this dinner, she would have loved all of them, and they would all have loved her.
I take a silent, deep breath and count to ten, forcing myself back to normal. Well, as normal as I can get.
I glance at Erin, then over at Cal. Visually, they look well suited, but their personalities are worlds apart. She’s warm and friendly. He’s cold and not so friendly.
All I can think is that Erin sees something in Cal that no one else sees, or he allows them to see, which has to be something good, right?
And because of how lovely and genuine a person Erin is, I have to consider the fact maybe Cal isn’t as bad a person as I thought, that my initial instinct could have been wrong. It’s not the first time I’ve been wrong about someone, take Eddie for instance.
It’s obviously just around me, or should I say with me, that Cal has issues, which is understandable.
I tune back into the conversation. Jack’s talking. He’s telling us about Dave, an old farming mate of his, who he ran into at Tesco's this morning. I stop listening again the moment I hear the word ‘fertiliser’.
&nbs
p; I steal a quick glance at Nathan. His eyes are on Jack and he’s absentmindedly picking at the food left on his plate with his fork. He looks relaxed, happy, and incredibly handsome in only the way he can. Seriously, if anyone else dressed like Nathan does, people would be handing them money in the street. Still, my heart does a little flip-flop.
How is it that all the things that irritated me about him a week ago now have my body fizzing on sight? Sets my heart beating just that bit faster? Makes my head go light every moment he happens to cast a glance my way? Makes me want to blurt out every thought and feeling I’ve ever had for him as I throw myself begging into his arms?
Stop Alex. You have to stop these thoughts. Remember what Jack said to you a few hours ago. Just keep reminding yourself of that.
I did worry that Jack might tell Nathan I have feelings for him but so far he hasn’t, and I don’t think he will. I don’t think it’s his style.
I know Jack is only looking out for me, and I appreciate it, I really do, but it’s all so easier said than done. The second Nathan walked through the door a few hours ago, I was lost to him again, all my resolve gone, just like that. My brain seized up and left me to the mercy of my hormones. And all I want is to be around him despite the all-engulfing, infuriating, tangled way he always leaves me feeling.