“I wanted to make you jealous. I wanted to make you feel, even a fraction, of what I felt, the night you fucked Celia in front of me.”
Caleb winced. His heart felt even tighter. He hoped Livvie’s words meant he hadn’t lost her yet. Somehow he’d find a way to make it right with her, and Rafiq.
“I was insanely jealous,” Caleb offered in supplication.
Livvie squeezed him for a moment then loosened her hold, “I know. It should make me happy, but it doesn’t.” She sighed.
“Why,” Caleb asked softly into her warm, wet neck.
“I’d rather make you happy, Caleb. I’d rather see you smile. Sometimes, you smile and I…” she paused, overwhelmed, “I forget about everything that’s wrong with you.”
Caleb wasn’t sure what to say, so he simply told her the truth, “I’d rather see you smile, too. In the beginning, when I didn’t know you…you seemed so sad. I watched you cry one day and I thought, ‘I want to taste her tears’. I have a thing about them. I confess I’ve made you cry just to see your tears. I’ve gotten off on your suffering.” He swallowed.
“But now,” Caleb said, “I never want to see you cry again. I wish I could go back to the day on the street, the day you thought I’d saved you from the guy in the car, and just…let you believe I was your hero. You smiled at me, so sweetly. You thanked me. I wish I’d just let it be.”
Caleb could feel Livvie taking deep breaths.
“I know it’s what I should want, too,” she said, “but I don’t. I accuse you of being fucked in the head, Caleb. The truth is… I wonder if I’m not fucked up, too. I should hate you, Caleb. Now I’ve decided what my fate will be, I should want to kill you. I don’t. I can’t imagine never having known you.”
“Maybe it’s fate,” Livvie said, “if you believe in that sort of thing. Maybe you were supposed to meet me that day. You asked me once if I’d choose some other girl to take my place. I wanted to say yes.”
“You said, no,” Caleb whispered. He thought about how it might have worked out with another girl – if he’d have the feelings he had for Livvie for someone else. He’d been conflicted from the start. He’d been ready to leave his life as Rafiq’s right hand behind until Vladek had resurfaced unexpectedly. Perhaps his emotions had less to do with Livvie and more with his desire to move on from his past. Nonetheless, he doubted it. Livvie was unique to him. Irreplaceable.
“I did, but I wanted to say yes, Caleb. If I had believed for a second you’d let some other girl suffer in my place… I think I might have said yes,” she said dully. “I’m fucked in the head, too. Even before I met you.”
Caleb let her words sink in for a moment. He didn’t believe they were true. Livvie was far from fucked up, especially while he was the standard. However, if Livvie chose to see some greater purpose behind their relationship and therefore not hate him, he was too weak not to let her believe it.
As the silence stretched on between them, Caleb became more aware of Livvie and her nudity. He ached to touch her, to make love to her, but there were more things he had to say first.
“I can’t erase my debt to Rafiq,” he said. Livvie tensed, but Caleb hurried his words along, “It’s not something I expect you to understand, but I can’t just leave.”
“What do you mean, Caleb? What does it mean, for us?” Her words were said without emotion, but Caleb knew how much she held in check.
“It means I have to make him understand. We’ll have to find another way, maybe another girl…” he began.
Livvie pushed at his shoulder and sat up, “Are you fucking kidding me, Caleb? Another girl? How could I live with myself?!?”
Caleb’s anger was returning, “You just finished saying….”
“That was before!” Livvie shouted, “I could never put someone through this. Never! Please, Caleb, see reason. Let me get dressed and let’s get the fuck out of here and never look back.” She reached out with both hands and held Caleb’s face in a vise-like grip. “Please, Caleb. Please.”
Caleb stared into Livvie’s pleading eyes and for a moment he thought he might open his mouth and say yes.
“I expect obedience, Caleb. I expect your loyalty. Anyone who betrays me will only do it once. Do you understand?” Rafiq had said ominously.
“Yes, Rafiq, I understand,” Caleb had replied.
“I want to, Livvie,” Caleb whispered, “Aside from my revenge, I can honestly tell you, there is nothing I desire more than to take you away and find out what this thing between us is all about.” He reached for her hands and placed them in her lap before he stroked her hair affectionately.
“But, this is who I am. I repay my debts. Nothing comes before family, loyalty, duty, and honor. Rafiq is as close to family as I can remember, and I owe him. If you’re asking me to betray him…you can never accept who I am.”
Livvie shut her eyes tightly, seemingly processing the pain Caleb’s words had caused. He felt stupid and naïve. He should have known Livvie would be incapable of understanding him or his motives. Livvie was no monster and she wouldn’t become one simply because Caleb was.
“Why does this guy need to die so badly, Caleb? What did he do? What is so horrible, you’d dedicate your life, and sacrifice your happiness to kill him? Help me understand, Caleb,” Livvie whispered.
Caleb looked at Livvie, and had he seen any trace of condescension, he would have told her to go to hell, but the only thing expressed in Livvie’s eyes was concern. He was surprised he even recognized it. Rafiq had never really been concerned for Caleb.
Rafiq had been Caleb’s salvation, his tutor, mentor, and sometimes friend. He’d clothed him, provided shelter, and food. He’d nursed him from a traumatized whore into a dangerous man. Yet, Rafiq had always demanded his due. At the slightest hint of uncertainty on Caleb’s part, Rafiq never hesitated to remind him of his place. Caleb’s life had always been conditional. Rafiq’s favor had always been conditional.
Caleb had never questioned Rafiq’s methods or his authority. It had never mattered to him that Rafiq demanded blind obedience. He had always believed he was lucky to be alive and been grateful for Rafiq. Caleb was still grateful and always would be, but until Livvie, Caleb had never known how it felt to have someone care, truly care, for him.
“I think…,” Caleb’s heart hammered hard in his chest, “I think he…sold me.” His flesh felt like it was on fire, like it would burn, crackle, and molt right off his bones.
“Sold? As…as, in…?” Livvie seemed at a loss for words.
Caleb looked her dead in the eyes and steeled himself, “It didn’t happen last week, alright!” He said angrily. “I was young. I don’t even remember how young I was. I have no memories of my life before Narweh. Sometimes, I think I remember something, but I can’t be sure. Even my early years with Narweh get mixed up. I wasn’t born a monster, Livvie.”
Livvie’s face crumpled and she seemed to explode with tears. She wrapped her arms around Caleb’s neck, squeezing him with all her strength, “Oh, god! Oh, Caleb. I’m so sorry I called you that. I’m so sorry.”
Caleb’s emotions were everywhere. He didn’t want her pity. He never wanted pity. Still, he seemed to need Livvie’s arms. He didn’t have it in him to push her away.
“I wasn’t alone. There were six of us,” Caleb said. He held Livvie tight to his chest. “I don’t remember being sold. There wasn’t an auction or anything. I think I came in a box. To this day, I can’t stand cramped spaces – or boats – I hate boats.”
“Things…,” Caleb struggled, “happened to me. Narweh liked to beat me…among other things.” Caleb felt Livvie’s arms tighten around him.
Mine!
“I was getting too old, I think. I was tall compared to the others. I had hair on my balls and under my arms. The men who....” Caleb swallowed hard, “They wanted boys, not men. I think Narweh meant to kill me.”
“Stop,” Livvie sobbed into Caleb’s neck, “I can’t listen anymore.”
Caleb felt something slide loose inside him: shame. Pure, uncut, shame rolled through him. “Don’t love me now you know I used to be a whore?”
He pushed Livvie away and she flopped backward onto the bed. Her red, puffy eyes fixed on Caleb with disdain. “You’re an idiot!” she said and sat up. “I can’t listen anymore because I can’t stand the thought of you being hurt!” She crawled toward Caleb slowly, wary.
Caleb wanted to run, but he remained immobile as Livvie’s words tried to settle into his mind. “It was a long time ago. I made him pay.” Caleb met Livvie’s eyes and saw a flicker of realization light her features.
“The bikers,” she whispered.
“Yes,” Caleb said. He cleared his throat, trying to keep calm when all he wanted was to destroy something in a fit of murderous rage.
Livvie nodded, “Those men deserved to die.” Caleb reared back, incredulous. Livvie continued, “Narweh deserved to die, too. And I…I get why you can’t let this go.”
“You do?” Caleb’s heart thudded in his ears.
Livvie smiled, but it didn’t reach her eyes, “Yes, Caleb.”
“But…?” Caleb prodded.
Livvie’s mouth turned down in the corners, “I can’t let you replace me. I couldn’t live with myself, Caleb. I couldn’t live…with you.”
“Maybe it’s not up to you!” Caleb snapped.
Livvie held up her hand, her fingers curled under as she reached for Caleb. She approached him slowly, as one would a wild animal.
Caleb had the desire to push her hand away, but the sorrow on Livvie’s face gave him pause. He let her touch his face and he marveled at how much affection he could feel in her simple, yet complex touch. He closed his eyes and let himself feel loved, just for a few seconds to commit it to memory. It hurt to think it might be the first and last time anyone ever touched him in such a way.
“I can’t wait two years for you to come get me, Caleb. I’m done being the damsel in distress. I don’t need anyone to save me,” she said. Her voice was calm, resolute.
“Livvie…” Caleb began, but she put her fingers to his lips.
“I’ll do it, Caleb. I’ll go to the auction and I’ll be perfect. I’ll make the son of a bitch want me,” her breath shuddered, “and when we’re alone…I’ll kill him for you.”
Caleb’s eyes flew open and he shook his head, “What the fuck are you talking about?”
“You want him dead, right?” Livvie said, “What does it matter who kills him or when? I could poison him or something.”
Caleb couldn’t help but smile, even as he knew he would never let her do such a thing. The fact she would even offer….
“I thought you weren’t interested in revenge?” Caleb teased.
“I’m not interested in my revenge, Caleb. But for you….” Livvie whispered, and her eyes said the rest.
Caleb lunged toward Livvie, toppling her backward onto the bed. When Livvie gasped in surprise, he took the opportunity to kiss her. He wished he couldn’t taste Kid in her mouth, but he refused to let it stop him. He needed this. He needed Livvie and her love. His heart had never felt so flooded. He felt he could burst open with the strength and force of it, nothing but need and desire would come pouring out of him.
He put everything he felt, but couldn’t put into words, into his kiss. His hands held on to Livvie, pressing her closer, deeper into his body. His inability to touch every part of her at one time seemed a great injustice.
Closer!
Mine!
He broke away from the kiss, only because he needed her permission. He was done taking anything from her she wasn’t willing to give. “Can I….” Fuck you? Didn’t seem right. Make love to you? So, fucking cheesy.
“Yes, Caleb! For fucksake, yes!” Livvie cried and pulled Caleb back down into their kiss.
Caleb chuckled softly into her mouth, but quickly regained his bearings. He wanted this to be perfect. For the both of them. Despite how his own body protested, he pulled himself up and off the bed. He held out his hand for Livvie before he spoke, “I want to take a shower. I’ve waited a long time for this and I just want it to be us. I only want to smell, you.”
Livvie blushed, but didn’t say anything. She took Caleb’s hand and followed close behind him as they entered the bathroom to wash all traces of the other man away.
Beneath the flood of warm water, he kissed Livvie. Only hours before, he’d told her he would never kiss her again. What an idiot he’d been! Pressed against her, his bare skin against hers, he regretted every horrible thing he had done to Livvie. He decided he would do anything to make it up to her. He would beg her forgiveness. He would bare his soul. He would bleed and die if he had to, but he would never hurt Livvie again.
“I love you,” she said between kisses.
“Shh,” Caleb whispered against her mouth. He knew she wanted him to say the words. He wanted to say them as well, but he didn’t want to lie. Caleb was a monster. Monsters didn’t love. He cared. He hungered. He lusted. He felt more than he ever dreamed possible, and yet…he couldn’t be sure it was love. He wouldn’t lie.
Caleb went to his knees, kissing a trail across Livvie’s body as he went. He sucked water from her nipples, drawing her taut flesh into his mouth in long, greedy pulls. He licked under her breasts and down her ribs. He worshipped her hips and belly. Finally, he parted her legs to find the source of her womanhood.
He could smell her arousal, see the redness of her swollen clit as it peeked out from under her hood. Pushing her legs farther apart, he stared at the open petals of her inner lips. Soon, his cock would be sliding past them and into the heat of her. She would be his – irrevocably. Caleb leaned forward and kissed her lips as he would her mouth.
She moaned and her hands moved toward Caleb’s head, pushing him closer. It was exactly where Caleb wanted to be – closer. He teased her lips gently with the tip of this tongue, letting them part slowly as her arousal and his mouth made Livvie wetter. As she rocked on his face, he pushed deeper, tasting her inside.
“Oh, Caleb,” she sighed. “Oh, god. You feel so good.”
Caleb’s hands weren’t idle. They traveled up and down her legs, sometimes spreading her thighs, other times scratching up the backs of her legs, forcing her up on her toes. He let them keep traveling as he licked, sucked, and even fucked Livvie with his tongue.
“I’m gonna come,” Livvie panted. Caleb grabbed her ass with both hands, holding her in place as he moaned into her pussy and she came on his tongue.
“Caleb!” she shouted and fisted his hair. She couldn’t move her hips, so she pulled him close.
Once Livvie had finished shivering, she let go of Caleb’s hair. It had hurt, but he was okay with pain, especially under the circumstances. He stood slowly, letting his knees work out the pain from having been on the shower floor for so long and turned off the water.
Livvie reached out and grasped his cock, startling him. He was hard and her touch made him eager. As quickly as was safely possible, he led the way out of the shower and back into the bedroom. To hell with towels.
“I want you,” Caleb said. He slid against Livvie in a preview of what was to come.
“I want you, too,” Livvie said and spread her legs. She shivered, her hair and body soaking wet.
Caleb reached down to Livvie’s pussy and rubbed her with his fingers, loving the sounds she made and the way she undulated against him. Assured of her desire, Caleb slid his index finger into Livvie’s tight, wet hole.
“Oh!” Livvie sighed. She rocked back and forth.
Caleb’s head swam with desire. She was so tight inside. Her muscles sucked on his finger, drawing it deeper inside. There was no way he’d fit inside her if he didn’t prepare her well enough. He dipped his head down to her nipple and trapped the little bud between his lips. When her hips rocked up, he slipped another finger inside.
“Ow!” she said, followed by a moan, as Caleb laved her nipple.
Caleb waited for her to relax and for her legs to drop open again before he slowly began moving his fingers back and forth. Her muscles loosened in degrees, stretching around his fingers, lubricating them with her desire.
“This is going to hurt a little. You know that, right?” Caleb said. He stared down into Livvie’s chocolate-colored eyes and saw her trust. He didn’t want to betray it again.
“I know. It’s okay,” she said and pulled him down toward her mouth. The kiss she placed on Caleb’s lips was sweet and full of warmth.
Caleb felt the barricade of her virginity with his fingers. “Put your hands over your head,” he said. Livvie complied instantly and Caleb used his left hand to pin her wrists. He pushed deeper with his fingers, slowly turning them width-wise.
“Caleb!” Livvie tried to push away from his fingers, her face a twisted mask of pain.
“I know, Livvie. I know it hurts, but it’ll be over soon, I promise,” Caleb kissed her lips gently, not offended she wasn’t kissing him back because she was too wrapped up in her pain.
“Please,” she whimpered.
“Relax, Livvie,” he encouraged. His thumb made circles around her clit as he continued to push against the wall of her virginity. Finally, he felt it give way. It seemed to dissolve as if it had never been.
“Ow,” Livvie whimpered and rubbed her head against Caleb’s outstretched arm.
“Shh, it’s done. I think that was the worst part,” he whispered and kissed her trembling lips. He let her wrists go and he sighed when she wrapped her arms around his neck and started kissing his neck.
Caleb cautiously slid his fingers out. Livvie whined and stopped kissing him. They both looked at his fingers and noticed her light pink blood on them. Caleb couldn’t hear past the sound of his heart beating in his ears.
Mine!
He spared a glance toward Livvie and saw she was embarrassed. Meeting her eyes, Caleb placed his fingers near his mouth and licked her virgin blood off of them. Livvie’s face went from embarrassment to horror.
Caleb didn’t care. “There. Now you’re part of me, forever. You’re mine, Livvie. I hope you understand.”
Livvie swallowed audibly, her eyes flicking from Caleb’s to his fingers and back. “I’m yours,” she said, but then added, “only yours. And you’re mine, only mine.”
Caleb could only smile. He couldn’t have said it better himself.
“Ready?”
She ran her hand down his face, “Yes.”
Caleb reached down and grabbed his dick. If he’d ever been this hard, he didn’t remember it. He was glad this was Livvie’s first time, because he wasn’t going to last very long and perhaps it would keep her from getting too sore. He rubbed the head of his cock through her wetness, deliberately sliding it over her clit every once in a while.
“Caleb, stop it. Just do it already,” she moaned. She was trying to get onto his cock herself, but Caleb kept moving his hips back.
He laughed. “Greedy little pussy, you have.”
“Mmm,” she moaned, “All the better to make you come.”
Caleb almost lost it. He’d never imagined Livvie to have such a dirty mouth. He liked it. “Well, we’ll see, won’t we?” He pushed into her pussy. He didn’t thrust himself inside, but he wasn’t too slow. He wanted her to get to the part where the pain was a memory and she could appreciate the pleasure he wanted to give her.
“Oh, god!” she shouted. Her legs wrapped around him in an attempt to hold him still, but Caleb simply lifted her weight and rocked. With her arms and legs wrapped around him, she hung like a pendulum and her momentum forced Caleb deeper.
“Please,” Caleb whispered in Arabic, “I want to be all the way inside you.”
“What?” Livvie said through gritted teeth.
“I said your pussy is amazing!” And damn it, it was! Caleb sat back on his heels and wrapped his arms around Livvie. He pushed in the last few inches, grunting loudly when he felt Livvie’s ass on his balls.
He waited. Livvie held him tightly, leaving kisses on his face, mouth, and neck. She sighed when her muscles finally relaxed and Caleb settled into her.
“I love you,” she repeated. “I love you, so fucking much.”
Buried inside of Livvie, Caleb experienced nirvana. If ever there were a time to repeat Livvie’s words, he knew it should be now. He couldn’t. He hoped in time, he could. All he could do was caress her, kiss her, and slide in and out of her in the hopes she could feel everything he wanted to express.
“You’re mine,” he said.
“Yours,” she repeated.
Livvie was too tight, too wet, and too fucking incredible inside for Caleb to hold back. He held Livvie in his arms and rocked his hips under, sealing himself against her wet flesh and he started to fuck. Up and down he bounced Livvie on his dick. He wanted to yell out every time he went balls deep, but he settled for whispering filth to her in a language she didn’t understand.
“Oh. Oh. Oh, god,” was all Livvie seemed capable of getting out.
Caleb felt heat at the base of his spine and he knew it would be spreading. He was going to come any second and as much as he wanted to, he knew he couldn’t come inside Livvie. He laid her down on the bed, fighting her arms as she