It was Ember’s birthday, so I could hardly go against her wishes, but I needed a break. I went upstairs, and at the end of the hall, heavy French doors led out to a small balcony. I’d left my coat downstairs, but that was just fine.
Pulling my sweater sleeves down over my hands, I leaned against the wrought-iron railing that ran around the balcony. I had no reason to be jealous of Juni. It didn’t affect me at all that she was perfect. She was a wonderful, beautiful, nice person, and I had no reason to wish her ill.
In fact, I should be happy that she was apparently dating Ridley, since he’d always been good to me. He’d been nothing but kind, loyal, and supportive to me, and he deserved the same in return. Yes, he had done his fair share of philandering, but Juni was just the right girl to get him to settle down. And nothing about that should make me feel even slightly bad.
And yet … it did. It hurt so bad, I found it difficult to breathe.
Below me, goats were bleating in the moonlight, their pleas like those of a lovelorn suitor. I watched them nibbling at the blades of grass bravely poking through the snow, and I refused to acknowledge my feelings. They didn’t make any sense, so I just pushed them away.
“Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou, Romeo?” I said to the goats, as if speaking to them would ease their loneliness.
“It is the east, and Juliet is the sun,” Ridley said from behind me, startling me so much I nearly leapt off the balcony.
I’d left the French doors open, and I turned around to see Ridley standing in the doorway, the curtains billowing around him as the icy wind blew past.
“The balcony is actually facing the north,” I told him once I’d found my voice.
“So it is. That would make you … Polaris?” Ridley surmised. He walked out on the balcony and closed the doors behind him.
“What are you doing up here?” I leaned on the railing again, so I wouldn’t have to look at him.
“I came up here to shut the doors, because Ember’s mom was complaining of a cold draft coming downstairs. ”
I grimaced. “Sorry. I meant to close the doors. ”
“But the real question is, what are you doing up here?” Ridley asked. He rolled down the sleeves of his shirt and folded his arms over his chest, trying to warm himself. “It’s freezing out here. ”
“It’s not that bad. ” I shrugged. “I just needed a breather. ”
“From what?”
I said nothing, preferring to stare out into the night rather than attempt to explain what I was feeling. He let it go, and we both stood in silence for a few minutes. Even the goats had fallen silent, and the only sound was the wind blowing through the trees and the faint music from the party below us.
“Did you know that I’m the oldest person here?” Ridley asked.
I thought about it, then shook my head. “Ember’s parents are older than you. ”
“Now I feel much better. ” He gave a dry laugh. “I probably shouldn’t have come here. ”
“Why not?” I looked at him from the corner of my eye.
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He shook his head. “I’m older than the guy that has, like, a dozen kids,” he said, referring to Finn.
“I think he only has two kids, and another on the way,” I corrected Ridley.
“Still. That’s a lot of kids for someone his age. He’s, like, twenty-four, right?” He looked back down at the balcony and absently kicked a clump of snow stuck to the wood. “That’s too young to have that many kids. ” Then Ridley looked up over at me. “I mean, isn’t it?”
“Maybe. ” I shrugged, unsure of where the conversation was going, which only made me feel more flustered than I already did. “But I don’t know what that has to do with you not coming to the party. ”
“I don’t know. I’m just feeling old, I guess. ” He leaned his head back, staring up at the stars, and his breath came out in a plume of white fog. “I’m having a bit of an existential crisis lately. ”
“What do you mean?”
“Do you think you’ll ever settle down?” Ridley asked, and I was grateful that he was still looking at the sky, so he couldn’t see the startled—and probably terrified—expression on my face.
“You mean like get married and have kids?” I asked, buying myself some time until I figured out how I wanted to answer. “Or retire?”
“Both. ”
“No. Never,” I said firmly, and at that moment it felt painfully true.
I would never retire, I knew that with every fiber of my being, but it wasn’t until just now that I realized that love was off the table for me too. As my brief romance with Simon had proven, I didn’t have the time or the inclination for a relationship. My career would always come first—as it should.
And hopefully that would put the final nail in the coffin of whatever I was feeling for Ridley. Because it didn’t matter how I felt or whether he was with Juni or not. I would never be with Ridley. I had more important matters to tend to, and getting involved with my boss would only complicate and ruin everything.
“Never is pretty final,” Ridley commented rather grimly.
“I know. ”
“I used to think that way,” he admitted. He rested his arms on the railing beside me, leaning against it, and his elbow brushed up against mine. I could’ve pulled my arm away so I wouldn’t be touching him, but I didn’t.
“You are retired,” I pointed out.
“No, I meant about getting married. I thought I’d never do it. ” He paused, letting the silence envelop us. “But now I’m reconsidering. ”
I swallowed hard and scrambled to think of something supportive to say. It took me far too long, but finally I managed, “Well, Juni seems nice. ”
“Yeah, she is. ” Then he said it again, as if convincing himself. “She’s very nice. ”
“And beautiful,” I added. “Stunning, even. ”
Ridley laughed softly at that. “Are you crushing on my date?”
“No. I’m just…” Just what? Trying to convince myself that I was happy for him? I didn’t have anything, so I let it hang in the air.
“Did you really not remember her?” Ridley asked. “I mean, you guys are about the same age and went to school together, and there aren’t that many people in town. ”
“No, of course I remembered her. Her name just slipped my mind,” I lied.
“You have had a lot to worry about lately. ” His tone shifted from playful to thoughtful. “Is that what you were doing out here?”
“What?” I glanced over at him.
“Figuring out how you’re going to exact your revenge on Konstantin?”
“Something like that,” I muttered, feeling angry at myself that that wasn’t actually what I’d been doing.
I should have been doing that, but instead I was stupidly and childishly trying not to think about how handsome Ridley looked tonight and the way his hair curled more at the end of the day, when the gel couldn’t fight it any longer, and how the stubble darkened his jaw in a way that made me want to touch it, to feel it like sandpaper against my cheek if he leaned in for a kiss, and how badly I wished he were slipping his strong arm around my waist and whispering in my ear instead of Juni’s.
“You should clue me in on your plans,” Ridley said.
I looked at him sharply, terrified for a second that he’d been able to read my thoughts, but then I realized that he was talking about my plans for Konstantin. “Why? So you can talk me out of them?”
“No. I want to help. ” He turned to face me, putting his hand on the railing so his fingers brushed against mine. The metal felt icy cold, and his fingers felt like delicious fire against mine, radiating all through me. “I meant what I said earlier. I’m part of this too, and I don’t mean just because I’m your boss. I know what this guy did to you and what he did to your family. I want to help you catch him. ”
It was too dark out for me to really see his eyes, but I could fe
el the heat from them, the new intensity I’d begun noticing when he looked at me sometimes, and it made my heart forget how to beat properly.
I looked away from him, unable to deal with the way he was looking at me, the way he made me feel, or even how close he was to me. His fingers on mine were cooling against the iron railing, but that didn’t stop the heat from coursing through my veins.
And suddenly I couldn’t stand it. I didn’t want to be around him, making me feel a way that I refused to feel.
I stepped back from the railing, pulling my hand away from his. “Thank you. But right now my only plans are helping Linus get ready and surviving the anniversary party tomorrow night. ” I motioned to the door behind me. “Which means that I probably should be getting home to get some sleep. ”
“Good call. I should be heading out soon too. ”
I took a step backward, still facing him like I was afraid he would attack me if I turned away, and I reached behind me, fumbling for the door handle. Ridley moved closer. The balcony wasn’t that big, so it only took a step and he was right in front of me, staring down at me. The light was coming through the glass doors, illuminating his face, and he appeared breathtakingly handsome.
The scent of his cologne blended perfectly with the winter air around us, making him smell tantalizingly clean and crisp, and I imagined that it came in a blue bottle with a name like Aspen or Evergreen. His chest nearly touched me, and for a second time I froze completely, terrified that he would kiss me and terrified that he wouldn’t.
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Then he reached around me, his arm pressing against my side in a way that made me involuntarily tremble.
“Let me get the door for you,” Ridley said as he grabbed the door and opened it behind me. A subtle smile spread across his face, lightening it, but his eyes remained serious and fixed on me.
“Thank you,” I mumbled, lowering my head so my hair would cover my face in case I was blushing. Then I slid under his arm and darted inside the house.
“If you wait a second, Juni and I could walk you home,” he offered, and I couldn’t imagine anything that sounded worse than walking home with him and his date after having a far too vivid fantasy about kissing him.
I had already turned away, hurrying down the hall before he could catch up to me. “Thanks, but I think I got it,” I told him over my shoulder, and darted down the stairs.
As quickly as possible, I found Ember and, feigning a stomach bug, I made my excuses and escaped into the night. Just as I’d reached the door, struggling to pull on my jacket and thinking I’d made a clean escape, Juni found me.
“I’m sorry to hear you aren’t feeling well. ” Juni looked genuinely sympathetic, which at that moment only succeeded in making me angrier. Of course she felt bad for me, when I was only leaving because my feelings for her date had just become all too apparent to me.
“I’ll be fine,” I insisted, and when she tried to say something more, I just turned and walked out the door. I think she was offering to walk me home when I shut the door in her face.
Instantly, I felt awful for being rude, and it wasn’t like I’d wanted to be rude. I just needed space, a moment without Ridley clouding my thoughts and emotions, where I could breathe and focus on what really mattered.
By the time I reached my place, I was nearly jogging. Instead of going up to my loft apartment, I went to the barn below. Many of the Tralla horses neighed their greetings as I walked past them, but I was on a mission and I went down to the final stall, where “my” horse, Bloom, was waiting.
He wasn’t really mine, because all of the horses belonged to the King and Queen. But Bloom and I had a special relationship. As soon as he saw me, he stretched his long neck out over the door and let out a delighted snort. He buried his snout in my hair, sniffing at me as I opened the stall door.
“I’m happy to see you too, buddy,” I said, running my hands over him. His thick silver fur felt like satin under my fingers. I grabbed his bridle from the wall, and he happily let me slip it on over his head.
Usually I would brush him or pet him more, but I wanted to get out of here. I needed to feel the wind blowing through my hair. I led Bloom out of the stables, and he followed behind me, his massive hooves clomping loudly on the ground.
I didn’t bother saddling him, but the reins were necessary. His long mane was far too soft and glossy to properly grip, and Bloom had a bad habit of stopping and starting quickly. That’s why they rarely used him in the parades or to pull carriages, despite the fact that he was one of the most beautiful Tralla horses I’d ever seen. His body was an illustrious silver that shimmered in the light like platinum. Long bangs from his mane fell into his blue eyes, and his mane, tail, and the fur covering his hooves were a beautiful snowy white.
Bloom was a happy, friendly horse, but he loved speed. For an animal with his bulk and girth, one would think he’d be slow and clunky. But Bloom was light on his feet and astonishingly fast.
He headed over to the fence, walking in front of me, and he waited patiently until I came up beside him. I had to climb up on the wooden rails of the fence to climb onto Bloom, since he was so tall.
As soon as he felt me settled in, he lunged forward without waiting for a command from me. Fortunately, I knew that was how Bloom worked, so I already had the reins gripped tightly in my hands, and Bloom raced forward. The gate was open, so he ran out to the open road, running toward the wall.
That’s where I usually rode him—along the wall that surrounded Doldastam. It gave him a long, clear path to run as fast as his thick legs would take us. And that was just what I needed. The wind stung my skin and made my hair whip back behind me, so I leaned forward, burying my face in Bloom’s neck and urging him to go faster.
I closed my eyes, and it was just me and Bloom. Any thoughts about Ridley or Konstantin or anything else at all just fell away.
TWELVE
anniversary
The anniversary party was even worse than I’d feared.
An insane number of stuffy royals filled up the ballroom. The last time I’d seen this many people in the palace, it had been at the celebration after the Trylle had defeated the Vittra, and that hadn’t exactly gone well.
At least that time it had been mostly regular Kanin folks, living it up and getting drunk. It actually had been a rather fun affair, until Konstantin Black ruined it. But this party was all Markis and Marksinna and Kings and Queens. Everyone dressed in their best, holding their heads up so they could look down on everyone else.
I was to spend the evening as Linus Berling’s shadow, and that was both a curse and a blessing. He wasn’t smug or pompous, so that was refreshing, but being stuck at his side meant that I had to spend far too much time listening to other royals issue backhanded compliments and mutter all sorts of derogatory remarks under their breath.
The dinner service began with King Evert and Queen Mina being seated at the main table in the center of the ballroom. All the guests waited in a procession to enter the ballroom, and as they did, the King’s personal guard announced who they were and where they were from. Then they would greet the King and Queen and head to their own table.
As King Evert’s cousins and closest friends, the Berlings were right at the front of the line—only entering behind King Loki and Queen Wendy of the Trylle; King Mikko, Queen Linnea, and King Mikko’s brother Prince Kennet of the Skojare; and Queen Sara of the Vittra. The Omte Queen had declined to attend, but that was fairly standard for the Omte.
While Linus and his parents were seated beside the King, I had to stand behind Linus. I of course couldn’t actually eat with them. I was only there to whisper in Linus’s ear, telling him the names, titles, and tribes of the royals who were coming to greet us at the table.
Once all the guests were seated and dinner was served, I was allowed to duck away and sneak back to sit with other trackers. Ember, Tilda, Ridley, and Simon were all seated togethe
r at a round table in the corner, and Tilda had been nice enough to save a spot for me between her and Ridley. I didn’t really want to sit next to him, at least not right now, but I didn’t have a lot of options.
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Tilda must’ve known that because she offered me an apologetic smile and a shrug of her shoulders.
For tonight, being a tracker was a much sweeter gig than being on the Högdragen. They all stood at attention in their black velvet uniforms around the edge of the room. Some were near the doors, some stood behind the royalty, and the rest just lined the walls.
We didn’t even have to wear our uniforms tonight. I’d chosen a white and black lace dress with cap sleeves, not only because I thought it was beautiful, but because it allowed easy flexibility for kicking and punching. I actually found that short dresses were much less constraining in fights than jeans or tracker uniforms.
The Kanin trackers were only really here as backup, on the off chance one of the visiting tribes decided to start something tonight, while the Trylle and Vittra brought along trackers for the same reason. The Skojare didn’t have trackers, but they had their own bodyguards, who were seated one table down from us.
“Is it weird for you?” Ember asked. She leaned on the table, but her eyes were looking over my head at the Skojare guards behind me.
A glass of red wine had been waiting at my place at the table, along with a plate of steamed vegetables, and I took a sip of the wine before answering her. “What do you mean?”
“Not being the only blonde here anymore,” Ember said, and though I knew she didn’t mean anything by it, I still bristled a little.
“She’s not the only one. Her mom is blond too,” Tilda reminded her.
“It’s kind of nice, actually,” I admitted and set my glass back on the table. “Just blending in with everyone else. ”
I glanced over at the Skojare. They ranged from nearly albino in complexion, with porcelain skin and platinum hair, to pale beige and golden, closer to my and my mother’s appearance. But even looking around the room, it was a veritable rainbow of trollkind.
The Kanin actually had the darkest complexions of all the trolls, with the Trylle, the Vittra, and the Omte looking fairer in comparison. I’d never been able to even remotely blend in with the Kanin, but for the first time in a long while I didn’t stand out like sore thumb.
“Really?” Ridley cocked his head and looked over at me, while I stared down at my plate of food and stabbed at a bit of broccoli. “I thought you always liked standing out in a crowd. ”
“Just because I always do doesn’t mean that I like it,” I told him flatly.
“I know you hate it, but I’ve always loved your hair. ” Ember reached across the table, gently touching a lock of hair that hung free from the updo I’d put it in. “It’s beautiful, and it suits you. ”