With a roll of her shoulders, the girl said, “You don’t have any money?”
“Not really, but I could come back later and pay. I’m having a welcoming home party with my friends and I thought I had more cash on me. I can go home and round up the change and come back and pay.”
I bit my lip, holding my breath, already knowing the answer before she said it. “Sorry. Credit isn’t allowed.” Her eyes shifted to the next person in line.
My whole body sagged. I glanced out the front windows at my friends already laughing and at ease, now that I was out of the picture. Or that was what it felt like. I squared my shoulders. I’d never run and I wouldn’t start. “Five ice waters then.”
“Um, that’ll be twenty-five cents per cup.”
“Seriously?”
She nodded.
“No thanks.” I turned and shuffled across the tiled floor. I didn’t want the front door to come but eventually I was there, my hand on the knob. I turned it and the breeze drifted through. The door clanged shut behind me. My friends didn’t even notice until I pulled up a chair next to them.
For some reason, I couldn’t look at Michael. After all our nights talking at his window and acting out movie scenes, I shouldn’t feel tongue-tied, but he wasn’t usually in our group, which made everything awkward.
“Precious, my precious,” he said in his creepy Gollum voice.
Everyone echoed it back and then cracked up laughing. It hurt deep down inside because that was my thing with Michael. I hated every minute of it but acted out those stupid scenes and pretended to be Gollum for him, for us, for our future.
His chair scraped across the cement of the patio. “I’ll be right back. Bathroom.”
“So, tell us everything,” Jules asked hesitantly like she wanted to know but didn’t want to know.
Elena laughed, but it did nothing to cheer me or replace the emptiness. She leaned closer, dimples flashing, her blonde hair swinging forward. “I want to know about the guys. Meet any cute bad boys?”
An image of Zeke flashed in my head, his longish dark hair, his smirky smile, lip ring, and his crooked teeth. I squashed that image before my blood started boiling and I had to run ten miles to deal with my anger. I laughed instead. “Of course. Total hotties!”
I couldn’t seem to stop thinking about Zeke and what a pain in the royal butt he was, and that was when I figured out how to take my revenge on him. Even though he’d never even want to walk down the street with me, never mind a real date, I could force him into all sorts of romance with me, without him knowing, and make my summer sound not so miserable.
I placed my chin on my hands and stared off dreamily, as girls will do when they’ve found true love. I let out a dramatic sigh. “There was this one guy. So hot.” I fanned my face. “It was love at first sight over group activities and trust falls.”
“Really?” Elena looked doubtful.
I recovered. “Of course, there wasn’t a lot of time for romance but we found ways to connect here and there. I think if we were to meet under any other circumstances, I probably wouldn’t have even noticed him.”
“He was hot and you wouldn’t have noticed him? What if he were to show up at school? You wouldn’t notice a cute guy?”
“Of course. I just can’t say that he’s the kind of guy I usually like.”
Elena relaxed. “Did you kiss?”
“Oh boy, did we ever.” Jules watched me, her eyes knowing and questioning. Like she didn’t believe me. “The first kiss was the most romantic thing ever. We snuck out and he led me to the middle of the soccer field.” I sighed again. “Pure romance.”
The door closed and I heard the footsteps. I knew before he sat down that it was Michael, and all my feelings and plans rushed back. I couldn’t let him think I’d betrayed our love. He’d never see or admit his true feelings.
“The rest gets too intimate. I’ll tell you later.” I expertly changed the subject. “So Michael, anything exciting happen this summer?”
His face turned slightly pink. “Just the normal.” He tapped his watch. “Maybe I should check on our food.”
Michael couldn’t check on the food. There was no food! I jumped up. “I’ll go. I’m not used to sitting around doing nothing anyway.”
I stepped inside the door and leaned against the frame. A hot prickly feeling came over me, and I had to practice my breathing technique. I’d have to tell them our orders got messed up and it would be another hour so we should go for pizza instead. That would work. Everyone loves pizza as much as ice cream and fries.
I peeked back outside. I couldn’t stand Ava, who always treated me like a queen would a peasant, and Jasper? Ugh. He swaggered around school, muscles flexing, pearly whites flashing. All the girls swooned, even I did a little bit. Some things can’t be helped, like biology. Now I had to get rid of all of them. If I ran, my entire social structure would collapse.
After a deep breath, and quickly debating stealing trays of food from the counter, I decided to face the music, but Jules entered just as I was about to exit.
She touched my arm. “Is everything okay?”
“Well, um…” I couldn’t lie to her. “I thought I had more money but I couldn’t even pay for the cups for ice water.”
She laughed. “Come on. I left my purse at home, but I’ll explain it to them.”
Back at the table, Ava barely acknowledged me. I think Jasper had fallen in love with his muscles as he continued to flex.
Jules put on her annoyed face. “Guys, it’s way too backed up in there. I took back our order. I’m more in the mood for pizza anyway.”
Jasper smiled, cocky and sure. He hung his arms around Ava and Jules like they were his harem. “No. Let’s head to my place, girls. Everyone’s welcome.”
They all flashed gooey smiles up at him, like he wore a cape and could fly. I wanted to puke. They turned, laughing, not giving us another thought, and headed back to the car. Elena followed.
Michael gathered his stuff, mumbling about pizza, and trotted after Elena like a puppy. I told them I’d be sure to catch up with them later even though I had absolutely no intention of doing so. When they drove away, I slumped into a chair.
An empty feeling grew and swirled, reminding me that they didn’t throw a party, they didn’t mark their calendars, and Michael didn’t miss me enough to hug me…or he forgot about his true feelings for me. I mean would a tap on the shoulder have killed him?
Freedom was nothing like I’d imagined.
***
Back at home, I shut myself up in my bedroom with my goldfish and stayed there the rest of the day and night. I came out for breakfast the next morning then went back to my cave.
The Taylor Swift strumming stopped next door and then I heard a knock. The door opened, slightly creaking, then Carter flopped on my bed next to me.
“Are you okay?”
“Sure.”
“Mom and Dad are worried.”
“Pfft. I’m fine.” I rolled onto my back. “How’s Taylor Swift working out for you?” He coughed like he didn’t want to tell me. “Tell me. Maybe I can offer some sympathy.”
“Actually, I uploaded a YouTube video of me playing the guitar and singing Love Story and I’ve gotten a thousand more friends on Facebook and ten girls from school have called for dates.”
Honestly? I was flabbergasted. Guys playing Taylor Swift and snagging hot dates would only work in the life of my brother. “How do you do it?”
He hesitated, probably sensing my sinking discouragement. “I just put myself out there. Sometimes you have to take chances.” He nudged me. “That’s my secret. You only hear about the times my efforts succeed. I’m good at hiding the failures.”
I laughed. “Your failures still probably end up with you on a date.”
“True. But it’s still a failure in comparison.” He stood. “Your time will come. Just take a chance.”
“Cassidy?” Mom called from downstairs. “Elena??
?s coming up.”
Carter vanished from my room and I snagged a book so it looked like I wasn’t a total loser. She appeared in the doorway and lightly knocked. “Can I come in?”
“Of course. Why are you even asking?”
“You seemed off yesterday. I wasn’t sure if you’d want to see me.”
“That’s dumb. Of course, I want to see you.”
She took Carter’s place on the bed. “You never caught up with us like you promised.”
“Still needed sleep. I felt like a zombie.” Maybe that was the truth. Maybe if I could sleep for twenty-four hours and get a memory wipe of Zeke’s smirk, I could feel like myself again.
She lay on the bed next to me. “Tell me more about this guy.”
The only reason Elena completely believed me was because she didn’t know about Michael. If she did, she’d know I’d never betray him like that.
I launched into a full spiel, wishing Zeke could listen and squirm. “It was heavenly. He was hot like a cocky jerk but softer because we had so many afternoons just talking when we were supposed to be doing trust activities.”
“So I guess it wasn’t all that bad. You probably had more fun than we did here.”
“Definitely.” I blinked back the tears and fought the growing ache in my throat. “It was like one big party. I didn’t want it to end.”
“Oh.”
There’s always a moment where you wish you could push rewind and take back a moment or a word spoken and start fresh. This was one of those times, but I couldn’t see past those few seconds where I desperately needed to redeem my miserable summer in the eyes of one of my friends.
“Ready for the start of school?” she asked, but any enthusiasm was gone and the life seeped out of our conversation.
“I guess.”
Her voice grew wistful. “Our senior year. Everything we’ve been looking forward to for years. The Christmas dance, the yearbook snapshots, prom…”
“No kidding. It’s going to be a blast.”
We managed a few more completely awkward comments and then she mumbled something about organizing stuff for school, which had to be a complete lie because Elena is the most organized person I know, so her pencils were all in a line after the last day of junior year.
She stood and said goodbye. I grasped at what to say, how to bring back the honesty we always had, but it slipped away the closer she got to the door. Then she was gone.
That night, I made a declaration of sorts. I would gain back everything I’d lost. Somehow or another, I’d redeem myself, and I’d achieve my goal of attending senior prom with Michael.
Chapter 9
Yup. The first day of my senior year was the worst. It all started with Carter dashing into the shower before me, his bathrobe flapping in the breeze. Since when does that happen? Never! Then he took an extra long time in the shower and winked at me as he swaggered back to his room, like he used up all the hot water as some sort of revenge.
“I love cold showers, so there.”
I had bigger problems, much bigger, like boys, and I didn’t have any easy answers. Showered and ready for school, I rushed through the kitchen, grabbing a piece of toast with peanut butter, but Mom hovered, fidgeting, trying to say something.
“Out with it.” I crunched into the toast, enjoying a stress-free moment of melting peanut butter. “If you don’t tell me now, I’ll have this lecture of doom hanging over my head all day, and that could affect the start of my relationship with teachers who ultimately hold my collegiate future in their hands.”
She sighed. “Oh, Cassidy. Do you need to be so dramatic?”
“Yup. Now tell me.”
“We feel really bad about this past summer and that it was before your senior year and you didn’t see your friends much and—”
“Mom.” My tone said it all: get on with it.
“Oh, right.” She smoothed her shirt and fiddled with the dirty dishes on the counter. That’s when I knew how bad this really was, except I couldn’t pretend to barf in the bathroom or I’d be late for school. “Your father and I feel it might help for you to talk to someone about this past summer and…last spring. I know you pretend that all is just fine and dandy, but we see past that.”
I sagged against the counter, completely deflated, but she wasn’t done.
“As your parents, we see the haunted, empty look on your face when you don’t think anyone’s looking.”
“What?” I guess I needed more make-up.
“We see past your jokes and long speeches. We thought it might be good for you to participate in a peer support group that the Program recommends. Talking to others about everything might resolve any underlying emotional trauma.”
“Wow. Someone’s been reading up on their psychology.”
Mom pulled me into a hug before I could pull back. She squeezed me tight and all her compassion, love, and caring oozed into me; and for a second, I felt safe and loved and like everything would be okay. I’m sure that was part of her evil plan.
“Fine. If it’ll make you and Dad feel better.”
***
The doors to high school swung open and I walked through, breathing in the excitement of a new year, of a senior year, filled with promises of laughter, bonding, good times. The kind that stay with you forever.
The further I went into the building, the more I noticed the whispers and the sideways glances. That should be expected. After all, I was that girl. The one who smoked out senior prom, the one who got in trouble with the cops, the one who went to some day camp for kids that were about to be kicked out of school.
Elena appeared at my side as I headed to first period. She tossed her pixie cut from her face. Her faux diamond earrings sparkled, and she looked so put together. Even with all my plans and dreams for change, I couldn’t pull that off.
She chatted about some mysterious new guy, even though Michael straggled along a few feet behind us, hanging on her every word. I tried to ignore the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach at his clearly misguided puppy love/infatuation. I’d have to work hard to recover the ground I’d lost over the summer.
I slumped into first period English with a figurative cloud hanging over my head. I managed all morning, barely, ignoring the whispers and outright comments directed toward me. I had to bite my lip or the truth would come exploding out, because I was tired of being the only one taking the blame. A simple pact had snowballed into something I never asked for and never wanted.
The worst moment—or second worst moment—happened at lunch time. I stood outside the glass windows and peeked inside the cafeteria, searching for my friends. First, I found Michael and an immediate blush rose in my face, whether from anger or humiliation I wasn’t sure. I squelched the tiny pitter-patter of my heart. He strode across the cafeteria, pushed past several girls until he was walking with Elena. He followed her to a table and then sat next to her. Even though Elena chatted with everyone but him, he seemed not to notice.
My feet were rooted to the tiled floor, and I barely noticed the lunch crowds rushing into the cafeteria. I flipped around and headed to the next best lunch spot, saved for when one has been humiliated: outside the side door by the science wing. I could eat in peace without ending up with digestive problems.
As I nibbled on my chicken salad sandwich, the reality of my life crashed through. I wanted to change but didn’t know how, and someone had poked Michael with Cupid’s arrow except he was falling for the wrong girl. I leaned against the brick wall and raised my face to God above. “Holy heck, what am I going to do?”
I stumbled through classes, hiding my flushed face because hot prickles kept invading my body every time I caught sight of Michael flirting with Elena. I barely answered any questions and hid out in the bathroom as much as possible to avoid anyone and everyone.
At the end of the day, with dread still hovering, I knocked on the guidance counselor’s door. They supervised this peer support group Mom suggested for me.
/> “Come on in.”
I pictured Mr. Grabowski sitting behind his desk, probably reading dirty magazines in his spare time. He’d been a guidance counselor for over thirty five years. Most kids knew he should’ve retired like ten years ago.
I pushed inside, the words spilling out my mouth. “I really don’t think this is needed. I mean six weeks at that day camp is like a life time’s worth of counseling, don’t you—”
Mr. Grabowski nodded to the chairs in front of his desk.
Zeke leaned back in a chair, with a smirk, though he quickly masked it and smiled warmly. I took in his messed-up hair as if his first day at a new school didn’t go so well. Warmth radiated from him toward me that didn’t make any sense considering how we left things.
“You!”
“Hi, Cassidy.”
“What are you doing here?” The hot prickles rushed over me again, a feeling that I was in trouble and about to be found out. I imagined everyone finding out Zeke was my lover boy and that he’d eventually hear that rumor.
“What a surprise, huh?” The smile reached his greenish-brown eyes and he flipped his hair back in a way that would make most girls swoon.
I sat in one of those chairs, just cushy enough to make someone feel comfortable, so kids will spill their innermost, darkest secrets. Of course, every other room in the school gets plastic chairs. What a rip off. I felt numb, completely locked on the inside and for the first time in my life I didn’t have anything to say. Or, I did, but at first I was in too much shock.
Mr. Grabowski cleared his throat and launched into a speech, which I’m surprised he didn’t have notecards for it was so classic and manipulative. “Welcome to the first of many peer support groups following your experience at The Adventure Program.” He droned, lecturing that we’d get out of this what we put in and what a great opportunity this year presented. A chance to start over and make better decisions. Just as I was about to nod off, he wound down and ended with, “Let’s try to get through this year without too much drama. How does that sound?”
I nodded, trying not to peek at Zeke.
Mr. Grabowski said a bunch of other stuff that I completely ignored. After about fifteen minutes, he glanced at his watch. “Each session, I’ll be in the connected office with the door open so you both can feel free to talk. I’ll be available if you need me.”