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I take a deep breath, trying to calm myself. "Mom, I get it. Im sorry. "
"Im only trying to protect you," she says. "And you throw it back in my face. "
"I know. Im sorry. What did Dr. Meir say about Shelley?"
"He wants her to come twice a week for some evaluations. Im going to need your help taking her. "
I dont talk to her about Ms. Smalls policy about missing pom practice, because theres no use in having both of us stressed. Besides, I want to know why Shelley is lashing out just as much as she does . . . if not more.
Thankfully, the phone rings and my mom turns to answer it. I hurry into my sisters room before my mom can call me back for more discussions. Shelley is sitting by her personalized computer in her room, tapping at the keyboard.
"Hi," I say.
Shelley looks up. Shes not smiling.
I want her to know Im not upset with her, because I know she didnt mean to hurt me. Shelley might not even understand her own motivations for doing things. "Want to play checkers?"
She shakes her head.
"Watch television?"
Another shake.
"I want you to know Im not mad at you. " I go closer, careful not to get my hair within reach, and rub her back. "I love you, you know. "
No answer, no head nodding, no verbal approximation. Nothing.
I sit on the edge of her bed and watch as she plays with her computer. Every once in a while I make comments, so she knows Im here. She might not need me now, but I wish she did. Because I know a time will come when she does need me and I wont be there for her. That scares me.
A little while later I leave my sister and head for my room. I search my Fairfield High student directory for Alexs phone number.
Flipping open my cell, I dial his number.
"Hello?" a boys voice answers.
I take a deep breath. "Hi," I say. "Is Alex there?"
"Hes out. "
"Quienes?" I hear his mom asking in the background.
"Who is this?" the boy asks me.
I realize Im chipping my nail polish off as Im talking. "Brittany Ellis. Im, uh, a friend of Alexs from school. "
"Its Brittany Ellis, a friend of Alexs from school," the boy relates to his mom.
"Toma el mensaje," I hear her say.
"Are you his new girlfriend?" the boy asks.
I hear a thump and an "Ow!" and then he says, "Can I take a message?"
"Tell him Brittany called. Heres my number . . . "
CHAPTER 18 Alex
Right now Im standing inside the warehouse where the Latino Blood hang every night. I just finished my second or third cigarette--Ive stopped counting.
"Drink some beer and stop lookin depressed," Paco says, throwing me a Corona. I told him about Brittany blowing me off this morning and all hes done is shake his head at me as if I should have known better than to go to the north side.
I catch the can in one hand, but toss it right back. "No, thanks. "
"Quetienes, ese? This stuff not good enough for you?" Its Javier, probably the stupidest Latino Blood. El buey can control his liquor about as well as he controls his drug use, which isnt much.
I challenge him without saying a word.
"Just kiddin, man," a drunken Javier slurs.
Nobody wants to get into it with me. During my first year as a member of the Latino Blood, in a clash with a rival gang, I proved my worth.
As a little kid, I thought I could save the world . . . or at least save my family. Ill never be in a gang, I told myself when I was old enough to join one. Ill protect mi familia with my two hands. On the south side of
Fairfield, youre either in a gang or against them. I had dreams of a future then; deluded dreams that I could stay away from gangs and still protect my family. But those dreams died along with my future the night my father was shot twenty feet from my six-year-old face.
When I stood over his body, all I could see was this red spot spreading on the front of his shirt. It reminded me of a bulls-eye, except the target kept getting larger and larger. The next thing I knew, he gasped and that was it.
My dad was dead.
I never held him or touched him. I was too afraid. In the days that followed, I didnt say a word. Even when the police questioned me, I couldnt speak. They said Id been in shock and my brain didnt know how to process what happened. They were right. I dont even remember what the guy looked like who shot him. Ive never been able to seek revenge for my fathers murder, even though every night I replay the shooting in my head trying to put the pieces together. If I could only remember, the fucker would pay.
My memory of today is clear, though. Being stood up by Brittany, her mother scowling at me . . . things I want to forget are stuck in my brain like glue.
Paco downs half his beer in one gulp, not even caring when it dribbles down the sides of his mouth and onto his shirt. When Javier is talking to other guys, Paco says to me, "Carmen really screwed you up, you know. "
"And hows that?"
"You dont trust chicks. Take Brittany Ellis--"
I curse under my breath. "Paco, on second thought toss that Corona over here. " After I catch it, I down the beer and crush the can against the wall after its empty.
"You may not want to listen, Alex. But youre gonna hear me out no matter if youre drunk or not. Your loose-talkin, hickey-makin, sexy Latina ex-girlfriend Carmen stabbed you in the back. So youre makin a complete U-turn by stabbin Brittany in the back. "
Im reluctantly listening to Paco as I grab another beer. "You callin my chem partner a U-turn?"
"Yeah. But its gonna backfire big-time, man, cause you actually like the girl. Admit it. "
I dont want to admit it. "I only want her for the bet. "
Paco laughs so hard he stumbles and ends up sitting on the warehouse floor. He points to me with the beer still in his hand. "You, my friend, are so good at lyin to yourself youre actually startin to believe the bullshit comin out of your mouth. Those two girls are total oppo-sites, man. "
I grab another beer. As I flip the top open, I think about the differences between Carmen and Brittany. Carmens got sexy, dark, mysterious eyes. Brittanys got seemingly innocent, light blue ones you can practically see through. Will they be that way when I make love to her?
Shit. Make love? What the hell possessed me to think about Brittany and love in the same sentence? I am seriously losing it.
I spend the next half hour ingesting as much beer as possible. Im feeling good enough to not think . . . about anything.
A familiar female voice cuts through the numbness. "Wanna party at Danwood Beach?" she asks.
Im staring into chocolate eyes. Although my brain is clouded and Im dizzy, I know enough to register that chocolate is the opposite of blue. I dont want blue. Blue confuses me too much. Chocolate is straightforward, easier to deal with.
Theres something not right here, but I cant pinpoint it. And when Chocolates lips are on mine, I dont care about anything except wiping Blue from my mind. Even if I remember Chocolate as being bitter.
"Si," I say when my lips separate from hers. "Lets party. Vamos a gozar!"
An hour later, Im standing in water up to my waist. It makes me long to be a pirate and sail the lonely seas. Of course in the back of my hazy mind I know Im gazing across Lake Michigan and not an ocean. But right now Im not thinking clearly, and being a pirate seems like a damn good option. No family, no worries, nobody with blond hair and blue eyes glaring at me.
Arms like tentacles wrap around my stomach. "Whatre you thinkin about, novio?"
"Becoming a pirate," I murmur to the octopus who just called me her boyfriend.
The octopuss suction cups are kissing my back and moving their way around to my face. Instead of scaring me, it feels good. I know this octopus, these tentacles.
"You be a pirate, Ill be a mermaid. You can rescue me. "
Somehow I think Im the one who needs rescuing because I feel like shes drowning me with her kisses. "Carmen," I say to the brown-eyed octopus-turned-sexy mermaid, suddenly aware that Im drunk, naked, and standing in water up to my waist in Lake Michigan.
"Shh, let go and enjoy. "
Carmen knows me well enough to make me forget about real life and help me focus on the fantasy. Her hands and body wrap around me. She feels weightless in the water. My hands go to the places Ive been before and my body presses against familiar territory, but the fantasy doesnt come. And when I look back at the shore, the sounds of my rowdy friends remind me we have an audience. My octopus/mermaid loves an audience.
I dont.
Grabbing my mermaids hand, I start walking back to shore.
Ignoring the comments from my friends, I tell my mermaid to get dressed as I pull on my jeans. When were dressed, I take her hand once again and we weave through the crowd until we find a vacant space to sit among our friends.
I lean against a big rock and stretch out my legs. My ex-girlfriend straddles me, as if wed never broken up and shed never cheated on me. I feel trapped, caught.
She takes a drag of something stronger than a cigarette and passes it to me. I look at the small, wrapped joint.
"This aint amped, is it?" I ask. Im wasted, but the last thing I need is narcs in my system on top of the marijuana and beer. My goal is to be numb, not dead.
She puts it to my lips. "Its just Acapulco gold, novio. "
Maybe itll work to wipe out my memory for good and make me forget shootings and ex-girlfriends and bets of having hot sex with a girl who thinks Im the scum of the earth.
I take the joint from her and inhale.
My mermaids hands move up my chest. "I can make you happy, Alex," she whispers, so close I can smell the alcohol and mota on her breath. Or it might be mine, Im not sure. "Give me another chance. "
Being high and drunk makes me confused. And when the image of Brittany and Colin with their arms around each other at school yesterday forms in my head, I pull Carmens body closer.
I dont need a girl like Brittany.
I need hot and spicy Carmen, my lying little mermaid.
CHAPTER 19 Brittany
I convinced Sierra, Doug, Colin, Shane, and Darlene to go to Club Mystique tonight, the club Megan told me about. It was in Highland Grove, on the beach. Colin doesnt like to dance, so I ended up dancing with the rest of the gang and even this one guy named Troy, who was an amazing dancer. I think I picked up some moves I can introduce to our pom squad.
Now were at Sierras, headed for the private beach behind her house. My mom knows Im sleeping at Sierras tonight, so I dont have to worry about checking in. While Sierra and I are setting up blankets on the sand, Darlene is lagging behind with the guys, who are unloading stashed beer and bottles of wine from the back of Colins car.
"Doug and I had sex last weekend," Sierra blurts out.
"Seriously?"
"Yeah. I know I wanted to wait until we were in college, but it just happened. His parents were out of town, and I went over to his place and one thing led to another and we just did it. "
"Wow. So, how was it?"
"I dont know. To be honest it was kinda weird. But he was really sweet afterward, asking me over and over if I was okay. And at night he came to my house and brought me three dozen red roses. I had to lie to my parents and say they were for our anniversary. I couldnt very well say the flowers were in celebration of his taking my virginity. What about you and Colin?"