Page 52
Poppy pushed the door open and peered around the side. I turned away, not wanting to see the pity in her eyes. She knelt down in front of me, and I tensed. “This is going to be a stupid question, but are you okay?” she asked. I shook my head, wrapping my arms around myself. She was right, that was a stupid question.
“I’m sorry. I know this isn’t much, but it never lasts very long, I promise. ” It wasn’t much at all. The length of time didn’t matter; I didn’t want him anywhere near me for one second.
“Shh, I know. You don’t need to say anything. ” Poppy wiped the tears from my face. I didn’t even have the energy to push her away. “Come on. I’ll take you back to the bedroom. You need some sleep. ”
I stood beside my bed and let Poppy dress me in some pajamas. It was as if I had forgotten how to do everything. She guided me down on the bed and tucked me in. I felt like her daughter. Violet was already asleep, and I wished I was too.
***
I wished I could speak to Lewis, even for just a second, just to hear his voice. Pressing my face into the pillow, I cried silently. The bed shook where my body heaved from my sobbing. I could still feel him on me. As ill as I felt, I couldn’t even get up and be sick. My legs were too heavy, and I just wanted to curl up and sleep.
Closing my eyes, I pictured Lewis’s face, his smile, his laugh, and the way he said my name. I could still hear it perfectly in my head. Sum. He was too lazy to say my whole name most of the time, but it still gave me butterflies every time he said it. And the way his eyes lit up when he said it, like he was so happy just to say my name.
When I was with Lewis, it was special. He made me feel special, like the only girl in the whole world. He was soft and gentle. With him it meant everything. I was safe and loved. I cried harder, remembering how amazing it felt with him. I would never have that again. Now it was messed up and dirty. I was messed up and dirty, and Lewis would never look at me in the same way again. How could he?
I buried my head in the soaking wet pillow and squeezed my eyes closed again. All I wanted was to fall asleep and forget everything. Now I had nothing left for him to take from me, though. Did it really matter what he did to me now? I curled up tighter, making myself as small as I could, and hugged my legs. I cried until I’d run out of tears and my throat burned. Eventually, I was so exhausted that I fell asleep. The only thing that kept me from falling apart was knowing that wasn’t my first time—that he hadn’t stolen that from me too.
Saturday, May 2nd (2009)
Lewis looked nervous. He kept biting the inside of his cheek. Why is he nervous? My heart was beating a million miles an hour, and I felt like I was going to faint. He straightened up on my bed and tightened his arm around me. We had the house to ourselves as my parents were away for their anniversary and Henry had a date with a weird girl who laughed at all his sucky jokes.
Tonight Lewis and I were going to have sex for the first time. It was also my first time ever, and I was almost sick with nerves. What if I did something wrong? I was totally in the deep end here, and he just kept saying everything was fine. Apparently I couldn’t mess it up. I didn’t want to prove him wrong.
“You okay?” I asked. I still didn’t know why he was scared—he’d done it before!
“Yeah. ” He nodded and wiped his hand on his jeans. “You?”
“I’m fine,” I whispered. I was ready and had been for a little while now, but everyone said it hurts the first time so I was scared. Hurt how much?
We spoke a few times about when, and I didn’t want it to be quickly before my parents got home from work or in the back of a car, so we planned on tonight. Shouldn’t he make the first move? I looked up at him through my eyelashes. What if he had changed his mind? I mentally laughed at myself. What seventeen-year-old guy changed his mind about sex?
“You’re nervous,” I said, blushing.
He nodded. “A bit. ”
“Why?” He shrugged, giving nothing away. “Lewis?”
“I dunno, it’s just different this time. And you’re a virgin. ” Oh, sorry! I frowned, and he laughed. “That’s not a bad thing, Sum. ”
“I know,” I replied, narrowing my eyes.
“Would you rather wait?”
“No,” I whispered. “Would you?” He smirked, his eyes dancing with amusement. “I’ll take that as a no,” I muttered sarcastically. He bent his head and kissed me. My tummy flipped over and over again. His lips pressed against mine forcefully but somehow gently at the same time. It was dizzying. “I’m ready now,” I muttered against his lips.
Page 53
He groaned and tangled his fingers in my hair. “Wait, should I have roses scattered on the bed or something cheesy like that?”
“Yeah, because every girl wants a thorn sticking in her butt on her first time. It’ll be special. I don’t need all the cheesiness. ” His lips covered mine suddenly. After a second, I kissed him back and we fell onto the mattress. My clothes just seemed to disappear. He was good at this. I felt stupid, not really knowing what to do.
Lewis was gentle as he pushed inside me, really gentle, but it still bloody hurt. Closing my eyes, I gripped hold of his back. I loved how he made me feel, that we were like one person right now, but I couldn’t ignore the pain. I bit down on my lip and he stilled. “Do you want to stop?”
“No!” I blushed at how desperate I sounded, but it was true—I really didn’t want to stop. I wanted to get past the hurting part. “I like being this close to you and, anyway, I’ll be okay after a few minutes. ” I hope. Kerri better be right! He kissed me again, and I was too lost, too wrapped up in him to think about the pain that was very slowly subsiding. It was perfect, even without the candles and roses.
***
I cuddled into his side with my head on his chest. “You okay? Does it still hurt? You’re not still in pain, are you? I can get you something,” he rambled, drawing random shapes on my back with his fingers.
“Lewis, chill, I’m fine. ”
“You said it hurt. ”
“It did, but I think I’ll survive. ” I rolled my eyes.
“So you’re in pain, but you won’t take anything for it because it’s not a pain that will kill you?” He shook his head and looked at me in amusement. “I think your stubbornness has reached a new level. ”
“Or,” I said, “I’m just not a big baby. Besides it’s a nice pain, and it doesn’t really hurt that much now. ”
“You’re such a weirdo,” he teased and kissed my forehead.
I laughed. “Yeah, love you too. ”
19
SUMMER
Thursday, January 20th (Present)
Poppy woke me up in the morning by stroking my hair and whispering, “Lily. ” Summer, Summer, Summer, Summer, Summer! I squeezed my eyes closed and a tear escaped, dripping onto the pillow. Wrapping the cover around me tightly, I pressed my face into the pillow. Leave me alone. “Hey, it’s okay. Don’t cry. He’s already gone,” Poppy said. I heard her put something down on the bedside table. I raised my head and saw a hot mug of tea and a plate of toast. I could eat here? And he was gone?
“What?” I asked, blinking rapidly to clear the tears in my eyes. We never ate in the bedroom.
“He’s already been down for breakfast. We told him you’re not feeling well so you were sleeping in. Try and eat something, okay?” I nodded my head. I felt sick but my stomach groaned, begging for food. “I’ll leave you to it. Call me if you need anything. ” She walked out of the room and closed the door. I gulped down the panic at her leaving me. I wanted to be alone, but I didn’t feel safe. None of us were safe down here, but we were safer together. He couldn’t just magic his way in here—appear in front of me—but it still scared me. He had so much control over us.
I sat against the wall and pulled the cover over me for protection. The steaming mug of tea looked so inviting; I picked it up and took a sip.
After a few mouthfuls, I felt a little more human. My gran was wrong, though: a cup of tea couldn’t fix everything. It was just a normal thing to do and normal didn’t happen down here much.
Yesterday felt like it was a bad dream. Did it really happen? Sometimes I thought about something so much that it didn’t seem real anymore. Or something was so shocking that it couldn’t seem real. I knew I should keep myself busy to take my mind off it, but I was too drained. I felt like I had nothing left inside me. Summer was slipping away, and I clutched at that carefree, stubborn teenager with my fingertips. I wouldn’t let her go. I couldn’t be Lily.
My skin crawled and a shudder of disgust rippled through my body. I jumped out of bed and grabbed clothes and a towel. “I’m showering,” I muttered on my way through to the bathroom.
“Okay,” Rose replied, looking up from her book the sofa.
I turned the shower on as hot as it would go and sat on the floor and waited for the steam to tell me it was hot enough. Would I ever feel clean again? Don’t think about it…Summer. Stripping out of my clothes, I stepped into the shower. The water burned as it hit my skin, and I gasped in shock. I clenched my teeth together and held on to the wall, digging my short nails into it. The water was unbearably hot; it felt like being stung all over by bees, but I wouldn’t move.
Page 54
When I was red and sore, I got out and loosely wrapped a towel around my aching body. The soft material rubbed against my delicate skin. It stung so much it brought a tear to my eye. The mirror on the wall next to the shower had steamed up and, thankfully, I couldn’t see myself in it. I used to think they were crazy to happily shower twice a day, but maybe they just didn’t feel clean down here.
The only tight fitting clothes I had were a pair of white cotton trousers and a thin, light green long-sleeved top. I brushed my hair, dragging it from the roots to the tips, counting to one hundred. My mum used to tell me to brush it one hundred strokes when I was little. I treated it as a game—shouting the numbers out until I reached one hundred. This time I did the same and counted in my head. I wanted to go back there, to when I was a little kid sitting on my daddy’s lap combing my damp hair.
“Lily, are you okay?” Rose asked, the second I walked out of the bathroom. I nodded in reply, even though what I felt was the furthest thing from okay.
Poppy sat on the sofa as Rose got up, and I followed her. I had a feeling she didn’t say certain things in front of Rose, and I wasn’t sure if that was because she didn’t trust her or she didn’t want to upset her. “It will get better, I promise. You won’t always feel like this. ”
“Won’t I?” I replied.
“You won’t. It gets…bearable. I hate it too, Lily. You just need to find something to focus on while it’s happening. ” I tried. “I think about what I want my life to be and for those few minutes, I’m in a different world,” she said, smiling fondly at whatever that image was.
“What do you want your life to be?”
“Happy,” she replied simply. “I imagine living in a beautiful little cottage with ivy growing up the walls and around the windows. The garden is equally as beautiful, with colorful flowers and a vegetable patch. My husband’s a great man who works hard to support his family and I stay at home with our children. I imagine what my pregnancies would be like and how my children would look, our family holidays and playing in the garden. We’re happy, you know, really happy. ”
I managed to smile a little. “That sounds nice. ” I wanted a life in London with a huge flat overlooking the Thames, a good salary, and lots of cocktail bars. Now I’d settle for anything—a cardboard box—if it were outside this fucking cellar.
“It’s silly, I know, but a family and nice little house is all I’ve ever wanted. ”
I shook my head. “It’s not silly. You can still have that. ” We just needed to get out of here. Would her fantasy of her perfect life be enough to make her help me? With her help, we could do something to him. I had no doubt Violet would be in.
She sighed and shook her head. “I can’t, Lily. It’s just a dream. Do you want another cup of tea?” Before I had time to answer, she walked over to the kettle. Boiling water. We could do a lot of damage with boiling water. “Lily, do you want an extra sugar?”
Why would I want an extra sugar? I frowned. “No, thank you. ”
Poppy smiled and went back to making tea. She should be making tea for her husband and juice for her children. She deserved that life. I sat back and for the first time I really realized that it wasn’t just me that was losing out. Rose and Poppy may not have had a family when they were taken, but that didn’t mean they didn’t dream of having one. They could have one now if they weren’t down here.
Tea and toast was placed in front of me. I wasn’t sure if it was fresh toast or the old one from our room—it didn’t matter, though. “Thank you. ” I nibbled at the toast but my stomach turned. I felt too disgusting to keep anything down.
The new Violet opened the bedroom door and tentatively stepped out. Her eyes darted around the room. “It’s okay,” I whispered. Wow, I was just like Rose and Poppy, giving false hope to the new girl. She stepped into the room and perched on the arm of the sofa.
Poppy whispered in my ear, “She’s not said a word, and she won’t talk to us or even listen to us. ” Probably because she doesn’t want to hear what you have to say. Violet was still in shock; her wide eyes scanned the room. My chest tightened as I remembered that feeling of being completely lost, confused, and terrified. Violet needed someone that understood her, not someone that would tell her to stay strong and endure it from day one.
“What’s your name?” I asked her.
Her head snapped to mine so quickly I jumped in surprise. “Layal,” she replied in a voice barely above a whisper.
Page 55
“Layal’s unusual. ”
“I’m from France originally, moved here with my mum to live with my grandparents when I was two. ”
I was getting somewhere. At least she had spoken to me. “Why did you move?”
She shook her head, frowning at a bad memory. “My dad was abusive, apparently. I don’t remember him at all. ”
“I’m sorry,” Rose said, and Layal shrugged. Violet, I reminded myself. I couldn’t get caught up in calling her by her name. If I slipped up in front of him, then who knows what kind of screwed-up reaction he would have.
Violet looked up, directly at me, as if she didn’t want to acknowledge Rose and Poppy. “What does he want?”
“We think the perfect family, or something like that. I don’t understand it. I don’t want to understand that psycho. ” I ignored Rose’s deep frown. Brainwashed.
Violet look on, turning her nose up in disgust. “He’s so fucked up. ” I nodded in agreement. You have no idea. “What did he do to you last night?” I dropped my eyes to the floor and tensed. “He raped you, didn’t he?” she whispered. No! No, no, no, no, no! I tried to ignore the lump in my throat and picked a spot on the floor and stared. I will not cry. “He won’t do that to me. ” I curled up, hugging my legs to my chest. I remembered saying a similar thing.
Rose tucked her hair behind her ears. “Would you like something to eat, Violet?”
“Layal,” she corrected. “And no, thanks. Why are we all still here when there’s four of us and only one of him?” Good question. Fear. That was all that stopped me and Poppy from trying to escape. For Rose, though, it was something else.
Violet clearly wanted to get out, so maybe it could work. We still both desperately wanted to escape. Poppy would take a lot of convincing, but I think we could win her around. Rose was a lost cause. Whatever we did, we had to make sure it was well thought out and that Rose didn’t know a thing.
“We could poison him,” Violet suggested.
I shook my head. “Too much could go wrong. We’d have to do it gradually, so he wouldn’t taste o
r smell it, but then there would be no guarantee he’d die down here. I don’t want to starve to death. ” Stabbing him with something, though there wasn’t anything particularly sharp down here. Hitting him over the head with something hard, but then the only thing hard enough was the frying pan, TV, or a chair, and who wouldn’t see that coming?
“Anyway, how did he find you?” I asked, needing to change the subject because Rose was still around, and I didn’t want her to know how much I’d been thinking about escaping.
“I’ll make some soup for lunch,” Rose announced and abruptly walked away. I watched her go and hoped that when we got out she would be okay. Her family had to come forward and take care of her after everything she’s been through.
As soon as she was busy pulling pans out of the cupboard, I turned to Violet and whispered, “We’ll talk when we’re alone. ” She looked up at Rose and her eyes widened a fraction as she understood why. I was determined to get out now more than ever.
When Rose called us for lunch, I made myself sit at the table like normal. Even though I felt the furthest thing from normal. My chest was aching. I wanted to curl up in the corner and lie there until we were found.
“Smells good,” Poppy complimented.
I looked down at the steam rising off the plate, dancing around and making swirling patterns in the air. I watched it rise until it disappeared, wishing I could float off and disappear too.
“Lily, are you not hungry?” Rose asked.
I had only eaten a few mouthfuls and not even touched the bread roll. “No. ” Of course I wasn’t hungry. Since I had been down here, I had lost my appetite, and after last night, I felt too sick and disgusted to eat anything more than a few nibbles of toast.
She took my plate. “Well I’ll pop it in a Tupperware and we can keep it in the fridge for later. ”
“I won’t want it later,” I replied.
She smiled. “Just in case. ”
Rose and Poppy started another one of the daily bathroom cleans. I knew I should help by doing the kitchen or something, but I had no energy or motivation. I wanted to live to get out and see my family again, but with every passing day I cared a little less if I died.