“Aren’t you supposed to know this kind of thing?” he bit out, the words coming more harshly than intended.
A rush of pink surged up Elise’s neck and into her cheeks, making him feel like an ass of the worst variety. But this was important. For both of them.
“Okay, let me help you out here. Before you met me or after?” There were only two options; how could she not know? “Elise.”
“Just give me a minute.” Her voice had taken on a frantic edge to match the one cutting through his gut that very moment. “My cycle sometimes skips and honestly I don’t always pay a lot of attention to it.”
His vision tunneled. “You don’t pay attention to it?”
“No, Levi. I don’t. It’s never been particularly reliable and, aside from the fact that I have just a few other things going on in my life, before you, I hadn’t had sex in over a year. So no! I hadn’t paid it much attention lately.”
Unreliable.
His sanity clung to the concept like a lifeline as one breath filled his lungs, and then the next. His heart slammed, pushing blood in a rush too fast through a system already jacked on fear and dread.
“Before.” She looked up at him with a little-girl-lost stare too vulnerable for the place he was at. “It was definitely before.”
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
ELISE sat in the corner of the couch, her legs drawn up close to her body with her arms wrapped tight around them. Holding herself together. Or trying to, anyway.
It had been about six weeks since her last period. And though she’d told Levi it wasn’t the first time she’d been that late, the information seemed to have pushed him past his limit nonetheless. She’d watched, helpless, as he walked from the apartment without a word, leaving her alone in a way she hadn’t been since the day she met him.
Brows pressed against her knees, she breathed deep.
She couldn’t be pregnant—couldn’t believe she was. Wouldn’t she have felt some change in her body? A connection to something bigger than she, and yet contained within her?
Granted, her life was full in a way she wasn’t exactly accustomed to these days. The distractions vast, each one more consuming than the last. But she hadn’t sensed…anything.
Even at Levi’s prompting, all she felt growing within her was denial.
The certain sense that it simply couldn’t be. It wouldn’t be fair. After all the waiting. After all the work. To finally be so close to reaching her goals— A pang of guilt struck her hard in the chest.
Selfish.
If she was pregnant, there wouldn’t be any room for that kind of thinking. Their baby would deserve better.
Their baby…
Hers and Levi’s. This thing between them wasn’t supposed to be anything more than a single night. It wasn’t supposed to turn into something Elise had begun wondering if she could live without. It wasn’t supposed to be love.
Levi was leaving in three weeks’ time.
But a baby would change everything.
A baby was forever.
More important than the plans she had for her studio. More important than anything. And though the idea of her life changing so radically scared her near senseless, Elise realized one thing… She wouldn’t be alone.
All the ways that Levi had surprised her over the last month came rushing to the fore. His generosity and confidence. The way he forced her to let him be there for her even when she’d tried to push him away. He was more than she’d expected. More than either of them had given him credit for…and if any of these fears were grounded and they were having a baby together…she had faith that together they’d make it work.
The front door opened and closed with a muffled thud, followed by the jangle of keys landing in the clutter catcher.
Elise was off the couch in a blink. It hadn’t bothered her when he’d left the way he had. The threat of everything changing so drastically—all the plans they had would have to be reshuffled. She might have been more concerned if he’d taken the whole thing in stride. But hearing that front door close, she hadn’t quite realized the way she’d been waiting for him to come back. How desperately she’d wanted to be with him. Have his arms around her and his common sense and straight thinking in her ear.
How much she’d needed his reassurance that everything was going to be okay.
She’d nearly closed the distance to him—the need within her pulling faster than her feet could move—when he stopped her by holding out a nondescript brown paper bag between them.
“Pregnancy tests.”
Elise took the bag and tipped the contents into her hand. A two-pack of over-the-counter stick tests.
Of course. It made perfect sense. And Levi was always thinking.
The lines in his face were etched deep, fixed with strain. Reaching out, she smoothed a hand over his arm. “Are you okay?”
Stiffening beneath her touch, Levi took a cool step back. “I guess we’ll find out in the next few minutes or so. Though the pharmacist said a negative result on one of these sticks doesn’t guarantee you aren’t pregnant.”
She’d heard that before from Ally when she’d been trying to get pregnant and had to pee on six different sticks over two weeks before she’d finally gotten the positive result. There wasn’t nearly the wiggle room if the reading was positive.
Stuffing his fists into the front pockets of his jeans, he nodded at the boxes. “Look, why don’t you take the first test?”
“Sure,” she answered, nerves once again turning her stomach against her.
She peered across the canyon opening between them. Levi looked hard and unyielding. Utterly unavailable to her.
Wrapping her arms around her middle, she tried to assure herself she was just being sensitive. Emotions were running high, and she was reading more than she should into what was probably a completely normal reaction.
Levi was as overwhelmed as she was. Once they got the results—once they knew where they stood—he’d be able to respond the way she’d come to expect him to.
Picking at the outer packaging, Elise headed down the hall to the bathroom, only realizing that he’d been following her when she muttered a curse at her inability to get past the cardboard and Levi reached over her shoulder and grabbed the box.
He planned to follow her into the bathroom.
They’d shared a lot of things over the past month, but this wasn’t one of them.
Stopping him with a palm at the center of his chest, she shook her head. “Just give me some privacy and I’ll be right out.”
The lines between his brows dug deeper, the angles of his features going harder as if he were bracing to object. But then his eyes met with hers and he took a step back.
* * *
The two minutes Levi had been standing on the far side of that bathroom door felt like the longest of his life. But then the door swung open and Elise stepped tentatively out. Over her shoulder, he spied the slim white stick of plastic resting on the side of the bathtub, looking about as innocuous as a bomb about to detonate.
Elise raised her hand toward him, but then let it drop and stepped past. “It says to wait three minutes. We can set the timer on the microwave.”
Holding up his left arm, he answered, “I set one on my watch.”
“Well, then, I’d like to get a glass of water.”
He didn’t want to leave the doorway. Didn’t want to let that little stick with its tiny window out of his sight. Hell, he hadn’t even wanted to let Elise take the test without him there to ensure she did it correctly. Not because he didn’t trust her to be honest with him, but because it was just too damn important.
Elise was staring at him expectantly. Waiting for him to follow her back to the kitchen, he assumed. Fair enough. Rationally, he knew his presence wouldn’t impact the results or timing of the test. And yet forcing his feet to move proved nearly impossible.
With a nod, he followed her back to the small table and chairs. “Sit down, Elise. I’ll get you some water.”
The legs
of her chair scraped over the floor behind him as he ran the tap a second before filling a glass. The kitchen was too small. Cramped. Outdated.
Turning back to Elise, he set the water in front of her. “You’ll have enough money to move. Buy a little house or something. If that’s what you’d like.” Although a part of him thought a building with a doorman might be safer. Maybe something down in Streeterville, like in the 680 building on Lake Shore Drive. There was a market, coffee shop, salon, security, parking—
Gray eyes gone wide with confusion blinked back at him. “What?”
“This apartment is fine for you, but if you’re pregnant, you’ll probably want something bigger. Safer.”
A nod.
Good. He didn’t want to have to argue with her about it. Only as the seconds ticked past he almost wondered if arguing wouldn’t have been a step above the silence.
He didn’t like it.
They’d eaten at this table a dozen times. He’d laid Elise back and treated her body like dessert on it at least twice. It was always with the laughing and the talk with them. But not now.
A frown pulled at Elise’s mouth as she traced the beads of condensation on her glass. “What did you mean, I’d ‘have enough money to move’?”
If the woman sitting across from him had been anyone other than Elise, he might have waited to get a lawyer involved before having this conversation. But with her, he just wanted to be straightforward—alleviate whatever concerns he could. She wasn’t mercenary. His finances had never been a topic of discussion. Hell, she probably didn’t have a clue what his worth was.
She’d been trying to build a life for herself and all her plans were about to change. She needed to know she’d have some security.
“I mean that I’ll take care of you. Both.”
Relief swirled in those soft gray eyes and Elise leaned forward, her hand moving to cover his. “You say it like it’s a done deal. We don’t even know if there is a ‘both.’”
Elise squeezed his hand, but Levi was too numb to feel. Still, watching the way her fingers worked through his was a comfort. She’d be one of those mothers who couldn’t stop touching her kid. The one with so many kisses, the little guy would have to beg her to stop before they got to school and she embarrassed him in front of his friends.
He’d seen those kids. Rolling their eyes and making their protests as they tried to stiff-arm their way out of the kind of hugs he’d never known.
Eyes drifting to her glass of water and the bananas on her counter, he knew she’d be a good mom. There would always be food in the house and—
“I could just be late. I’m probably just late.”
“I’ll give you the money for the studio up front.” He had it, and the last thing she’d need was to worry. “You’ll be able to hire another instructor to replace you. If you’re up for it, maybe you can teach a class for expectant mothers, and then work the front with your mom or help out with the childcare you were talking about providing. It’ll keep you involved and social. Help you build a network of other mothers.”
“Levi, wait,” she said with a small laugh that somehow eased the worst of what was eating him. “I know you like getting everything all fixed up, but you’re getting ahead of yourself. Whatever happens, we’ll figure it out together.”
Together.
Levi looked at Elise across the table, watching him with a combination of trust and tenderness in her eyes. And suddenly he was angry. None of it belonged there.
He knew what she was thinking. Knew how far off base it was.
“Elise, you’re never going to have to worry about money. But that’s all I’ve got to give you.”
The little smile on her lips faltered. “What are you talking about?”
“I’m not the kind of guy you’d want in your kid’s life. I’m good at two things. One got us to where we are right now. The other is developing clubs I sell for a lot of money. I can give you financial security. Real financial security. And if your needs change, if you need more than what we’ve arranged, I’ll only be a phone call away.”
Elise stared at him blankly, then shook her head, pushing away from the table. Her voice sounded cool, forced, as though it was taking everything she had to keep from screaming. “I think I’m misunderstanding. It sounds like you’re not planning on being around…at all.”
“Believe me, Elise. It will be better for everyone if I’m not.”
Elise just blinked, confusion swirling in her eyes until he saw the realization strike. The hurt settle in. And whatever hopes or expectations she’d been fostering about him fade away. “You’re telling me, if I’m pregnant, you won’t want anything to do with me or this baby?”
“That’s exactly what I’m telling you.”
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
TENSION gripped him in a vise cranked so tight Levi half wondered if he was going to snap.
Elise’s soft eyes had gone to slate. “What kind of man would say that?” she demanded.
“The kind who’s honest enough to admit he wouldn’t make a good parent.” The kind who’d been telling her he wasn’t the good guy she deserved from the start.
The bitter huff of humorless laughter that answered told him exactly what Elise thought of his answer. That it was bull. A cop-out.
Only it wasn’t. He knew firsthand what it meant to be better off without someone. Or a string of someones. He knew what it meant to have your hopes crushed over and over. To be let down by the person you needed to count on most.
He wouldn’t do that to his own child.
Reluctantly his mind dragged him back through the years to a rat-hole apartment, and the nightmare that was having nowhere to run, no way to hide. To the lead weight in his small gut as he crouched in the corner, wishing he hadn’t come inside—but the cops had driven past the alley twice already and he was scared Child Services would get him. Scared of the stories his mother had told him about the kids who got picked up by them. So he’d come back and walked into another sloppy, booze-fuelled fight on the brink of violence.
The loser who’d been knocking them around the last two months was threatening to leave, his already ugly face twisted and red. Levi waited for the rest of the scene to play itself out—his mother’s slurred insults and demands that the guy go.
Only this time, it was different. This time, she pleaded through her tears, clinging to his arm not to leave her. Swearing the baby had been an accident.
Promising she’d get rid of it.
At eight years old he hadn’t fully understood what she’d meant, but it scared him anyway. He wanted to tell her to let the guy go. They’d be better off without him. She could keep the baby and he’d be good. He’d help her. He knew how to do lots of stuff on his own. He’d taken care of himself for that week she’d been gone the year before and he took care of his mom all the time. He even knew how to make money—only a little, but it was enough to buy food when he had to.
The guy called his mother pathetic and took a step toward the door, his foot landing on an empty bottle. He tripped, turning angrier than before. It happened fast. The backhand that sent his mother to the ground and Levi lunging across the room in flurry of fists and kicks that ultimately did nothing more than set the guy off worse than he already was.
The blow that came next was closed fist and the last he remembered.
He had to stay in for a week until the bruise healed, his skin itching from the inside out with the need to escape the dank space that reeked of stale smoke, booze and the guy who’d decided to stick around after all. For a while, anyway.
There wasn’t any more talk about the baby or getting rid of it. And for a while Levi let himself hope, but by his next birthday his mother’s body hadn’t changed. No baby had come. And he knew it never would.
Eventually the guy left for good. Same as the others before and after.
But Levi couldn’t. He’d just watch them leave, one after another, each year wishing more and more it could be him. Aching to get o
ut, but knowing he couldn’t go. Suffocating in the life he couldn’t escape until finally it was his turn.
And once he left, there was no tying him down again.
He couldn’t stand it.
Some people weren’t cut out to have kids. People like his mother, whose dysfunction found its beginning and end in the bottom of a bottle. And people like him, who didn’t know anything else.
It was just like he’d told Elise about her father. That relationship was a foundation on which the rest of her life had been built.
Levi’s foundation was damaged to the point where no one was fool enough to build upon it.
He knew what he had to offer.
Money. Lots of it. Earned off a career based on leaving everything he’d built behind.
When it came to security though, the kind he’d never known, Elise would be the only one who could offer that. She’d be the kind of mother he’d wished he could have had.
He’d make sure nothing got in the way.
Elise wouldn’t have to struggle. She wouldn’t have to tie herself to some jerk-off just to get by. She knew how to love. She understood responsibility. And the cold look in her eyes when she realized he wasn’t the kind of man her baby deserved told him everything he needed to know.
They would be fine.
And he would be too.
The trill of Levi’s watch cut through Elise’s bitter disbelief. Just three short minutes…how could everything have changed?
Together they pushed back from the table.
Vision tunneling, Elise walked on numb legs toward the results that would set the course for the rest of her life.
Levi followed close until they got to the bathroom, where he hung back at the door.
Reaching for the little white stick with trembling fingers, she closed her eyes and took a steadying breath.
Negative. It had to be.
She couldn’t be pregnant. Not feeling as hollow as she did in that moment.
Blinking, she stared down as all her fears and hopes
coalesced into the quiet sob that broke from her lips.