"Yes, I am aren't I?" Spon let the idea sink in for a moment. "Come on." Spon stood and led Dollop out of the room, towards the ship that awaited them. It had been programmed to find a quaint pub by a canal, one where Evil hoped to crown its new princes.
Contents
Chapter Twenty Eight
Hugo strode purposefully from one bush to the next. His human suit covered the majority of his bulk, his head remained un-hooded, creating an incredibly out of proportion man bounding his way towards a scenic pub on an increasingly popular Earth planet.
After delivering Dip to the Hero's Guild, Hugo felt destiny had urged him to report the success to Nicole and Suzy; it was either that or his libido. Both felt similar as age garnered his bones.
Having parked Chieftain upon Noel Hill, the ultimate hero had jogged to The Cloak and Dagger. Finding a window, he peered in. The sight of Nicole and Suzy behind the bar dragged his desire towards the entrance, and where Hugo's desire went the mountain of hope followed, quickly applying his hood as they went.
"Good evening my fellow normal folk." Hugo's smug grin shone through any outfit. The hands on hips posture didn't have quite the same air coming from a t-shirted chap of minimal muscle tone. "What a pub. Perhaps the greatest man will ever know. And I wish to be even the smallest part of this magnificent machine." Hugo leant on the bar and stared worryingly at Suzy. She twitched a warning. Even without her hero lycra on show, the threat was still clear from beneath the blouse and skirt combination.
Brick and Spiritwind had been talking the two feminine wonders through the process of pouring ale. If they intended to collect a wage they may as well learn how to pull a pint, plus it was a useful skill to fall back on, should they ever wish to take a summer off and work the festival circuit.
Bozo and Schmuk's faces appeared around the bar, a subtle nod asking Brick if this newest patron should be ejected rather quickly. After popping three space hoppers the beastly pair had decided to make use of the Western Bar instead. The new landlord signalled they could deal with the customer, leaving the duo to return to flinging each other in to walls.
"Are you okay?" Brick couldn't help but be concerned by Hugo's shuffling postures and endless grin.
"I'm always fine, even though the level of naughty in this universe continues to try to tell me otherwise."
"Does he remind you of anyone?" Spiritwind wandered from the kitchen to behind the bar. He'd brought bowls of various nuts to accompany the teaching of ale pouring.
"Are you thinking of the guy that played Poirot, because I keep telling you he wasn't that old in real life?" Brick had only one guess.
"There is something sickeningly familiar about him." Nicole stepped forward, nearer to the familiar stranger. "Would you like a drink?"
"Ah the beverage of man, how would he fuel his confidence without it? No need to answer. I will partake, but I also seek to galvanise the team I sense behind the trimmings and plaster of this building."
"Are you asking for a job?" Brick knew exactly how to interpret waffle.
"Anything to be a part of the inevitable push of good ale, especially when it's down the throat of evil, luminous, bottled drinks." Hugo spun, dislodging his hood half an inch to the right. His misaligned features continued to beam.
"How are you with cocktails? We need a permanent barman in the pool." Brick continued, oblivious.
"Your face has come loose, Hugo." Nicole exposed the hunk.
"You recognise my essence even beneath such a disguise?" Hugo flourished forward, removing his hood and creating the oddly proportioned man once more. "Surely a sign our souls can never lie to each other."
"I knew he was familiar." Spiritwind awarded himself half a smug wince.
"It's that Hugo bloke. Don't know where you got Poirot from." Brick offered recognition and a rebuke. "What are the odds of you turning up in our pub?"
"Not that high, as somebody predicted it back in the montage." Spiritwind didn't have a tie on, but shuffled his neck where one would be if he did.
"Nobody likes a smug man." Brick refused to lavish praise on his chum.
"A smug man is content with his own adoration, hence his sentiment."
"Hugo has a very annoying habit of coincidentally turning up wherever we go. He's been with us for the last docile (two weeks), observing our observing of you two." Nicole revealed the truth.
"I'd just like to point out, Hugo, that I don't do that every night. It's just been very stressful....." Brick threw forth an unnecessary explanation.
"We weren't there every minute. Although I'm glad you don't." Nicole shook away the embarrassment. "We've been trying to get rid of him, and thought we had when we sent him to deliver Dip to Velos 19."
"Your package has indeed been delivered, with a swirl and a thump that nobody asked for, but everyone appreciated."
"Well, thank you Hugo, but there was no need to come back."
"You can still have that job as cocktail barman though, if you want it?" Brick sipped one of the tester ales and smiled.
"I accept, with a pride that will burn in to the heart of every shake and shimmy."
"I'll presume that's a yes." Everyone looked at Brick with curiosity at why he would do such a thing. "What? We need a cocktail guy. And who else are we going to bring in to this situation? May as well be someone else who isn't who they're pretending to be." Brick took another sip as the others realised it made about as much sense as anything else. He laid down a few rules of employment. "You'll have to keep that hood up though, and act as our employee. Bozo and Schmuk think we're genuine Evil students. We don't want to ruin the illusion."
"Yes, boss. Together we can make the world a drunker place."
"Of course we can. Your uniform's in the back. You'll need a pseudonym too, how about Harry Jalapeno?"
"At your service." Hugo did a vague salute and passed through the doors into the changing room.
Brick smirked and spoke to himself. "Steal our universe saving thunder will you. Well, we'll see who's working every weekend without fail." Brick chuckled as Hugo opened the locker to find a boater and pink tuxedo. Maybe he should have asked for an extra pound an hour.
By the time Hugo had changed and returned the bar, it was filled with ales and beers of every kind. The practice was going well.
"Ladies, a good bar person also understands what they are serving. We must consume all of this and test the ambient running of our fine establishment." Brick dipped between three increasingly darkening ales before taking them all.
"If you say it's essential." Nicole picked up the nearest drink and downed it in one go. Suzy mirrored her friend.
Brick looked on in gaping awe. "I think I finally understand love."
"You don't even understand the serving suggestion on a box of cornflakes." Spiritwind's mockery had no impact as Brick continued to stare.
"By the light of hops and barley." Hugo stood behind the group, awaiting attention.
"That isn't a sentence, you know that don't you?" Brick snapped out of his daze.
"My words are judged not on meaning but on the hope they imbue...." Hugo sneakily picked up a pint as he strolled purposefully. ".....the light they bring to the darkness, the....." Words ceased as he tried to down his own pint. After spilling a quarter down his shirt, he had to give up. "Gadzooks, you are fine beasts of devourment." He turned in awe to Nicole and Suzy.
"How about we finish this lot and then we can move on to your bar, Hugo? There are many cocktails we have to work through, and equally test." Brick was enjoying Evil as much as heroics. It just seemed to be one big drinking session no matter who you were fighting for.
"Sounds like a day the Gods would cherish, if I hadn't usurped their place in the universe's affections many aeons ago." Hugo's smile had no place so close to a pint of understated ale.
"I'm sure the more of these I have the more likeable your nonsense will become." Brick finished off his second pint and ushered everyone towards a booth in the corner, picking up as
many drinks as his limbs would allow. Nicole and Suzy applied logic and grabbed a tray each. Spiritwind quickly nipped in the back. The peanuts were emptying at a worrying pace.
Contents
Chapter Twenty Nine
The gentle stroll from Noel Hill to The Cloak and Dagger had been a useful time of contemplation for both Spon and Dollop, each lost in daydreams of a future filled with more pleasant fields than damp dungeons. Why did they have to risk constant chest infections and sit in puddles just because they wanted to take things over?
Coming in to sight of the pub, the duo paused to check each other's disguise; many an Evil plot had failed due to somebody's ear ending up where their foot should be. For any passing observer they may have wondered why two smartly dressed business men were in a field, tugging at their peer's nose and cheek, but they would never suspect Evil was here to massage a new regime into place.
************
The ambient testing of The Cloak and Dagger had stretched on for longer than anyone could argue it needed to. Eighteen hours drinking had scattered them throughout the inn, chasing various drunken ends. Brick had eventually fallen asleep in the single confessional, nobody had responded to his dribbling face pressed firmly against the camera, while Bozo, Schmuk and Hugo had spent the majority of their time in the Western Bar before heading to Hugo's cocktail emporium for a night-cap and a chat that could be held between friends of many years. The ball pool had proved a worthy bed for them all.
Nicole, Suzy and Spiritwind's last memory involved chasing each other around the pub on the motorised stools. Nobody could remember why, but all felt sure they'd ended the night as the victor. They'd slept in whichever booth they happened to be sat in when consciousness had escaped them.
With the dawning of the new day, and afternoon creeping up, the pub's occupants had stumbled back to life and attempted to reunite as one group, only slowly and with apologetic eyes.
Bozo, Schmuk and Hugo had joined Suzy and Nicole in the corner booth where it had all started. Nobody had the same anticipation of fun from the previous afternoon.
Spiritwind had been up long enough to prepare breakfast for everybody.
Having already placed three plates of goods on the table, he returned to collect the rest; his path interrupted by Brick falling out of the single confessional and into a pile on the floor.
"Howdo." Spiritwind stepped over his friend, imparting his usual greeting on the way.
"Marvellous, just been checking the inside of the confessional."
"How is it?"
"Well, it has one." It was more than either man had hoped for. Brick's memory ran through everything he could remember before it threatened an asthma attack and had to slow to a gentle stroll instead. Neither speed revealed anything of use.
Brick attempted to stand up. By the time he'd achieved his full height, Spiritwind was on another lap of breakfast delivery. He followed his friend to find everyone else from the party, sat motionless. They shared an expression of confusion and blank guilt, concern for any potentially offensive actions over the last few hours.
Brick only had one response to the multitude of bowls before him. "I'm going to get some water, anyone else?"
"Yes." "Juice." "Something fizzy." "Please help." "By migraines and stomach aches, what poison is this?" The response was varied but understood.
Brick returned with a tray of various hangover safe liquids, keeping his head as still as possible as he walked. Spiritwind arrived at the same time, making his final delivery of bread to go with the meats. The bald pub owner tucked straight in, only to be interrupted by the sound of somebody entering the premises.
Having forgotten to lock the doors since arriving, the pub was technically open, and two smartly dressed business folk wished to take advantage. Seven heads reacted by making varying degrees of effort to peer around the seating area.
"Customers, how nice." Brick's sarcasm was cloaked by pain.
"Would they appear the kind of men who wish to suffer cocktails at this hour?" Hugo barely lifted his head.
"The rate you were slapping them back, I doubt there are any ingredients left." Spiritwind dipped a deep fried stick of cheese into a pot of something cooling and mayonnaise based.
"My honour is my promise of repayment." Hugo's raised hand was as good as a contract.
"I suppose they're expecting a barmaid of some sort?" Nicole eased to her full height and guided herself behind the bar, using every piece of furniture as support along the way.
"And a host." Brick took a swig of his water and stood up. The liquid crashed against his empty insides. Only time would reveal if it would stay there.
Spon and Dollop stood at the bar, perusing the surroundings with an equal air of comfort and intrigue.
"Morning gentlemen, or is it afternoon? Time is not the issue." Brick stumbled along, his stomach still wondering what he wanted it to do with the water. "My name is Dag Nammit. Welcome to our wholesome building of fun and drunken expression." The flourish of the hand merely knocked Brick off balance. Nicole remained at the pumps, holding on for her life. Hugo strolled past in the background. A splash of balls followed not long after, accompanied by the start of a heroic sounding snore. Spiritwind continued dipping his snacks while Bozo and Schmuk stayed still, ready to pounce should trouble stir, but hoping beyond hope they weren't needed. Suzy didn't even have the energy to try and stare menacingly at the visitors.
"Good afternoon, Mr Nammit. This is indeed a lovely place. Me and my colleague were just passing through on business. Do you serve lunch?" Spon remained in character.
"Dinner!" Spiritwind shouted over from the booth, chewing a sandwich of wonder.
"Sorry?" Spon didn't understand
"We serve breakfast, dinner and tea. If you want lunch I'm afraid you'll have to dine down south." Spiritwind made himself clear as he stood to join the chat. He could see Brick was useless at this moment in time.
"He does have a point." Brick backed up his friend.
"We just want food." Dollop stepped in, his forceful persona spilling from the suit. Bozo and Schmuk stirred, but it was more due to discomfort than eagerness for battle.
"Then take a booth. Drinks, although if you want cocktails you may have to wait a few hours?" The snoring signalled the pool bar's status.
"Pints?" Spon wasn't sure of pub etiquette.
"Indeed." Brick turned to see Nicole asleep on a pump. He ushered over to her. "Maybe you and Suzy should go to the nap room for a bit? We can cover things here."
"You're my hero." Nicole didn't hesitate and oozed her way from behind the bar in a way Brick thought only cartoons could do. She gestured towards Suzy as the pair wandered towards the room of hammocks and rest. Brick felt sure he and Nicole were now connected in a way only love songs understood.
Spiritwind had devoured his snack and presented the business pair with his menu while Brick poured a round for everyone, including him and the bald chef. He thought he'd give his stomach something to chew on while it decided what to do with the water.
After delivering the drinks to their only customers, Brick and Spiritwind retired to a bar stool each, chin in one hand and pint in the other. After a few moments perusal of the menu, Spon invited the duo to join them in their booth. They duly obliged.
"You don't recognise us, do you?" Spon pointed at himself and Dollop.
"Am I in further trouble if I say no? Am I even in trouble?" Brick wished he'd sent himself for a nap.
"Not at all." Spon pulled back his hood, as did Dollop. "It's us."
"Crikey. Is this about the towels, because surely a bit of theft is a good thing at Evil Uni?"
"Towels? Not at all, this is far more important."
"Is it the wardrobes?"
"Wardrobes? How would you even.....Never mind. Listen, Dip Sing has gone missing....."
"That definitely wasn't us. Even we understand the Chancellor isn't a complimentary item." Brick's knee-jerk comment covered any body language that may sugges
t they knew exactly where the Chancellor had gone, and who had took him.
"We know that. The point is we don't think he's coming back, which makes me the new Chancellor." Spon beamed.
"Are you here for a gift, because we really didn't know anything about it until you just said? You can have your dinner for free if you want?" Brick looked for any easily detachable fittings that could be considered a present.
"Maybe you should just let me talk for a minute." Spon tried to address the interruptions. Brick closed his mouth and nodded to suggest he'd try. "As Chancellor I have a whole host of ideas I want to implement, damp proofing dungeons for one. Do you know how much money we lose on sick days from dungeon staff?"
The length of pause suggested somebody should answer. Brick felt that meant him. "Is it a trick question, because you don't actually pay your staff?"
"Of course we pay our staff. We're Evil, not mean. The point is; I have a vision to take Evil in an altogether more heroic direction, but to do that I need an emblem of the University's success, a figurehead, or heads, that people will aspire to be, the physical embodiment of our new approach and the riches it can bring."
"You appear to be looking at us." Spiritwind spoke for the increasingly confused pair.
"You see. You even get the subtlety of this conversation. Evil would have fallen out of the window by mistake by now."
"But we have no riches of success. We're notoriously skint on any scale you wish to measure wealth upon." Brick made a very important point.
"Maybe at the minute, but that's why we're here." Spon grinned a knowing grin. Dollop was busy imagining the plate of burgers he intended to order. "Dip and myself had this planned out before he went wherever it is he's gone. We were just looking for the right people to bring the message to the universe."
"You and Dip, because I couldn't help feeling that guy hated us." Spiritwind found a sausage in his pocket.
"Well, we did have a slight difference of opinion, but I convinced him eventually."
"There's a 'but' in here somewhere." Brick squeezed his eyelids together in an effort to suggest suspicious wisdom.
"You see. This is why I picked you, such insight." Spon considered asking for an autograph. "There is a 'but'. Dip thought we should use your philosophy and teachings in your absence. Hold you up as martyrs of Evil rather than active agents. I disagreed. No big deal."