"That depends on how we were going to be martyred?" Spiritwind wished he'd found two sausages.
"We're still trying to work that out. I'm sure it'll be fine though. Are the burgers any good here?" Spon tried to brush past the issue.
"Whatever you think a burger should be, forget it and prepare for a new definition to be implanted in your mind." Brick dealt with the burger part of the statement.
"Hold on. If you were planning this together why don't you know how we were going to be wiped out? And why haven't you put a stop to it now that you're in control?" Spiritwind picked up the more life threatening topic.
"You know how Evil is. Dip felt obliged to counter any double cross I may have planned by instigating his own mission to ensure you were left eradicated after your success. With cheese or without?"
"Always with, and the beer battered bacon."
"And you have no idea what he was going to do or whether we're still in danger?" Spiritwind was finding it harder to move on from potential death.
"Beer battered bacon? Genius. I'm sure it will be fine, Corsetry. Just be on your guard for any suspicious behaviour. Do the bacon chips have actual bacon in them?"
"A strip in each chip." Brick smiled at one of his proudest menu slogans.
The door swung open as further custom entered. Spiritwind thanked his hero timing for making the next comment so easy to fit in to the context of the conversation. "Suspicious behaviour; you mean like that?" The bald hero pointed over Spon's head to the two new customers. It was Other Brick and Other Spiritwind.
"Your nemesii, sis, sises, at your headquarters already! This must be Dip's doing." Spon went cold at the thought of two grade five heroes. Dollop believed a starter to his burgers may have just walked in.
"I wouldn't be so sure." Brick felt fairly confident it wasn't genuinely himself and Spiritwind, the true grade five heroes, who'd come in, although if they insisted he wouldn't put up a fight. He wasn't clued up enough to argue about time and dimensions with himself from another universe. "We told you; our Good twins were designed to look like two people already built in to the Earth program. They have a doppelganger on every planet at this point in the cycle. I expect these are the version from here." Brick stood, impressed with his memory for mission detail and promising it a gift at some point in the future. .
"Welcome to the Cloak and Dagger." Brick approached Other Brick and Other Spiritwind.
"Cheers." Other Brick responded.
"Howdo." Other Spiritwind finished off a pasty.
"Free first round for every new customer." Brick invited them along to the bar as he took up a serving position behind it. Spon looked sheepishly in their direction.
"Would it be cheeky to order chasers? Nice hair by the way." Other Brick pushed the offer.
"My friend, chasers are standard with every order." Dollop wondered if that stretched to food. Maybe things would be clearer after a few drinks. "And may I reciprocate the follicle appreciation."
Spiritwind approached the bar, offering Other Spiritwind a chicken leg upon arrival.
"We may have only just entered but I think this may be the greatest pub in the world." Other Spiritwind accepted the offer, and threw in praise, along with the offer of a chocolate biscuit.
"Wait until you see the nap room." Brick had already commenced pouring the first ale and proceeded to line up the chasers.
"Nap room? You should re-name this place Heaven." Other Brick accepted the first shot glass.
"Ah, but then it would be full, and you'd have to queue for the laser arena." Brick continued to pour.
"They get on very well, considering they could be on opposing sides of Good and Evil." Dollop's suspicion was raised as he watched the pantomime in front of him.
"Exactly; charming too, when is Evil ever charming? They are a wonder. More importantly, which burger do you want?"
"It's got to be the Bigger Than Your Momma Special, with extra deep fried peanuts, times four."
The Cloak and Dagger trundled towards profit as the layers of identities and pseudonyms of the patrons continued to increase at a frantic pace.
Contents
Chapter Thirty
Bum-Raa awoke with a grunt and a confused stare, a leaf stuck to his cheek.
He and his henchmen had spent the last twenty four hours in a bush across the canal from The Cloak and Dagger.
"What have I missed?" Bum nudged Jiggery, who had equally taken the chance for a nap. Only Yakkety had maintained consciousness.
"You missed a squirrel looking confused before scampering up a tree, a gust of wind that was very unpleasant, a car in the distance, a very friendly spider....."
"Anything in the pub?" Bum added specifics.
"Oh, the pub. Last night there were lots of sounds of fun, shadows at the window moving in a dancing manner, I do love a good dance. Doctor once told me I had the perfect hips for dancing. They carried on until daylight, then nothing until a couple of businessmen went in, I expect for a high powered lunch, or maybe just a quick sandwich before knocking on more doors in the hope of a sale or two...." Bum regretted asking. "....those two fella's you spoke to when we landed, they went in. Looked far more alert this time; a tree looked at me funny, I grimaced....."
"Do you mean Rick and Biritvind, the planet's heroes?"
"That was their names; been driving me potty for ages trying to remember that. Flick and Moribund was the closest I got."
Bum ignored Yakkety and spoke to himself in a manner only overlords can: wistfully to the world around them, taking care not to look directly into the lens of the camera they imagined was filming them. "Surely they wouldn't have the showdown this early, and especially not in a pub. Even Westerns take their business out in to the street. We have to go in there." Bum scrabbled around for his human hood and arm sheath. "Come on." He beckoned to his guards who were still disguised as joggers, complete with leggings and tiny shorts.
The three struggled to their feet and hobbled across the lock that ran over the canal. Being sat under a bush for so long had introduced all manner of cramp to their limbs and made the simple crossing all the more dangerous.
Eventually arriving inside they were met with a somewhat unexpected scene, although expectations appeared futile with all the twists and turns the adventure was incorporating.
Stool jousting was underway at the far end of the pub. Bozo was the current champion and beckoned anyone to take on the challenge. Dollop had just accepted and armed himself with a pool cue, his head protected by fruit bowl that had no place amongst such debauchery. They revved their stools as Hugo emerged from the back, a tray of cocktails all expertly shaken and delivered with honour. It had been several hours since Other Brick and Other Spiritwind had arrived, meaning a whole new party had begun. It appeared the old saying about hair and dogs held much merit.
Nicole noticed the new customers and stopped twirling Other Brick. The power nap had worked wonders for her energy levels, and reminded her hero powers that in a room full of single men there was ample opportunity to strike up an adventure based romance. After her bleary eyes had struck soft focus contact with the oblivious Earthling, the path had been set. Other Brick had instantly presumed her untouchable other than with endless desire, and grew increasingly confused at her apparent fondness for somebody so clearly not up to her physical perfection.
Nicole wandered behind the bar to serve the new customers. "Can I help?" She continued to wave and smile to Other Brick.
"Erm, yes." Bum-Raa was unsure of pub procedure and stood motionless, wondering what happened next.
"Care to tell me how?" The feminine perfection glanced briefly at the trio.
"We want to be like them." Jiggery stepped in and pointed to the revel-some gang in the corner.
"Then you'll need these." Nicole lined up a series of shots followed by several shorts with mixers.
"How much?" Bum rifled through his pockets. He had endless cash he'd printed for his own mission.
Nic
ole waved a hand. "It doesn't work like that in here."
"Then how does it work?"
"They're concerns above my pay grade I'm afraid." Nicole smiled, left the drinks, and followed her eyes back towards Other Brick.
Bum, Jiggery and Yakkety gripped their selection of drinks and picked a booth on the opposite side of the pub, with a clear view of the group. They sat, Bum keeping his eye on the party all the time.
"Well, isn't this pleasant." Yakkety spoke whilst downing shots along with breaks for breath. "Very homely, nice wallpaper too. Ooh, a menu. I do love a carvery. I wonder if they have one......" Bum and Jiggery could only mirror the quick method of drinking.
***********
Several hours had passed and conversation had inevitably erupted between the only two groups in the bar. Dollop, Bozo, Hugo, Schmuk, Jiggery and Yakkety had retreated to the Western bar, throwing each other around in endless delight. Nicole and Suzy had cornered Other Brick and Other Spiritwind in a booth. Suzy had been equally inspired towards love and thought she'd keep things simple by pairing up with Other Brick's partner. Other Spiritwind was equally delighted and bamboozled at the attention, and slightly terrified of the beating he felt sure was coming from the barmaid. Brick, Spiritwind and Spon were playing the electronic quiz built into each table top, but Bum-Raa remained alone. He wasn't a sociable drunk, more the angry man swearing at the world he couldn't see. Somehow he'd managed to blame Dag and Corsetry for the fact that everyone was having fun but him. The pair had asked if he wanted to join them on numerous occasions, even throwing questions at him that came up on the quiz, but Bum-Raa was happy sulking, cursing the duo he felt sure were out to destroy his life.
Other Brick's bladder sent a message to his legs. It asked them to stand and take it somewhere socially acceptable to do what was required. Other Brick made the various gestures and utterances to shimmy past Nicole, who pinched his bum on the way. He convinced himself it was merely desire tricking his senses and pottered through the pub with the deluded rhythm and smile of an intoxicated fool.
"Psssst." Bum-Raa saw his chance for a word as Other Brick strolled past.
"Are you hissing at me?" Other Brick asked in his most non-confronting voice.
"I'm trying to attract your attention."
"Then it has worked." Other Brick held his arms up in victory.
"Erm, right; may I congratulate you on your plan to infiltrate the enemy. You have clearly gained their trust, true professionals."
"Enemy?"
"I would have taken a far more aggressive approach, but that's the story of my error strewn life. So what do you intend to do next?" Bum leant forward in eagerness.
"Go to the toilet." Other Brick wondered if he should sit at Bum's table.
"Excellent. Got a ray gun hidden in there? No of course not. It's far too early. We, I mean you, should wait until they're all passed out. Been pretending to drink have you?"
"Doesn't feel like it, feels pretty real this extra confidence. I even seem to be doing reasonably well with an attractive woman. I say well, she hasn't slapped me yet. I must be leathered."
"You don't recognise me do you; of course, this disguise." Bum checked if anyone else was looking before lifting his hood momentarily. His face remained the same.
"I don't entirely understand what just happened there. Is that a fake beard? Is that what you did?"
"It's a fake face. We met yesterday morning. I gave you the necklace."
"We did?" Other Brick looked down at his chest, nearly sending him tumbling towards the floor while trying to remember the morning in question. In his mind, morning simply occurred whenever the bridge of sleep between days had been crossed, within his own bed, irrelevant of time, and Bum had formed no part of his previous day in the living room.
"Yes, in the street." Bum nodded in a knowing manner.
"My street?"
"I hope it was your street." Bum looked ready to launch a slap.
"Ah, but hope is a dream without foundation in truth." It meant nothing, both men knew it.
Bum ruled out such idiocy from the inbuilt heroes of Earth and presumed there was an undertone to the conversation he wasn't following. He aired his theory. "Are you trying to maintain your cover with your aloof and incoherent approach to me? Are they monitoring us?"
"If I say yes will you look less likely to punch me?" Other Brick remembered how much he needed a wee.
"Of course." Bum spoke loudly, peering towards everyone so they could hear. "Eight o clock kick off, that's when the big match starts. You've been incredibly informative young stranger that I do not know." Bum tapped his nose in the direction of Other Brick.
"I really have to go to the toilet now."
"And on your way you must go. Thank you, whatever your name and profession may be." Bum laughed as though a charming conversation had ended. Other Brick scuttled towards the bathroom, the urge building the nearer he got to being able to release it.
He decided to take the long way back to his seat, the one that didn't involve any conversations he apparently had no right being in.
Contents
Chapter Thirty One
Brick and Spiritwind sat at the bar of their pub, or evil headquarters if you believe in sticking to the description on the university's tax return. Spon had long since fallen asleep, Other Brick and Other Spiritwind were hemmed in to a booth, their faces filled with puzzled expressions as Nicole and Suzy sat on either side staring longingly towards them, although Suzy's fist remained clenched. Hugo, Bozo, Schmuk, Jiggery, Dollop and Yakkety hadn't been seen for hours as the crashing continued to emanate from the Western Bar. They'd moved away from outright fighting and were performing tricks. Bum was slumped over his table, murmuring unconscious fluff into a spilt drink.
Brick and Spiritwind looked around the room at the scene before them, then at each other. Two days of drinking had clearly got in the way of their mission. The scene inspired a thought in Brick. "If there's anything I've learned from heroics, other than to lower your expectations of life as a hero, it's that there's a reason everyone is here in this room. A reason bigger than simply this being the greatest pub any mind has ever conceived."
"There do appear to be a lot of drunken jigsaw pieces in various states of stupor. What do you suggest?" Spiritwind shook the end of his bag of pork scratchings to one easily tipped corner and emptied the snack into his mouth. As he turned the resulting litter in to a neat triangle through origami, he perused the occupants.
"Why don't you explain who everyone is and why they're here? Perhaps hearing it loud out will tease puzzle glue to ooze from our minds." Brick had a plan.
"Am I doing the explaining because you're not entirely sure?" Spiritwind didn't mind, he just preferred to work on a truthful footing.
"A little bit."
"Okay then, but I may need a pen and some graph paper."
"We have neither. Would a shot of rum help?"
"Possibly more than the pen and paper." Brick jumped up to get the rum and numerous glasses as Spiritwind focused his attention on everybody present. The bald man proceeded to fold his legs, rest his elbow on his knee, and lean forward in an instructive manner, wafting a vaguely pointed finger around the room. After three attempts at speaking, and two tours of everybody present, he eventually found the words and the order to say them in. Brick had long since returned and poured several shots each.
"Right, this is our pub, which we obtained as part of an Evil undergraduate course we've been accidentally enrolled on."
"We're starting with the basics. I like it. Thorough." Both men downed a shot in celebration. Brick rubbed his hands and folded his legs. His friend made it look comfortable.
"The two barmaids in the corner are actually grade three heroes, who, whilst on their own mission to kidnap the Chancellor of Evil University, stumbled upon us. Somehow they recognised us as grade five heroes and have assumed we're on an undercover mission to bring down Evil rather than being two unfortunate drunks who woke
up in the wrong place. They're now tagging along for the experience, and I guess some of the eventual credit they presume we'll gain."
"And so we can snog them as the adventure reaches its crescendo." Brick still wondered how the moment would occur. He had it narrowed down to either amidst burning rubble or hanging off a cliff.
"Really?" Spiritwind turned around to the quad of blossoming love, although Other Brick and Other Spiritwind just looked outright confused. "Because they look quite comfy over there. Not sure there's any room for us."
"But I thought one of our hero powers was to bump in to single women on a mission and fall slowly in love through a bickering melee?" Brick had considered tattooing the clause on his hand.
"It is, but they're heroes too. They have their own love story to follow, and I fear they've chosen the other us's." Both heroes paused to take in the growing love story. Other Brick and Other Spiritwind offered a shrug to the watching pair.
"I felt sure me and Nicole had a connection. She gave me 'a look'." Brick prepared for another heartbreak, unfolding his legs at the same time; it was making him unstable and liable to topple from his stool.
"You thought the cat from number eighteen gave you 'a look'."
"It's not my fault my desire transcends species." Brick clearly felt it was a burden.
"So......" Spiritwind could only counter the point with outright ignorance. "......the two blokes in the corner, with the aforementioned women, are the version of you and I that live on this Earth franchise that we have been assigned to take over. Why they are in the pub, we're still waiting to find out, but the situation and our hero narrative suggests it's more than a coincidence."
"I think they're up to no good." Brick had decided to try and take a dislike to himself in retribution for stealing his love interest.
"We're up to no good." Spiritwind pointed between himself and Brick. "We're here to take over the planet in the name of Evil. If anything, they're here to stop us, which makes them the goodies. By rights we should be helping them."
Brick lost all concept of good and bad and what was best to do. He chose to down another shot rather than worry about it.