Spiritwind mirrored his friend's tipple before continuing. "Our two bouncers are studying to be henchmen at Evil University and have ended up as our muscle. They think we're just two oddballs they were unlucky to bump in to and have no aspiration or agenda other than obtaining a good grade."
"I can't dislike him. His hair is just too dreamy." Brick struggled to hate his other self.
"The two travelling businessmen, who are actually the new Chancellor of the University and the head of henchman training, who also, in a nice twist, previously worked for the bad guy we defeated to earn our grade five hero status; think we're the identical twins of our Good selves only with an Evil take on life. They want us to go on to great success and lead a whole new philosophy of Evil, little realising that we are in fact the very heroes we claim to be our nemesiseseseses."
"Did we actually agree to go through with that whole 'new figureheads of Evil' business, because it sounds like a lot of work, and I'm not sure the Hero Council will be too happy about us working to defeat them?" Brick played with the touch screen till as he spoke. His interest was waning.
"I think we were decidedly non-committal about the whole affair."
"So who's the guy in the corner?" Brick pointed towards the still comatose, Bum.
"I don't think we've worked that out yet." The pair pointed their focus at the table.
"He's definitely familiar." Brick was first to offer his opinion.
"Do we have to go through the fact you think everyone's familiar?"
"Everyone is. There are only so many ways to make a face."
Spiritwind withdrew from the debate and tried to remember where he was up to on the list. He counted through on his fingers. "Our cocktail barman is actually the number one hero in the universe, who stole our glory after we saved all existence. Apparently he fancies our barmaids and is here to try and woo a quick snog out of them. He outright refuses to acknowledge any memory of us and the fact that we saved the universe while he was relaying monologues and posturing to nobody but himself, but for some reason everyone has chosen to accept his version of events, leaving us relatively unrewarded and unacknowledged."
"He's the guy from our class, the one that sat behind us tutting all the time. Only he's painted his beard and hidden his tool arm." Brick re-folded his legs in excitement, and ordered a sausage butty for table twelve by mistake.
"What, the one that sent his henchmen to question our henchmen about us?" Spiritwind double checked his sentence to make sure it was right.
"I'm certain." Brick was also certain that mixing red and white wine made rose`, so his suspicions were not always worthy of trust.
"Then the two joggers he's with must be those very henchmen, in disguise."
"They must have been the last outfits in the bin. Surely you wouldn't choose such leggings."
Spiritwind paused, semi biting his lip and gazing towards the corner of the room. He downed a shot as one coherent story began to emerge from his mind. By the time he placed his glass on the bar, he had it. "I think I understand exactly what's going on."
"Does it include why we never get to snog any hot women?" Brick consoled himself with another drink and a wistful stare towards Nicole.
"I think I already understand that." Spiritwind was very aware of the impression he and his friend gave to the opposite sex. "If that is Bum-Braa, then all this makes perfect sense."
"Hold on a minute, I think I'm getting something too." Brick sat up, fuelled by inspiration and the desire for more rum. "Are you thinking Bum-Braa was sent by Dip to tip off the planet's heroes about our plan and told us, them, the thems that are us but not us, by mistake?" Brick effortlessly glued the clues together, in a slightly wonky fashion.
"It wouldn't be the first time the mistake was made." Spiritwind raised his 'life is that ridiculous' eyebrow.
"So we have turned up to thwart us?" Brick turned slowly, pointing a squinted grimace towards the booth just as Other Brick's elbow fell from the table, knocking Other Spiritwind's crisp butty dangerously close to the edge. It somewhat ruined the sinister tension he was trying to impose on the scene.
"Have you met us? I think it's more likely that Bum thinks we've turned up to thwart us, but in reality we probably just heard a pub mentioned and thought we'd pay it a visit."
"Good old us." Brick looked lovingly towards the booth. The booth couldn't handle any more dreamy eyes and considered starting a fight with the jukebox. "Well, I'm glad that's sorted. How should we celebrate?"
"We could take over the planet. It is the reason we're here."
"I was thinking more along the lines of a pint." Brick was already mid-pour.
"We can have a pint and then take over the world. It's a very simple plan that shouldn't suffer from a swift half or two."
"Of course it is. Run it past me again." Brick handed over ale as payment for the information.
"Originally we had to sneak into a warehouse and steal the light bulb that houses the internet, but there are two members of staff from the warehouse, whom we bear a striking resemblance to, sat in the corner of our pub. And I'm sure they would happily allow us to go in to work for them tomorrow."
Spiritwind spotted the order light flashing. He took a glance at table twelve to see it empty then smiled at the thought of the free sausage butty he would get after cooking it. The fact everything was free to them mattered little. It always felt good getting one over on the system, even when it was your system.
"You've got to love heroic coincidence. In fact, we should toast it."
"Indeed, our greatest weapon."
"Indeed!"
The pair's glasses clashed and hearty swigs taken before Spiritwind stood, ready to go and make the finest sausage butty Evil had ever tasted. Along the way, he beckoned Other Brick and Other himself for a quiet word in the kitchen. They were about to get their very own unexpected day off work.
Contents
Chapter Thirty Two
"I remember this place." Brick continued to wander.
"Then why are you going the wrong way?" Spiritwind nibbled a nut infused biscuit bar while correcting his friend's direction.
"How do you know where I'm trying to go? I could be perfectly on course."
"That is an impressive take on being lost, and I can't counter your point, although I have to ask why you feel the need to go in the ladies toilets?" It was the only purpose for the corridor.
"Where's this internet again?" Brick turned around and mentioned it no further.
Brick and Spiritwind had entered 'Buy More's' department store in the centre of Puddleton. Selling everything from chocolate bars to microwaves, four floors of consumer delight were crammed with items and adverts convincing you joy was merely a purchase away. Spiritwind remembered the way to the changing room and lockers, Brick remembered the girl he'd fell in love with from Kitchenware.
Finding Other Brick and Other Spiritwind's uniforms a natural fit, annoying their hero powers who loved tailoring mismatched clothes to their hero's needs, they meandered through the bland corridors adorned in the same blue shirts, black pants and yellow ties as the rest of the staff, bumbling their way towards the warehouse where they had been deemed of best use to the company.
As temps, none of the more permanent employees had made much effort to speak to them. Everyone suspected they'd be gone within a few short weeks, plus news of Other Brick's discussion with a vaguely attractive till clerk had done a tour of the store. Asking which beak you'd choose, could you have any in the animal kingdom, was apparently social plague. It had sealed a black mark against conversation with the duo, and revealed Other Brick's love of the Toucan.
Swiping their cards through the door-side reader, they passed from the shop floor to behind the retail scenes. Carpet and feigned ambience instantly disappeared, replaced by concrete floors, distant lighting and sheer metal. Row after row of stacked stock sat in boxes, away from touching hands and inquisitive staff.
Various people ambled by, some with pape
r, some with boxes; others just with a morning stare suggesting they had nothing nice to say to anyone for at least three hours.
Upon passing a desk in the corridor, a familiar voice entered Brick and Spiritwind's head.
"Jones, Wall. Good to see you can make it today." There was no good intention anywhere in the sentence, but sarcasm oozed from it.
Brick turned first. "Mr Harumph. How good to see you too. Look Spiritwind, it's Mr Harumph."
"Waffle?" Spiritwind offered him a slice of breakfast waffle while he tried to remember one of the many bosses he'd been sacked by.
"It's Harump. Harump, see." Mr Harump pointed to his badge.
"Of course it is." Brick's pat on the shoulder did little to relieve the anger.
Mr Harump was past his physical peak, but nobody had told him. The sprightly twenty three year old that had entered the store had been battered in to corporate submission by fifteen years of controlling stock. Still believing he would be there temporarily his passion for life outside the store had been swallowed by the irrelevance of numbers, but not the belief that once accompanied it. This inner frustration had found a vent in berating the temps that he was continually sent. "I was being sarcastic. Your two days off have made this place work to an exemplary standard." He puffed out his rotund chest in pride; unfortunately it popped his shirt from his pants, exposing a slither of the increasingly portly belly that supported it.
"If you'd wish to pay us to stay off in order to improve standards then I'm sure we can come to an agreement with our agency." Spiritwind instantly saw a solution that would please all, but still struggled to remember Mr Harump.
Mr Harump paused before realising what he was contemplating. "Or, you could just do your jobs." The frustrated manager leaned in to Brick's chin. "What is that on your face? And you?"
"It's a beard."
"What he said." Spiritwind didn't believe in repeating things, except for the occasional viewing of a box-set.
"How have they found their way on to your faces in two days?"
"I guess some men's testosterone just will not be quelled. With the lifestyles we lead it was inevitable to sprout someday. There are only so many bears you can wrestle before such a badge of manly prowess erupts." Brick reeled off words in the hope they'd suffice as a reason.
Mr Harump stroked his own chin. He hadn't shaved all week and barely anything had emerged. He changed subjects, standing up straight in an effort to appear more masculine. "Where were you going before I stopped you?"
"To collect the things that need taking, apparently." Mr Harump looked through one suspicious eye then turned it on Spiritwind.
"Things, stuff. All needs moving." The bald hero chewed a peanut that had been dislodged from a tooth.
"I don't want to see you two idling around, got it." Mr Harump's belief in his rebuke was somewhat wounded by his inferior, bald chin.
"Don't you worry Mr Harumph. You won't see a thing." Brick doffed farewell and turned. Mr Harump let out a noise of frustration as retort to Brick's name based swipe. It was all he could muster.
Brick and Spiritwind continued on their way, weaving past various lines of shelving, and people pushing over-sized trolleys filled with excessively packaged goods. The duo each carried an empty box as disguise that they were actually doing something. It was a trick that had served them well in many a stockroom. Eventually, in the far corner of the ample space, they found a highly familiar stack of shelves wrapped in paper.
"Don't we have hammocks set up behind here?" Brick's memory threw forth a reminder; his finger offered a point upwards.
"And a telly?" Spiritwind's recall of their luxuries infinitely outweighed his memory of faces.
The pair climbed up to the third level and peeled back the tape that held the covers in place. Exactly as remembered, two hammocks and a telly were in the space.
"Why did we quit this job again?" Brick took the furthest, swinging bed.
"I don't think we were given a choice. Isn't this where your palette truck grand prix was uncovered?"
"No, that was 'Stuff's a Belter'. This is where you get caught trying to re-box a camping stove you'd used for morning bacon."
"Of course it is. To be fair, they should supply their staff with better amenities if they don't want them to resort to such behaviour." Spiritwind defended his actions.
"So, where exactly is this internet?" Brick rested his hands behind his lay down head, hoping it wasn't far and that maybe a bit of telly and a nap would be justified before setting off.
"Erm." Spiritwind spun a vaguely drawn map three times then turned it over. "Oh. You're staring at it."
"Am I? Should I apologise?"
"Judging by what's on it, I don't think the internet's particularly self conscious." Spiritwind pointed upwards. "That's it there, directly above you." The pair looked up at the light bulb that shone bleakly down from above their hammocks.
"Well, heroic coincidence truly knows no bounds. Bit of telly?" Brick leaned towards the on button.
"Would be rude not to." Spiritwind settled in to the other hammock, knowing the key to world domination lay in their grasp, whenever they were ready to take it.
Contents
Chapter Thirty Three
"Add another box. I just need another half inch." Spiritwind's reach remained centimetres short of the light-bulb that supposedly held the internet.
"I've already added three since you were last half an inch away. How is it not yours already?" Brick looked around for further boxes to add to the pile Spiritwind stood atop. The pair had stacked various goods on their skiving shelf in order to reach the light-bulb; however no matter how many they added they constantly remained out of reach.
"I can only report what's occurring. You have a try. You've got half a foot on me."
"Nice to see you finally acknowledging my superior height."
"I've never denied you're taller. It's just that I'm not short, I'm average height. You're the freak in society."
Brick skipped athletically up the tower of boxed, domestic machinery, his hero powers taking care of the athleticism he'd never acquired through training. Spiritwind remained atop the slow cooker that sat at its peak.
"I was going to get down first." The pinnacle of kitchen accessories became unnecessarily cramped.
"Oh. Well, I'm here now."
"Yes you are. Go on then, you have a go." Spiritwind retrieved a choc dip and awaited his friend's effort.
"I will." Brick leaned out towards the bulb and found he was also half an inch out of reach. "That makes no sense."
"I know. Breadstick?" Spiritwind offered a dip of his confectionary as compensation.
"No thanks. There's hardly any chocolate in there. I wouldn't want to take it from you."
"Maybe it's got something to do with our hero powers?" Spiritwind threw the question out nonchalantly and continued to scrape the meagre chocolate offerings from their limited compartment.
"Continue with your train of thought." Brick knew genius could only be tickled from his friend's mind if treated with nonchalant disregard.
"Well, heroes always seem to be an inch out of reach of the crux of their plans. They can never just grab it and run. It usually takes a dramatic leap or amusing occurrence to knock it in to their grasp."
"If you didn't have chocolate all round your mouth, and I wasn't such a manly kind of guy, I'd consider kissing you." Brick didn't wait for a response and leapt at the bulb, grasping it and holding on tighter than a boa clinging on to its last tenner.
"What have you done that for?" Spiritwind finished his treat and dropped it expertly into the bin they had set up between their hammocks.
"You said...."
"It was only an idea. Now you're stuck forty feet off the ground hanging on to nothing but a light-bulb."
"I am aren't I?" Brick looked down at his dangling feet, and the floor that lay a long way beyond them. "Any further suggestions?"
"Aside from not jumping in the first place?"
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"I'm not sure a 'told you so' is going to save me." Brick decided to look up. Everything was closer in that direction. "There's definitely something going on inside this thing. That's no normal bulb." Brick became mesmerised by the swirling colours, and the sensation that reached out and beckoned him inside the little glass orb.
"Let's hope its oddness stretches to supporting weights no ordinary light, can." Spiritwind had a thought. "I've got an idea." The bald man leant out and grabbed his friend's waist, shifting the weight of the tower he stood on.
"If you're after me wallet I can tell you there's nothing in it."
"Why would I want your empty wallet when I've got me own?" Spiritwind began to spin his peer.
"What are you....oh I see; removing the bulb. Hold on, if you unscrew the bulb I'll fall to my doom." Brick spun in the fashion of a music box ballerina, only without any of the grace the little plastic model conveyed.
"No you won't. Your hero powers will step in and sort something out." Spiritwind continued to spin confidently, even with his own support tower slipping further and further towards its centre of gravity.
"You're suddenly putting a lot of faith in what could be a combination of hearsay and coincidence." The bulb felt infinitely looser than before.
"What's life without a bit of risk?"
"Long." As Brick ended his riposte the bulb popped loose. At exactly the same time, the pile of boxes they'd used to get in to the situation passed the point physics would allow them to remain upright. Careering towards his friend, Spiritwind and the tower engulfed Brick and diverted his falling path from straight down in to one of a sideways inclination; directly on to a shelf of pillows awaiting delivery to the Home Furnishings department.
"I knew heaven would be cushion based." Brick had kept his eyes closed since the pop.
"It's not heaven. It's Section W, aisle fifteen." Brick opened his eyes to see Spiritwind un-wrapping a chocolate egg. "Well held by the way."
The well haired hero glanced down to see the bulb in his hands. It still offered a sense of enticement and the promise of answers.
"Those hero powers, eh; never doubted them." Brick's pale face injected doubt into his words.
Spiritwind revealed the soft and sugary inside of his egg with one expert bite. "How does it work then, the internet?