"I'm being careful."
Jon nods and stands up, signaling the end of our personal conversation. "Remember, Friday is the audition. I'll text you with the details."
***
When I get home, Kathy is in the living room, painting her toe nails. She stands up when she sees me. She had looked exhausted this morning, having filmed some infomercial during the night, but now she looks excited.
"Guess what!"
"What?" I ask, pushing thoughts of Jon out of my head.
"I got an audition!"
"That's great! What's it for?"
"A soap opera," Kathy replies, and my heart drops. "Apparently for an actual role. I won't be Woman Drinking at Bar #4 this time."
My throat dries up. How do I tell her that I got the audition, too? It seems wrong, in a way, to be up for a part against Kathy. She is the entire reason that I am here, after all.
"Hey, why do you look like you just ate bad fish?"
"Nothing? nothing? it's just that? I'm up for that role, too."
To her credit, she only looks surprised for a moment before she smiles. "Really? Wow, that's great! I told you that Jon was a great agent. Plus with Rich working in casting that probably helped, too."
"Rich is in casting?" I echo as Kathy sits back down on the couch, her enthusiasm clearly dimmed.
"Oh yeah. He probably saw your audition tape."
"Jon said he wasn't part of casting."
"Oh, he's new to the soap. Started right before I sent my tape in."
"I'm sorry."
She looks up at me. "For what?"
"For getting this audition. Probably because I had a date with Rich. You deserve the part. I should call Jon and tell him that I won't do it."
But Kathy is already shaking her head. "No way, Jenny. Listen, I told you myself - Hollywood is all about who you know. Even if Rich got you this audition, you told me yourself that people think you have natural talent. So use it."
"But you deserve the part over me."
"All of us have equal shots at making this part. Apparently this soap opera wants fresh, new faces. It is all fair game to everyone auditioning."
I want to agree with her but I can't stop thinking about Rich. What if he gives me the part just because I went out on a date with him? I shouldn't have let him kiss me good-night. But being around him is so entrancing. He's dark and seductive and everything I like in a guy. Even now, just thinking about him, makes my skin warm.
I decide I will call him myself and see if he had any part in getting me the audition.
Chapter Eight
"I'm glad you wanted to see me again," Rich says with a smile.
"Thanks for picking me up," I reply, taking a sip of my iced coffee.
Rich ended up wanting to see me instead of talking on the phone. I had to admit it - I had wanted to see him again, too. Especially after the conversation in the office with Jon. I keep going back to it. The natural flow of our conversation. How easy sharing stories of our lame childhoods had gone. How handsome he looks.
Bad Jenny. Jon is my agent. To have feelings for him in any other regard is unprofessional. Anything I may have thought he feels about me is imagined. Agreeing to see Rich is dangerous, too, since I am paranoid about getting a part through dating him casually. But I decide it is less dangerous than actually thinking about Jon.
"Not a problem," Rich replies. "I'm thrilled to see you again. I'm sorry I didn't call you. I have been so busy with work since our date."
"I understand. Listen, I actually have a question. It probably sounds stupid since I'm new to all of this but I just have to know."
He waits. He is wearing a white button-up dress shirt today and black dress pants. I can tell he must work out on a regular basis. I catch myself wondering if he has a six pack underneath his clothes. I hope I'm not blushing.
"I got an audition for some soap opera," I rush on. "And so did my roommate. I was just making sure? I heard that? well, that Hollywood is all about who you know and?"
"Are you asking me if I'm the reason you got the audition?"
"Yes."
Rich laughs loudly, and a few people look over. "I am enchanted by how na?ve you are to this business."
"Thanks. I think?"
"It's a compliment. Trust me." He reaches for my hand and holds it tightly. "You're different from most people in this town. I like that."
"That's great. Thanks." I am trying to say what I want to say perfectly. "But the audition?"
"Yes, I put in the good word when we got your tape."
I blanch, thinking of Kathy. She got the audition off of pure talent. I have gotten the audition because I had gone on a date with Rich.
Rich studies my face. "Why? Is that a problem? Normally people are very pleased when a connection gets them an audition."
"Right. I mean, I'm new to this. It just seems? wrong? I guess?" Under his gaze, I am stumbling over myself, suddenly unsure.
"Wrong? Honey, Hollywood is based all off of who you know. Surely someone has told you that before?"
He is right, someone has. Kathy. Her words echo in my brain. Maybe there truly is nothing to feel bad about, after all. Rich has gotten me the audition but it isn't as if he had gotten me the job. That will have to come from my pure talent. I probably won't get it, because I am so inexperienced.
"Yes, but my roommate is up for the part, too. And she said basically what you said - it's all about who you know."
"See? So no problem then." Rich smiles, taking a sip of his coffee.
"Right. No problem then."
Then why do I have such a strange feeling in my stomach?
***
Friday comes quicker than I expected. At night, I can hear Kathy reciting her lines in her room. I try to go over my own lines, but feel self-conscious. Kathy sounds so great in her room. Any time I speak out loud, I sound completely out of my element. I am the definition of cold feet.
As I get ready in the bathroom Friday morning, my phone goes off. To my relief, it is Jon. I want to word vomit up all my insecurities to someone and doing it to Kathy seems wrong, given that we are both going after the same audition.
"I'm so glad you called," I say by way of greeting.
"Hello to you, too, Jenny." I can hear the amusement in his voice.
"I am seriously freaking out. This is my first audition, and I feel 110 percent confident that I am going to blow it."
"You were fabulous in the tapes we sent out, Jenny. You have a raw talent. You just have to know how to get it to shine. Maybe I should look into some acting lessons for you."
"That's great, except that won't help me now. I thought you'd be like 'Jenny, you're great, don't sweat it,' but instead you're bringing up acting lessons. Does this confirm I am completely out of my element here?"
"I have faith in you," Jon replies, dodging the question. "You can do it. I just called to wish you good luck."
"I wish you would be there," I blurt out as I try to find a piece of jewelry that would look best.
There is a moment of silence and I wonder if I have gone too far when Jon replies, "Me, too. I'm sorry but I have meetings with clients all afternoon. Why don't you meet me for coffee this evening? Unless you don't drink coffee past six?"
"No, I do. I drink coffee whenever. All the time." You're rambling, shut up. "But that sounds good."
"I'll text you later. Good luck, Jenny."
After he hangs up, I find myself staring at the phone. Just an agent meeting, I tell myself sternly, nothing more to it than that.
***
"I didn't realize so many people would be here," I whisper to Kathy as we sit down in chairs in a corner of the waiting room.
"It's usually like this the first go around. It won't thin out until they do callbacks."
I look around the room. Fifty other women of all sizes, shapes and colors are waiting to audition. When they say they are looking for new talent, they apparently aren't kidding. They aren't just looking for the tall blond
e Hollywood type. I relax slightly. I am not such a sore thumb after all.
The girl next to me looks on the verge of tears as she mumbles through her lines. Across from us is another woman who looks as if she has been up for a week straight. Her movements are jerky. But for every strange sight I see, there are tons of other women who looked polished and ready to go. Kathy is one of them. I probably look like a scared kid on her first day at a new school.
"You'll be fine," Kathy whispers to me. "Honestly. Just be yourself and give it your all."
"Everyone else looks so experienced. I know Rich was doing me a favor but maybe he shouldn't have."
"Don't be silly. Seriously, Jenny, you moved out here for this. Take this chance."
I look at Kathy closely. Anything sour she may have felt over me getting this audition is gone. Either she is a great actress or she truly is okay with it. In order to save my sanity, I decide to think of it as her being okay with it.
"I still think I'm going to blow it. Jon called while I was getting ready and didn't come right out to say it, but I can tell he isn't expecting me to get a callback either." I sigh. "I guess I can tell him how it goes when we meet for coffee."
"You're meeting with Jon for coffee?"
"Yeah, once he is done with his meetings for the day."
"How nice of him," Kathy replies, her tone curt.
I find myself studying her face. It is subtle but her features have definitely tightened. I knew I wasn't imagining it.
"Yeah," I reply slowly, wanting to change the subject. "Anyway, I'm sure I won't have much to say."
"Jon is very involved with his clients," Kathy says and then she looks at me, forcing a smile on her face. "He'll give you tips, I'm sure."
I open my mouth to reply when a name is called. The first woman, a perfectly polished redhead, goes in to the room, shutting the door behind her. I exhale and push thoughts of Kathy and Jon out of my head. Time to review my lines.
***
Kathy goes in before me. She texts me twenty minutes later to tell me she is waiting for me downstairs in the lobby. All I can do now is wait. I watch the other girls go in and not return. The girl next to me looks as though she might burst into tears when her name is called. I wonder what her story is, I think as I watch her go.
By the time my name is called, there are about ten of us left. My feet feel like lead as I make my way into the room. There are three people in the room.
A tall balding man in the middle waves at me. "Jenny, right?"
"Yes, sir," I reply meekly.
"I'm August Grant. I'm the producer. This is my assistant, Amanda Fields and the head casting director, Billy Arch."
A thin blonde woman smiles at me. Next to her, a gruff-looking man, obviously Billy, nods his head.
"It's nice to meet you." I try not to let the camera filming the audition make me nervous.
"Now, if you'd like to step to the middle of the room. We're going to start with the first scene, okay?"
I take a deep breath.
***
I press the elevator button, trying to control the sinking feeling in my gut. Part of me wants to cry. The other part of me just feels like an idiot. Why had I thought I could do this? I feel confident I have messed up the audition. The logical part of me is saying I didn't come off it as badly as I think I did. But the louder, nagging voice in my brain says I was terrible.
The first scene went okay. I ended up downplaying almost everything so it fell a little flat. I could tell Mr. Grant and his assistant were perplexed. But it was Billy Arch who was brutally honest with me.
"That was dull," he says, furrowing his thick eyebrows. "In this scene, your step-sister is in a coma and your boyfriend is accusing you of being the reason she almost died. We need to feel that from you - the horror that your boyfriend could accuse you of such a thing."
The next take is on the other end of the spectrum. Completely bonkers. But if my non-existent boyfriend had accused me of such a thing, of course I am going to completely flip out, right?
Wrong.
"Let's try it again," Billy says with a shake of his head. "But in the middle this time, Jenny. Less mentally unhinged, more aghast and horrified."
Trying not to act flustered, I go through the scene one more time. This time, Amanda writes something down on a sheet of paper and August nods at her.
"Okay, great. You've got a lot of energy," Billy says, looking at my head shot. "I can see that you're new to the rodeo. That's fine. We're looking for new talent. But you might want to figure out how to properly channel the energy you're feeling. You take any acting classes?"
"No, sir."
"You need to. Let's skip to scene three and run through it."
This scene was the overly dramatic one where my character decides that popping pills would solve all her problems. By this point, I am feeling so flustered, like I have fucked it all up, that I go through it without needing to glance at my paper once.
Yet their faces are blank when I finish. Billy ends the audition after that scene. There is no mention of a callback. There is nothing to read off their faces. I feel like a complete failure.
I try to tell myself it doesn't matter. There is no way that I would have gotten the part. I wouldn't have even gotten the audition if it hadn't been for Rich. I should start small. Back to my dream of a tampon commercial, I suppose. Oh well. Kathy deserves the part - more than I do.
I try to repeat that mantra as I step onto the main floor of the building we are in. I promptly stop. By the front desk is Kathy? and Jon. He is holding flowers in one hand. My heart skips a beat. Both of their faces are drawn tight and it looks as if they are bickering. That can't be correct. What could they possibly bicker about?
I steel myself and walk over. As soon as they see me, they both try to hide the expressions on their faces. I decide I will play dumb. I wave as I walk over, making sure to look like I haven't noticed anything peculiar.
"Hey," I say, smiling. "I thought you had meetings with clients."
Jon looks sheepish. "I do. But I wanted to swing by and see you. These are for you." He hands me the bouquet of flowers.
My face flushes. I didn't think that they were meant for me. I take the flowers gingerly.
"You didn't have to do that," I reply. "Really. I'm sure I bombed the audition."
"I'm sure you did fine," Kathy interjects.
I glance at her, trying to gauge her mood but her face is blank. "I don't know. When I left, they had no expression on their faces. I have no idea how they felt about my performance."
"It's your first audition. Don't be so hard on yourself," Kathy replies.
"How did it go with you?"
Kathy's gaze flicks to Jon. "Fine. Listen, I'll wait for you in the car, okay?"
I watch her leave, frowning. First, the two of them were bickering and now Kathy's sudden exit. I turn to look at Jon. "What was that about?"
"What?"
"I don't know," I lie. "She just seemed off, don't you think?"
"Did she? Anyway, I'm sure you did fine on the audition. I really wouldn't worry."
"Maybe," I reply, smelling the flowers. "You really didn't have to get me these though."
"Just think of it as an apology for not being able to be here for the audition. And the fact that something came up so I can't have coffee with you tonight."
I want to hide behind the flowers. I am pretty sure I am blushing. There is no way that agents usually bought their clients flowers, right? I wasn't sure. It seems like it wouldn't be the case. But it isn't as if I have a ton to go off of. I didn't want to read too much into something that isn't really there. Do I really deserve flowers because he had something come up?
"Well, they are beautiful. Thanks."
"No problem. I have to head out because I have another meeting, but I'm glad that I was able to catch you."
"Me, too."
"I'll call you once I hear something."
I nod and watch him leave. My heart beat
ing loudly in my chest. I cling to the flowers, watching him depart. Coming all this way to see how I did. Giving me these flowers. Is it crazy that maybe he has a crush on me, or is it merely wishful thinking?
Chapter Nine
On the way home, Kathy makes small talk about the audition but doesn't mention Jon or the flowers. She is acting okay with me. If she is really mad at me for having Jon as my agent, wouldn't she say something?
In any case, when we get home, Kathy goes to her room, claiming she is going to have a nap. I decide to put the flowers in my room. When my phone goes off, I realize it is Rich.
"What are you doing tonight?" he asks when I pick up.
"Well, I had plans but they fell through."
"Come out with me."
"And do what?"
"What do you want to do? Clubbing? Dinner?"
"Honestly, I'm pretty tired. How about just a movie?"
We agree on a time for him to pick me up. I decide to let Kathy know that I am going to be leaving. When I come out, she is already in the living room with an overnight bag.
"Hey, what's going on?"
"My friend is having a birthday party in West Hollywood. I figured I'll probably be too drunk to drive so I'm just going to crash there. You okay for the night?"
I nod. "I'm seeing Rich tonight anyway."
Kathy's shoulders relax slightly. "Okay. Well, be safe."
***
"So, anything you wanted to see?" Rich asks as we pull up into the movie theater parking lot.
"I probably should have picked one out beforehand. Nothing sad, I know that."
"Okay. We'll just see what's playing."
Rich looks amazing tonight. His sandy blond hair falls in his eyes a little and he is wearing a black button-up shirt and dress pants. I keep thinking back to us on the dance floor from our last date. I want his hands on me. I can feel the energy vibrating between the two of us. He wants me, too.
"How did the audition go?" he asks casually.
I shrug. "Okay, I think. Hard to tell by their lack of facial expressions so I guess we'll just have to wait and see."
"I'm sure you did fine. They always keep blank faces. Treat it all so seriously."
"Why weren't you sitting in on the auditions?"
"I'm not the head casting director. I only have some say in what goes on there."
I think about Jon saying he is bad news. I wish I knew what had happened between the two of them.
"It's fine. My friend Kathy is up for the same spot. She deserves it."