CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO: MOTHERS AND BROTHERS
“Daddy,” Charlie whispered, poking Vince hard enough in the back to yank him from a deep sleep.
“Whu…? Oh, hey, buddy. Good morning,” Vince mumbled.
“Where’d your hair go?” Charlie asked with wide eyes, though they were merely curious, not frightened. “Did you shave it?”
Vince sat up and rubbed the sleep from his eyes. “I did. It was starting to look pretty silly. What do you think?”
“It’s weird but I like it,” Charlie replied. “You look like a motorcycle guy!”
“A motorcycle guy?” Vince chuckled. “All right, then.” He glanced at his clock. “We’ve got an hour before church. It’s a little early. Want some pancakes?”
“Waffles!” Charlie shouted, prancing out of the room in pajamas that were half-twisted around his body.
“My waffles never turn out quite right,” Vince said, yawning and reaching around scratch his back.
“I like when they look funny. Last time you made them, one looked like my teacher,” Charlie said, opening up the cabinet that held the few small kitchen appliances they had. The waffle iron was too heavy for him to lift, though, so Vince picked it up for him.
Vince did the best he could with waffles, considering he’d just woken up but already had a particular scene from the previous night playing on a loop in his head. He discovered that it was nice to have something positive to think about. He knew that if he delved any deeper into his relationship with Angela—for instance, thinking about whether he would tell Charlie or even Jenna—his thoughts wouldn’t stay purely happy for long. Thus, he stuck with reliving the best kiss he could remember while he tried not to burn breakfast.
“You look like an alien too,” Charlie said, getting up on a step stool to get two small plastic cups out of an upper cabinet.
“Do I? What planet am I from?”
“Mars. Only Mars has aliens.”
Vince grinned. “Oh. Where’d you learn that?”
“Cartoon Network. Do you want juice?”
“Sure, but be careful pouring, okay? Remember how long it took to get the floor un-sticky when you spilled last week?”
“What are we gonna do after church today?” Charlie asked.
“Well, Angela was going to come over. Would you like that?”
Charlie’s face lit up. “Are we gonna play a game?”
“Hmm, I think we might want to get a little more creative. Maybe we can go out somewhere.”
“Can we go to the park if it’s not too cold?”
“That’s a possibility. We’ll see.”
Charlie shoveled down the rest of his breakfast. “Are you better now, Daddy?” he asked as Vince cleared the table.
“What do you mean?” Vince panicked. He knew Charlie lacked a complete understanding of the situation, but had he forgotten what he had already learned?
“I mean is your tummy better?”
“Oh, my tummy?” Vince said, breathing a sigh of relief. “You know what, it actually is feeling better. I have a whole week where I don’t have to go in for chemo, so hopefully I’ll have a while where I feel back to my old self a little bit.”
“I hope so. Can I wear my Batman shirt to church?”
Vince crouched down to Charlie’s level. “Nice try, kiddo. Sweater and nice pants, please. You know the rules.” Charlie smiled devilishly. “Guess what,” Vince said.
“What?”
“You…” Vince said, pinching Charlie’s nose, “are my favorite person.”
“Really?” Charlie asked with bright eyes.
“Of course. I love you.”
Charlie jumped in for a hug that almost threw Vince off balance. “I love you too, Daddy. Okay, I’m gonna go get dressed now.”
“You do that.” Vince shut himself in his bathroom for a quick shower. He caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror and felt an unusually loud beat of his heart. He wondered how long it would be before he wasn’t shocked by his own image. He still wasn’t a fan, but at least he wasn’t completely repulsed (thanks, in part, to some help from Angela’s words the night before), and that had to be something.
“Auntie Jen!” Charlie shouted when they saw her in the parking lot at church.
“Morning,” Jenna chirped, stopping and waving.
“Daddy looks like an alien,” Charlie informed his aunt. “Show her, Daddy!”
A sharp eyebrow raised at Vince, Jenna realized what Charlie meant once Vince reached for his hat. “Tah-dah,” he sang lowly.
“Wow,” Jenna marveled, smiling. “Turn around.”
Vince shot her an odd look before obliging.
“You actually have a pretty good head for going bald. It looks good. You know how I feel about the beard, though.”
“Daddy’s beard is cool,” Charlie argued. “Come on, let’s go inside.”
“Sounds good. It’s cold,” Vince said.
“What time is Angela coming over?” Charlie asked.
“On a weekend, huh?” Jenna remarked to Vince as he held his breath.
“Uh, yeah. Everyone stops by now and then to see how I’m doing.”
Jenna smiled. “It’s good that you have friends like that.”
“Angela comes over all the time,” Charlie said as he led them up the front steps. “Daddy and I come home from your house, then we have dinner, and then Angela comes and plays a game with us, and then we eat ice cream, and then she stays while Daddy tucks me in.”
“Does she now?” Jenna said curiously to Charlie, deciding to be nice for now and not ask Vince anything further in front of Charlie.
“Charlie really likes her. I’m surprised he just now mentioned that,” Vince remarked.
Jenna eyed him with suspicion. “Uh-huh.”
—
The Hawkins’ lavish home was the same one in which Angela had grown up. After training in Quantico, she had decided that despite her troubled history with loved ones back home, she’d missed Minneapolis too much to stay away. After avoiding looking east down her parents’ street as she had for decades now, she parked in the driveway and sat in her car for a while, not getting out until the memories made her head pound.
Inside, she greeted her mother, Ruth, a largely unsuccessful freelance writer who had never had to worry about income thanks to her husband’s success in the commercial real estate industry.
“I set us up in the nook,” her mother informed her. The house was spotless as always. Ruth spent most of her time either taking care of the house, tending to church matters, or making plans with her other retired friends. In regards to her appearance, she was a little too thin in Angela’s opinion, but active and healthy all the same. Angela was grateful for that much.
The antique table was set with quiche cups, cheese, crackers, pastries, and fruit—enough of everything to feed more than just the two ladies. Angela smiled and took a seat. “This looks amazing. Sorry I had to keep postponing. Pesky job.”
“I’m equally guilty. How are things going at that pesky job?” Ruth asked, waiting for Angela to help herself to some food first as she poured them both coffee.
Angela cleared her throat and loaded her plate with pastries first, ignoring the look from her policing mother who had told her before that she needed to watch her figure better. “Not…so well, actually. We recently got some bad news. Our ASAC, Vince Glasser—I’ve told you about him before, right? The one with the ex-wife who passed away?”
“Of course. The one with that little boy you always say is so adorable?”
“Yeah. He, uh, was diagnosed with terminal pancreatic cancer a few weeks ago. He resigned right away so he could undergo treatment and buy himself some more time to be with his son, but…” Angela took a deep breath, not ready to break down yet. She couldn’t believe she was actually telling her mother this, and wasn’t sure how much she would actually reveal. She and her mother had always struggled a little with any sort of mother-daughter closeness. Angela’s past mistakes didn’t help
, but she had always been more of a daddy’s girl to begin with. “I’m sorry,” she said, her voice quavering.
“Angie…” Ruth reached a hand across the table and took Angela’s, rubbing the back of it vigorously with her thumb. The affection took Angela by surprise.
“I need a minute,” Angela said, knowing she had nothing for which to apologize, really.
“I’m right here.”
Angela nodded and reached for her coffee with her free hand. “Thanks.”
“Is there anything I can do? I know your dad’s the softy, but I can be that if you need me to be. He’s down in Atlanta golfing with some old college classmates. I can fill in.”
Angela smiled and shook her head. “No, I’m okay. It’s just…I haven’t lost anyone since I was little, so I don’t really know what to do with my emotions. I break down at the most random times. Thankfully it’s usually when I’m alone…”
“I know it seems like there’s no bright side to this at all, but if there’s even the tiniest bit of one, it’s that you know your friend is dying and you have time,” Ruth said with a consoling gaze. “You have time to say everything you need to say, and then when he goes…you’ll feel at peace a little more than you would if he’d died suddenly. He obviously means a lot to you. I know your colleagues are like another family to you.”
Angela squeezed her eyes shut and nodded. “He does mean a lot to me.” She opened her eyes again and even through the redness she was able to give them that extra ounce of meaning. Despite what a private person she tended to be, this seemed too big, too much of a part of who she was now and who she would be in the future, not to share it with anyone. This was her mother, her own flesh and blood. Even if she feared being judged, she couldn’t hide something so life-altering. Besides, she knew the power secrets could drain from her relationship with her parents.
“Angie…” Ruth said suspiciously. “Is there something else?”
“I’m insane.”
Ruth paused and gathered her composure. “You’re seeing him, aren’t you?” she deduced, her face relaxing but her eyes intensifying.
“Yeah.” Angela sized up her mother, who, right now, looked just like her. With her dark hair and eyes and gentle facial structure, Angela bore a striking resemblance to her mother, but the women had always shared the same look of sudden realization, too.
“A relationship with your boss? I’m trying not to sound judgmental, but that surprises me coming from you.”
“It just started last night. He resigned weeks ago, so it was never really a relationship with my boss. What makes it insane instead of just stupid is that I started a relationship with him after I already knew. It wasn’t like we were already together and then he found out.”
Ruth’s eyebrows rose slowly upward, pronouncing her features. “I…don’t know what to say.”
Angela swallowed, then sipped on some more coffee, not speaking until the hot liquid had soothed her a bit. “That’s fine. Like I said, I’m crazy. Only a licensed professional would know what to say to me right now. I was up all night last night, just wondering what I’m even doing. I mean, I know what I’m doing. I’m letting myself fall in love with someone who won’t be around by the end of the year. But what is this relationship going to be like? How long will we actually be able to be happy? That’s what I don’t know.”
“Tell me everything.”
Angela gladly continued to ramble on to her mother, telling her about how hard it was to see Vince so unlike himself physically, but how it was more difficult to stay away.
“I’m still listening,” Ruth said when Angela paused.
“Maybe it’ll be easier, being in a relationship. Knowing that he feels the same way is such a comfort. Being with him feels so right. But if it’s not easier, then… I don’t know what I’ll do.”
“You’re tough. You’re resilient. You can take a lot more than you think.” Ruth’s voice trembled in a way Angela hadn’t witnessed in decades.
“Even so…I’m still terrified.”
“That much I can understand. I can’t say I know anyone who’s done something so…”
“Foolhardy? Stupid?”
“I was going more for brave,” Ruth murmured. “Don’t get me wrong. I’m scared for you, honey. I know this is going to tear you up. It’s going to change you. But if this makes you the least bit happy, and if it makes him the least bit happy…” She shrugged. “You’d probably be kicking yourself if you walked away from him. How long does he have?”
“Five to seven months now.”
Ruth’s face drooped. “I’m sorry.”
Angela’s pursed lips formed a smile. “I spent so long wondering ‘what if?’ when it came to him and me, but I never let myself think far beyond that because he was my boss. I knew for sure it would never work. And then that makes me think that him dying is some messed up way of giving me a chance to be with him. And then I just get angry. What on earth is this supposed to mean?”
“I don’t think everything happens for a reason,” Ruth offered. “Well, maybe God has His reasons, but I think that’s beyond our understanding. Maybe trying to understand why this is happening isn’t the best idea. Maybe there are better uses of your time.”
“I can’t not wonder. I can’t switch that part of my brain off. Ugh,” Angela growled at herself, “I’m sorry to come unload all of this on you.”
“Nonsense. I wanted to catch up with you, and this is obviously the most important thing going on in your life right now and it will be for quite a while. You talk as much as you need to. I’m right here.”
Angela eyed the food in front of her, suddenly ravenous. She picked up a pastry with cherry filling and bit off half at once, licking the glaze off her lips as she sniffled. “I’m so completely mixed up right now. I want to be happy with him, I really do. And even more importantly, I want him to be happy. If I can give that to him, then I want to. But…I have no idea if I’ll ever be able to be completely satisfied, even for a minute. It’s always floating around at the back of my mind, at least, that we don’t have a future. And isn’t that—” Angela put down her pastry. “Isn’t that why you start a relationship with someone? Isn’t that how you know you love someone? Because you see a future with them, see yourselves spending the rest of your lives together? I don’t have that with him. We’ll spend the rest of his life together, but it’s not long enough. And then I’ll be left here without him. My future sucks from where I’m sitting right now. I’m just watching the seconds tick by instead of fantasizing about a house and kids and a dog. It kills me to know I can never have that with him. I want a family of my own, you know. Even though I’ve done some stupid things, I do want that. Commitment, kids, settling down…”
“I know,” Ruth said with a nod.
“And even if I count this as some twisted kind of family, even though Charlie is not even remotely my child and Vince isn’t my husband and might never be, I only have so long left with both of them. And then what? I pick up the pieces and move on, look for someone else? Because I just don’t see that happening.”
“Of course you don’t see that happening. If you love someone, you don’t want to think about looking for someone else. Don’t bother your heart with that right now. Cross that bridge when you come to it.”
“You know, now that our feelings are out in the open…I can’t help but think I deprived both of us of something amazing by not acting on my feelings sooner. What if I’d left the team, or he had? We could have been together with no problem. And what if we’d gotten married, maybe had a baby?” Angela knew she was hysterical, but couldn’t stop herself. “Even ignoring a baby, if he’d had me, he would’ve had another adult around to push him to go see a doctor sooner when he wasn’t feeling well. And then maybe they would’ve caught the cancer in time, and he’d be in stage two or three instead of stage four, and they could operate, and he’d be fine.”
“Angie, you can’t blame yourself for this. This wasn’t your doing.”
br /> “I’m not ready for this. I’m not ready to lose him.” Angela rose quickly from her seat and strode into the overwhelmingly stainless steel kitchen. She palmed the cool granite countertop on the island as she drew deeper and deeper breaths.
“You’ll never be ready,” her mother said, standing beside her and putting an arm around her waist. It doesn’t work like that. You can’t control this.”
“I’ve always been able to fix pretty much everything. I don’t let life walk all over me.”
“I know that feeling all too well. You and I are a lot alike in that way. This is the first time life’s dealt you a hand and won’t let you trade out any cards. Trust me, I know how you feel and I’m sorry. I wish there was something I could do to change that for you.”
“I know,” Angela whispered. “Mom, what am I doing? I wish I wanted out of this. I wish my self-preservation instincts would override whatever it is that makes me want this so much.”
“Like I said, you’re losing someone either way,” Ruth said sadly. “I wish I knew what else to tell you.”
“Thank you for being supportive. I can’t say I expected it…” Angela confessed.
“I’m your mother. I know I usually have no problem questioning your choices, but when you come to me with a broken heart and tell me what’s on your mind—before almost three whole years have passed by and I can’t help you any longer—then I’m here.”
“Thank you. This is what I need. Not…instructions. Just someone to listen and tell me I’m not certifiable. And for someone to rub my past in my face,” Angela added with a dry grin.
“Well, you know me. This all might be a little crazy, but, like I said, I don’t think you’ll regret it. It might hurt a little more, but you’ll be okay, Angie. If I raised you to be one thing, it’s strong. You got your loving side from your dad—we both know that didn’t come from me,” Ruth said with a soft smile. “Oh, look at me, just standing here while you run like a faucet. I’ll be right back.”
Angela wasn’t left alone to her thoughts for more than a few seconds. “Thanks,” she said when her mother handed her a box of tissues. “I’m gonna need to go home and redo my makeup before I go to his place. How vain does that sound?”
“You’re seeing him today?” Ruth said with a curious smile.
For a moment, one that passed so quickly that it barely registered, Angela felt like Vince wasn’t dying.
“Yeah, him and Charlie. No idea what’s on the agenda, but I said I’d come over.”
“Good. Get in all the time you can.”
The women returned to their brunch, Angela quietly munching on fruit and more pastries with her lips parted until she could breathe well through her nose again. “This was supposed to be a nice time. I’m sorry. What’s going on with you?”
Ruth waved Angela off. “Nothing nearly this important.”
“Still…we hardly ever talk. How are you? How’s Dad?”
“We’re just fine. Tell me about Vince. What’s he like?”
Angela rolled her eyes up to the ceiling in thought. “Quiet, for the most part. Funny—to me at least—and kind and caring, but not very obvious about it, usually. He’s pretty reserved. Only a few people know what he’s really like.”
“Sounds like someone I know.”
“Yeah, well,” Angela said faintly, “we know where I got that from.” She accompanied her retort with a loving smile. “Which I don’t mind, by the way. Although you could’ve kept the man thighs and oily skin to yourself.”
“Very funny. Eat some more. Your father gets back tomorrow and he’s on a diet. His doctor said he was impressed that he was able to walk into the office for his checkup. He can’t have any of this except maybe some fruit.”
“Oh no, what’s wrong with him?” Angela asked, her heart pounding. “Is it serious or is his doctor just picking on him to lose weight again?”
“His weight isn’t so much the issue as is his cholesterol. But I’ve got it under control. Speaking of your father…” She gave Angela an inquiring look.
“You can tell him,” Angela said. “Just…don’t tell him how much of a mess I am. You know how he gets with the baby girl business. I wish you two would have had another kid,” she said with a sad laugh.
Ruth rubbed Angela’s hands once more, then handed her a quiche cup. “I don’t.”
—
Vince appreciated his pastor taking a few minutes every Sunday after church, but he was beginning to feel like a nuisance now. Pastor Fenwick had had to brush off some members of the congregation when he’d seen Vince waiting around for him.
“I’d be happy to talk on a weekday instead, when you’re in the office,” Vince offered, taking a seat. “I have a lot of free time. You don’t need to push others to the side.”
“I might have to take you up on that,” Pastor Fenwick said. “But for today, we’re fine. So, how are things?”
“Good,” Vince reported. “Actually, very good. Feeling better now that I have some time off from chemo.”
“How about spiritually? Any progress with praying?”
“I actually had a bit of a breakthrough last night, I guess you could say.” Just then, Vince realized that no comment had been made on his new look. “The books have been interesting and inspiring, but just not personal enough, I guess. Anyway, I, umm…was getting ready to do this,” he said, pointing at his bare head. “And I saw myself in the mirror and I just realized I wasn’t going to get another chance to do things right. Not just by Charlie or by my other family and friends, but by myself and…even though I didn’t think I really had a strong connection with God yet, I felt compelled to do things right by Him, too, even if I didn’t really understand what that meant. Does that make sense?”
“I’ve been a pastor for almost forty years and I still don’t always know what the right thing to do is. Trust me, it makes sense. Please, go on.”
“Well, there’s a person in my life that I’d been thinking about a lot lately—besides Charlie and my brother, that is. A friend—coworker, actually—that I’d been thinking about as more than a friend. Angela. We both knew how the other felt, but I originally decided I couldn’t do that to her. You know, put her in that sort of situation, let her get close to me when I’m dying. I knew it was frustrating for her, though, because she insisted she still wanted to be with me. And last night, I’d just…had enough. I decided I needed to take charge. But I didn’t know what was best for her, and I didn’t know what it was that I deserved, either. And God, too.”
Pastor Fenwick looked utterly absorbed in Vince’s monologue. “What did you do?”
“I finally just…asked what it was that I was supposed to do. I asked for a sign. And to be completely honest, I wasn’t really expecting one. It was just a prayer out of desperation. But I think it was answered.”
“How so?”
“As soon as I was done praying, all I could think about was Angela.” Vince realized how strange it felt to be confessing all of this to a near stranger, but it felt right and safe at the same time. “Just, out of nowhere, she flooded my mind. So I decided that the next time I saw her, I would try and figure out if she still wanted a relationship and I’d take it from there. Not much later than that, she knocked on my door.”
“Sure sounds like a sign to me,” Pastor Fenwick said with a grin. “And now you have yourself a girlfriend and you’re not sure what to do.”
“Well—actually, yes,” Vince replied with a quiet sigh. “I haven’t decided whether to tell my son about us and I don’t know how much of a relationship I can actually give Angela, to be honest. If I’m trying to play by the rules here, which I would like to do, then she might be disappointed.”
“Are we talking about premarital sex?”
Vince blushed profusely and hid his face for a moment. “She’s a Christian, too, but she told me she hasn’t gone to church in a long time, like I hadn’t. Her past romances haven’t been any of my business and I still don’t feel like they are
, but I know she’s had relationships. And I guess I can assume what they’ve involved. I got married fairly young but I still managed to sleep around first. I know what it’s like to date these days.”
“Let’s be clear on one thing,” the pastor interrupted. “It’s not your job to judge her.”
“I know,” Vince said with haste. “And I don’t want to. I’m just trying to figure out what she’d expect.”
“Simple. Ask her. And if a God-pleasing lifestyle is the kind that you want to live, and if she truly cares about you, then I don’t see why she wouldn’t be on board with that. I doubt her relationship with you is conditional upon sex—not to say that sex is dirty. It’s a gift, and it can be an incredibly emotional and personal experience every single time when it’s with someone who’s given her entire self to you. But I’m sure you’ve already given some thought to that since you’re wondering about how to ask her.”
Vince’s chest grew itchy. “I actually hadn’t thought about it that way. It was more of an obedience thing.”
“God doesn’t make commands for no reason. Here…read…this,” the pastor said, thumbing through his bookshelf. “Usually I lend it out to couples in premarital counseling who are having a hard time staying the path, but it might give you some insight into why you’re feeling what you’re feeling. It’s not just about obedience. God’s trying to say something to you, I think.”
Vince took the book. “Thanks.”
“So, you said she’s a Christian. Have you invited her to come to church with you?”
“Not since a few weeks ago.”
Pastor Fenwick didn’t push the matter further. “You know what it is that you want, correct?”
Vince nodded. “I want to do things right.”
The pastor nodded. “I’m sure God will help you find a way to do that. Just keeping talking to Him, and of course to Angela.”