CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE: EXPECTATIONS
When Vince joined Angela on the couch with a mug of coffee for each of them after Charlie had been tucked in, he still hadn’t decided whether knowing what had gotten Angela so worked up that morning was worth dragging her down into whatever dark place it was that she had been visiting. She had shown up at his apartment bothered by something. She seemed better now after a day at the park with Charlie followed by hot chocolate, board games, and a movie, but he couldn’t help but want to get to the root of the problem anyway.
“Today was nice,” he said first, sliding the coffee table toward them using his toes. He broke his own rule and used it as a footrest.
“Very.” Angela let out a quiet, contented sigh once the two of them reclined under the same oversized blanket, finally feeling free to lean against one another. “It means a lot to me that you’re okay with me spending the day with you and Charlie, you know.”
“I love that you want to. Not just that you’re okay with it, but that you want to. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but he’s kind of crazy about you.”
Angela hummed in laughter against the rim of her coffee mug. “He’s the sweetest little boy.”
“When you’re here.”
“Well, if I’m going to be here more often, then I guess he’ll be a better kid all around, no?” Vince didn’t see Angela’s smile fade away as she lay her cheek against his shoulder.
“You’d be such a fantastic mother,” Vince said quietly before pressing his lips to Angela’s crown. He set his coffee on the end table next to him in the interest of enveloping her completely. “Did I touch a nerve?” he asked when Angela didn’t respond.
“No…”
“That was the least convincing ‘no’ I’ve ever heard, and I have a six-year-old who breaks something expensive about once a month,” Vince said. “Tell me what’s bothering you. Specifically.”
“There’s no point,” Angela replied.
“I told you, I want to know,” Vince reminded her. “You’ve been there for me more times than I can count. Please let me do the same for you for a change.”
Vince thought he was ready for anything Angela could throw at him, but he wasn’t the least bit prepared for the sniffle that sounded before she finally spoke. “I just…got to thinking, last night and this morning…and this is all ridiculously obvious…”
“Tell me anyway,” he said soothingly.
Angela handed Vince her coffee and he set it aside with his, their four hands joining together in a knot over her stomach. “This is hard to put into words without coming off as…overly emotionally invested in something that technically just started.”
“I would hope you’re emotionally invested. I am.”
“To the point where you think about what a future with me—a real future—would’ve been like?” Angela asked doubtfully.
“Yes,” Vince said without hesitance. “Of course.”
“Okay, well, that’s what I was worked up over this morning,” she said. She found herself repeating the spiel that she’d given her mother, finding that she sounded more and more pathetic with each passing sentence.
“I’m sorry that things have to happen this way,” Vince said once it was clear that Angela was talked out. “I’m more sorry than you’ll ever know. But we both need to stop looking behind us. We can’t change the fact that we didn’t do this sooner, and I highly doubt it would’ve changed the fact that I’m sick.”
“I know,” she struggled to say. “I told you, I’m being unreasonable. I broke down because I couldn’t get myself to think rationally about it.”
“That’s not exactly conducive to enjoying this, either,” Vince said. “If you try to be rational, then all you’re going to think about is the end.”
“How do I think about anything else?” Angela groaned in agony. She sat forward, breaking free of Vince’s hold and burying her forehead in her hands. He followed her, pulling her into him once again. “Will five minutes ever go by without me reminding myself?”
Vince didn’t quite know what to say to that. As a substitute for a satisfactory answer, he pressed his lips to her temple, then cupped her cheek and turned her face toward his.
“I’m sorry,” she murmured when she saw just how much her own sorrows had upset him. “This is why I didn’t really want to talk about it. It’s all things you already know, and it’s just bringing you down. And you were having a good day until I came along.” She hid her face from him again, taking slow, deep breaths.
“I’ll say this as many times as it takes for it to sink in,” Vince said with decisiveness but patience, too. “We tell each other things. We trust each other. We always have and we always will. I don’t care if you think it’s going to ruin my day. I don’t care if you think it’s obvious. I want to be there for you. Honesty is the basis of our entire history together. And if we can’t come to each other with these things, then what are we even doing? We can’t fake the next few months, Angela. That would be a waste of time for both of us.”
Angela waited to give her response more weight. “I don’t want to waste your time. No more secrets.”
“Promise,” Vince felt safe in demanding.
“I promise.” Angela sealed that promise with a kiss and wondered whether the secret she still withheld from him really counted.
Somehow, Vince found himself trapped—not that he wanted to go anywhere. But while Angela introduced him to another dimension of being with an increasingly intense kiss, the thought crossed his mind that this might evolve into something for which they weren’t ready.
“Everything okay?” Angela asked when Vince retreated sooner than she had expected.
“Can I ask you something?” Vince said.
Angela looked confused. “Sure.”
“Would you like to come to church with us next week? It’s been going really well for me.”
Angela put a couple of inches between them. “That seems a little out of the blue.”
“I know it sounds like it, but trust me, it’s not,” Vince insisted. He knew he couldn’t get out of having the full conversation now. “I just…can’t picture going on this journey without having you beside me every step of the way. And…I think we might have different expectations for the, uh, physical side of this relationship.”
“We talked last night about how we wouldn’t sleep together right away. Is that what you mean?”
Vince felt like this was his first test at standing by his new convictions. He swallowed with a dry throat. “Before you came over last night, I prayed. Mainly about what I should do when it came to you and me. It was the first time I’d prayed in I don’t even know how long. Ages. I know it sounds a bit like I talked about you behind your back.” Vince realized that he had indeed done so with his pastor, but he hoped that didn’t count. “But I promise, I prayed because I care. I just want to do things right. By myself, by you, and by God. But I just didn’t know how.”
“I won’t lie. I’m feeling a little judged if you feel like you can’t make me happy without feeling dirty,” Angela said, standing. She grabbed her full coffee cup and muttered something about needing more sugar.
“I don’t mean to judge you at all. Whatever your past relationships have been like, I’m sure I had the same kinds of experiences,” Vince said, trailing her into the kitchen. “I have no interest in playing detective or passing judgment. I’m not an innocent man myself.”
“Why do you want me to come to church, then, if not to change my mind about something or make me feel guilty?”
“Because—” Vince stopped, not having an answer yet. He took a few moments to formulate one. “Because even though I don’t fully understand my own faith yet and I’m still in a way very new to it, it’s something I find comfort in. My pastor and I have talked a few times about what’s going on—”
“Did you tell him about us?” Angela asked.
Now Vince felt the walls closing in around him. “You have to understand, he’s a pastor. It??
?s like talking to a doctor or a therapist. My brother takes it all a little too lightly right now and I don’t have anyone else to talk to since Harry doesn’t know. I just needed to straighten out my thoughts in a safe place.”
Angela crossed her arms and set her lips straight and eyes narrow, though her stony demeanor was losing its resolve. Now she was verging on just teasing him. “And your thoughts are, what, that I probably just want to sleep with you and you need to put some religion in me?”
“That I care about you. Much more than you think,” Vince said firmly. “Listen, my pastor’s an equal opportunity listener. It’s not just you I talk about. I talk about Mitch, I talk about Charlie…He knows about how the divorce went down, too. Just like you all already know, right?”
“When someone asks you if your wife was unfaithful to you and you don’t answer either way, then yeah, it’s pretty safe to assume,” Angela admitted. “But the team never really talked about it.”
“I never hated her for it, you know,” Vince said after a confirming pause. “I cried, I drank in my office late at night, I hated myself for leaving her feeling like she had to look to somebody else for what I was supposed to give her, but I never hated her.”
“Did you judge her for it?” Angela asked neutrally.
“How could I have?” Vince asked, his shoulders twitching upward with his brow. “I completely neglected her. She just needed someone. I was just as bad in loving my job more than I loved her. So it wasn’t my place to pass that sort of judgment on her. And it’s not my place to judge you, either. I just…care about you so much that I can’t stand the thought of us not being on the same page in any sense. I have no option but to be honest with you here. You might think it sounds crazy, at least coming from someone my age and in my stage of life, but please understand that this is important to me.”
Angela took in Vince’s taut face and wide open eyes. “Whatever’s important to you is important to me. If you don’t want to have sex outside of marriage, you should just tell me instead of trying to be sneaky about it and saying you want me to come to church and…find peace with you.”
Vince tried not to laugh. “I do want you to come to church and find peace with me. But not so I can brainwash you. It’s because going back to church was a decision I don’t regret for a second. I’m still not happy to be dying, but…really believing in something I’d just pretended to believe in for so long…it just has this calming effect on me that I can’t explain. I feel like I would be remiss not to invite you along. I can’t keep that to myself.”
Angela’s lips parted in bewilderment. “That’s sweet. I just…where did all of this come from? Did you hear a sermon on sexual purity or something?”
“No, but it’s one of those rules I never really followed before because I didn’t see the importance. I broke all of them, really, just like we all do in some way, but some of them are harder to live by than this. I mean, it’s hard to keep myself from telling a white lie here and there, or from being hurtful or jealous or spiteful…but I can do this. I can be in a relationship where I consciously choose not to partake in that act before I’m supposed to, to completely respect the person I’m with and to accept that part of her only once she gives the rest of herself, too. It won’t stop the temptation, but it’s something. And no one sat me down and told me to do this. Not even my pastor. My parents tried to instill those values in me when I was younger, but once I grew up and got out there on my own, I didn’t see the value. Right now, though…I do. This is my chance to do things right.”
“Why couldn’t you have just said that?” Angela asked, softening up. “Do you seriously think I got into a relationship with you so I could sleep with you?”
“No, of course not,” Vince said with a frustrated sigh.
“If I got into relationships just for the sex, then I wouldn’t be in such a long stretch of singlehood right now, believe me. And is this what you were talking about last night when I mentioned sleeping together and you said something about saving it?”
“Yeah,” Vince admitted. “I just didn’t know if it was too much to say at that point in time. Usually when you spout out the m-word five minutes into a relationship, that relationship ends up being about five-and-a-half minutes long.”
“Well, like you said, we need to take what we know about relationships and forget it. We don’t have time to dance around topics like this,” Angela said curtly. She let Vince take her hand. “Just be honest with me. I’m a big girl, I can handle it.”
Vince flashed her a smile and left a kiss on her forehead. “I never meant for you to feel like I was judging you. That came out completely wrong.”
“I know,” Angela said, still feeling a bit on edge.
“Like I said, I’m still new to this. I don’t know how to talk about it to anyone else yet. So if I ever sound like I’m looking down on you or something, it’s just because I’m an idiot.”
Angela laughed and hung her arms over Vince’s shoulders. “I’ll keep that in mind. As for going to church with you, if the offer still stands then I’ll give it a try. I’m just warning you, there’s a reason I haven’t gone in a long time, but it’s not something I want to talk about right this second. Soon, but I’m just not ready yet. I can’t have any more deep discussions today. Is that okay?”
“Sure, we can talk about it when you’re ready,” Vince said, concerned. “And of course the offer still stands. So…you said you wanted more sugar in your coffee?”
Angela shook her head and took a sip from her mug. “No, I just needed a reason to walk away from you.”
Vince chuckled. “I figured. Sorry again. I really do feel like a jerk. Not even twenty-four hours in, and I’ve already messed up.”
“The more you mess up now, maybe the less you’ll mess up later,” Angela said. In all truthfulness, she was a bit disappointed that Vince’s visions for their relationship weren’t the same as hers. However, at the same time, she found herself thankful that he’d brought up the subject early on and had given her the opportunity to respect his boundaries. She could only hope that, in time, her desires might align with his and a more chaste relationship would feel less like a sacrifice and more like something she actually wanted.
Vince didn’t object to further cuddling on the couch but he felt out of sorts. He’d obviously offended Angela in his attempt to do what he felt was the right thing. He hoped that as time went on, his communication skills would improve. “We’re okay?” he asked before he even thought of reaching for the remote control.
“We’re good,” Angela replied. “I probably overreacted. I don’t even remember what I said.”
“Any chance you forgot some of what I said, too?”
“Seriously, don’t worry about it. Not worth it.”
But she worried about it. The thought of marrying Vince wasn’t really any scarier than being in a relationship with him. By committing to him when she knew he would be gone soon, what was she doing if not expressing the utmost love for him? And if she loved him, what should stop her from making her commitment official? But now, when she thought of him sliding a gold band onto her finger, she worried about such desires being misconstrued as less wholesome ones. She pinched her arm, out of Vince’s view, and told herself that at one day into the relationship, even with a terminally ill man, it was a little too soon to be hearing wedding bells.
For a while Vince just flipped channels. Angela felt like their time could be a spent a little more wisely, though. “Can we talk about something else? We didn’t talk all day until just now.”
“Sure, what about?” Vince asked, switching off the television and giving Angela his undivided attention.
“I don’t know…tell me more about your little chemo buddy.”
“She’s spunky, like I’ve said. Pretty wise beyond her years, too.”
“Oh yeah? What…wisdom has she imparted upon you?”
“Well, for one, she told me that I should know my own brother’s birthday.”
> “Okay…” Angela said with a curious laugh. “Should I ask?”
“I think you had to be there. And…she told me my hair looked funny and it was time to shave it off.”
“I think her name suits her quite well,” Angela remarked.
“Tell me about it.”
“What else do you guys talk about?”
Vince wondered if this would be off-putting to Angela, as she hadn’t reacted well to being the topic of his conversation with his pastor, but he went for it and desperately hoped that it would instead make her smile as it did him. “We talk about you, once in a while.”
“Me?”
“Yeah. She told me one is never too old or too cancerous to have a girlfriend. She overheard me on the phone with Mitch once. She was quite insistent that I give it a shot with you.”
“Wait a minute,” Angela said, leaning away from Vince to get a good look at him. “Are we together because of advice from a little girl?”
Vince smiled guiltily. “Maybe a little. But also my brother, who, as it turns out, is still just as irritating as he was when we drifted apart. But most of this was me, trust me. I do want this and I have for a long time. I just needed a little…encouragement. I needed enough people to tell me I was doing the right thing, that’s all.”
Angela’s lips curled as she made herself comfortable again. “Do you think I can come to chemo with you sometime, maybe on your next Saturday session?”
“You want to come to chemo?”
“Yeah,” Angela said casually. “You spend a lot of time there. I want to know what it’s like. I wouldn’t mind meeting Frankie, either.”
“Well, her schedule only puts her there one Saturday a month, I think. Think you can take half a day off work without anyone asking questions?”
“Probably not, but I can always try. You wouldn’t mind me coming with you?” Angela checked.
“Of course not. I’m telling you, though, it’s not very eventful.”
“Will be for me. And I might bring some cookies for your other girlfriend.”
“You can bake cookies for my other girlfriend if you let me take you out for Valentine’s Day,” Vince proposed.
“Ha. I never said I’d bake them, just bring them. And were you waiting for a spot to slip the Valentine’s Day thing in?” Angela teased.
“Actually, no. I just remembered my next round starts on the fifteenth, and that reminded me of the fourteenth.”
“So you actually want to go out on a date?”
“Why not?”
Angela sat up straight to hold a proper conversation. “I don’t know, I just figured you’d want to keep this at home and not bail on Charlie.”
“I don’t have to bail on Charlie. Jen can watch him here and I can stay until he’s in bed. Can you wait until eight-thirty or nine to eat?”
“Are you serious? Valentine’s Day?” Angela said, still in disbelief. “I’ve never met a guy who actually wanted to go out on Valentine’s Day.”
“I don’t generally like it, but it’ll be my last one,” Vince said without thinking.
Angela stared at him. “Are you going to use that kind of logic to get your way from now on?”
“Perhaps…”
“Don’t lay it on too thick, okay? I can only hear that so many times. Use it for emergencies only.”
“Deal. So it’s a date?”
“It’s a date. But no presents.”
“Fine, but flowers don’t count as presents. Speaking of dates, Mitch called today and he’s coming to visit in a couple of weeks. Are you up for meeting him?” Vince asked.
“Of course. Let me guess, he knows about us, too.”
“Every single time we talk, he pesters me about it. Sorry, I couldn’t keep it in.”
“You used to interrogate criminals for a living. You let your little brother break you? You’re pathetic.”