* * *
"Nope, I'm done. I'm not doing anymore!" I sat down in the vibrant green grass and curled myself into a ball, my forehead pressed against my knees. All week I fought to control the so-called 'gifts' from my Phoenix ancestry. I knew I'd been having dreams, but so far couldn’t remember much about them. Some mornings I woke tired, my brain aching as if I'd taken a hard test in school, yet I couldn't remember anything that happened.
Delicate copper-brown toes entered my vision. I felt the warmth from Aya as she knelt next to me in the grass. Slender fingers ran through my hair soothing me.
"I'm sorry you're having such a hard time," she said, her voice infused with the magical song that Phoenixes are known for. "It is a great burden, these gifts, when one doesn't have proper understanding or support on how to use them."
I nodded, not lifting my head.
"My poor Sapphire. I wish you could remember our teachings. Both Shamash and I have been trying to help you in your dreams. Unfortunately your dream powers haven't come in fully yet, and you can't remember everything the way you'll be able to do one day." Aya continued to soothe me.
They always called me Sapphire. I was slowly getting used to it.
“You have your mother's jewelry, don't you?" Shamash asked, his voice deep, with a musical lilt.
"Yes, I have the fire pendant, the night sky ring, and the bracelets with the magical animals on it. I hid them to keep them safe," I answered, still not lifting my head.
"Where you live, it isn't safe?" Shamash asked.
"No, at least not for something as special and important as your jewelry." My hands moved as I talked. I still kept my face pressed into my knees.
"If it isn't safe for jewelry, how can it be safe for you?" Shamash demanded. "You are a far greater treasure then some trinkets."
I'm more important than four-thousand-year-old magical jewelry? I don't think so.
"Aren't you living with Gavin now?" Aya asked.
With a deep, self-pitying sigh I looked up. "I'm safe enough, but it's too easy for other kids to steal things and hide them. Gavin is trying to make it so I can live with him. It takes a while. The people who have been taking care of me want to make sure that my moving in with him will be a good thing and that I'll be safe."
"He's family!" Shamash exclaimed as if that was the ultimate answer.
"Not all family is nice or safe. They are being careful. Everything will be fine, don't worry," I said, trying to explain without making things worse.
"Sapphire," Shamash said with concern. "You need help and support. Our descendants with only part of a gift find this time challenging. As my Jewel you have all this uncontrolled power running through you. You need help, let us help you." Gold eyes pleaded with me. Pearl-white hands grasped mine. Their warmth and strength offered protection and love.
I knew I couldn't say no, not only did I need help, but I could also feel how sad they both were. "How?"
"Wear the jewelry," Shamash said firmly.
"I can't; it's too much." I began to panic. The jewelry is so special and important and connected generations of my family together. The thought of losing even one piece made my heart ache.
"One piece," Aya said quietly. Shamash and I visibly relaxed at the song she wove into her voice.
"I suppose, I could keep one piece safe." I wasn't sure how I could explain it to Melanie.
"Wear the pendant, you never have to take it off. Water doesn't bother it and the chain adjusts. It won't even be a problem during the circus classes." I could see Gavin in Shamash at that moment, his exuberance at finding an answer and his desire to help.
"We'll talk with Gavin and Anali so they can help you remember that you need our pendant," Aya said.
"You'll remember, won't you?" Shamash leaned forward and kissed my forehead. "You'll remember this for your old grandpa, won't you?"
I couldn't help but grin. In front of me sat a beautiful man. He looked no more than twenty, and he could easily be a model in any magazine.
"I'll remember Adadda." The Babylonian name flowed into my mind.
Suddenly I was swept up in his strong arms. "It has been forever since I was called grandfather in the language of my first children."
"Amagal," I said softly, holding out a hand. My grandmother came to us wrapping her arms around us both.
I wanted to stay there forever, surrounded by their loving, protective arms, but the intensity was too much. After a few minutes, I began to squirm.
"Come on, let's go have some fun." Shamash helped both of us off the grass.
I woke up laughing. I felt light, free, and happier then I could ever remember. Humming to myself as I got ready for the day. I packed my bag and for some reason added the felt-wrapped jewelry my mom hid in the wall of the Circus Center.
"Sara, Gavin is here for you," Melanie called out.
"Coming," I hollered grabbing my coat, scarf and hat. "Bye, Shante, bye, Caitlin, have fun roller skating. I'll see you tonight."
Shante followed me to the door. She stood there glaring at Gavin, looking as fierce as a newborn kitten.
"Hello," Gavin said cheerfully as he handed back the visitation form to Melanie.
Shante looked at Gavin again. "I don't want you to take Sara away."
Gavin looked stricken for a moment and didn't know what to say. "I'm sorry," he stuttered. "I don't want to take her from you either, but I want her to come and live with me." He paused for a moment. "Maybe you could come and visit us?"
"Really?" Shante's eyes glowed with hope.
"You know I will always want to hang out with you." I bent down to give her a hug. "I have to go now. You be good, all right?"
"Okay, Sara, bye."
"Bye, Shante," Gavin waved cheerfully as we left.
"You shouldn't have said that," I said, as we walked down the stairs.
"What?" Gavin asked totally confused.
"That she could come and visit."
"Why not?" Gavin opened the car door for me. I waited until he sat to continue the conversation.
"Because she will remember you said it, and when it doesn't happen she'll be hurt and confused."
"Why wouldn't it happen?" Gavin cocked his head to the side for a second. Then straightened up as he was driving.
A thousand reasons raced through my head, because we'd get busy, CPS wouldn't let us, Gavin didn't mean it. Instead I asked. "Why would it?"
"Because Shante is important to you, so I'll make it happen," Gavin said. To him it was so simple. If I wanted it, he would make sure I got it. Gavin lived in a very different world from mine.
I wasn't sure what to say, so I didn't say anything. I sat there and let Gavin flip radio stations at every commercial.
"I wanted to go out to breakfast," Gavin said breaking the silence as we pulled into the driveway. "But Anali felt it’s important for us to show you how we live so you knew what you were in for, and adjustments could be made before you came."
"Well, that sounds kind of ominous."
Gavin ran a hand through his hair nervously. "I guess so. I didn't mean it that way. Anali's made breakfast, so nothing to worry about there at least. She doesn't want me spoiling you, and thinking that is how we live day-to-day life."
"I understand."
Gavin opened the door and I was instantly hungry. Breakfast smelled wonderful, sweet and spicy.
"Come on in, breakfast is ready," Anali called. "We have fruit salad and hot rice cereal."
"It looks fantastic," Gavin said, kissing Anali on the cheek.
"Thank you, sweetie." Anali began dishing up bowls of hot rice cereal. "My mom use to make this for breakfast when I was growing up. We weren't sure if you would like it, due to the different spices," Anali explained, handing me a bowl.
"This is delicious." The cereal was so creamy and the spices reminded me of pumpkin pie. "Thank you for making breakfast."
"You're welcome," Anali replied.
"So we're going to the arcade today!" Gavin s
aid excitedly between bites. "I found one that has laser tag, mini golf and a ton of games. We can eat cheap greasy arcade food for lunch."
How could he get excited about nasty cheap food while eating the breakfast Anali made for us?
"It sounds like fun," Anali said very unconvincingly.
I tuned out their playful bickering. My hand began to twitch and the thoughts which bounced around in the back of my head got louder and louder. I tried to find something to ground me, and then my mom's words came to me, helping me once again make a decision.
"Sometimes when we truly love someone we find ourselves capable of amazing things. Great feats of strength, courage, understanding, and forgiveness. The most powerful thing we can do is to be more vulnerable. I know being vulnerable sounds like a weakness, but in fact it’s a great strength. Opening yourself up doesn't put you at risk of being attacked; instead, it shows how strong you are, and how much you care for the other person, and more importantly, yourself. When you hide your true self and true feelings, curling around them like an armadillo, you become small and defenseless. You can't see or meet what is coming at you. When you unfold and show who you are and what matters to you, you become big, and you shine, and the light you cast can scare away fear and worry. Be courageous in love, be vulnerable, be strong, and you will be powerful."
"Shante's mom lived in my first group home," I blurted out suddenly, startling both Anali and Gavin. "Sophia took care of me, and now I take care of Shante."
"Is she the little girl who came with Melanie to pick you up during winter camp, and came to the show?" Anali asked softly.
"Yes," I said swirling my spoon in my bowl.
"She isn't happy about Sara coming to live with us. I said she could come and visit," Gavin said softly. They both seemed wary of scaring me. As this was the first time I volunteered personal information, it was a fair concern.
I snorted. "Everyone says that. I'll write, you can visit, I'll call, it's always a lie, and I try very hard to not lie to Shante."
"What was Sophia like?" Anali asked.
"Hard and jaded, but sweet to me, I was so scared at first, and Sophia showed me the ropes. She taught me the rules and how following the rules meant the staff would trust you more and the more privileges you would get." I smiled. I knew it looked bitter and sad. "Sophia and I shared a room and she would hold me after I had a nightmare. I don't know what I would have done without her those first six months."
Gavin cleared his throat, and even then his voice rough with emotion. "What happened to her?"
"A boy. She was fourteen when she began dating this boy from school. He was older than she was, and she started sneaking out. She'd come home with bruises, and then she came home pregnant. She went to a lock-down home for pregnant teens. Now Sophia is using drugs and stripping for money, so Shante is in the system." My eyes stayed firmly on my breakfast.
"I'm sorry." Gavin's large hand covered mine. "I'm sorry people didn't stay in touch with you, and left you alone." He paused for a moment, maybe waiting for some reaction from me. I kept my face blank, done being vulnerable this morning. "I meant what I said. I'll do everything I can to make sure Shante can come and visit, especially now that I know how important she is to you."
"Thank you," I whispered, my eyes still not leaving the table. I took a deep breath and began eating again. Anali and Gavin got the hint and went back to their breakfast.
We were about to leave when Anali suddenly stopped. "Sara, do you have your mom's jewelry?"
"I do." I grabbed my backpack and pulled out the two white felt packages, as images from the dream flitted through my mind.
"I dreamt last night that you needed to wear the fire pendant," Anali said.
I held out the necklace. The pendant spun and caught the light. The purple, blue and green flames looked like they were dancing inside the red, orange, and yellow flames.
Putting it on, I felt the warm, gentle buzz of the Akasha magic beginning to flow into me. At first it felt like coming home, then I was overwhelmed with power. I could feel the energy of my different gifts shifting and spiking inside of me.
Reaching behind me, I tried to find something to hold onto as images from dreams filled my mind. A warm hand grabbed mine and helped me to the floor. I began to panic. I didn't want more power. I already had too much! I could barely keep myself together, and now more power was pouring into me. Why did Shamash and Aya do this to me? I trusted them. They said wearing the necklace would make things better.
"Breathe, Sara, remember to breathe," Anali said.
I took in a deep breath. I could smell Anali's jasmine perfume and Gavin's spicy cologne. I did my best to stay present, while memories of lessons taught by Shamash, my Adadda, and Aya, my Amagal, filled my mind. My head ached with sudden knowledge. It was like a Vulcan mind-meld gone wrong. I almost laughed at the geekiness of my inner thoughts. I must have made some kind of sound because Gavin wrapped his arms around me.
"It's okay, they won't hurt you. Let it happen," he whispered, his deep voice soothing.
I did my best to let go, but I couldn't. I knew, I mean deeply within myself knew, that if I could relax, this would all be easier. Yet, I couldn't. Apparently relaxing is a skill I have yet to learn.
I don't know how long it went on, but slowly it all began to sink in. The intensity faded like someone turning the volume down on a radio one notch at a time.
Blinking, I looked around, and my vision cleared. I found Anali's warm brown eyes and held them.
"Are you okay?"
I wasn't sure I could speak, so I nodded.
"Did the necklace connect you to Akasha?" Gavin asked.
I nodded again.
He breathed a sigh of relief. It ruffled my hair.
"That was some power surge," Gavin joked.
"I don't know how I'm going to control all of this. I had enough trouble before." I ran my hand over my face trying to rub away the tingling.
"It might help," Anali said hopefully.
I raised an eyebrow. I wasn't buying it.
"Did you know," she began. "That you're more likely to get cut with a dull knife then a sharp one? A dull knife you have to fight with more, use more force to get it to cut properly. A sharp knife is easier to cut with, so you have more control and can cut slower and more carefully. Maybe this increase in power will make things easier and not harder."
I kept my eyebrow raised. I still wasn't buying it.
Gavin laughed. "I guess you will have to wait and see for yourself.”
Chapter Sixteen
"It is exercise alone that supports the spirits, and keeps the mind in vigor."