"Della," she said as if needing to check and make sure it was me. We had the same hair, nose, and mouth. But her eyes were brown.
"Yes," I replied.
She fidgeted with her hands a moment, then covered her mouth with one hand. "Im sorry. I just . . . I dont know . . . " She dropped her hand and gave me a wobbly smile. "Ive thought about this day. Ive thought about it so many times and now Im actually standing here, looking at you. " She studied my face, taking in the features I already knew were hers. "You have Niles eyes. Hell like that. He always loved his eyes," she said with a smile. "Theyre his best feature. Im glad you got them. "
I knew I should say something but I didnt know what. I decided that it didnt matter if she liked me or approved of me. I wasnt here to gain her admiration. I wasnt perfect. I was damaged but I was a survivor. I had that to be proud of.
"I like my eyes," I finally said.
She let out a soft laugh. "Theyre beautiful eyes. I was always jealous of Niles eyes. I used to tell him they were too pretty to be wasted on a boy. "
It sounded as if she still kept in touch with my birth father. I wanted to know about that, too. "Should we sit down?" I asked, pulling out a chair.
Glenda nodded and sat back down. Her coffee cup sat forgotten. "Your friend, Braden, she didnt tell me much about you. She said that you should be the one to decide what I got to hear. I want to know it all, at least everything you feel comfortable telling me. What do you do? Are you in college?" She stopped and smiled at me. "Sorry, Ill let you talk. "
There was one thing I was sure of: Glenda wasnt going to push for my life story. It wasnt easy to tell, and I wasnt sure I wouldnt fade out while telling it to her. That was a part of me that I would keep to myself. If this woman remained in my life then maybe one day, but not today.
"Ive been traveling around. I wanted to see and experience new things for a while. Then I plan on going back to college. "
"That sounds like fun. Are you traveling alone?"
I thought of Tripp and realized I was going to have to send him on to South Carolina without me. I wasnt going there now. I had to decide what my next move would be. "I was traveling with a friend of mine. Hes going back to his home in South Carolina this week. Im not sure yet what Ill do next. "
"That sounds exciting," she said, watching me carefully. I knew she wanted me to delve deeper into my life but she didnt deserve that.
I didnt say anything else. I had nothing else to say really. Now that I had seen her and I knew this was my mother, I felt like I was finished here.
"I almost kept you. I wanted to. I loved Nile back then. He was the captain of the basketball team and everyone fell under his charm. But hed picked me. I was his girl and I worshipped the ground he walked on. When I found out I was pregnant I wanted to keep my baby. I wanted to marry Nile and I wanted a family. But I was sixteen. I knew nothing of love and heartache. I didnt know what paying the bills was like or how much babies cost. My mother worked as a nurse back then and my father was a construction worker. They made a modest living and we lived from paycheck to paycheck. I, of course, didnt understand any of that. I was wrapped up in the romance of it all. " She stopped and took a drink of her coffee. She was nervous telling me this but I realized I wanted to know why. Why had she given me up?
"Nile came from money. Lots of money. His mothers father was a congressman and his father was a surgeon. They had big plans for Nile. Being a teenage father wasnt on their list. I think he loved me back then. I really do. Ive always thought he did. He told me hed get some money and we would run away and raise our baby. We would get married when we turned eighteen. I was giddy with excitement. Until everything changed. " There was a sadness in her eyes. As if remembering this was hard for her. It had been twenty years ago. I couldnt imagine she still regretted it. Especially with the life she had now.
"Nile was offered a full-ride basketball scholarship to the University of Arizona. He decided to take it. He told me he wasnt ready to be a dad and he didnt think I was ready to be a mom. We were too young. We had no idea what we were doing. I knew he was repeating his parents words back to me. I was angry and hurt. He tried for a long time to talk to me and get me to forgive him but I was done with Nile. He had betrayed me. He had chosen a scholarship over me and our unborn child. As the months went by and my stomach grew bigger, he would go out of his way to help me at school and do things for me, like bringing me my lunch tray. I continued to ignore him. He wasnt standing by my decision to keep the baby. He wanted me to give it up. " Tears filled her eyes and she gave me a sad smile before wiping them away.
"As the days drew closer to your delivery date, my dad lost his job. My mom had been forced to sign us up for food stamps just so we could eat. They were fighting all the time and I knew it was because they were scared. Soon there would be another mouth to feed. A baby who would need diapers and formula and child care if I was going to finish school. I didnt want that for you. I didnt want you to live the life I had been living. I wasnt ready to be a mom and I wanted you to have more. I loved your father. You were a product of that love. It took me until I held you for the first time to realize I couldnt do this to you. I couldnt take you home to the life I could give you. It wasnt enough. " She paused and took a deep breath. "I kissed your fat little cheeks, then handed you to the nurse and told her I couldnt keep you. To find you a good home. "
I sat there and stared at Glenda. Her story made sense. Sixteen-year-olds werent ready to be parents. I felt sorry for her, and she had been young enough to believe that handing me over was a better option. Maybe if my adopted father and brother hadnt been killed, then it would have. My mother may not have snapped mentally if they had lived.
"Id like to meet your family," I finally said.
A grin broke across her face. "I would love that. Thank you, Della. "
Page 25
Woods
I walked over to the bar and took the glass of bourbon that Mitch, the clubs bartender, pushed my way. It was after-hours and I was expecting someone. Hed texted me an hour ago.
Just as I lifted the glass to my lips, Grant walked in the door and scanned the room until he found me at the bar. He had been out of town more than usual this year. It was summertime. He should have been in his condo, living it up in Rosemary.
"Give me one of those, Mitch," Grant said as he approached the bar, and leaned against it before looking at me. "Im back. Whats up?"
"Where have you been?" I asked.
His mouth was in a firm, set line before he gave in and let out a sigh. "You dont want to know," he said, then took a long swig of the bourbon.
That meant hed been with Nan. There was a story there I wasnt sure I wanted to know. Grant was Rushs best friend. They were like brothers. Rushs mom had been married to Grants dad when they were kids. The marriage only lasted a few years but they bonded. What no one expected was for Grant and Nan, Rushs half sister, to do anything more than fight. They fought when they were kids and they fought now. Grant was a good guy. Nan was the worlds second-biggest bitch. Angelina was the first.
"Nan," I said simply.
Grant took another swig and handed the glass back to Mitch. "Another," he replied.
"Thats twenty-three-year-old Kentucky bourbon. Its meant to be sipped and enjoyed, not thrown back like a shot of cheap tequila," I pointed out.
"Youre an elitist, Woods. Kiss my ass. I need more alcohol. "
"Anyone who spends five minutes with Nan needs alcohol. The question is, why the hell do you do it?"
Grant threw back his second glass of bourbon and then looked over at me. "Not talking about her tonight. Why did you call me? What is going on?"
Good. I didnt really want to know about Nan anyway. If she came back to town, Rush was gonna be pissed. He loved his sister, but she hated his wife. So Nan had drawn a line and Rush had stayed on Blaires side. Nans coming back to Rosemary wouldnt be cool. Id hoped she was staying in LA with her daddy. Shed
recently found out the man she had grown up thinking was her father was not. Her real father was the lead singer of Slacker Demon. Apparently, Rushs momma liked sleeping with the band back in the day.
"I fired the board. Im choosing my own. My fathers board isnt for me. I want you on my new one. "
Grant set down his glass and stared at me a minute. "What did you just say?"
"The club has a board of directors. The old one has been let go. Will you be on my new board?"
Grant motioned for Mitch to refill his glass. "Damn, Im glad Im back. Crazy shit happens here all the time. No place is as drama-ridden as Rosemary. Not even fucking LA. "
"Does this mean yes, you will be on my board?" I asked, taking a sip of my bourbon.
Grant grinned over at me. "Hell yeah, I will. "
I knew he would. That made four. I still needed to talk to a few more. "I have paperwork in my office for you to fill out. But tonight, lets drink. I need a distraction. "
Grant pulled out a stool and sat down. "Wheres Della?"
I had been expecting this question but hearing her name jolted me. She had met with her birth mother today. Braden was supposed to call me tonight and let me know how it went. I was anxious and needed to think about something else until I got that call.
"She left. " I couldnt bring myself to explain anything else.
"She left? What the fuck did you do?"
"Screwed up. Missed some signs I should have noticed. Got too busy to see what she needed. Smothered her. " There was a long list of things I had realized I was guilty of.
"Damn. Last I saw you two, you were worshipping at her altar. How the hell did it go south so fast?"
"Its not over. Im waiting. Shell come back. Im letting her decide if she can do this. In the meantime, Im drinking a lot and living for phone calls from Tripp. "
Grant put his glass down and let out a low whistle. "Ah, hell no. She left with Tripp?"
I just managed a nod.
"Shit, dude. Im sorry. If you want my help kicking his playboy ass I got your back. "
At one point that would have been exactly what I wanted, but not now. Tripp was taking care of her. He was making sure she was safe. It was all I had. I shook my head. "No. Its okay. Hes keeping me updated. Hes making sure she has what she needs to be free. "
Grant frowned and leaned toward me. "Am I understanding you right? Your woman is off with Tripp and youre okay with this?"
"She loves me. "
Grant nodded. "Yeah, she does. "
"Shell be back. This hand isnt over. It cant be. I went all in. "
I didnt have to explain that to Grant. He got it. He smiled and leaned back with his drink in his hand. "You got this one, Ace. "
My phone rang and I pulled it out to see my mothers name on the screen. I stuck it back in my pocket. I wasnt talking to her. I was sure she was aware that the old board members had been released. She wouldnt be happy about that.
"Is Nan coming back?" I asked.
Grant held the glass to his lips a moment longer than necessary. He was stalling. I knew that move. When he finally set it down he turned his head toward me. "Yeah. Shes coming back. Im heading over to Rushs when I leave here to tell him. He needs to be prepared. "
"You ask her to come back?" I asked. Grants attraction to Nan made no sense to me. He had seen how evil she could be. He had seen her at her worst. How could he want that?
"Hell no. But shes coming. Kiro bought her a nice, big, fancy house. The light blue one that sits over the hill on the south end of the beach. "
Kiro was the lead singer of Slacker Demon and Nans father. "Damn. I like that house. Howd she get that out of him?"
"Hes trying to get rid of her. She hasnt been easy to deal with. She gives him hell every chance she gets and hes pretty desperate. "
"Cant say I blame him. " I would have done whatever I could to get away from her, too, if I was him. Nan was dangerous when she wanted to be.
"I feel bad for her, man. She knows he bought it for her to move her as far away from him as possible. She just wants his attention. "
"Hes the lead singer in the biggest, most legendary rock band of our time. He ignored her for most of her life. He isnt daddy material. "
Grant frowned and I could see he was dealing with something. "He has another daughter. He treats her differently. Hes affectionate with her. He loves her. Its obvious. But shes not like Nan. She doesnt demand things and shes quiet. I think thats what he wants. A meek, sweet daughter. Nan will never be that. "
"Another daughter? Really?" Id never heard of Kiro having a daughter.
"Yeah. She lives with him, too. She has what Nan wants and will never get. Because Nan cant be her. She cant be what Kiro wants. It sucks for her. Shes always just wanted attention. Both her parents denied her that. Rush is all she ever had and now he has Blaire and Nate. She lost him, too. I cant help but feel bad for her. " He took a drink and set it down, then stood up. "I get that no one understands why I have anything to do with her, and Ill be honest: at times, I dont know either. Shes all kinds of fucked up and mean. "
I nodded, because he was right about that.
Page 26
Della
"I shouldnt have got you. If it hadnt been for you crying and keeping me up all night I wouldnt have been needing a nap. I wouldnt have let my little boy go to that store. Its all your fault, Della. All your fault. He knows it, too. He wanted to stay with me but I was so sleepy. So very sleepy. You wouldnt let me sleep. " Mother roared and reared back and slapped me across the face. I stumbled backward and grabbed the edge of the bed before I fell down.
"If you had slept at night and let me be a good mommy to my little boy he would be alive. But you ruined everything. I didnt want another baby. Your father wanted a little girl. He said it would complete our family. You didnt complete us! You destroyed us!" I braced myself as Mother hit me again. I tried not to cry. I tried not to whimper. If I whimpered she would get angrier. I had to stay calm. I had to let her scream. She would cry soon and go to her room.
"Get on that bed and dont move. The monsters under it will get you. They will come get you for being such a bad girl. They know its all your fault. They know what you did to me. "
I never understood her when she blamed me for my brothers death---I was a baby when it happened---but I let her yell and hit me. If I fought back she only got angrier. Once she had hit me at breakfast and I didnt wake up until the middle of the night. I had been on the kitchen floor with a pillow under my head and a blanket over me. She had put two plates of food beside me.
I didnt fight back anymore. I was scared to.
"Get on that bed!" she screamed as I scrambled to do as she commanded. "Dont come out. I dont want to look at you," she said before walking away and slamming the door behind her. I heard the familiar click and I knew shed locked me in. My door had always locked from the outside. She controlled it.
"Good night, Momma," I whispered as I pulled my knees up to my chin and rocked myself back and forth while I pretended that I had a better life. One where I could go outside and ride a bike.
I opened my eyes and stared at the ceiling fan. I was in the guest bedroom at Bradens house. I hadnt woken up screaming. I had never dreamed of my mother and not woken up screaming with imaginary blood on my hands. Something had changed. The memory was one Id forgotten but her words that day made sense now. I sat up and swung my legs over and stood up. I had dreamed and not screamed. I was afraid to hope, but I had never been able to do this. I opened my door and stepped out into the dark hallway. Braden would be asleep and I didnt want to wake her. But I needed to process this.
I walked to the kitchen to get a drink of water.
Braden was standing at the counter with a glass of milk, staring straight ahead in deep thought, when I walked into the room. Her eyes shifted to me. "Della? Are you okay? I didnt hear you. "
I stood there as it really sank in. I had dreamed of her. Yet I hadnt ha
d a night terror. "I dreamed about her. About my life then. And . . . and . . . I just woke up. No blood. I never saw the blood. I just woke up. "
Braden stared at me as she processed what I had told her. Then she set her milk down on the bar and ran over to me. Her arms wrapped around me. "Youre getting better. Already, youre getting better," she said in a teary voice.
I wanted to cry, too. I wanted to cry because I realized I might just have a chance at happiness. What if I was strong after all? What if, underneath all that fear, I had buried someone deep inside who was brave and could take on life without someone to lean on?
"I think Im going to be okay," I said out loud, because I needed to hear myself say it.
Braden squeezed me tighter. "I know youre going to be okay. I know it. "
We stood there holding each other in the kitchen for several moments before I pulled back. "Im not going to go crazy. I wont snap one day and become her. "
Braden wiped at the tears streaming down her face. "I know. Ive always known that. "
"But I didnt. I had seen her. I knew what she could be. I didnt want to be that too. "
"She was the woman who raised you but she wasnt your mother. "
I nodded. I knew that now. I was going to be okay. "I want to meet my . . . I want to meet my birth father. I need to see him. I need to see his family, too. "
Braden nodded. "Good. I think you should. "
I stepped back and turned to go back to the bedroom.
"Della," Braden said.
I glanced back at her. "Yes?"
"Call him. He needs to hear from you. "
She wasnt talking about my birth father. She was talking about Woods. I would have given anything to hear his voice. But I couldnt. He had moved on. He hadnt looked for me or tried to contact me. I had let him go and hed walked away. I couldnt bother him now. "I cant. "
"He misses you," she said.
"You dont know that. You assume it because you think what we had was a forever thing. But Woods has plans and Im not in them. I gave him what he wanted. Im not going to bother him again. "