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“I know that. ” My words were barely a whisper.
“I can hear the fear in your voice. Let me help. ”
I was afraid, and I really did want to talk about it. But I also couldn’t allow Mott to change my mind. If I gave him enough time to talk, he’d eventually succeed.
So I only said, “If you want to help, get rid of the vigils for me. ”
Mott sighed, then reached for the handle and left the carriage. After he’d gone I left the carriage as well and wandered toward the back of Conner’s estate. It was strange to be here again with Farthenwood so unchanged, and yet my entire life once more turned upside down.
The memories of my time here remained fresh and raw. This was where I’d received two scars on my back as reminders of the price of returning to the throne. One was given to me by Tobias, and the deeper one came from Mott. They were now the two people I needed most in this world.
“We were looking for you. ” Tobias was already bowing when I turned around.
“Stop that,” I said.
He rose up and smiled awkwardly as he ambled over to me. We stood beside each other, facing the back of Farthenwood. Directly in front of us was Conner’s room. Maybe they’d suggest I use it, since it was the nicest one. I wouldn’t be here tonight, but even if I were, under no circumstances would I sleep there.
“I heard Gregor wants to replace you with a steward,” Tobias said.
“That’s his plan. ”
He kicked at the ground. “You never wanted to be king, so maybe it’s a good thing. ”
“Is it? Should I celebrate that?” He apologized, and as we headed back to the house, I said, “Maybe I should appoint you as my steward. ”
Tobias chuckled. “Definitely not! But I’d love to be a physician one day. Or maybe a teacher. I’d be a good one, I think. ”
“Yes, you would. ”
“The problem is, there’re no children at the castle to teach. Maybe one day you and Amarinda —”
“I wouldn’t count on that,” I said flatly.
“She still hates you?”
“I don’t know what she thinks about me. I don’t know what she thinks about anything, really. ”
“Have you talked to her?”
I rolled my eyes. “Don’t you start too. ”
“Sorry. ” Then he added, “Jaron, why are we here? Does it have anything to do with those pirate books from last night?”
Barely able to contemplate it all, I only nodded and said, “Yes, Tobias. It has everything to do with them. ”
Once inside Farthenwood, I made every attempt to avoid Mott and Tobias. I had nothing to offer for real conversation and too many thoughts filled my mind to leave room for idle chatter.
With nothing better to do, I took to wandering the halls, and inevitably found myself on the lower floor of Farthenwood, standing inside Conner’s dungeon. It wasn’t clear to me why I felt compelled to come here. Maybe it was just to be able to stand here as a free person, to know that I could choose to leave any time I wanted.
“I didn’t think you’d come down here. ”
I turned to watch Mott walk down the stairs. He came to stand beside me and folded his arms.
“I didn’t think so either,” I said.
“You brought me to your side in this room, you know. Everything I had believed about Conner changed here. ”
“How could you ever have worked for him, Mott?”
“It’s all I knew. And I swear that I never knew the worst of his crimes. ”
“He never spoke of his plans?”
Mott thought for a moment, then said, “A week before he killed your family, Conner mentioned that your father had grown suspicious of the regents and had begun requiring searches upon their every entry into the castle. I never thought about it then, but in hindsight, I’m sure that complicated his plans. If I had known, I would’ve stopped him. ”
I nodded, and kicked at the ground with the toe of my boot.
He was quiet a moment longer, then added, “Jaron, can you forgive me for what happened here?”
“You whipped Sage, not Jaron. ” He shook his head, not understanding, so I said, “Do you want forgiveness now because I’m Jaron, because I’m king? Would you ask for it if I were only Sage?”
Now Mott understood. He turned away from me and it looked as if he was unbuttoning his shirt. “Do you remember when Tobias cut your back? You told me the wound was from a cut on a window. ”
It had been an outright lie from me, which I still regretted having to do. But it was the only way to force Tobias to back down from trying to become the prince.
“All you got was the loss of a day’s meals, and Tobias got no punishment at all,” Mott continued. “When Conner found out I’d tried to keep that from him, he gave me this. ” Mott lowered his shirt enough to reveal a whipping scar on his back, not as deep as the one he’d given me but certainly enough to have caused significant pain, and I ached to see it. As soon as he’d shown me he raised his shirt again. Still facing away from me, he said, “I took that for Sage, not Jaron. ” He left before I had a chance to say a word, as if there were any words I could have spoken then.
I found him again at suppertime in Conner’s small dining room. Tobias was with the cook, arranging final details of the meal, so Mott and I were alone. He rose when I entered and we stood at angles, too uncomfortable to face each other directly.
After a brief silence, I said, “The only reason I’m alive today is because of what I’ve done wrong in my life. My crimes may have saved me, but I never meant for them to harm you. ”
Sadness filled Mott’s eyes when he looked at me. “Jaron —”
“You will never again ask my forgiveness for what happened in the dungeon. ” It hurt to speak the next part. “And you will let me ask forgiveness from you. ”
“That’s not necessary. ”
“Maybe not yet. ” I glanced briefly at him. “But it will be. ”
“I know you’ve got some heavy concerns,” Mott said. “But we are friends. You can tell me everything. ”
I shook my head. “No, Mott. Not everything, because you’re my friend. ”
At that, Tobias entered with a tray laden with three bowls of stew. If he sensed the awkwardness in the room, he didn’t acknowledge it. “There’s no bread because the cook didn’t have time for it,” Tobias explained, serving me the largest of the bowls.
“This is enough,” I said. “Sit down, both of you. Let’s eat as friends tonight, and nothing less. ”
Even so, the time passed in an uncomfortable silence, until Tobias asked, “Was it a surprise to see Roden last night?”
“The kind of surprise that makes your heart stop for a beat,” I said. “When I saw him again, I had wanted it to be on my terms, not his. ”
Tobias nodded. “You should have killed him the night you were crowned, when you two fought in the tunnels. Why did you let him go?”
After taking another bite, I said, “Until last night, I didn’t think it was in him to harm me. I suppose that’s changed now. ”
“The only thing Roden wants is to matter, to be important,” Tobias said. “If he has to hurt you to get that, he will. Maybe Gregor is right and you should be in hiding. ”