Note 1256
* [vsv] [ur] IMP PRB see this tag above (perhaps more than once) June 17, 1991 mARK June 18, 1991 Be nice if you could have some image for this rendezvous maneuver, as dotting an ‘i’ at the center of a dart board.
Note 1257
* [ur] INCON proper terminology for rocket drive
* [jrf2] About the reasoning in the first few sentences of the following paragraph: Can’t Ravna and the Riders convince him of the insanity of his fear of the skrodes? It would help if he were a bit more flexible.
* [vsv] June 10, 1991 unfortunately, it seems to me that I need him pretty psyched up to have the action in the rest of the climax and to match Blueshell’s sacrifice
* [vsv] June 18, 1991 I try to get around jrf criticism here by having Blueshell admit that he couldn’t do much better.
Note 1258
* [vsv] [ur] June 18, 1991 Slight INCON (or apparent incon): how do relativistic KE bombs do effective final targeting? I could see a period of an hour or so where they hop around —and the victims can do little about it…
Note 1259
* [vsv] AWK (but close)
Note 1260
* [vsv] [ur] June 17, 1991 Maybe this should be said a lot earlier.
Note 1261
* [vsv] [ur] June 18, 1991 Should think about this earlier; she may have an ongoing reason for shame:
Note 1262
* [vsv] [ur] Preceding sentence AWK
* [vsv] [ur] Possible INCON with claim elsewhere of 151 all surviving
Also INCON , later you are explicit that the children are in separate halls. c38
Note 1263
* [ur] FRAG : #It was an eerie place under the dome, even when Woodcarver’s bombs were not landing outside. Mr. Steel had not laid any floor over the original ground. In the flickering torchlight Jefri could see the same hummocky landscape that had seemed so alien less than a year ago. Of course, without the sun, the moss had turned brown, but this was the place at the top of the hill where Woodcarver had done the murders. He still could find an occasional arrowhead deep in the moss. There had been brown stains across one of the landing pylons; Mr. Steel refused to say just what had made them. Amdijefri avoided that spot as much as they could.
* CHK INCON the speed with which the castle was put up. You may want to have large parts of it still incomplete
* [vsv] CHK MacAuley
* ID Blight, the Fungal Mind
* RETRO write Amdi’s fidgetiness?
* [vsv] June 18, 1991 CHKd 5d since surge
Note 1264
* [vsv] CHK INCON 5y in CHRON
* [vsv] I think this age is still INCON (probably should be 5 years) June 18, 1991 mARK
Note 1265
* CHK “clerestory” — suspect usage, but close.
* [vsv] QU why is this expedition really needed? TUF
* [vsv] re CHK “clerestory”
Note 1266
* [vsv] June 5, 1991 INCON . No curtains at all? 05Jun91 mARK
Note 1267
* [vsv] [ur] June 18, 1991 CHK sp grammar “laid”
Note 1268
* [vsv] BKG birds, for sure!
Note 1269
* [vsv] [ur] June 10, 1991 “month” problem
Note 1270
* RETRO INCON how has Tyrathect been presented to the children in the past? Female or Male? Has the name Flenser come up? PRB Doesn’t seem like that would be a word in Jefri’s vocabulary. QU Maybe Skinner instead? —YES Note this is not a naming problem for Johanna. Even if she doesn’t know the word “flenser”, it would be in Dataset.
* [vsv] Answer to preceding questions: The kids call her Tyrathect (no title)
* [vsv] Small PRB confusion: Amdi’s members are “puppies” but they are much older than Woodcarver and Peregrine’s puppies. This raises:
* PRB TINES: Seems reasonable that individual members would reach adult size soon, so it may actually be wrong to call Amdi’s members “puppies”. In that case, his childish behavior may need other explanations NÆH ,
* [vsv] in fact Woodcarver’s puppies seem to grow slowly
* IMP PRB general: How/why/if Jefri and Amdi use the proper terms of address like “Lord”? This might be because Amdi is doing a good job of translation in concert with Jefri’s recollection of stories of medieval times.
* [vsv] I don’t think they do use terms like Lord, do they? June 18, 1991 Amdi, in Samnorsk, would use “Mister”, but in Tinish should probably use “Lord” PRB But there’s still the question of why they’re using exactly the same terminology that Johanna is using. QU Maybe I should use different terminology with Amdijefri, modern things like captain and chairman? (at January 18, 1991 ): “Mister”
Note 1271
* PRB QU I think it’s quite plausible that Amdi has this understanding, but do I have to work more at making it plausible to the reader?
Note 1272
* QU is the mix of omniscient pov and childish pov too jarring here? How to fix?
* [vsv] June 18, 1991 following paragraph gives needed time slop
Note 1273
* [vsv] Note that the following deletion is an attempt to avoid making the power of Tinish mimicry too blatant.
* [vsv] Seems to me likely that Flenser would be aware of that ability as a plus. Also it might have been confusing to Jefri to use imitative voices when in conversation with Amdijefri.
* FRAG : Tyrathect cast his voice somewhere in timber between Jefri’s and Ravna’s. It sounded very strange.
Note 1274
* [vsv] good BKG point here, but CHK “high name” v “taken name” grep
the proper is “taken name” of these two. Unfortunately, “given name” doesn’t appear; I do see the phrase “lower protocol name” used only in my internal notes. June 18, 1991 only see “taken name” in ms.
this is also related to MODES s discussion
Note 1275
* PRB QU I very much want to use this practical joke/deception of Amdi pretending to be Jefri. It sets up major SEQ possibilities — and even may explain some apparent inconsistencies with “The Blabber”. Is this plausible here?
Note 1276
* Is it clear why Pham wants this sort of question asked?
* [vsv] June 6, 1991 CHK 4./3. * PI * (10./2.)**3
Note 1277
* IMP Go through and child-ify Tyrathect’s Samnorsk?
Note 1278
* [vsv] Pham should not speak perfect Samnorsk — this may require? small changes elsewhere
Note 1279
* FRAG 05Jun91 Abruptly Tyrathect’s speech broke into Tinish gobbling. The singleton convulsed briefly. Part of Amdi moved close, and tried to nuzzle the other’s throat. The Cloak waved him away. Jefri was very glad that Amdi had never tried the radio cloaks. Tyrathect was obviously in pain.
He rolled onto his feet. “Yes. twisted under his cloak, little panting noises coming from his mouth. He was drooling on the ground,
Note 1280
* [vsv] [ur] June 18, 1991 Unfortunately, Tyra and Steel Samnorsk should be confined to childish dialect (though you need not be extreme). On the plus side: I don’t think they do talk Samnorsk that much
text
Note 1281
* QU Should I downplay the conflict within Tyra here (so that I may emphasize it more at the climax?
* [vsv] SOLN maybe, about the gender thing with Tyra, you might just repeat what you said very early on about femaleness being a secret
Note 1282
* [vsv] CHKd CHRON 31 weeks would agree almost exactly with CHRON
* [vsv] It’s not clear enough why they are going to use the lander rather than the whole OOB.
* [vsv] In the aftermath of the ship’s fire, some of this might be explained: the fact that the ship as a whole is not much of a fighting machine and that they have the laser rifle for the lander
* [vsv] June 18, 1991 Direct: 20.88Kly, Length of OOB‘s Path: 26Kly.
Note 1283
* [vsv] [ur] June 18, 1991 : corny/repetitive?
Note 1284
* [vsv] June 5, 1991 Antimatter bomb?
Note 1285
* [vsv] 10Jun91 mARK
Note 1286
* IMP ID 15Jul90 Pham triggers the big surge??? This does help with the deus ex machina a little; at least it ties things together. Probably needs some RETRO writing. This scenario also raises the attractiveness of bumping Pham off. One less loose end? QU who all votes for bumping Pham off?
* [vsv] QU Am I leaving out too much, or should this stuff be obvious now?
Note 1287
* [jrf2] Need something more to clinch it; or let Pham bend more before.
* Till EOMarker below, this is what I did in Michigan (minus the first 85 words which were moved here from 17.txt) p1.txt and p2.txt from the Panansonic. Looks like I did 10250 words on that laptop in Michigan (34.16 nominal pages).
Note 1288
* RETRO write why Pham couldn’t use the powered armor that he used at RIP.
* [vsv] Yeah! What reason did you have in mind??? This looks like a major IMP INCON .
* SOLN the ship’s “fire”
* QU repetitive
Note 1289
* QU should somewhere I bring up the notion of just doing an intimidating flyby with the OOB ? DONE (above)
* In the rest of your zone stories, the agrav seems passive, yet here you seem to be using it in a directed way. QU is this too much of an INCON ?
* QU does there need to be more elaboration on why this is hard to fly —much harder than nearly-as-powerful craft that we could even make in the XX’th century? (Analogy with A320 after its automation goes away)
* [vsv] IMP again this is reason to RETRO write what sort of revisions had gone into the OOB at Relay
Note 1290
* [jrf2] “got into” is too colloquial
* [vsv] June 18, 1991 I dunno; it’s also literal :
* [vsv] June 18, 1991 Slightly AWK detour (of tone) in middle of paragraph
Note 1291
* [ur] PRB wish I could put something about Qeng Ho or Nuwen’s childhood here
Note 1292
* ID “Packfolk” is probably an appropriate term for how OOB crew (and Jefri) refer to Tines. I don’t see how Jefri would have been exposed to the term “Tines”.
* [vsv] But by January 25, 1991 I had changed to Tines, partly to solve the problem of a name for Navnløs
Note 1293
* [jrf2] “clued” instead of “clewed”
Note 1294
* [vsv] CHK CHRON INCON 30 weeks
* [vsv] June 18, 1991 “separate from the others” AWK
Note 1295
* QU PRB To make more of this inconsistency?
Note 1296
* [vsv] really need “spicy smoke” somewhere earlier, since now you use it twice in close succession
as of March 2, 1991 I have a [awkward] reference in c03
Note 1297
* [vsv] Johanna’s swearing further encourages me to drop Ravna’s swearing.
* [vsv] Look up “Oliphaunt” CHK dictionary says elephant come from OF olifant ( ex greek elefant) don’t know where I might have seen this spelling: tolkien? Norsk is elefant
Note 1298
* [vsv] CHK INCON BKG
Note 1299
* CHK He has two puppies?
Note 1300
* [vsv] [ur] June 18, 1991 “carbonized” may not be quite right
Note 1301
* [ur] PRB gotta rationalize when Steel’s force has cannon and when not
Note 1302
* PRB It would be nice if somewhere you could show some coordinated action with Pilgrim’s or Woodcarver’s puppies (freely standing)
Note 1303
* [vsv] Why should that appearance cause the Flensers to stop shooting? CHKd
Note 1304
* [vsv] [ur] June 18, 1991 INCON , If he’s gone to wide dispersion, I don’t don’t think there’d be much “thunder”
Note 1305
* [vsv] IMP Here is where Jefri might catch on
Note 1306
* [vsv] [ur] June 18, 1991 second sentence AWK
Note 1307
* [vsv] June 18, 1991 “grumpiness in …” AWK FIXED
Note 1308
* QU Maybe more use of the term “mantis” instead of “Twolegs”? — at least by packs that don’t like humans.
Note 1309
* [vsv] [ur] BKG TINES puppies are near-sighted
Note 1310
* [vsv] CHK that you’ve used “narrow beam” earlier
* [vsv] Actually you haven’t, but I think this is okay March 2, 1991
* [vsv] June 18, 1991 small INCON , that he would reveal the potential of the Jaws
Note 1311
* [vsv] [ur] June 5, 1991 Yecco. What should be the effective range (might look at that Scientific American article)
* ? QU should Steel be using this wheedling tone with the Spacers, or should he be demanding even in his deceit?
Note 1312
* [vsv] But before, Pham said they couldn’t see through the haze; need to PRO and RETRO write this properly How do you see through smoke? IMP QU Radar (but intrinsically lo-res)Infra-red?Thermal infra-red would be a problem
* SOLN is part of the ship’s “fire” changes aboard the OOB
Note 1313
* [ur] FRAG (following removed to be consistent with assertion made in the preceding Johanna scene): He let the archers go a few more seconds, then waved them off. No point in directing the spacers attention at that particular point in the field.
Note 1314
* QU PRB why Tyrathect/Flenser should have warned Steel of the appearance of Johanna
* [vsv] SOLN suggest that it be Shreck that warns
* RETRO PRO review the nature of Pham’s swearing (may be different depending on whether he is speaking in his native tongue [which is?] or Trisk or — in the second half of the novel — Samnorsk)
* [vsv] CHK there’s also the offshore/onshore wind question, but if it’s a Santa Ana then it must be coming from the inland.
* CHK have to analyze the smoke streaming directions in connection wit
h where the fires are
* NÆH : RETRO soot on the snow patches (some opportunity in c34)
* [vsv] INCON beam gun’s dispersion setting may be inconsistent with Johanna’s observations
* [vsv] Seems like someplace you must say that they can’t see through the smoke? INCON PRB
Note 1315
* [vsv] [ur] June 18, 1991 uneuphonious rep: “take”
* [vsv] [ur] June 18, 1991 CHK “burst”
Note 1316
* [vsv] CHK the geometry here. These should be guys running toward Johanna.
Note 1317
* IDEA your idea of what it would be like in the XXI’th on Earth in the Zone universe could be illustrated by couple of guys (you being one) in an old folks home. It would be more like a slice-of-life story since they probably wouldn’t figure things out.