* [vsv] CHK porcupine? June 18, 1991 “spinehide”
Note 1318
* [vsv] [ur] Probably should go through and rationalize Steel’s syntax
Note 1319
* [vsv] [ur] June 5, 1991 Kinda miraculous that Steel hadn’t claimed to Ravna before that he had seen the body of Johanna.
Note 1320
* PRB QU Nuts. How can I justify Pham rushing into battle (later) to save the escaping Jefri, if his top priority is the Testament?
* [vsv] March 2, 1991 I think his reaction to Blueshell’s death does pretty much SOLve this.
* [vsv] following related to Lost Time:
Note 1321
* [vsv] [ur] RETRO Steel’s use of Samnorsk “okay”
Note 1322
* [vsv] Again, as a difficulty, this depends on the ship’s fire damage
Note 1323
* [vsv] [ur] June 18, 1991 Find the correct word for “window slots”, not“loophole”
* [ur] June 18, 1991 AWK in middle of paragraph, in talking about Amdi’s trustingness
Note 1324
* [vsv] I like this coordination of intent between the two.
Note 1325
* PRB QU Are the kids behaving too simple-mindedly? Namely, if they suspect foul play should they really make an explicit confrontation? Or maybe it is that they can’t believe what they are concluding. In fact, how suspicious should they be here?
Note 1326
* [vsv] [ur] June 5, 1991 Well, have I gone too far in the other direction; is it too obvious that Tyrathect/Flenser is a good guy?
* INCON BKG lots of the Tines character themes here (eg, Flenser/Tyrathect) should be commonplaces in Tinish literature TUF
* [vsv] IMP ID Could have this mentioned by Pilgrim in the Epilogs
* INCON Flenser’s greater fluency (probably just have to mention in the right places)
Note 1327
* [vsv] 05Jun91 mARK
Note 1328
* [vsv] TYRA may want to change in light of final confrontation (fine-tuning)
* [vsv] May 26, 1991 QU INCON Much earlier in the story, did Steel claim Johanna lived?
Note 1329
* [vsv] June 6, 1991 May want to coordinate this better with the dialog between Ravna and Steel in the previous scene.
Note 1330
* [vsv] June 6, 1991 Is this a credible response on Jefri’s part?
* [vsv] June 18, 1991 corn?:
Note 1331
* [vsv] Related to trust rewrite. Maybe something like “you were right before, Jefri”
* [vsv] June 18, 1991 : Maybe I should just go for Tinish pain noises here instead. NO , I like the idea that Amdi has absorbed so much humanity that he plays back his earliest recollections of human pain sounds.
Note 1332
* [vsv] CHK usage “Gold Cloak” v “Golden Cloak”
Note 1333
* [vsv] [ur] mARK 1 March 2, 1991 make this INCON consistent with lack of artryfire right before and perhaps artry fire in Pham scene later March 2, 1991
Note 1334
* IDEA (old?) secret agent in an old folks home, and some mission pops up.
Note 1335
* [vsv] [ur] June 18, 1991 “a hole cut in…” AWK
* [vsv] [ur] June 19, 1991 NOTE : Only one of Amdi is ahead
Note 1336
* [vsv] related to TYRA deleted: ” — even inspite of myself.”
* [vsv] oops IMP INCON how to get all of Tyrathect away from Steel here. For that matter, you should probably be keeping better track of all of her members. There should’ve been more of Tyra on the battlements.
* [jrf2] [vsv?] Yes, something to show Tyra’s comeback against Flenser
* [vsv] [ur] June 18, 1991 PRB I don’t think the kids have noticed her as being cynical before?
Note 1337
* end of p1.txt, now p2.txt:
* IMP for wordcounting: there was about a page overlap here with file p1.txt
* [vsv] TYRA :
* [jrf] In this scene, Tyra should have some clearer way of showing herself over Flenser.
Note 1338
* [vsv] contradictions of godshatter imperative in this paragraph QU INCON
Note 1339
* NÆH : QU better or more appropriate description of Johanna?
Note 1340
* [vsv] March 2, 1991 Pham only one who uses the word critter now
Note 1341
* [vsv] slight INCON with Pham’s claimed ability with languages earlier
* [vsv] Not really, because that was when he had Old One’s help.
Note 1342
* [vsv] [ur] June 18, 1991 AWK :
Note 1343
* [vsv] This is INCON (since artillery could set off the fire)
* [vsv] June 6, 1991 CHK use of “Mr.” here INCON ?
Note 1344
* [vsv] INCON with godshatter control?
Note 1345
* FRAG Rescue the kid, and hope that something is left of the Testament afterwards.
Note 1346
* [vsv] NOTE : So the artillery was in use just very briefly
Note 1347
* [vsv] CHK if you said anywhere before that Steel knew the Spacers wanted the ship. — I think I did March 2, 1991
* CHK usage: “[Ss]pacers” v “[Vv]isitors” see notes in c24
* March 2, 1991 The references to Tyra are okay I think, but it might be possible to make them be even more intense.
Note 1348
* TUF INCON with Shreck’s previously described character?
Note 1349
* [vsv] PRB INCON May 31, 1991 Have I overdone this hierarchy of madness? are all these guys too much alike?
* [vsv] IMP QU Too many victims?
* [vsv] June 4, 1991 I think it’s okay now that you explicitly mention it in c30
* [vsv] May 31, 1991 Maybe Tyra should even comment on the hierarchy of madness early on. IMP (part of general Tyrathect development problem:) Furthermore, this could be used in the epilog scene between Flenser and Woodcarver. Furthermore, there could be some statement by Pilgrim in the last part about how he can see the little school teacher and even remark on then nature of the final takeover June 18, 1991 NO TIME
* [vsv] [ur] June 18, 1991 Aha: this also may justify Pham not going hell for leather once Steel’s is admitted a villain:
Note 1350
* [vsv] IMP thoughts about Flenser characterization and denouement: The development of Tyrathect/Flenser should be monotone against Tyra’s interests. Thus the we’re pretty discouraged by the situation as we reach the climax.
* [vsv] But then we see her helping Amdijefri, and wonder what’s going on. If I have to clarify things, then the way to do it might be to show the beginning of the final confrontation here between Steel and Flenser.
* [vsv] Steel could actually ask Flenser who is in control. Flenser might respond with characteristic opportunism, but be unsettled because it is not quite true
. Steel could use that lapse to start his attack on Flenser.
Note 1351
* [ur] Page 702, INSERT P:
Note 1352
* [ur] Page 703, INSERT D:
Note 1353
* [vsv] CHKd both Steel and Flenser Frag are 5
* [vsv] Even if this decision of Flenser’s were deferred till Johanna appeared, there is still 20minutes to do this smuggling:
Note 1354
* [vsv] [ur] June 18, 1991 “one-on-one” slightly wrong AWK . SOLN : “Jaws on claws”:
Note 1355
* [vsv] [ur] June 6, 1991 Note use of “soul”
* [ur] FRAG June 6, 1991 made a flick of a single nose, a gesture of contempt that Steel remembered so well.
Note 1356
* [vsv] CHK the Tyrathect was a school teacher RETRO
* [vsv] ? March 25, 1991 You could make this insight more clearly correct.
Note 1357
* [vsv] PRO in the epilog that 2 of Steel were crushed to death
Note 1358
* [vsv] June 18, 1991 mARK June 19, 1991 INCON that Amdi is split around Jefri even in this emergency. But it does show their closeness, and does mention Amdi’s superior ability in dark tunnels. Besides, Jefri may not be that much of an obstacle. Amdi wants to be all near him
* QU INCON with previous scene where Jefri does not seem panicked
Note 1359
* [vsv] CHK the configuration — I think okay March 2, 1991
Note 1360
* NÆH : QU Do you think I should hark back to some earlier childhood incident here where Jefri was caught in something, and parents had to “call the Fire Dept” to get him out?
Note 1361
* BKG IMP How Tines react to swimming or even having their tympana wet.
Note 1362
* [vsv] June 19, 1991 small PRB petroleum poisoning
* [vsv] Some planning onwak 30Jul: Blueshell contrasting his puppet status with Pham’s
* [vsv] TITLE of the last chapter (even if others are not titled): Epilogs
Note 1363
* IMP PRB QU need some good reason why Pham can’t go airborne and high and strafe with the beamer. (Interference with Woodcarver fire would seem to be a temporary excuse, since Pilgrim could call that off —and besides, Woodcarver shouldn’t use art’ry where the kid might come out.)
Note 1364
* [vsv] mARK 2 March 2, 1991 following is related to MARK 1, above Woodcarver’s artillery sounds INCON dangerous to friendlies, especially with all the oil around. — FIXED above by having the artry used only briefly. I assume it wasn’t used for much of the preceding scenes because Woodcarver was moving troops in in close (slightly weak, but TUF )
Note 1365
* [vsv] Explicitly cut off cannon fire? Yes
Note 1366
* IMP general RETRO to make Blueshell’s behavior look more ambiguous
* ID might have a slow increase in understanding of Riderish mannerisms as the story progresses
Note 1367
* NÆH : ID Could be he needs the boat because it is crammed with gear he thinks will help with the Testament. The downside of this is the added danger this puts the equipment in.
* [hld] Godshatter is driving Pham to the Testament.
* [vsv] RETRO write that Blueshell’s skrode has been thoroughly disarmed (could do this in Lost Time 2)
* [vsv] EOMarker
Note 1368
* [vsv] [ur] June 19, 1991 Considering the previously stated size of the skrode (large), you may want to do some small rephrasing of the lander cabin stuff
Note 1369
* [vsv] They should be standing on the side of the craft away from the castle
Note 1370
* [vsv] I think I can make a geometry for this, but it’s an awful lot of oil! INCON One thing about this is earlier on to mention that they have enormous reserves in the castle — for some good reason.
Note 1371
* [vsv] [ur] June 19, 1991 seems to me that Pham couldn’t be much more than 100m from the wall. This puts an upper limit on chit-chat etc
Note 1372
* [vsv] probably the place to RETRO the tarp is back in the RIP scenes; which also illustrates they can carry cargo.
* [jrf2] Yes!
* [vsv] February 17, 1991 : c08c17c26c28 now mentioned: Call it cargo scarf, and it could be used in several places, with cute effect (at RIP — and the ambush there, even)
* [jrf2] Nice touch. ok.
Note 1373
* NÆH : QU should there be dialog here where Jefri asks what Blueshell will do to protect himself from the fire.
* [vsv] CHKd sp tarpaulin
Note 1374
* IDEA Two slightly different models of congeniality: Speer and Ribbentrop
* [vsv] RETRO write the shields that Peregrine is carrying — done, I think.
* [vsv] With this revision, the shields aren’t as important and perhaps could be smaller.
* [vsv] Still need to mention them on the airboat, and perhaps earlier when he is protecting Johanna
Note 1375
* [vsv] Here is an example of an okay use of “it” in reference to Pilgrim:
Note 1376
* [vsv] Have to make it clear somewhere that the oil around the boat did not get ignited. Hmm, maybe just don’t have it come down in the oil?
* [vsv] SOLN Yes I got rid of oil around the boat March 3, 1991
Note 1377
* [vsv] PRB injection of omniscient view here TUF
Note 1378
* Small INCON here, how come Pham didn’t notice the lumpiness first?
* [vsv] SOLN I think it’s fixed now by the ending of the previous paragraph.
Note 1379
* [hld] You want to think about the transit time through the flames, and lung sear from hot air and lack of oxygen (and presence of toxics from the fire). Water on tarp (lots of water) would help.
Note 1380
* [jdv] Seeing the dead skroderider, should be made more intense
* Geometry of the rescue of the kids not quite clear
* [jrf] “Make his flame shielding more credible”
* [jrf] IMP that readers know Pham and Qeng Ho were for real (at the end of the novel). In other words, that is one place where it is very important not to be ambiguous.
Note 1381
* [vsv] May 26, 1991 Make it clearer that he can get in now.
Note 1382
* [vsv] in PoV Pham scenes here consider using “it” instead of “he” for references to Pilgrim — no, mostly “he” March 3, 1991
Note 1383
* [vsv] [ur] CHK CHRON 5 ly and 4 hours
Note 1384
* ID RETRO You might have net mail somewhere (earlier) soliciting help from the Powers June 19, 1991 NO TIME
* [hld] General comment on crypto as result of listening to Tim May’s crypto talk at SiliCon: good public key systems with digital signature possibl
e now. Could be used to verify source of net mail and untampered raw bits. Translators probably would trash the data but should still be able to forward signatures.
Note 1385
* [ur] [Light gloss]
Note 1386
* [ur] (full-gloss channel)
Note 1387
* [vsv] May 4, 1991 CHKd though you may want to use a different epoch
* [vsv] May 4, 1991 The proper epoch for many of these messages might be beginning of [this instance of] the Blight