Because those girls were more valuable as virgins. I fought a wave of nausea and kept my voice steady. “Were there whisperers here when you had people over?”
His head moved back then forth. “No.”
He hadn’t been working. I crumpled the paper in my fist and continued to load the washing machine, picking up clothes from the floor and shoving them in.
“Anna.”
The water came on, loud, when I pushed Start, and I measured the liquid detergent, then poured it in. My hand shook and I couldn’t see straight. A tear fell and I wiped it with my shoulder. Well, it looked like my tear ducts were back in business.
“Ann, please. Listen.”
He’d called me Ann. I shut the lid and faced him. The sight of my tears gave him pause. He dug his fingers into his hair, keeping his hands on his head.
“That was after I’d spoken with Marna. I believed you and Kope were together, even though Marna said you weren’t. I was certain you’d fall in love with him. Those were not good days for me.”
My blood pressure was through the roof, but I tried to think about how he must have felt, and how I’d feel if I believed he was in love with someone else. Icy envy jabbed me. I closed my eyes and leaned back against the washer.
“Did you sleep with her?”
“No. Almost, but no.” He paused and whispered, “It wasn’t nearly as hard to stop as it had been with you.”
I kept my eyes shut. I hated this. It was unfair that some other Anna could have him, or almost have him, while I loved him but had to keep my distance and be careful. I hated imagining him whispering “Anna” in her ear and turning to her instead of me.
“I’ve mucked it right up, haven’t I?” he asked. I opened my eyes again, and he was in the same position, hands on his head, eyes desolate. “I’d been good for so long, Anna. You wouldn’t believe how good. Nearly eight months I’d gone. After Kope rang me I expected to hear something, but over and over Marna told me nothing had happened. When I saw you on Valentine’s Day I was going to tell you everything. Then I rang Marna, expecting another no, but she hesitated . . . and there was nothing worth being good for anymore.”
It was more than he’d ever revealed to me, and I could see it took a lot for him to force each word out.
I wanted to be mad. To scream at him for being so stupid when it came to matters of the heart. For being so careful with me and so reckless in every other way. He could see the hurt in my eyes. I know, because it was reflected back at me in his own. How much more could we hurt? How much more time would we waste?
We had one night. We had now. I held out my hand. He stared at it then brought one of his hands down to meet mine. I squeezed it and pulled him to me.
“No more,” I told him. “No more running in the wrong direction.”
With a look of disbelief, he leaned down to kiss the path made by tears on one cheek, then the other, whispering, “No more.”
Emotions were running high when I took his rough cheeks in my hands.
“You run to me,” I said, pulling his mouth to mine.
He pushed forward until I was against the stacked washer and dryer, and his knee slipped between my legs.
“To you,” he whispered, his breath hot against my mouth. “I swear it.”
The kiss became fast and frenzied as we pulled each other closer with greedy hands until Kaidan broke away and breathed against my ear, “Let me see you again.”
“What?” I tried to pull back to look at him, but he held me firm and kissed the freckle over my lip before whispering with that low voice in my ear.
“Let me undress you. Not all the way . . . just as you were today at Blake’s. Please. Let me see you again.”
OH.
I listened to my heart pound five loud times in my ears. Did I dare? I wanted to. I wanted to push the limits with him. I nodded and felt his fingers at the bottom of my tank top. I lifted my arms as he pulled the shirt over my head and dropped it at our feet, leaving me in my pink bra. My heart still pounded overtime. To make things fair I found the edge of his T-shirt and lifted, letting my fingers brush against his taut sides. He groaned and was kissing me again, the heat of our bare skin rubbing like flint, ready to spark a fire.
Once again he broke away, breathing hard, this time finding my eyes as his finger ran along the edge of my shorts, dipping in to touch the sensitive skin of my hips and lower abs. My breath hitched as he undid the button, then the zipper, never taking those blazing eyes from mine, as if memorizing my every reaction.
When my shorts fell, I kicked them aside and felt wildly exposed, even though it was no different from being in my bikini. Kaidan pulled away a few inches and glanced down at my body. Then he shut his eyes tight and lifted his head to the ceiling. His Adam’s apple bobbed when he swallowed.
With his eyes still closed he muttered a guttural plea. “Let me kiss you.”
“Okay,” I whispered.
“No.” His eyes crashed into mine and his hands flattened against the dryer above my shoulders. “I need to kiss your body.”
Oh . . . yesohyesohyes . . .
“Okay,” I managed to say.
“Don’t let any more clothing come off,” he warned me, “under any circumstances.”
“Okay,” I whispered again. Apparently it was the only word I was capable of forming.
“Promise me, Anna.”
“I promise,” I said, though I was feeling extremely weak. I knew I’d have to be the strong one this time. We couldn’t have a repeat of the hotel room incident.
And with that his hands gripped my waist and his hot lips found my shoulder. I gasped as his hands perused the skin of my belly and back, and his mouth began feasting a trail down my torso, waist, and hip, stopping to kiss every freckle along the way until he was on his knees. My hands gripped his strong shoulders.
Staring at the blue heart charm dangling from my belly button, he said, “You are killing me.” I sucked in a breath when he licked a circle around it.
He began kissing the edge of the panty line at my hip, tasting me. I felt his teeth graze my skin, followed by his hot tongue, and my knees almost gave out. His hands still held my waist, steady and firm, and it was a good thing. Because it felt like a tornado of sensory charges was building inside me. I didn’t know how much more I could take. I was breathing as if I’d been sprinting.
One of his hands moved down to the back of my knee and bent it, angling my leg outward so he could kiss my inner thigh. I moaned loud enough to shock myself, and felt his teeth again. My fingers raked into his hair, clutching him as everything inside me tightened.
Suddenly a cold, sobering thought jabbed my mind: the sword. Would it see this moment as some sort of rebellion against my “purity”? Had I gone too far? I had no idea where to draw the line when it came to the sword and its judgment.
“Kai,” I gasped. “I . . . I . . . you have to stop.”
In a heartbeat he was standing, his eyes searching mine. His heated gaze darted around my face, taking in my shallow breaths and flushed skin. With the confidence of a guy who knows how to drive a girl crazy, he pushed his hips against mine and I let my head fall back against the dryer, stifling a groan. The near pleasure was almost painful, but he didn’t pull away. He nibbled my earlobe and I clutched my hands around his back. My body had never felt so desperate.
“Let me touch you,” he whispered. “Just on the outside. Let me make you feel good.”
Oh, my gosh. I had never, ever wanted anything more.
His hand slid down my lower belly. I wanted to cry as I forced my head to shake side to side. “No. No, we can’t.”
“What is it?” He stepped back and a look of panicked regret crossed his face. “I’m sorry, Anna—”
“No.” I bent down and snatched my clothes from the floor, yanking them on. “I don’t want you to be sorry. I’m not sorry.”
I reached out for his hand and pulled us together in a hug. He held me hesitantly, which only made me s
queeze him tighter. I pressed my cheek against his bare chest.
“You’re shaking,” he said.
“Yeah, well, my body is pretty angry at me right now,” I admitted with a dry laugh. “But I don’t want to take any chances when it comes to the hilt.”
He froze up at the mention of the sword of righteousness. “You think it’s that sensitive?”
“I don’t know,” I admitted. “It’s meant for angels, you know?”
The whole “pure of heart” thing still wasn’t 100 percent clear to me. Angels didn’t have bodies, but for Neph and humans the mind and body were linked in many ways, like it or not. The sword seemed pretty strict and I didn’t want to take any chances when it came to getting rid of the Dukes.
“Are you okay?” I asked, tilting my head up to see his face. He rubbed my cheek, still seeming surprised that he could touch me openly with such tenderness.
“Don’t worry about me. I didn’t mean to upset you.”
I put my arms around his neck, looking him straight in the eyes.
“You didn’t. I love you. I want all that with you. Maybe someday?”
His eyes closed and the muscle at his temple flexed; I knew he was afraid to hope. I reached up on my tiptoes and kissed his lips. I wanted to lighten the mood and make him stop feeling bad. And make me stop thinking about his mouth all over me.
“I think I need chocolate,” I said.
That got a laugh out of him.
Then I asked, “Will you make me some brownies?”
He pulled away and narrowed his eyes. “Me?”
“It’s my turn to watch you cook.”
That earned me a very sexy half grin.
“Special brownies?” he asked.
My heart flipped. “Don’t even joke.” I lightly punched his stomach, which I shouldn’t have because my senses were still fluttering around on a tightrope and his abs were a mass of yummy.
“I assume you actually want to be able to eat these brownies?”
Taking his hand again, I walked us down the hall. If Marna and Ginger could learn their way around a kitchen, so could Kai. “It’s a box mix. You can’t mess it up. I’ll supervise.”
I climbed up on the counter, bare feet dangling. The surface felt cool on the backs of my thighs.
“Here you go,” I said, handing him the box next to me.
He sighed and read the directions, letting me teach him how to set the oven. He smashed the egg in his man hands, but we picked out the pieces of shell. I clapped when the brownies went in the oven and he set the timer.
He leaned against the stove. I could tell he was still feeling bad about what had happened, and I didn’t want that. I was still a little freaked out, too, mostly about the fear of the hilt, but I didn’t want it to put a damper on our whole night together.
“The best part of cleanup is the bowl,” I told him.
I swept a finger inside the bowl and licked the batter off. Kaidan contemplated the gooey mixture a moment before doing the same. Soon we were in a battle for batter, elbowing each other out of the way and laughing. I distracted him with a wet fingertip in his ear and got the last bit of chocolate.
“Urgh, you play nasty!” he complained, wiping out his ear with the sleeve of his T-shirt.
I was giggling hard by this point. Sometime during our battle, he’d ended up between my knees. My sitting on the counter put us at eye level. I tried to scoot back a little, but he put both hands on top of my thighs to stop me.
“It’s okay,” he told me. “I’m in control right now.”
Right now.
My fingers curled around the edge of the counter to steady myself as he brought his hands to my face, running a fingertip down the slope of my nose and around the curve of my chin, sliding back up to pet the freckle above my lip. His attention made me feel gorgeous and alive.
“You’ve no clue what you do to me, Anna.”
Oh, I think I have an idea.
I’m not sure who moved forward first but it didn’t matter. What mattered was the complete softness of how our lips met. I could feel his tentativeness, and how he held back.
“It’s okay, Kai,” I whispered. “We’ll be careful.”
“I won’t let it go that far again,” he promised.
General disappointment settled inside my heart for all that we couldn’t have, but I nodded.
I scooted forward until our chests pressed together, wrapping my arms around his neck while his went around my back. We took our time, playfully spoiling each other’s lips with tenderness. And then I ran my tongue along his bottom lip, nipping him, just as he’d done to me on the Ferris wheel. This was met by a satisfying growl from the back of his throat as his mouth captured mine, kissing me so deeply that all thought disappeared and only sensation lived.
His grip tightened and he lifted me from the counter, forcing my legs to wrap around his waist and link behind his back.
“We’ll be careful,” he said, repeating what I’d told him.
“Yes,” I agreed against his mouth.
Our lips never parted as he walked us to the bedroom and laid us on the bed.
We kissed, rolling around with our limbs entwined, touching as much as we could possibly get away with. A glorious energy poured forth between us. I lost all track of time and the outside world.
People often referred to life in oceanic terms: a sea of possibility, plenty of fish in the sea. But it wasn’t that way for Nephilim. We were like fish kept in nets, expected to do the bidding of sharks or be eaten by them. The sea held no possibility for us. But here and now we found ourselves in a private tank without a shark in sight. It was tiny and temporary. We were buoyant.
When we stopped to breathe and look at each other, I giggled.
“Your hair,” I said. It was sticking up everywhere. I worked through it with my fingers, while he smiled down on me. “I love you,” I whispered.
He closed his eyes and pressed another silken kiss to my lips. As long as he kept kissing me like that, no words would be necessary.
We propped ourselves on our sides facing each other. One of my knees rested between his. I ran a hand through my own hair, which had become a nest in the back.
“Is this kind of . . . boring for you?” I asked him, feeling self-conscious.
“What?” His hand that was resting on my hip tensed. He almost looked offended.
I brushed imaginary lint from his shoulder. “I mean, you know, just kissing.”
“This is better than anything I’ve ever done.” His voice was soft and sincere. He pushed the long bangs from my eyes. “Besides, have you ever snogged yourself, luv? It’s brilliant.”
I laughed, hiding my face in his neck, and he chuckled, too.
“Why?” he asked, playing with my hair. “Are you bored? Seeing as how you’ve kissed so many lads now and all?”
I whipped my head up. “Ew, I don’t even want to talk about that. Those were gross and sloppy and—”
“No details please.”
“All right. How about this . . . I could kiss you all night, Kaidan Rowe.”
“That’s my plan,” he said.
We leaned in and stopped an inch away, interrupted by a persistent beeping coming from down the hall. My heart jumped before I placed the sound.
“Brownies in bed?” I asked. He actually stiffened and looked pained. “What’s wrong? Do you have a no-food-in-bed policy?”
“No. You’re just . . . turning me on with the whole Betty Crocker bit.” His eyes blurred as he seemed to be imagining something. I couldn’t picture anything sexy about me cooking.
I hit him with a pillow and he held up his palms in surrender.
“Maybe I’ll bring a glass of ice water in case I need to douse you,” I said, standing to go.
“Hurry back,” he called. “I’ll just be here . . . dreaming of you in an apron and oven mitt.”
I giggled at the absurdity of it. “You’re so easy,” I muttered.
His laughter followe
d me down the hall, and I basked in it. Right now, my sea had never been more beautiful.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
MINE
The only thing better than kissing Kaidan was kissing him between bites of warm brownie. I now understood the saying about love being like a drug. My body was alight. Though I wasn’t using my extended senses, they were on high alert from the buzzing, floating feeling coursing through my veins. I could see the danger of loving, because nothing else existed for me outside that room. Nothing else mattered. No Dukes or whisperers. No spiritual warfare. And certainly no reason why any soul would disapprove of a relationship that filled two people with such joy.
No. None of that was real. They were fleeting, distant nightmares pushed further away with each press of our lips, each gentle word spoken. We were together. We were alive.
I still couldn’t believe he was allowing this to happen. Letting me love him with my touches. Touching me back. Voracious touches.
Every now and then I’d feel him pull back from me when I’d push forward, keeping me at bay when I got carried away. At one point after I’d licked his earlobe, he closed his eyes and his forehead crinkled in a wince.
I bit my lip. “I’m sorry.”
I mean, really, it would be hard for normal guys, so it had to be especially hard for him.
He opened his eyes to reveal the storm within him. “My every instinct is telling me to have my way with you.” He was dead serious and my cheeks heated. Fire shone in his eyes and I broke eye contact, burying my face into his cotton-covered chest. “But it’s not nearly as difficult as going all this time without you,” he said.
I grasped his T-shirt in my fingers and brought myself nose to nose with him. His eyes ate me up.
“Let’s never do that to ourselves again.” I gripped the fabric tighter, a well of panic surging at the thought of being cut off from him. “I mean it, Kai. No matter what my dad says or how scared we are. We can talk when it’s safe. We’ll be careful. Please don’t push me away—”
“Shh,” he whispered, pulling me to him.