I wondered how long She had known he loved me. I had only known for sure for a few minutes. It seemed particularly cruel to hold that detail from me.
She explained that She hated that we were both sad, but thought that it would all resolve itself when She found him drowning.
Miaka covered her mouth, clearly saddened.
That was, She explained, until I jumped in and saved him.
Aisling’s head whipped around at me.
I had clearly broken the rules. I took a life that belonged to Her, I had risked Her secret, and I had put them all in jeopardy. I had to be punished.
I saw Elizabeth tense up. She was the closest to me.
The Ocean explained that the problem with this was that She loved me.
They all noted this with stunned faces. I don’t think they realized She was capable of that. After all, hadn’t I just thought it was impossible?
Yes, She loved me, and that had clouded Her judgment. Usually, She felt that She had been consistent over the years, but She wasn’t sure that what She would do would be fair when it came to me. The only way to be impartial was to put it to a vote. She was handing the decision over to them. She just didn’t trust Herself.
We reflected our shock in one another’s faces. How could She put this on my sisters? How could that be fair? It was the height of cruelty to ask them to do this job.
“Does Kahlen get a vote?” Miaka asked this aloud for our benefit. That was a good question. She always asked the good questions.
No, I did not get a vote. It seemed wrong that I should get a say in my own punishment to Her.
Without further ado, She explained the options. The first was that I could have fifty years added on to my sentence. She wouldn’t mind me staying on, but She was afraid that I would keep finding ways back to him. She was surprised at how well I had done it this time. This would be a continual danger. If he saw me in twenty years, and I hadn’t aged a day, it would raise questions. She was afraid it would come down to one of the other two options: Either Akinli needed to die, or I did.
I fought back tears. I wanted to be brave. I knew if the girls had to make this choice, I wouldn’t make them feel bad about it. I think I may have shaken a little, but no tears gave me away. That old familiar coat— on fire, filled with weights, and now full of glass shards inside to cut me to pieces every time I put it on— slid painfully into place. I couldn’t burden my sisters with my sadness.
She gave them a few minutes to choose. Personally, I didn’t know what I would have chosen. Definitely not to have Akinli die. But I didn’t know if it would be worse to just die myself or live sixty-eight more years knowing how much I’d hurt him.
She told them to decide: more time, my death, or Akinli’s.
The silence grew.
I kept my head down for a long time, afraid that my eyes would give something away or make them feel too guilty about what She was asking them to do. And it was an order, if they denied Her, they’d go along with me. I couldn’t wish that on my sisters.
Finally, my curiosity got the better of me. I looked around the circle. Miaka’s head was bowed, and she looked anguished. Elizabeth was biting her nails, staring into the sky with a furrowed brow. But when I turned to Aisling, she was staring at me.
We’d never had such a serious moment of contact. She was searching my face, my eyes. Maybe she was trying to guess which one of these options I wanted most. I tried to make my face read “anything but him.”
Time was up. The Ocean asked Miaka what she felt was fair.
“More time. I don’t want to see Kahlen lose another person she loves. And I can’t stand to see her die. Not like this. And now that we know, we can watch her; we could stop her from going,” she said. “I’m sorry, Kahlen.”
I half smiled at her. This wasn’t her fault.
Next was Elizabeth. The Ocean asked her what she felt was fair.
Elizabeth looked up at me quickly and then back down.
“I’m sorry, Kahlen. I think… I think maybe he should… go. He was already supposed to have died. And if you live like this for fifty plus years… you know you’d try to go back. I can see it in your face. And every time you would just end up here. Eventually, you’ll lose your life. And you worked so hard for your second chance…”
At that I started crying. I couldn’t hold it in anymore. The façade fell to the ground, and I refused to even try to put it back on. Akinli’s death because of my mistake was torture. I wanted to say that if he went, I wouldn’t be staying much longer myself. He was immeasurably important to me, and I would not be separated from him like that. I held my tongue to spare them any more pain. I wouldn’t lie about my sadness anymore, but I couldn’t add to theirs.
The Ocean turned at last to Aisling. She asked what she thought was fair. Aisling stared down for a while. Then I could see her chest heaving; her breathing was picking up. She stood, unable to control herself. She started pacing. Finally, she drove an angry foot into the water and answered with a yell.
“Since when is any of this fair? Your concept of fair is ridiculous! Kahlen hasn’t hurt You or me or any of us. This boy has no idea. If You really cared about what was fair, You’d let this whole damn thing go. How in the world can You expect us to judge her for something we all want? That is not fair!
“If You want to make some sort of twisted verdict, if You need payment, fine. Tack on Your fifty years. But give it to me. I’ll serve the rest of my time and hers. If You wanted to be fair at all, You’d give the time to me, since I’m the only person here who would actually want it!”
CHAPTER 17
Stunned. I was stunned. We all were. We gaped at Aisling trying to make her statement make sense. Everything about it seemed wrong. First, the fact that she spoke more than a sentence or two was completely out of character. Second, that she spoke to the Ocean so forcefully was dizzying. Not just the action itself, but because it was in my defense. And beyond all that, she was willing to stay in this in-between life for longer than she had to. To take it on for me. It was a mystery.
Aisling looked completely unashamed. Her face was unapologetic as she surveyed our shock. I couldn’t comprehend it all, try as I may. Thankfully, without waiting for an invitation, she spoke.
“When I was taken, I was eighteen. I was traveling up the coast from Karlskrona to Stockholm. I had just finished visiting my mother and father, and was on my way back to be with my daughter.”
“Daughter?!” Elizabeth exclaimed, voicing all our disbelief. Even the Ocean seemed shocked at this word. How had She never known?
“Yes, daughter. She was eleven months old at the time. She was supposed to make the trip with me, but she got sick just before the trip. She seemed strong enough by the time we were supposed to go, but I didn’t want to risk it… Best decision of my life by far.
“She was the result of a brief affair with a boy who I loved and was sure loved me. But the moment he found out I was pregnant, he disappeared. I don’t know what happened to him. I can’t even remember his name now. I kept the baby a secret from my family as long as I could. They were ashamed. I think we had been wealthy or prominent maybe... They sent me off to live with my aunt and uncle in the north. They had no children of their own, and didn’t mind my company. And when Tova was born, they were so pleased to have her there, too.”
Aisling’s eyes were alight with the word. Tova, her daughter.
“I thought about her father a lot in the beginning. But after a while, I realized he was the one missing it all. I would have loved him all my life. I would have given him a huge family. But he gave it all up. He gave up a loyal wife and the most beautiful baby I’d ever seen. I was the lucky one. I had her all to myself.”
Aisling was smiling, glowing with the memories of her daughter. I had never seen Aisling smile without malice behind it. All along I had thought she was beautiful, but w
ith this hope behind her features, she was absolutely captivating.
She was right, that boy was an idiot.
When she came out of her reverie, she continued.
“A while after Tova was born, I think my mother was overcome with the guilt of kicking me out. I think I was the only daughter, but I can’t remember anymore. I think she missed me. So we had arranged for Tova and me to come back and visit. Of course, even when Tova got sick, I wanted to make amends with my family. I had hoped in the future we could all be together. So I went without her. I left my baby behind…”
Aisling’s voice broke. She held her delicate hand up to cover her mouth and hauntingly beautiful tears glistened in her eyes. The careful, hard demeanor she had built over nearly a century crumbled in front of me. She was not the horrible person I had thought her to be. Aisling simply ached with a longing that I could partly understand, but still, somehow not. I knew what it meant to be away from the person you loved the most, but I had never been a mother.
“When the ship went down, I refused to give up. I wasn’t going to leave her without a mother if she definitely had no father. He wasn’t coming back, so I had to. I was going to get back to my girl. And when I was asked in the dark of the water what I would give to live on, there was no question. I had something unparalleled when it came to things worth living for. When it’s your child…” She shook her head. “Until then, you just can’t understand. All I could think was ‘Tova. I have to live for Tova.’”
That’s how she did it. Aisling would not be in this situation at all if she had simply thought, “I have to live for my daughter.” Her beauty and youth would not have saved her had her wishes only taken a slightly different route. The Ocean would never have kept a parent.
It was the same as me thinking of Alex and Tommy. The Ocean didn’t know if they were brothers or boyfriends, only that they mattered to me. Tova could have been a sister, a cousin, a friend. And Aisling, after obviously being betrayed in her life, was just naturally more guarded— a quality I obviously lacked.
“When I realized that living didn’t mean that I got her back, I was furious. I was so angry. And then anger melted into sadness. I just had to be away from the others. I had to be alone. Poor Marilyn! She tried to live with me, but I was so distraught, I couldn’t take her company. I really liked her, but I was just so angry. I’ll always regret that— that I couldn’t tell her why. But at least I get to explain it to you.”
Aisling looked around at us, at her sisters, finally being able to enjoy us. She wasn’t hiding anything anymore. She was glowing in her new freedom.
“It was then, while I was by myself, that I realized I could watch her from afar. I didn’t have to be front and center to be a part of her world. So, since almost the very beginning of my sentence, I’ve kept this secret. Bigger than Kahlen’s, huh?” she said that last line with another one of those life-filled smiles. I actually giggled. Despite the insanity of everything happening around me, I had to laugh at Aisling’s first joke in a hundred years. I kept waiting for the Ocean to react, but She stayed still. For now.
“It’s been hard. I’ve had to stay away from the Ocean when we weren’t serving, and when we were I had to guard my thoughts. I knew if I didn’t keep this to myself I’d lose it all. I’m sure you’ve all thought I hated you. That was never the case, and I apologize. It was just easier to watch her and stay anonymous by myself. It was better for you to not know, so I had to make you want to stay away. It’s been a lonely life to live, but at least I got to see my Tova.”
I thought about that. How lonely had I been even with my sisters and the Ocean as my companions? I still felt so lost sometimes. Aisling had nothing to fall back on, no one to talk to. She probably never pursued things the way Miaka, Elizabeth, and I did. She sacrificed everything— her sisters, her Mother, her time, her ambitions— everything for her daughter.
“How did you do it? What did you see? How… just how?” Elizabeth begged. I was waiting for the Ocean to interrupt, to say She’d heard enough. But She listened, too.
“Well, I pick up and move to neighboring towns pretty regularly. I have an array of makeup and wigs I’ve collected. Of course, not speaking was hard, but I learned sign language, and that helped.”
I couldn’t help but gasp. Something else we had in common. All these years I wasted hating her.
“And the things I’ve seen!” Her face was swelling with pride. “Precious memories to any mother. I saw her whole life unfold. I saw her go to school, I watched her play with her little friends as a child. I saw her find a boyfriend, a better one than I found. She dated and married that one boy. I saw her on her wedding day. I found out the date by sitting in the right place at the right time, overhearing conversations. I was sad to not be in the ceremony, but I caught a glimpse of her in her dress, smiling at her new husband. That was all I could ask for. And she never knew.
“I guarded our secret like a treasure, knowing it would end her life and mine if I didn’t show restraint. Distance was the price I had to pay to watch my child grow up. And I gave it happily. I understand all too well Kahlen’s temptation, but I’ve had more practice at being guarded. I do it very well.
“So I watched my daughter live and die. But it wasn’t so sad, because I got to see my grandchildren. I have one granddaughter and two grandsons. The boys have moved away now, but my granddaughter stayed in Stockholm. Just a few years ago, she had a baby. A girl. Do you know what she named her?”
She looked up at us, eyes glistening, completely full of hope.
“Aisling. They named her Aisling. That means that even though I was never there, my daughter knew about me. Someone, maybe my aunt, told her how much I loved her. She knew who I was. Maybe she thought about me while she grew or on her wedding day. If she passed on my name so that my grandchildren would know it, she talked about me. That means I never really did leave her… in all that time…”
Her mind wandered away. What she was feeling, I couldn’t be sure, but I did know what it meant to hope the ones we left behind missed us or thought about us.
Miaka and Elizabeth might have missed the meaning in all of this. Elizabeth’s family almost always overlooked her. It was something that, even though the names and faces of her family were slowly disappearing, she still felt she had to fight against. And Miaka had been little more than a servant. It took decades of me showing her how strong and valuable she was for her to start walking around with her head up. They didn’t miss the ones they lost like Aisling and I did. Somewhere in the world, right now, we had true loves.
Aisling came back from her daydream and spoke.
“So, now that I have a namesake, I’d really like to see what she turns out to be. But my time is running out. In two years, she’ll be gone from my mind, and that breaks my heart. I have no big plans for myself or any great ambitions. I just want to see my great granddaughter, the new Aisling, grow up. I know it can’t go on forever, but this would give me some peace after years of torturing others.” She spoke to the Ocean now, more than to the rest of us.
“I would be happy to, and more than deserve to, take on Kahlen’s punishment. I’ll take the sentence for her. I know I’m not a pet to You like she is, but I am faithful. I can do this job and restrain myself. I am disciplined enough to keep our secret. If I stay longer it will save You the hurt and labor of choosing another girl. It’s convenient.
“Furthermore, Kahlen may have made a mistake, and I’ll admit it’s a serious one, but over all these years she has always put the needs of others before her own. She gave Marilyn the precious younger sister she craved, she helped Miaka come into her own, she tried to curb Elizabeth’s wild temperament, and never, even when I desperately deserved it, has she ever struck me.” She smiled. “Even now, we’re talking about punishing her, but it’s not her life she’s worried about.”
Her voice had a tone of awe to it, as if my thinking of Akinl
i before myself was any better than her putting her daughter first.
But maybe it was more than that— that I’d almost always put all of them before me. With the outrageous exception of dragging Miaka and Elizabeth across the Atlantic, I couldn’t think of another time when I’d let my own wants come before theirs. I hadn’t really thought about it, but Aisling was right.
She continued.
“I have tortured my sisters. I’ve had none of her grace. It may not seem as serious to You, but shouldn’t I pay penance for what I’ve done? Take the two years I have left, the eighteen she has left, and the fifty You’re prepared to add and give it all to me.”
There were no words. I couldn’t fathom that this was in any way an option. And still, here she was exposing her secret that may put her or her family in danger, humbling herself for nothing.
I was moved.
We were all quiet for a while except for the sobs. I don’t remember starting to cry again, but we were all weeping for some reason or another.
Finally, the Ocean spoke.
She said She was proud of Aisling for being so selfless. All these years She had doubted Her decision to take Aisling and was glad to see the goodness in her now-eldest daughter. But it was hardly fair for Her to just release me for breaking the rules. It wasn’t fair to Miaka or Elizabeth or Aisling to let me go. But Miaka spoke up.
“I think it’s fair! Kahlen has been the best of us. I think You should let her go. If you let her go, I’ll take fifty more years, too.”
Miaka’s gesture made me cry even harder.
“Me, too!” Elizabeth chimed in. “Fifty years and then some. Let her go.”
I couldn’t believe they would do that for me. It was all pointless… still the offer meant so much to me. But I knew that if our roles were reversed, and I had no one and they had someone, I’d make the same offer. Even before Akinli, it was important to me that people who could be together should be if they had a chance.