The Ocean spoke again. She said She was moved by their goodness. It made Her surer than ever that She had chosen the right people to be Her companions. But She had to be consistent. Setting me free early— and as a direct result of disobedience— set a bad precedent. It would be unkind to everyone who had served before, and might be expected by anyone to come in the future.
“You’re wrong,” Aisling said. “Look at us. You have three sirens begging for more time, not less. It’s simple. Give me the time, and I’ll serve You even better than I have before. Let Miaka and Elizabeth finish their years. So long as you don’t add anyone until around the time Elizabeth leaves, no one would be here to know but me. And I think it’s obvious at this point that I know how to keep a secret. It would disappear with us.”
The Ocean was silent. Was She actually considering this? Perhaps She was thinking of a way to punish us all for being so rebellious. It wouldn’t be hard for Her to wipe us all out at once, but I’d imagine starting from scratch would be incredibly inconvenient.
“Honestly,” Aisling spoke cautiously, “I think You know that this is fair. I think You want Kahlen to have a chance at this, too. The real problem is that You’re going to miss her too much.”
The Ocean didn’t respond. Aisling continued carefully.
“You’ve already said that You love her. You don’t want to hurt her. And You know that we don’t want anyone to die. I think You were banking on us asking for more time. Except the extra time isn’t for Kahlen, it’s for You. You don’t want to let her go…”
A few more moments of silence passed.
“No one understands how hard it is to let go of a daughter like I do… even when it’s the right thing.”
More silence.
I wouldn’t have known what it was if I hadn’t been there to hear Aisling’s speech. Across the world, I wondered what people were thinking if they were seeing it, too. The water on the surface started to writhe. It looked like huge invisible snakes were crawling along the water, from north to south. Long lashes of wet ripples moved across the water, all the way up to our feet.
She was crying.
There was no sound to accompany it, but I knew. She loved me. She never would have killed me, even if I had begged Her. She would have been sad to kill Akinli because it would hurt me, but She would have done it if She had to. Deep down in Her heart, wherever and whatever that was, She was hoping they would vote that I would stay longer. She didn’t want to me to leave Her.
I felt too much love in too short a time to know what to do. I was finally sure of Akinli’s feelings and my sisters were willing to sacrifice so much for me. Then the Ocean was silently weeping at the thought of me leaving Her… the most precious of Her daughters out of reach…
I cried, too.
I walked out into the surf until the water reached the middle of my legs, and slowly, tenderly got down on my knees. I didn’t have arms long enough, but I hoped She would feel the gesture all the same. From where I was kneeling, I bent down and pressed my body against Her, stretching my arms out as wide as I could. I hugged Her as best I was able, holding the pose for a long time. I stayed there feeling Her against me. The tears continued to dance down the surface, under my embrace. I held Her, the way She had held me when I had lost something I loved. I had hated Her enough in my life, that was true, but it was only like that because I actually felt passionately about Her.
Miaka and Elizabeth and possibly even Aisling were above hating the Ocean. But they were also below loving Her. I could feel my hate so strongly because I felt my love even stronger. They didn’t know Her, not like I did. I had told Her I loved Her before, but She probably never needed to hear it more than now. Even though She was about to make me live this life for sixty-eight more years, because that was Her only option now, I couldn’t bring myself to be angry with Her. She was still my Mother.
Don’t cry. It’s alright. I love You, too. Just please, don’t hurt Akinli. I’ll never go back to him again. I won’t put You or my sisters in danger anymore. Fifty years will be a blessing. I’ll use my time better this turn. You don’t have to cry.
I thought Her mysterious voice broke when She spoke again.
Kahlen, She said, say good-bye to your sisters.
She was letting me go.
They all jumped up. Miaka and Elizabeth hugged one another, then ran over to Aisling to embrace her, too. I realized that it must have been her first hug in a very long time. They clapped, they cried, they cheered. And finally, they ran into the water patting me on the back as I held my position. I let them dance around while I took my time moving. I didn’t want Her to think I was eager to leave Her… I honestly wasn’t. I didn’t move from my pose until I could feel the wiggles of water beneath me slow… and then grow small… and then stop completely. She was alright now, so I could stand. Before I slowly rose, I whispered to Her.
Don’t worry. We’ll be alone soon.
I stood and found Elizabeth first since she was closest. “Elizabeth, you have made me braver. I can’t thank you enough for simply being yourself. I don’t know how anyone ever looked over you; you are a prize.”
She smiled at me with tears in her eyes. Elizabeth was usually tougher than that. “You are so good. I hope your new life will be a happy one. Give that boy some extra kisses for me! Love you.”
“Love you.”
Just behind Elizabeth, absolutely beaming with huge tears in her eyes, Miaka waited.
“My first little sister! You’re so creative, and you helped wake that part of me up. Anything I ever create in my next life, I owe to you. You are my darling, and I love you.” I held her tight.
“I love you! Thank you for always encouraging me. I wouldn’t have known what to do with all this time without you here. You made me. If you ever find a mysterious painting on your doorstep, it’s me!” We both laughed. I released her, and turned, finally, to Aisling. The one sister I thought I would never have a good-bye for.
“How could I ever thank you, Aisling?” I asked.
“By really living,” she said simply. “You went through a lot to get him… embrace your new life with everything you have. That will make me happy. And I have to thank you, for letting me have your time.”
“No one could use it better. I’m sure your little Aisling will grow up to be as strong and amazing as you are.”
“We’ll see,” she said with a shrug and a smile. She would see… and I couldn’t be more pleased.
“Good-bye, Kahlen.”
“Good-bye, Aisling.”
“Good-bye.” Miaka and Elizabeth chorused.
“Good-bye.”
It was time to go. I looked at my sisters one last time and then sank slowly away from them.
The mood shifted abruptly.
I could still feel Her sadness, but the Ocean was suddenly businesslike. She informed me there was a huge challenge ahead of us. Most sirens had discovered their passion over the long course of their life. She couldn’t deny that I was passionate about Akinli, more so than most others were about whatever love they had discovered, but the problem was that I’d only cared for him over one short year. That’s barely a drop in a century. I might not remember him very clearly when I woke up in my new life.
I hadn’t thought about this. In my mind, I was still at least eighteen years away from freedom. I would think about it then, when it was a possibility. It seemed like a serious fault on my part to have not considered all of this better.
On top of that, most girls wanted to get a specific job or go to a specific place. I was going after a specific person. People move. She couldn’t find Akinli until he touched water, so it might be a long wait. And even then, he couldn’t actually see me arrive; it would scare him senseless to see my body propelled out of the water, landing however and wherever it might.
I didn’t know that was coming either.
> The Ocean knew where Akinli’s house was, thanks to me, so just leaving me near there was an option. But if he didn’t come out and find me before I regained consciousness, I might just wander off. Because he knew me as Kahlen, She couldn’t even offer me a stolen identity. She could give me money, and that would help a little, but with or without it, if anyone else found me I’d probably be taken to a hospital. As hard as I tried, I still might not remember Akinli enough to look for him, and he would have no clue I was back or to be looking for me. I would be another random soul.
We’d have to be patient. We’d be leaving a lot up to chance. But She said that if this was truly what I wanted, She would do Her best to help me get it.
I love Akinli. I’d risk being alone and lost in the world to try.
Then She would try, too.
It was done, and I was ready, but I was still nervous about all the chance involved. After all this time, would I remember how to be human by myself? And if I had no help, would I survive alone? I was a girl— young, and not very strong once I left this body— that someone could hurt. There were a hundred “what ifs.” But I had to face them. If that was the way to Akinli, then that was what I would do.
Once that decision was made, we settled into one another. We were going to have to wait for goodness knows how long. I couldn’t time my good-bye. I just had to stay in this slow departure until my time with the Ocean was gone.
I really do love You. No matter what.
She said She knew. She felt it over and over again in my head, long before I was ever brave enough to say it.
Do I think it a lot?
Yes, often. In my head, She was like a mother. Since Pawleys Island, it was the undertone of every address I’d given Her. Even when I was mad.
I don’t think I knew that I felt it so often. Or all the time I mean. I knew I thought of You as my mom though.
She said there are some relationships you can’t just turn off. Once it is, it is. Our circumstances wouldn’t change that in us.
Even when I’m gone?
Even when I was gone.
Even when I’m old?
Even when I was old.
I was suddenly very sad.
Will I remember You at all?
She didn’t think so. She hoped it all disappeared. She didn’t want me remembering things I didn’t really want to just to hold onto some of the things I did.
I understand what You mean. If anyone had asked me before, I don’t think I would have thought about it, but if I had to keep some of the bad just to know You were there, I would.
She appreciated that, but still didn’t want that for any of us, least of all me.
We talked about ourselves. We remembered how casual our relationship had been, the distance bridged between the enormous, eternal Sea and a tiny, breakable girl. We told each other we loved each other countless times, making up for all the opportunities we missed over the eighty years we’d spent together.
We talked about my island. Before today it had been so long since I had been there last. I didn’t even take the time to enjoy it one last time. Now I would never see my beautiful escape again. That saddened me.
You should give it to the girls. They’d appreciate it.
Yes, they probably would. But they had the entirety of the world. She was going to keep the island for Herself, a token to remember me by.
I guess when you’re a big as the Ocean, an island might be the right size for a token.
We remembered all of the conversations we’d had in places all over the world. Those memories filled up hours. We laughed, and I cried. We spoke about our disagreements briefly. There weren’t very many, but they were always monumental. We discussed all the plans I had made— my desires to teach or work with the hearing impaired— and how they were all about to be tossed aside. It was exciting and terrifying.
My Mother wanted me to know, once and for all, that She deeply regretted any pain She had ever caused me. She was sorry about my parents and Jillian and Akinli. She was sorry that She made me feel trapped and restless and depressed. Since the moment She chose me, She thought I was special and admitted She’d been a little selfish with my affection. Still this, our nearness, was better than anything She had ever hoped for.
Please, no more apologies. You know I’m not angry. I’m just passionate. You told me Yourself once that I never love anyone halfway. Doesn’t that include You? No more being sorry. If anything, I should apologize to You. I’ve turned Your world upside down today. I never meant to-
She cut me off. Weren’t we past all this now? We knew. And that was enough.
We didn’t talk much about Akinli. I didn’t worry about my future; I just let Her enjoy my present. I should have given Her more of me. So much time I wasted. But there was one thing about Akinli and Her that I just had to know.
How did you know Akinli loved me? I asked, recalling what She had said back at the island.
She said She didn’t usually use this gift of Hers unless She was communicating with us, or in the act of choosing a siren, but this was one case where She just had to know what was going on in his mind. She was always looking out for him, and whenever he went into the water, She paid attention. She hoped to be able to tell me something bright, but couldn’t lie to me once She saw how sad his thoughts were. She felt how much he ached for me.
Then later, when he fell in, She searched his mind to see if he was a girl. Although that was admittedly unnecessary with four sirens already in place, it was a habit of Hers that was all but impossible to turn off. But he was thinking of me. She saw me in his head.
Even unconscious, even on his way to death, I was all he thought of.
I couldn’t think of the words to express it, but that knowledge gave me confidence again. She was glad to be able to give me hope. And then, as if She had just realized She could give me something for my next life, She told me to wait.
I thought She was collecting money for me. Where would I keep it in this dress? But I was wrong. She pulled deep from within Herself; I could feel the search. After a few minutes, my tiny silver necklace came floating in front of me. Where the clasp had broken from the speed, She had tied it together with a long piece of string. She put it on me. It fell much lower on my chest now with the string, but it was somehow even more precious to me.
Thank You! This means so much to me! Oh… I’m going to miss You.
She would miss me, too. We had been speaking for hours, perhaps close to a day. But I couldn’t be silent. I was about to say something else, but She hushed me.
She told me quickly that She loved me.
I love You, too, Mother. Always.
My Ocean told me to think of Akinli. Hard. Say his name, remember his face. Turn everything in my mind to Akinli.
I did what She told me to. I thought his name over and over. While I remembered the name that had become my favorite word in the world, I thought of a feature. Akinli— his beautiful blue eyes. Akinli— his growing blond hair. Akinli— his wonderful smile. Akinli— his strong hands. Akinli— his golden laugh.
Akinli, Akinli, Akinli.
She whispered Her good-bye.
I didn’t get to respond.
My body shot forward.
I was traveling so fast, the salt hit my skin at a thousand angles like it did whenever I moved through Her. But it was different. I could really feel it— and it hurt.
The water seemed to squeeze tight around my body. Suddenly, my mouth jerked open. I felt something cold come rushing out of my lungs. As it left my mouth, I saw the dark blueness of this substance float away from me.
For the first time in decades, I felt the need for air. It was a burning need. I searched for the surface. It took me a while to realize which way was up. I turned around in the Ocean. I finally saw the sun breaking through the surface of water that was growing more and mor
e shallow. In the distance, giant leaves of sea kelp were clawing towards the light.
It was too far away.
I wasn’t going to make it.
I tried to hold onto my consciousness, but I felt the blackness close in as I moved. All this work, all this time, and I wouldn’t even see him.
Akinli.
I held onto his name. It was the last thing I thought. As I slipped into sleep, I felt my body break through the surface.
And everything was black.
Akinli
CHAPTER 18
Fresh. Salty. Clean. Sweet.
The smell of the ocean was something I’d been familiar with since I was a kid. Mom and Dad used to bring me to visit Ben and his parents I don’t know how many times a year. But that smell had a new meaning to me now.
Julie had been telling me to stop thinking about Kahlen. And I tried, I really did. But it seemed like every day something happened to put her in the forefront of my mind.
It had been almost a year, and it wasn’t getting any better. I was hoping (and dreading) that with time I’d think about her less and less. But, if I was being honest with myself, she was always there.
When my parents died, they were on my mind all the time, too. Every once in a while, something would distract me, and I’d feel normal for a little while. And then when Kahlen showed up, that ache turned into something dull in the background. I could still feel it, but it wasn’t so overwhelming. For the first time in months, I felt like myself again.
But now I always felt wrong. Where was she? Was she safe? Did she hate me? No one could give me any answers. I knew I had always been the type to worry. When Kahlen left, she became the biggest and easiest thing to worry about. And now it was getting bad.
Really bad.
It used to be that if a girl with long brown hair passed, I’d have to watch her walk away. I’d wait for her to turn around so I could be sure one way or the other. But these girls with their copycat hair were never her. If someone laughed with their breath, letting out a low sound as opposed to loud chuckles, I’d turn my head, searching around for the source. But again, not her.