Chapter Four
Athena’ s Story
I am beautiful. That’s what he told me right before he left. He said that he was no good for me so he had to leave. He said that he wanted me to find myself a good man who would treat me right. Then he said that he didn’t want to waste no more of my time. He didn’t even ask me if I mind at all. I would have told him that I did. I would have told him not to leave because I love him and he is all I need. I would have said that he was all I ever knew and all that I wanted to know. I would have told him that if he left I would never find another cause no one would want me around for too long. I would have said he was all I had and that he really was good enough for me. I would have let him know that maybe I wasn’t good enough for him. I would have told him that no one would ever again tell me that I was beautiful. I would have told him that he didn’t have to lie about loving me; it wouldn’t have stopped me from loving him. I would have told him that I wouldn’t survive too much longer without him. I would have told him the truth but he didn’t give me a chance. Perhaps he knew that he could do better. Perhaps he was waiting for the right moment to leave. Maybe I was just part of a cruel joke that lasted for eleven years.
I wonder if he knew how lonely this place would be without him. Even though we didn’t speak much to each other, our company, his presence, was all that I needed. He didn’t like talking to me because he said I make him feel dumb, so I got dumb for him. I didn’t want him feeling dumb. Since he wasn’t a good reader, he said that people always thought he was stupid but he’s not stupid. I told him that once. He said I shouldn’t lie. He said one day he was going to shock everybody and learn how to read on his own, but he just worked too much. I told him that too. I said you’re too tired to be trying to read by yourself. Let me help you some. He said no, that I can’t teach him nothing, but then he said that I was smart. He tells me that he is glad that he don’t have no dumb women like his friend Ray. He said Ray woman is the dumbest woman to walk the earth. He said that you could tell that woman anything and she would believe it. Like the time he said that he was joking around with her one night at the bar. He told her that she needed to leave that man of hers. He told her that her man was cheatin’ on her with some white woman at work. Don’t you know she really left him. ‘Til this day Ray didn’t understand why she left him and my man never even told him what he said to her. I told my old man that it wasn’t right to do that. I told him that he should tell her the truth so she could be back with her man. But he said if she dumb enough to believe that then she shouldn’t be with him anyway.
He’s always teasing that woman at the bar. I don’t go to them bars cause he don’t like me in there. He said that I was a decent woman and decent women don’t belong in bars. He right too. That’s why I didn’t understand why Ray let his woman go to bars. Even if he ain’t there she be in there. I wondered what she do in that bar with all those men folk. I went to see her too when my man left me. I just needed somebody to talk to and she the only woman that I talk to around here but she was gone. She was staying with her momma after she left Ray. So I went around the corner. Her momma told me that she was gone and didn’t know where she went. She said some man in a gold wagon came to pick her up. That didn’t make any sense to me. None at all. My man is the only one with a golden station wagon around here. Why would he go and pick her up. He hated that dumb woman. Maybe he felt bad for telling her that story. He probably took her back down the hill to Ray. That’s probably what he done. He might be staying with them for a while and feeling bad for leaving me. So I decided to go and see. I was hoping to really see my man again. It’s just so many things I wanted to tell him but he left too soon.
I didn’t see his car out front but I rang the bell anyway. Ray Jr. opened up the door. He must have been playing in the dirt all day cause he sure was a pitiful sight. He usually looks real clean and handsome. He sure is getting big though. I told him to go get his daddy or mommy. He’s a smart kid cause he didn’t let me in the house. I waited outside until Ray came out. He was looking just as dirty as his son and he smelled bad too, like he’d been drinking for breakfast and lunch and dinner. I asked him if he seen my man around and he got a funny look in his eyes. It looked like his eyes were on fire or something. He mumbled something before he spoke. When he finally answered me it sounded like he wanted to cry. He told me that my man took his wife and ran off. I didn’t believe him though. I thought he was just mad and wanted me to be mad too. I told him that maybe he was just taking her somewhere as a favor. But then he told me, and it broke my heart in little tiny pieces. My man waited outside while she dropped Ray Jr. off and picked up the rest of her things. She told Ray that my man knows how to treat a woman right. She was right too. That’s why I couldn’t let her keep my man cause she ain’t good for him. Once he sees me again and remember how beautiful I am then he will know he made a mistake. He knows she ain’t a decent woman but she must’ve got her claws wrapped around his neck. I knew I had to find him before she made him do something crazy. Then Ray told me that my man told everybody at the job he was going to Pittsburgh. That’s when I knew he was at his momma house. His momma the only one he know in Pittsburgh. So I went. I got right on the bus the next day. I brought along the gun my man brought me just in case things got out of hand.
All during the ride I was thinking about what I was gonna say. I didn’t even know how to approach them. The two-hour ride was shorter than I thought. Probably cause I spent so much time thinking instead of resting.
I was surprised that I remembered exactly where she lived and I saw my man car right in the driveway. He still had my rabbit’s tail that I gave him for good luck hanging from the mirror. I started walking towards the house and here come my man and Ray’s woman coming out the door. I must’ve surprise them too cause they was trying to run back inside. I caught up with them though cause I’m a little woman and I could move fast. I don’t know why they tried to take off like that. I just wanted to talk to them at first but they ran from me like I was a monster or something. I wasn’t going to do anything to them. Maybe I did want to scare them a little. Only because it hurt bad seeing them together like that. So I just pulled out the gun and chased after them. He shouldn’t have tried to take it from me though cause I had a tight grip around it and nobody could get it from me, not even my strong man.
I’m glad that I found him before he married that dumb old woman. But he made me do something awful. Blood was all over me and I didn’t know where it was coming from. I couldn’t bear to look anymore so I just closed my eyes and lied down on the lawn. I felt my man’s arm come across my chest. He whispered, “I love you” in my ear as he lied beside me. Then I knew that nothing mattered anymore, cause now we were together again. It was my man and me, lying down peacefully on the grass, the way we used to do in bed. I saw all images in the sky gravitating towards me. I didn’t realize the beauty that always surrounded me until then.
With simplicity comes clarity. There lies the true treasure because it shows you how to appreciate the simple things that makes life beautiful. You gain a better understanding of the universe by seeing it in its smaller scope. Simplicity is the big picture. Water is water no matter if it is in a cup or an ocean its attributes are the same. Witnessing it in its vastness is what captivates us because we see the power of nature in its full capacity. Now I saw everything the way it was supposed to be. The ugliness that too exists loses its power once I stopped giving it attention. Within the nucleus of pain I gained a second of understanding.
The days following his departure, time disappeared with him. Life was just one long day after that. He left me in a hurtful world that I spent my life avoiding. Others tried preparing me for the moment of truth but I set out to prove them wrong. Pain and hurt was their reality not mine. Although I knew that I could not function in truth, I never expected to die. I was too afraid. I wanted that woman dead. She ended my happiness and I wanted her to suffer. I aimed
it right at her but he grabbed it. Instead, I accidentally shot my lover. This is where my memory gets fuzzy. I must have dropped the gun at some point because she was standing above me with it in her hand. A bullet ended my life but I died long before then, of a broken heart. She deserved to die that day and it angered me to see that she would survive. I was comforted only in knowing that we both were going to die together (my lover and me). She could not take that moment away from me.
That comfort was short lived as the pain became unbearable. I can tell you that death does not guarantee peace. In fact, it is rarely peaceful because it takes concentration to find your serene state of mine. Many are unable to find that place in time because fear overwhelms and consumes the moment. The mind and body is used to living, so when you quickly strip yourself from the breath of life, it is agonizing physically and mentally. As peaceful as dying in your sleep sounds, even those fortunate individuals suffer from some form of anxiety before leaving this planet. No matter how ready you are spiritually or mentally the body will always show resistance to death. It is built to live. Although it may not seem apparent to the watchful eye, we have no idea of the inner battle taking place.
Spiritually, I’ve always been ready to go to a better place where love is evident and given to all unconditionally. What I didn’t know was that the physical world is a reflection of the spiritual world. Beauty and ugliness is prevalent in both. My spirit is struggling here just as I did while alive. It doesn’t matter where you are; peace comes from within.
When you die you do not go to a better place. That better place has always existed. It is up to the individual to find it so that she can enjoy this life and not wait for the afterlife. Your soul does not change just because the surroundings have. The same unresolved issues that you had in this world will follow you. That is why it is important to establish some type of consistency within you so that you are okay in any given situation. Part of mastering oneself is having the ability to function (overcoming conditions) in a place where you don’t want to be. It means accepting the world just the way it is presented, but not becoming complacent with it. You must decide how you can make your situation better and do it.
There is so much in this world to love and worthy of receiving it and I missed out on that. Other people told me that they cared about me, but it didn’t matter because I didn’t feel it from the person that meant most to me. I know that I should have been loved better. Although others loved me, it just wasn’t enough. I had to know that this person loved me. The love from others meant nothing. So I am guilty of wanting more than I needed. I wanted something detrimental to me.
Have a reason to want everything that you desire; let that reason be motivated by love. I was more in love with the idea of love than anything else, including him. That idea brought me happiness. I must not have loved him or I would have let him go. Obviously, he didn’t love me or he wouldn’t have left me. I guess I always knew that he didn’t really love me and that was my motivation for proving him wrong. I wanted him to see I was worthy of his love. However, you always want what you can’t have. I refused to let him go, and therefore, lived in a world that didn’t exist. Anything is not better than nothing at all. At least with nothing you have truth. I needed him to think that I was special. If he accepted me then nothing else mattered. I became infatuated by his rejection all because I didn’t understand myself.
There is something quite chilling about someone that is always poised. I was never one to act irrationally because I was never tested. Once I was put in a situation that tested my character, I failed. As a woman I allowed my insecurities to swallow the best of me. Because of our insecurities we, women, are at a spiritual, mental and physical disadvantage. We let our insecurities dictate our actions. We are insecure about our looks, our intellect, and our character. So when we are not getting the attention we want or if we see others getting more, it falsely confirms our insecurities. It makes them real. As in any other minority group we also feel the need to prove ourselves worthy. Attention gives us confidence. When we get the attention that we desire, it momentarily takes us away from our insecurities. This is why we have an unyielding need for attention. It makes us feel that we are special in some way. It tells us that we are pretty enough, smart enough, and interesting enough to someone else.
Don’t allow others to define your worth because eventually the truth will all be revealed. Don’t allow time to reveal who you are either. Actively discover you for yourself. You cannot run away from yourself forever by surrounding yourself with others, talking on the phone, or preoccupying your time by watching television, listening to music or even reading a book; anything to take us away from ourselves. All of these distractions are done deliberately by our subconscious so that we won’t feel alone. We don’t want to be alone because we don’t want to face what we are. “An unexamined life is a life not worth living”-Socrates.
Many seemingly nice people act irrationally when confronted with their darkness (the part of you that you don’t like and don’t want to face, which therefore haunts you) by someone other than themselves. They may react violently or “out of character.” The truth is that they have been exposed. Therefore, when they see who they really are they don’t like it. They do whatever they have to do to erase it, even kill to rid themselves of truth and the person that brought truth to them (It’s usually their spouse because their mate is usually the person who knows them most, sometimes better than they know themselves). Eventually, you will find yourself in a situation where your identity is meaningless. The character you created no longer serves a purpose. This is when you can begin searching for who you truly are.
If you realize that you do not like who you are, change those things that you deem unacceptable. Only you know what your demons are and only you can prevent them from taking control of your life. If you are able to conquer or control your demons, you are closer to knowing your true self and the power that you possess.
People who are dedicated to changing their lives, inadvertently change the lives of others. They become so committed to becoming a better person that it leads them to helping others. This is done inadvertently because their initial motives are selfish. It is so that they can be pleased with themselves. Usually these people are struggling with their demons but refuse to give in to them. In time, it is not about them anymore but about the people that they are inspiring. If they focus entirely on helping others they don’t allow ominous thoughts to enter into their minds. Your mission becomes clear and nothing is impossible. I never reached that point. I based my total existence on another because I lacked self- love.
When you have self-love you have the love of the universe behind you, but you have to want to love yourself. Once you have self-love, you would be less dependent on others to fill that void. This is something often said but rarely practiced because it takes too much effort to love thyself. You have to accept the things you cannot change about who you are (usually these things are physical in nature and should not matter anyway). We need people to love us because we are born dependent on others. All that matters to us initially is self- gratification. We get that first from our parents who give us everything that we need food, shelter, and love. As we get older we continue to rely on others for love.
We may grow more independent in other areas of our life but not when it comes to love. Everyone wants to be loved by another human being. We focus more on others loving us than we do loving ourselves because we are codependent beings who have always been a part of something other than ourselves.
We were all pieces of floating matter that was once ethereally connected. So being surrounded by others gives us a sense of unity, which we all desire. The truth is we don’t realize that we are and always will be connected to one another. Unfortunately, we don’t see it so we don’t feel the connection anymore. One way to get reconnected is to understand the role you play in the universe. (Reminder: Our spiritual body form cells that we call souls. All cells have a role to p
lay within the body of the universe to keep it functioning. Once manifested into physical cells, we have a role to play to keep this world (our bigger body) functioning. Reconnect with yourself first by spending time alone.) This means being alone with your thoughts and embracing every part of you. Accept every aspect of who you are, the good and the bad, so that you can grow into the person you want to be. Converse with yourself often; asking yourself questions is a good way to get to know yourself and what you believe in. The more time that you spend alone the more time that you have to face your demons. Deal with them so that you can conquer them. When you are able to understand those issues that afflict you, the more you will understand yourself. The more that you understand yourself the more you can understand others because people are mostly the same. There is not much contrast in the way the average person thinks and feels. They just express themselves differently. It is only the extreme person that has a hard time understanding himself and others. Therefore, their reactions may be extreme. I’m not saying avoid people because that is also extreme, besides you learn a lot about yourself by observing how you are around others.
After establishing self- love, you can love others. When you sincerely love others they feel that love and will naturally love you in return if they, too, have established self-love. This is when you have found the connection and can engage in the outpouring of everlasting love. The miracle is that once you have self-love it doesn’t matter if someone loves you back. You are not expecting anything from anyone, but it comes naturally anyway. You will have a deep love for life that goes beyond the physical form of a thing.
Embrace life, embrace love, and embrace death with understanding. You cannot substitute anything for true self-love. Sometimes I think I see sparks of beauty but it is just tainted love. You may spend your entire life surrounding yourself with people who you know love you, which may be gratifying at the time. However, there will be a moment even if it is your last, where nothing else matters except the love that you have for yourself.