“Highs and lows are a part of life, Jasper. There’s not one person that hasn’t had to have help of some sort at some point. There’s no reason to feel like a ‘loser’ about it. ”
I shrugged. “I can’t help how I feel. ”
“Of course. You’ve spent the last eight years being the strong one that your mum and sister relied upon. You feel you should just be able to deal with this and move on quickly. But you can’t, very understandably, so you feel worse about yourself. ”
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I blinked a few times, and she smiled, knowing she’d hit the bullseye.
“I will get over it,” I said.
“I have no doubt that you will, but I think it’ll go a lot faster, and a lot smoother if you allow yourself to go through it. ”
Shuffling on the sofa, I nodded. “I’ll try. ”
I went to get something for dinner and crate of beer after therapy. Parking outside the supermarket, I spotted Brett walking to his car with a full trolley. My hand fisted around the door handle. His life hadn’t been screwed up by his affair with my wife. Nothing had changed for him.
Shoving the door open, I ran at a dead speed and collided with his back. He shouted out, air leaving his lungs. His eyes widened as he spun around and saw who’d slammed into him.
“Jasper,” he gasped. “I’m so sorry. We didn’t plan it. It just happened. ”
“Right, of course, you just fell inside her. Was that how it happened, Brett?”
He shook his head. “I am sorry. I’ve got to go. ”
I laughed. “Yeah, say hi to my wife for me. ”
As he walked away, he muttered, “I’m not seeing her. ”
I couldn’t give a flying fuck if he was. I walked in the supermarket, heart pounding and hands shaking, and picked up two bottles of Bourbon.
Chapter Thirteen
Rubbing my tired, stinging eyes, I tried to make sense of what was on the computer screen. I’d had about four hours sleep after downing a bottle of Bourbon and crashing on the sofa. I felt like shit, but at seven in the morning, I woke up needing the toilet and something popped into my head: I’d taken Abby’s name.
Now I wished I’d changed my surname to my mum’s maiden name and not worried that I would have a different one to my wife. I couldn’t stay a Farrell and have anything related to my father, but I should have thought more about what would happen if me and Abby broke up. At the time that seemed impossible though. We were never going to hurt each other. We were going to be one of the couples that made it.
I was lost with no last name to claim that didn’t hurt like hell. There was no name I could now take that related me to anyone. Mum had Miles’ and Oakley had Cole’s. A name shouldn’t matter, but when you had nothing it was oddly important.
I dialled Mum’s number, and she picked up right when I was about to give up. “Hello?” she said down the line.
Shit, I’d woken her up. “Mum, sorry, I’ll call back later. ”
“No! I’m awake. Are you okay, love?”
“I need a surname. ”
Silence.
“Sorry?” she finally said.
“I don’t want Abby’s anymore. I definitely don’t want Max’s. What surnames are in the family?”
“Um. Are you sure you want to do this?”
“Yeah, I don’t want anything to do with her anymore. ”
“Alright. Well there’s my maiden name or your nan’s. ”
“What’s nan’s?” I should probably know that, but I didn’t. I bet Oakley did.
“Scofield. ”
“Jasper Scofield,” I said.
“Sounds good,” Mum said. “And I think it would mean a lot to Nan. Are you sure you don’t just want to go back to Farrell?”
I ground my teeth. “I’d rather have no name than his. ”
“I understand, but I’d also understand if you wanted to. It was your name too, what you were born with and supposed to pass on. ”
“Well now it’ll die with him and that suits me just fine. ”
She sighed. “Okay. What did you do last night?”
“Nothing. ”
“Stayed in and drank?”
“Why’d you ask if you knew?”
“Jasper, sweetheart. You can do better than this. Don’t you dare let that woman break you. I know it’s devastating to find out someone you love is a different person than you thought but you can get through it. Pick yourself up, love, you’re better than this. ”
I felt like crap. She’d been through the ultimate betrayal. My wife had cheated; her husband was a paedophile that allowed another man to abuse her daughter. My issues paled in comparison.
“God I’m sorry, Mum. ”
“Don’t you do that either. You’ve been hurt, and you’re allowed to feel hurt. I just want my happy-go-lucky son back. I’ve missed him this last six months. ”
“Six months?” It had just been over a month since Abby and I broke up.
“You’ve not been yourself for a while. ”
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Right. I had hoped they didn’t notice how unhappy I was getting being stuck. I wanted to move forward with my life and with Abby, but for a while we’d been floating, watching our lives pass us by. Or rather I had. She was sailing off without me.
“You’re right, Mum. ” I wanted to be the old Jasper again.
“What are you going to do?”
“I’m going to spend the day sanding down the wall in the hallway ready to paint, then I’m going out. ”
“Okay,” she said, and I knew she didn’t understand how that was going to help, besides the decorating part – that was instead of paying rent. The old Jasper would go out whenever possible. I had no kids and no responsibilities so I should be out there living it up.
“I’ll speak to you later. Love you. ”
“Love you too,” she replied and hung up.
“Fancy seeing you here,” I said, leaning next to Holly at the bar. “You’re drinking. You don’t really drink. ”
“Harry,” she said.
“Oh. What’s the dick done?”
“He keeps blowing hot and cold, and when I confronted him about it he broke up with me. Now he wants to get back together. ”
Blind idiot.
“And what do you want?”
“I don’t like people playing games in relationships. I like to know where I am and where I stand. When I’m with him, I never know if she’s going to go off on one about me liking my ex’s status on Facebook. I’m friends with my ex, nothing more. ”
I shrugged. “Told you he was a dick. ”
“Thank you for that. ”
“So you’re drowning your sorrows, huh?”
“Thought I’d give it a go. Works for Brad. And you. ”
“Yeah but me and Brad are…”
Her eyes widened, the blue brighter with the spotlights above the bar glaring down on them. “If you say guys I’m going to smash this glass over your head. ”
I laughed, sitting down on a stool. “Not where I was going. We’re… I don’t know how to put it without offending you. ”
“Just say it,” she said, frowning.
“You’re good. ” That probably wasn’t the best word to use. “Me and Brad do the getting smashed and sleeping around thing, but that’s not you, Holly. You don’t seem like the type that can do casual. And I don’t mean because you’re female because I know women that can have no strings sex just as well as I can. ”
She stared at me for a long minute, and I paid extra attention to her hand wrapped around her glass.
Finally, she sighed. “You’re right. I’ve always been Good Girl Holly, getting high grades and coming home on time. I’ve never done anything impulsive. I’ve slept with two people, both of which I was in a relationship with, albeit a short one with Harry, but I thought we were going somewhere.
I’m boring, aren’t I?”
Oh dear God what have I done?
“You’re not boring, Holly. There’s nothing wrong with not sleeping around!”
She waved her hand at me. “You think there is. ”
“When did I say that? Why do women make something else out of what you say?”
“What do you think when you look at me?”
Now that was a dangerous question.
“I see a woman that has no idea how sexy she really is. You hide behind dark clothes and long jumpers. You put on a lot of that eyeliner stuff to distract people from who you are. ”
She gulped. “And what if I don’t know who I am?”
“I think you do, but you don’t have the confidence to be it. ”
I’d had enough alcohol to tell me that hitting on a mate’s sister was a good idea. “You’re beautiful and smart and funny and there’s a handful of guys in here that would love to chat you up right now. You know if you didn’t look a bit scary drinking alone like you’re plotting ex revenge. ”
“Huh?”
“Trust me, when you down shots like that and scowl at nothing you look like a woman scorned. ”
She pushed an empty shot glass away and blushed. “Oh. ”
“Hey, don’t worry about it. I happen to think the scorned look is hot. ”
“Of course you do,” she muttered dryly. “But thank you for what you said. It was sweet. Sort of. ”
I meant it. There was something about Holly that drew you in. Her adult innocence was refreshing and a big turn on.
She hopped down off her stool and stood between my legs. “What are you doing?” I asked, stunned.
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Her eyes widened, and she shook her head. “Nothing. I need the toilet. ” Ducking around me, she hightailed it to the bathroom.
What was that? Did she want me as much as I wanted her right now?
“Can I get you something?” the bartender asked.
“Two shots of tequila, a beer and a…” I picked up Holly’s other empty glass and smelt it, “vodka and lemonade please. ”
He nodded. “Coming up. ”
Holly got back to the bar just as I paid. Her cheeks were the same pink as when she left. “Do a shot with me, then we’ll have a drink. Then I’m taking you back to my flat. ”
Her eyebrows shot up in surprise. “Excuse me?”
“Holly, babe, you want this, but you’re not confident enough – yet – to make the first move. If I’m wrong, tell me and after we’ve have a drink, I’ll make sure you get home safely. ” She looked down; avoiding my gaze and that told me I was right. “You don’t have to be embarrassed to admit you want something or someone. We’re adults. You can tell me. ”
Biting her lip, she sat on the stool and picked up a shot. “I want you,” she whispered and downed the tequila.
I cupped her chin and lifted her head. “No more being shy. You can tell me whatever you want. Whatever you want me to do. ”
Her breath sucked in through her teeth. “What do you want to do to me?”
I smiled and downed my shot. “Come on. ” Taking her hand, I pulled her off the stool. She stepped into my chest, looking up at me through her lashes. The way she looked at me made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up.
“Are we really doing this?” she asked, pressing her petite body to mine.
I pulled her closer, running my hands up her back. “Only if you want to. Say the word at any point and I’ll take you home. No pressure, I swear. ”
“I know. I trust you. Take me to your place, Jasper. ”
I fisted her hair, slamming my lips down on hers as my blood sizzled in my veins. She whimpered, her fingernails digging into my flesh. I wanted her, badly. I pulled away and pressed my forehead to hers. “God. How can you think your plain, Holly?”
She shrugged.
“I’m taking you home now. I want you more than I want to breathe right now which I know sounds crazy, but that’s the effect you have on me,” I said, running my hand up her back, “so when we walk through my door there’s no hiding or being shy. I want to see all of you. There’s no limit to what we can do in the bedroom. Ask for whatever you want and don’t hold back. You got that?”
Gulping, she nodded. “I’ve never told anyone what I want before. ”
“I know. Tonight you will. ” I sealed my lips over hers, holding her body against mine as the urge to just take her against the fucking bar doubled.
We burst through my front door, attacking each other like animals. What I’d said to her in the bar seemed to work. I wanted her comfortable with me, and I wanted her to be open enough to let me make her come over and over again.
“What do you want me to do, Holly?” I murmured against her mouth.
“My clothes, take them off. ”
I didn’t need asking twice. With my lips still firmly, almost aggressively, against hers, I reached down and pulled her top off. She kissed me again as soon as it had cleared her head. I gripped her firm arse, and she wrapped her legs around my waist as I carried her to the sofa.
Laying her down first, I stripped her leggings off and undressed myself. She looked up at me with wide eyes, breathing heavily. In a matching plain black bra and thong she looked perfect and sexy. It was hard to believe she had such little confidence.
My clothes dropped to the floor the same way hers had. “What now, Holly?”
“You choose. ”
I shook my head and dropped to my knees, running my finger between her bra-covered breasts and down her belly. “Oh no. This is what you want. We’ll go with my choice next. ”
Her eyes widened further. “Next. ”
“There’s going to be a lot of nexts tonight. ” I traced my finger along the top of her thong, and my throat went dry. I wanted her so much. Waiting for her to tell me to touch her properly, to lick her and to fuck her was painful. “Tell me what you want right now?”
“Okay,” she whispered. “I want you to kiss me and…”
I smirked when her cheeks turned fire engine red. “And?”
“You’re going to make me say it, aren’t you?”
I nodded, lips parting in anticipation. “Yes,” I replied, completely unembarrassed by how desperate for her I sounded. Why her?
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“I want you to touch me. ” She pointed to her thong. “Here. ”
“Your wish…” I said, gently sliding her thong down. She lifted her hips to help me. I threw them over my shoulder and climbed on top of her, lips finding hers and hands exploring.
Chapter Fourteen
I ran my fingers through my hair and rubbed my exhausted eyes awake before opening the front door. I’d half hoped it was Holly. Since Thursday night, Friday morning and Saturday afternoon all I could think about was how her skin felt against mine, and how she tasted…
But it wasn’t the woman I most wanted it to be – it was the last.
Abby stood in front of me. I looked and felt like crap.
“Whadda you want?” I asked, inwardly wincing at the slur in my tired, still half-drunk voice.
“Jasper, are you okay?” She stepped in my flat to get a closer look. “Did you sleep at all last night?”
“A bit. Did you come here to discuss my sleeping habits or do you want something?”
“Please don’t be like that, Jasper, I’m worried. ”
“What do you want, Abby?” I asked a little more harshly than I’d intended, but I was tired on the verge of a hangover if I didn’t start drinking again and she was the second last person in the world I wanted to see.
“Can we sit? I really need to talk to you about something. ”
Smiling sarcastically, I waved my hand towards my living room. The coffee table was covered in plates, glasses and bottles, but I didn’t care what she thought of me anymore .
She ignored the mess
and sat down.
“Please sit with me,” she said, looking up at me.
I rolled my eyes and sat. “This’d better be good. You’re keeping me from something important. ”
“Like getting drunk?”
“Yep. ” And calling one of the women on my new booty call list.
“Jasper, this isn’t you. You don’t drink things away. ”
“You don’t sleep with co-workers, but people change. ”
She dropped her eyes, and I sighed, running my hands over my face roughly.
“Just spit it out, Abby, please. ”
“I’m pregnant. ” I froze. Time stood still.
“Pregnant,” I whispered, and all the air left my lungs.
She nodded. “Yes. ”
“Mine?”
“Of course!” She looked offended, and I laughed. “Don’t, Jasper. Brett and I used a condom. We stopped using them years ago. ”
“Jesus! How?”
I ran my hands through my hair. No. Not now.
“I know you don’t need me to explain how. ”
“Actually, I do. We haven’t slept together in a while. ”
“I know things had been off towards the… end. I’ve calculated that I’m about eight weeks. ”
Wow, she was pregnant for over two months, and we didn’t know. While she was telling me she wanted to put baby making on hold while she was sleeping with someone else, she was carrying my child.
This was so fucked up.
In seven months, we were going to have a child, and it couldn’t be at a worse time. I could barely look at Abby, and every time I did her betrayal slammed me in the face. It hurt. I wanted to be able to see her without feeling like shit and having a baby was only going to make that worse. We’d have to have regular contact. She was the mother of my child and no matter how much she hurt me that meant something.
How was I supposed to stop loving her now?
“Look, I understand that this isn’t the best timing, and we have a lot of things to get past but we can. This is us, Jasper. ”
She had a tiny, innocent baby growing inside her, and I couldn’t let my son or daughter down. For the baby’s sake, I would be civil.
“Okay. How is this going to work then? Have you seen a midwife yet?”
Shit.
“Yes, I had my first visit today. She’s booking me in for a scan because I’m not sure exactly how far along I am. ”
One of the last times we slept together we’d created another person. God I wished it could be under different circumstances because all I wanted was my wife and a child. Now I was looking at joint custody and passing the baby back and forth.