No.
“Yeah. ”
“They’ll understand, you know. ”
“I know, but it’s Miles’ night. If Mum starts fussing, I’m out of there. ”
Miles had just landed a promotion that he’d been working towards for the last year. The old office manager finally retired, and he was sure he wouldn’t be picked, but he was, so we were celebrating.
“Plus someone has to eat some of the cocktail sausages and stop Everleigh from devouring them all,” I added.
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The kid must have eaten about a thousand pigs all herself in her three years.
“I’ll race you to eat them all up, Uncle Jasper!”
“No, you won’t,” Oakley said quickly. “You’ll be sick. ”
Everleigh pouted and stomped towards the door where Cole was now holding her shoes up.
“We can leave at any point if you want to. ”
“Thanks, but I’ll be fine. ”
She watched me for a minute, trying to decide if I was fine or not. I wasn’t, but I returned her stare, trying to look like I didn’t just want to drown my sorrows away in the closest bottle I could find.
Mum opened the door, and after being attacked in a big hug with Everleigh, she moved on to me.
“Oh, sweetheart,” she murmured against my shoulder. “I’m so sorry this happened to you. Are you okay?”
I pulled back and with every ounce of energy I could muster, I smiled.
“Sure. Let’s not talk about it today though. This is about Miles. Where is he?”
“Just finishing up his new recipe canapés. ”
Everleigh ran through to the kitchen shouting, “Grandad, did you make my cocktail sausages?”
“Cool. I’m hungry. ” I sidestepped Mum and headed to the kitchen to talk to Miles. He wouldn’t mention Abby, so I knew I was safe in his company.
“Jasper,” Miles said, balancing Everleigh in his arm and putting what looked like sick on top of tiny little toast. “How’s it going?”
I nodded. “Not bad. ” He knew the truth, but unless you came to him he wouldn’t pry. I liked that about him. “You?”
“Good. Want to be guinea pig and try these?” He nodded to his canapés.
“Err, what’s on it?”
“Spicy meatballs. ”
“Alright, not what I expected. ”
“Your mum loved it on pizza, so I thought I’d try something different to salmon. ”
At least if I got food poisoning it’d take my mind off my wife.
“Sure, I’ll give it a go. ”
Just as I was about to eat one, I heard the door opening and Oakley saying something I couldn’t make out.
“He doesn’t want to see you,” Mum said, and I knew it was Abby.
“Please, Sarah. ”
Miles, Everleigh and I walked into the living room.
“Let her in, Mum,” I said. “This should be interesting. ”
In the background, I heard Miles say he was taking Everleigh outside to play on the swing. I didn’t plan on causing a big scene, but she definitely didn’t need to be around this.
“I’m sorry to interrupt your evening,” she said, stepping past Mum, who was shooting daggers at her with her eyes, “but you won’t answer my calls or texts. ”
“Because I don’t want to talk to you. ”
I felt like shit, and I looked like shit. Whenever I saw her or thought about her, I felt ten times worse. Why the hell would I want to take her calls? I wanted her to leave me alone so I could try and forget about how much I missed her and how much she ripped my heart open.
“Mum. Kitchen!” Oakley said, ushering everyone out of the way. At least one of them respected my privacy. . .
“Jasper, we have to talk about this. I can’t apologise enough, and I’m not going to give up on us. You’re angry, and I understand that. I’m angry with myself too. I can’t believe I was so stupid. We can work this out. Our marriage deserves a second chance. ”
What? I gritted my teeth, and willed myself not to cry like a baby. “You cheated before. This was the second chance. ”
“We were merely kids before. ”
“Such a fucking copout! Don’t pretend it was okay before because we were young. I managed to keep it in my pants. If you wanted to see other people you could’ve ended it with me. ”
“Oh my God, I’m sorry, Jasper! Are you really going to give up before we’ve even tried?”
I held my hands up and clenched my fists. Turning around, I grabbed the closest thing to me – the plate of cocktail sausages – and launched them across the room.
Abby gasped, and my eyes widened. They flew across the room, pelting to the floor, in the fireplace, up the wall and behind the radiator like a sausage rainfall.
Grease stained the feature wallpaper on the chimney breast.
“Jasper!” Abby said, her voice a squeaked whisper.
“Get out. I can’t do this, Abby. I love you so much, and I want nothing more than to go back to how it was, but I’ve lost all respect for you. If you care about me at all, you’ll leave me alone. ”
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She gulped audibly. “Don’t do this. ”
“I didn’t. We’re over, Abby,” I replied and walked into the kitchen.
She didn’t follow, and I heard the front door close seconds later.
My family were lined up along the counter, waiting.
“How did it go, honey?” Mum asked, stepping forward to give me a hug.
“Like you weren’t listening. ”
She squeezed me tight. “Are you okay?”
“Sure. I don’t want to talk about it though. Can we please forget she came by?”
Mum pulled back. “Absolutely. Whatever you need, and whenever you want to talk…”
I nodded. I wouldn’t go to her. She’d had enough shit to deal with, and I didn’t want to lay any more problems on her shoulders.
“I need a drink,” I said.
Cole handed me a bottle of Jack Daniels.
I heard two things a second apart, Mum shouting, “Jasper, what on earth happened in my living room!” and Everleigh screaming, “My cocktail sausages!”
I winced.
“What did you do?” Oakley asked.
“I threw the platter of sausages. ”
She pursed her lips. “Because?”
“I was pissed off. ”
“I’ll help Mum clean up. You relax and get a drink. ”
I did just that.
Chapter Twelve
Sighing into my coffee, I looked down at Everleigh. At least she was one girl that would never screw me over. My eyes stung from the three hours sleep I’d had last night. Every time I closed my eyes I saw Max’s face staring back at me. Abby’s betrayal reminded me of his. I wished it was her face I saw.
“Uncle Jasper, why are you sad?” she asked, looking up at me with her big baby blue eyes.
“That’s what happens when uncles find out their wives are cheating hos. ”
“Auntie Abby’s a cheating hos?” My eyes flew open. Shit! “What’s a hos?”
Damn it, I’m a fucking idiot!
“Err, home. I said Abby’s at home. ”
She frowned and bit her lip, trying to understand. I don’t want you to understand!
“It doesn’t matter. Why don’t you eat your sausages up and I’ll let you have ice cream. ”
“Okay,” she replied and popped a cocktail sausage in her mouth. “Uncle Jasper?”
“Yeah?”
“Can we go see Mummy?”
“Yeah. Hurry up and finish that then. ” She grinned and quickly shovelled more in her mouth.
Oakley worked at The Centre three days a week, and I worked there Monday to Thursday and Saturday mornings. On a Friday, I had Everleigh while Oakley worked one of her days. Th
ey would never trust their daughter with anyone other than Cole’s parents, Mum and Miles, me and Abby, and Mia.
“Everleigh, don’t ever take anyone back that betrays you. ”
She frowned again, deeper, but replied, “Okay, Uncle Jasper. ”
I loved how she just responded as if she had a clue what I was going on about.
“Are you and Auntie Abby still loving each other?”
I gulped down sand. “Yes, but sometimes it just doesn’t work out. It’s okay because Uncle Jasper and Auntie Abby will be happy again – just not together. ”
I wanted to exclude myself from that. I didn’t want a life and happiness with someone, anyone else but I didn’t want to tell Everleigh that. She still deserved to believe in happy-ever-after.
“So you won’t be married anymore?”
“No, sweetheart. We’re going to get a divorce and not be married. ”
“Oh. Who will you marry now?”
I laughed at her thinking. As if every grown up had to be married.
“No one for a little while. ”
She bit her lip, trying to make sense of what I’d told her.
“It’s okay. I’m happy hanging out with you for now. ”
“I’ll help you find a new princess, Uncle Jasper. ”
I ruffled her hair, earning a breath-taking smile.
“Thanks, kiddo. Hey, what do you want to do after we go see Mummy?” I asked her, draining the last of my coffee.
“Um. ” She sucked her lips in as she thought. “Disneyland!”
“We’ll need more time than just today for that. ”
“Um,” she hummed, thinking again. “I don’t know. What do you want to do, Uncle Jasper?”
“Egg my house. ” Abby’s house. My old house. Not ours anymore . I sighed and clenched my fists. She was living there until it sold. I wanted it gone as soon as possible, so I had no link to her at all. The divorce couldn’t come soon enough. I needed to move on, but all this house stuff, dividing shit up, and the legal end of our marriage was making that impossible.
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“What’s that? Egging?”
“It’s when you throw eggs at someone’s house. Probably not the best thing to teach you though. ”
Everleigh burst into a fit of giggles. “I want to do that,” she announced and laughed again.
“Alright. We will. ” Bad idea. Bad, bad idea. “Come on. ”
I got up and held her hands as she jumped down from the stool. She gripped my hand in her own tiny one as we walked to my car.
“When we do this you have to throw and then run really fast, okay?”
Why am I doing this? Because I was hurt and angry, and I couldn’t get drunk when I had Everleigh, so something childish and petty seemed like the next best thing.
She nodded her head rather enthusiastically, her hair flying all over the place.
“I can run faster than Daddy,” she boasted, her eyes widening in pride. Because Daddy lets you win.
“Wow, that is fast!” She grinned, proud of herself. “Now, we’re not allowed to tell Mummy or Daddy that we’ve egged the house, alright?”
“I know. ” She would tell them; she could never keep anything in. I was thankful for that even though it got me into a lot of trouble. “Uncle Jasper?”
“Yeah?”
“Do you still love Auntie Abby?”
I felt like someone had stabbed me through the chest. “Yeah, I do. ”
“But she’s a hos now. ”
Fuck.
“Are you going to marry someone else soon?” she asked, still not grasping the fact that you didn’t have to be married.
“No. I’m done with relationships now. From now on I’m gonna do whatever I want. ”
“Oh,” she replied, frowning in confusion again. “Mummy and Daddy got married, didn’t they?”
“Yep, but they’ll last forever. ”
“Like Cinderella and Prince Charming?”
“Exactly like them,” I confirmed, and opened the car to put her in her seat. She sat down and held her arms up while I buckled her in. “Right, let’s go egging, then to see Mummy. ”
Everleigh swung her legs, hitting them against the seat. “Yeah!”
“This is naughty, isn’t it?” Everleigh asked as we stood in front of my house holding two eggs each.
“It’s an okay naughty. This is my house, isn’t it?”
She nodded.
“And I want to throw eggs at it so we can. ” I then realised I’d pretty much given her permission to do whatever the hell she wanted with her own things. “But only adults are allowed to do things like this. ”
“Why?”
“Because we’re bigger and we pay for it. ”
“Oh,” she replied and nodded as if it was perfectly acceptable.
“Are you ready?”
“Yeah!” she cheered.
“Alright. On three. ”
“One,” she said. “Two. Three!”
We both launched our eggs at the house. Mine hit the front door and cracked. Runny, sticky egg dribbled down the blue painted wood. Everleigh’s hit the plant pot beside the door and the stone path. Both cracked, creating a mess, so I was satisfied with that.
She giggled. “That was fun. ”
“Yeah it was. ” I didn’t feel that much better, probably because I wasn’t fifteen anymore but Abby would have to clean it up, so that gave me something. “Now we run,” I said and grabbed her little hand.
Her deep giggles made me laugh. Maybe it wasn’t a waste of time after all.
I sat in front of Carol, wondering what the hell I was doing here.
“Jasper, what brings you here?”
Thank God she’d said something. We’d been sitting in silence since I walked in, five minutes ago.
“I don’t know. My marriage is over. ”
Her perfectly plucked but too thin brows arched. “Oh? Why is that?”
“Because she was sleeping with a guy from work. ” I shook my head. “I knew it too. There was something off. She was distant and kept meeting this Brett for ‘work’ related reasons. I’m so stupid; I wanted to believe her. ”
“That doesn’t make you stupid. Nobody wants to believe the worst in someone they love. ”
I still felt like an idiot.
“I don’t really know what to say in here,” I admitted.
“Sometimes just talking helps. I don’t have the miracle cure that’ll fix every problem you’ve ever had. You’re the only person that can change your life.
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“No miracle cure, huh?”
“I’m afraid that doesn’t exist. Unless you put the work in and deal with your problems, everything else you try is just masking it. ”
I felt like she was saying ‘so don’t think a baby will be what fixes everything’. I wasn’t that stupid; I knew babies were huge amounts of stress, work and worry bundled into a tiny little person.
“I was so close to getting everything I’ve wanted, and now…” I closed my eyes. “Now I’ve got nothing. ”
“When did you know you wanted a family?”
Weird question. Where was she going with this? “When we moved back to England. ”
When Oakley spoke out about the abuse when she was sixteen, me and Mum took her away to Australia to live with our uncle. We’d returned four years later when the long, complicated court case started. Max got locked away, as did many others in the paedophile ring, including the bastard that abused Oakley. When it was over we returned to Australia briefly to pack up our things so we could move back.
“After your father’s court case. ”
“Yeah. You still think I only want that because I missed out, don’t you?”
“I think that you started wanting a family the way most people do. I think you’ve put everything into it because the idea of a wife and chi
ldren filled something you’ve missed out on. ” She sat forward in her chair. “When you think of your childhood, what comes to mind?”
“That it was one big fat lie. Everything I thought I had wasn’t real. ”
“One part of it wasn’t. The good memories you have did happen. Oakley’s spoken about this a few times before. From the age of five, she knew your father was someone else, but he didn’t stop being the person he was to you until you were in your late teens. ”
“You don’t think I feel guilty about that?”
“I understand that, but you have nothing to feel guilty about, you didn’t know. You’re allowed to have good memories of him. Oakley does. ”
“He fucked all that. ”
She shook her head. “I don’t believe that. ”
I shrugged. “You don’t have to. ”
“What is your earliest memory of your father?”
“I remember him dressing up as Father Christmas. I must’ve only been three and Oakley was a baby, walking along furniture, I used to help hold her hands sometimes. ”
Carol smiled. “You know you divert back to Oakley a lot. ”
I did?
“She does the same thing. It always comes back to you and your mum. She worries how you’re doing the most. ”
“Because she doesn’t feel like I’ve dealt with it,” I said.
“That’s correct. Do you feel like you’ve dealt with it?”
“I dunno. I’m not sure how. ”
“So your father dressed up for Christmas?”
Going back. “Yeah. He did a crap job of masking his voice; I knew it was him straight away. I was so excited when he walked through the door though. He had a sack with a helicopter for me and a teddy bear for Oakley. She chewed on its ear, and I broke the propeller of mine after five minutes. Dad glued it back, but it was slightly bent. ”
“It sounds like you had a good childhood. ”
“I thought I did. ”
She said nothing else but I could tell she wanted to say that I had because I still had good memories. They may be good, but they were ruined. The bad far outweighed the good.
“I got a flat,” I said, trying to direct the conversation away from Max.
“That’s good. ”
“Yeah a mate is letting me crash in the place he’s doing up to rent. I’ve got two months to find somewhere else in exchange for painting the place and putting new coving up. ”
“You seem happier now. You didn’t like staying at Oakley’s?”
“It’s not that. I feel better that I’m not drifting now, you know? It’s not home, and I won’t get that until my place is sold and I can buy another house but it’s a start. I felt like a loser for believing I had a future with Abby and an even bigger one for crashing at my sister’s. ”