Handy Sayings
‘So nice to meet you like this.’
‘Like this’ is the simple additive that turns an expression into something quite electrically charming and it can be equally delightful to reply.
‘I’m glad you said that.’
In riposte to any double meaning naughty suggestion, ‘I beg your pardon’ should be used. ‘I beg your pudding’ is the jocular form.
In showing enthusiasm or shock, have ready rejoinders gradually waxing in crescendo. Gosh. Holy cow. Gee winikers. Land sakes alive. And for ladies confronted by a deliberately exposed outsized engorged gentleman’s appendage from which she is not yet sure she wants to run.
‘O my god.’
Upon the Proper Haughty Posture for the Delivery of Insult
Rock slowly back and forth on your best leather heels. Keep the upper lip stiff. With the tongue however darting between the lips in the reptilian manner. This rapid moistening of the exterior of the mouth is essential. The eye blink should be given at three to the second at intervals of four seconds. Labial roticism characterized by the defective pronunciation of r in sounding words, should be used especially when pontificating. Hold the head slightly back, the chin up and forward. Remember the recessiveness of the lower jaw was bred for this purpose.
In Extra Ordinary Pukka Conversation
While looking over the speaker’s left or right shoulder either at the room’s decorations or new arrivals, the repetitive nasal yes should be employed when listening to comments from another and should interpose his conversation at an interval of every five words except where he is approaching the end of making a point when the interval should be dropped to every three words. The word ‘quite’ followed by Uhmnnnn should be employed in an easy leisurely manner at an interval of every seven words when your phony smile should briefly alight and erase on your face.
Verbal Invitations
In order that these not be accepted too eagerly the brow should instantly be creased in doubt. When the invitation is further pressed, then the blue appointment book is withdrawn and paged through till the appropriate date is reached. A long pause should follow using the word Uhmnnnn and the inviter should then be asked to repeat the details of his invitation. Then purse the lips and in a loud forceful manner announce.
‘Yes, by George, I think I may just be able to do it. If I push.’
However, if while you commence pushing, your inviter should lose patience and his temper and riposte.
‘Look you god damn tight assed son of a bitch, you can stuff that appointment book up your hole.’
In haughty manner one may reply.
‘I beg your pardon but are you addressing me.’
‘You bet your god damn life I am. You stuffed shirt, you.’
To reassert your posture of aloof dignity and also to get another chance of being reinvited do not hint that your adversary’s background may not be of the best but reply.
‘Dear me you are in a tizzy, aren’t you.’
Trembling Your Lid before Flipping It
This gives folk a courteous chance to get the god damn hell out of your way.
Handshaking
This courtesy provides a handy connection and sublimates the outright grabbing of each other so that folk upon being introduced can get a chance to form their strategies on how to make the best use of each other. Your handshake should be firm and brief. If held overlong neither of you may wish to be the first to let go.
The tarzan grip comes from the chap who wants but never gets the biggest piece of the pie. The limp handshake can often be taken as a sign of early betrayal while the hard grippers will usually plan to leave the treachery till a little later. In any case the skin has a natural enzyme which is bactericidal, which helps in case you could catch a disease.
Bowing
It is much appreciated by ladies of riper years, and if this is accompanied by a smart clicking of the heels, it rates a smile. In the case of a dazzling younger woman, a slight genuflection of the head will suffice, as it is understood you will bend over plenty later.
Upon Introduction
‘Gee I just can’t recall your name.’
Take this as warning of inescapable grief ahead. Therefore should you be unable to remember a person’s moniker, blurt out.
‘I can’t get over how good you look.’
Folk to whom this is said are only concerned in their disbelief to replying.
‘Really.’
Name Dropping
This is essential to do to let others know whom they might get to know if they get to know you. In order to warm up, bring out your minor names first, slowly increasing their importance till your adversary quakes with the sound of the majors. If you are a big name yourself, you will of course be deprived of dropping it, unless you can momentarily pretend you are someone else who knows you personally.
Gatecrashing
Come well dressed for this heinous social offence. And give folk a chance to like you. If ‘go home’ is openly suggested, smilingly enunciate with your best vowels your willingness to do any little jobs to make the other guests happy. If ‘go home’ is again mooted, be bold enough to come back again. And don’t knock, use an axe. The next time after that you will be let in. But nobody nice will tell you where the party is.
Upon Doing Surreptitious Damage at Your Host’s Party
It goes without saying that your opponent upon whose pastel walls you leave your greasy hand prints, is rich and also well known for hiding his best drink and victuals while shoving at you all the old stale contents from his larder. Which ingredients should, just as they pass your lips, be exploded back out onto the carpet for starters.
Canine befoulment carried liberally on your instep and wiped off somewhere where it shouldn’t be, is a really lousy ill bred dirty stinking trick. Which your host may deserve for his stinginess. But the more serious destructions should be wrought approaching objets d’art backwards with your hands behind you snapping off a leg on all the Tang horses you can find. Beware of bronze specimens of other dynasties, as busting these can lead to your detection. Especially when you grunt, struggle and sweat wielding a hoof off one of these exceptionally strong ancient works of art.
Dancing
Don’t get up and continue to hoof about wildly, unless onlookers are clapping and cheering you on vociferously. Folk have been closeted in strait jackets for less. Always ask old ladies to dance, they enjoy this inordinately. If they happen to be extremely rich old ladies you could finally end up enjoying it.
Should your partner encourage you on when stepping upon her toes, it is then permissible to step on her toes but it is not proper to get caught up in the folds of her dress, trap her foot under yours or trip her on her backside unless she too is learning to dance.
The Telephone
This is an instrument a lot of folk use to pretend to be important. So never, by lifting the receiver up too fast, show the bastards that you are sitting beside the god damn phone all the time waiting for it to ring. If the call is obscene, listen carefully as some of these people exhibit really impressive imaginations with their dirty suggestions. In making a call don’t say who you are until people get curious thereby providing a little passing entertainment in this soulless method of communication. Always talk on your phone as if it were being bugged and try once in a while to be amusing. This is always appreciated by those who have to spend long hours eavesdropping, taping all the boring things you have to say.
Receiving Letters
Having mail delivered to some address other than at the one where you live can give post a chance to accumulate before you collect it, thereby improving the chance of getting some good news with all the bad. After some preliminary scrutiny to assure that it contains no letter bomb, use a letter opener in case your hysterical fingers tear up a cheque inside made out in your favour.
Feeling bumps running your fingernail over your opponent’s letterhead will indicate if it is engraved. This does not a
lways mean that he is big time. But does mean he’s concerned with the world’s first impression of him and has spent money for expensive printing. In which case if he’s looking for investment backing don’t give him money to do any more.
The nasty letter should not be replied to. But if someone’s intelligent insult has you really boiling out of your mind with rage it is permitted to write.
Sir,
Shame shame shame and so sad for you to still be so shabby.
Letter Writing
Following the exercise of expressing yourself on paper to another there can always come the time that the words so said can be unpleasantly held against you. Therefore be careful putting your libellous thoughts of another into print unless you say you heartily believe them to be untrue.
Upon Writing the Annual Mimeographed Dear Friends Letter
Aside from pointing out your grossly pompous smugness, the form letter also makes you really appear like a publicized asshole. But since such overdone conceits abound, the following is a permissible example in unexpurgated form.
Dear Friends,
It seems such a long time since I last wrote to you. The year has flown by and boy has it been full of nightmarish days for us. January started off with some lousy creep on Bill’s staff trying to get him fired (which Bill was in June). This house we bought, thinking we were going to live it up and lord it over the numbskull neighbours awhile, is really for the birds. The lawn sprinkler couldn’t sprinkle the tip of my arse. And while on that subject just let me say that my figure is shot to hell since John John. Bill used to say he liked a little tit droop but the way his eyes keep busting out of his head over the local drum majorettes, I know this is hogwash. It takes a double feature showing now of an oral suck sequence and mixed combo daisy chain for him to get it up and it’s down for good soon as we get home. We went to the big championship football game and Bill’s firm were supposed to pay for everything but our reservations got lost and we had to spend a week in a crappy dump and now even have to pay the bill after Bill got fired. And as if this wasn’t enough, when we got home we found sewerage leaking into the swimming pool. Although fall means football, Bill has had to spend all his free time trying to get spare parts off the derelict cars on the highway. This supplied the year’s only real highlight when Bill found a brand new chrome hub cap that fitted our car. But even that victory was dashed a week later when some cop stole it as we parked a second to look at a scenic sight. Then our patio we built when we moved in, is now sinking and cracking up with something like quicksand or something worse underneath it (venomous snakes used to live on this site before it was reclaimed). This blow finally rendered Bill impotent even when I try to relieve his anxiety with a hand job at the local porno flick. Our New Year’s resolution is to find out who the hell our real friends are. Please don’t plan on visiting us this year. But we hope that you have a very happy holiday and a really prosperous New Year. If my figure was better I’d try to sell ass out of the motel down the highway, I swear it. Instead, I’ve taken up meditation and masturbation. And Bill is studying Eastern philosophy to see if it will help him get a hard on. It doesn’t.
Fondly,
Bill, Barbara, Carol, John John.
Upon Replying to an Unexpurgated Form Letter
Dear Bill and Barbara,
I really laughed like hell when I got your letter this year. I know it sounds terrible but it really made me feel good. I mean you and Bill, if you don’t mind me telling you, were always a couple of prize jerks. As you know I was thrown out of high school and when I see a couple of big time college grads like you getting a few slams up the whammo scalammo, it don’t half make me feel there’s a future for all of us yet. Watch out for them snakes, they like to come back to their old haunts at night. And by the way, why don’t you try a mixed racial gang bang for senior citizens, some of them fusty old cats really have a few new fangled novelties up their senile sleeves. And further by the way, while you’re at your form letters, why don’t you both show a little humility once in a while, all you ever talk about is yourselves. I’d really like to see you libel someone in one of those damn things and then get the shit sued out of you. Also by the way, although this looks like a personal letter I am having copies of it sent to everyone we mutually know, maybe they might know some remedy that could wise you up.
Fondly,
Your form letter friend.
PS The local movie house suck show has every housewife in town gasping.
PSS I’m also returning enclosed prints of the nudie photos of you and Bill which I feel must have been mistakenly sent. You’re damn right, Bill does look deader than a doornail.
Christmas
In addition to the hurtful beastliness of folk sending you cheap christmas cards or returning yours you sent them last Christmas, this is the most vulgar and vicious time of the year for any true lover of the human spirit. And when you are forced to arise on this morning to witness all the god damn money spent on all the crap that lies around gift wrapped under the tree, control yourself. Have a nip of port or sherry as you sit there glum in your dressing gown. As this will be a time of family squabbles and recriminations. When insults stored up all year are unleashed. It is also when litigations are launched to catch the unwary bastard stupidly counting his blessings.
Servants
Since it is now especially tough to find suitable aristocracy, these devoted and biddable people are dying out. And are being replaced by a lot of layabouts who throw up their feet with a six pack to watch colour television in your panelled library, that is if they’re not using the pool, sauna or billiard room. Nevertheless it is still unbecoming for the master of a household to be peeved upon staff taking the cream off the milk or nipping the filet mignon out of the steak. And such a sorry state of affairs has come about from employers whose own moral fibre is no better and who do not know how to keep servants honest, happy, loyal and proud to serve.
On Being a Good Butler
You will, of course, upon a visiting Colonel being served his drink and being made to feel thoroughly at home, be able to discreetly recall, after begging sir’s pardon, the time when the Colonel gave the order to his troops out in wogland to unscabbard their swords in such a manner that the sunshine threw a blinding glint upon a mob becoming unruly and riotous and who were with that dazzling tactic quelled.
Remember your master often is a busy man. Avoid giving him botherations. Keep in mind that his success and welfare is yours. Be sure his socks and linens are kept suitably pine scented in their mahogany drawers. That the whisky is at his bedside, shoe horn by his shoes, toothbrush by his toothpaste and his newspaper crisp and freshly ironed. Do not abuse your trust in the wine cellar. However, to keep your hand in and your palate up to scratch it is permissible now and again in your own chambers to light up one of the better cigars accompanied by one of your master’s ready to drink vintage ports.
The pantry is the nerve centre of your household. From here proceed elsewhere with a quiet military manner. As the senior in staff, keep those below stairs where rumours and gossip abound, in their place. Never be unpredictable. Keep to prescribed routines. And never, unless summoned, confront the master in the music room, conservatory, library or where he may be earnestly engrossed in a hobby. Especially never divulge details learned of your master’s personal oddments, unless fired without reasonable cause. Then exposure in the right magazine or newspaper at the right price is permissible. The auction is the method which gets the best price. Remember there are volume rights, and serial rights. And thank god, for your master’s sake, rarely film rights.
Upon the Conduct of Business Negotiations
At the end of it all someone is going to be left holding the bag. Therefore in buying and selling, couch your position carefully in words which may, when a lot more words are put together, say a lot of things to your future advantage as well as provide someone with assets to go after when things go wrong. Especially if you’ve sold your two favourite pigs for a
new wife.
Never assume that people know you are tough. Even when they think your reasonableness is only an attempt to momentarily appear really endearing. Although shouting, stamping your feet and banging the table with your fist makes others uncomfortable at business transactions, it is necessary to demonstrate that your usual easy friendly manner can be instantly and without warning exhausted. Always have ready at your fingertips the following ominously growled statements.
‘I’m not going to put my neck out on a limb for anybody.’
And when ratting would appear to be on the horizon.
‘And no god damn son of a bitch is going to get away with a thing like that.’
Your position in any deal descends as follows.
The Lion’s share
A Lion’s share
A Mouse’s share
The Mouse’s share
Upon Being Interviewed
If photographs are being taken as well, use one of your better reception rooms and dress in your medieval armour with cross bow if this little flourish bespeaks your present image. Remember the public want to know as much as is intimately possible about you even to having a peek under your steel cod piece. Therefore beware instantly of the interviewing fucker who starts telling you about his or her life while using up your valuable time. Drum your fingers rapidly and loudly on some drum like hollowness near at hand. If this does not make them reach for their note pad to take down your profound remarks but they keep bending your ear. Firmly say.