‘Shut up.’
Upon Hiring a Secretary
Never mind the typing, shorthand and assuming of responsibilities, see if they can lift half a hundred weight two handed over their heads. Next look for a pleasant strong leg. These latter are best tested by checking their speed running over a two hundred and twenty yard distance in under thirty seconds flat. You never know when you may have to vacate somewhere fast with your files.
Duties as a Citizen
Remember some people are not as good citizens as others. The common good eludes them completely and most of their daily lives are orientated in the abysmal direction set by their financial advisers for their own comfort and well being. You will recognize many of these chaps in any mirror. And the least you can do is present yourself as a cheerful chap on the pavement each morning and assist the elderly. Plus remain good humoured when they think you’re assaulting them.
Vacating Your Seat on Public Transport
Choose a lady of riper years. A smile and a nod is all that is necessary. She will adore this chivalry. Of course when a sly fucker makes a rush and gets his arse right into the space you have just left, you are obliged not only to pin his ears back but to send his bicuspids scattering from his wretched insolent skull. Meanwhile your lady will of course implore you that it doesn’t matter all this fuss, that she will gladly stand. For the sake of other passengers’ comfort seize this opportunity, especially if the guy is big, to announce. Just before you get off.
‘Louts like that make the world lousy for the rest of us.’
Upon Glances at Ladies
If you are in attendance at a dinner party where the seemingly brainless ladies’ tits are pouring out of their dresses, keep calm. There will be lots of opportunities between soup and pudding to stare. Meanwhile channel such feverish inclinations as you may have into animated clever ripostes which will provoke laughter and giggles. This should not only make the ladies’ items you are perusing shake, but your eyes goggle without compare.
In public the fleeting glance is called for. Or the frequently darting glance if the lady is really something to look at. However, if you can’t help the lingering glance and it continues unreasonably, cover your eyes with your hands. Ladies who are beautiful know it. And although they like to be reminded of this, it will please them even more to see you fall off your seat dizzied by your darkness, or if perambulating, walk smack bang into some obstruction. Which always saves them giving you a sock on the jaw.
How to Prevent People from Detesting You
Don’t try.
Calling Cards
Upon leaving and bending your calling card, it could, but does not mean I’ll break your god damn ass for you. It instead informs those upon whom you have called who do not happen to be at home that you are going away and will not be immediately available and also, that meanwhile, you fervently believe you both move in the same social circle.
Living in Your Own Little Enclosed World of Privilege and Liking It a Whole Bunch
Chuckle generously when observing those who don’t but watch out even more.
On Taking Free Reads of Newspaper Headlines
This habit is thoroughly disliked by newsvendors and may be defended by the phrase.
‘It’s a free country.’
Should the vendor get further angered, add.
‘And it’s people like you who are making headlines what they are today.’
Upon Fouling the Footpath
What people say about your dog they are saying about you, therefore be ready for a thorough defilement when someone treads in your dog’s fresh leavings and when backing away to have a good shout at you, stamps hysterically in even more.
It is permissible when strolling, if a strange doggy comes up and lifts a leg on your latest style newly dry cleaned trousers, to wait till you catch this damn mutt alone and in order that the owner doesn’t hear the terrified yelps of agonized canine pain while you kick it in the ribs, hold its mouth closed.
Upon Ordering Kit
Into the shop enter. Deliver the operative word by opening the mouth and hesitating. Then in a higher pitched tone than you ordinarily use, state in a commanding voice, hat, gun, shirt, cane, whip, binocs, et cetera. The assistant will ask the necessary qualifying descriptions, such as top, shot, evening and so on. And in the case of the whip, inquire sadism or masochism, and concerning binocs, racing or peeping tom. Come clean if you are a novice by stating so to the attendant.
‘I am a novice.’
The assistant will then supply the necessary fortifying conversation like well sir, there is a first time for everything. A little knowing chuckle from you both will make this pleasantly risqué. Should the unexpected happen and the attendant haughtily view you down his nose, stand silently and still. Let the hurt sink in till globules of tears descend the cheeks. Then in lowered voice inform.
‘How could you be so cruel to make me go through all the wretched take over bids I must make to control this store and fire you, you wretched fucker you.’
Upon Robbing a Bank
Although this is among the more respectable forms of crime, always try to make clear to yourself if not others that if it weren’t for the world being consistently horrid, resulting in terrible desperation in your own personal life, that you wouldn’t be doing it. In any event do not be overtly rude when requesting the cash. A firm precise voice with a slightly evil smile should be used along with the teller’s Christian name if known. And beware that a lot of your chaps and gals behind counters might want to be heroes by giving the alarm without allowing you a sporting chance. Therefore if you stammer, slip your message across in legible writing.
FREEZE
THIS IS A HOLD UP
And be careful not to leave your name, address and phone number.
If shooting starts courtesies should be instantly suspended. Try to fire over employees’ and customers’ heads. Remember, a ricochet or whistling bullet often can scare more hell out of folk and keep them in order than anything. But when severely outnumbered, surrender. The sympathy the surrounding public will offer as the police escort you away will amaze you. They know that you’ve got worries and that they themselves have often passed the same bank with the same thoughts of robbing it. Should you see someone actually mourning on your behalf, comfort them.
Having Successfully Robbed a Bank
Remember you now have, with your newly acquired assets, responsibilities. Deposit your untraceable unmarked bills in a reputable bank. If you want to have a bit of a fling, do it modestly. Do not overtip nor give your wife or girlfriend cause for jealousy. As she can frequently be a source of betrayal. Do good but modest works in the community. And openly complain that you wish others would do as much.
Philosophy
These are thoughts affecting the long term view which one is forced to get in sudden big troubles which’ come from rain, wind, flood, volcanoes, earthquake, fire and lightning and the people who wouldn’t be human if they weren’t out to get you. And such thinking should come naturally.
Blowing upon Soup
Always do this if it is too hot.
Upon Opening Your Stately Home to the Public
Undertake this begrudgingly and for the money. Since they will want to get a look at and find out all about your most private and intimate things. But by dressing in a suitable manner as a guide and employing further necessary disguises, you can really have a ball spreading the most wonderful rumours about ancestors and yourself.
Upon the Nearby Arrival of a Flying Saucer
Immediately offer the comfort of your toilet facilities and just hope that these foreign bodies can or need to make use of them. Tea can be mentioned later. But give the chaps a chance to debark and get their earth legs before burdening them with a lot of questions. Especially that irritating one concerning are they really real. In answer to which, flying saucer pilots are quite liable to wonder if you are.
Wife Beating
It is chivalrous to use
your least favoured arm keeping your slaps firmly on the jaw. Most wives learn their lessons quickly but in cases of a wife’s protracted intractability your favoured arm may be employed. The trouble with spanking is that many wives may not, after a few samples, regard it as punishment and indeed might incite this form of chastisement. Upon the wife fighting back or protecting herself with a weapon take instant precautions as frequently she means business. And above all don’t remind her that a discharging shot gun at close quarters or piece of heavy glass sculpture landing on your head could make her a widow.
Upon Being to the Manner Born
This is awfully nice, occasioning as it does much fresh country air, wet nurses when necessary and a doting nannie. Your playmates will be found in similar circumstances in other castles across the meadows. Or if you are a sad lonely little boy there will be an abundance of toys. At school your teachers and masters will regard you with certain courtesies and you will rarely be unpleasantly trifled with. As you inherit your father’s fortune, title or both, a path will be laid for you to follow in your ancestors’ previous comfortable footsteps and eccentricities and you will always commit your most unforgivable rudenesses with the most stylish of manners. But early in life you will be told as when to appear in the dining room, or take leave of your elders. And mommie will sometimes talk to you in the nursery after she dresses for dinner. Savour such times.
When Blackballed from a Club to Which You Have Desperately Tried to Gain Admittance
Absolutely refrain from writing letters as follows.
Dear Members,
It is with some relief I learn of my not being accepted as one of you, having upon occasion or two been present in your high ceilinged lounge in that pile of masonry down that dark shadowy whorey street watching some of you self importantly reading high brow magazines while peering over the tops of them to see if anyone ‘Important’ was around. Well I’m not around and if you are the last word in exclusivity, god help us all. Meanwhile you can shove all your marble staircases and brass candelabra which is what you may be doing anyway in those cosy club rooms where you spout your inanities while intoxicating yourselves.
Upon Having Your Picture Taken with Famous People
Get close and throw your arm around your victim’s shoulder and smile. Do this at the very last second before they have a chance to jump away from you.
Hotels
These are at best homes away from home and at worst a lot of other things when they have fucked up the reservations. Stand patiently waiting in silence until the clerk thinks you have accepted the matter with good grace. Then in a slightly raised voice.
‘I fear, my good man, that this will not do. Aside from my lawyers and advisers taking it to the highest court in the land, which we always do as a matter of course, of course, I will also make a scene in this lobby. Should you be so foolish as to call the police, a gentleman waiting outside the building and my body guard presently sitting over there, will inform the international press agencies to get the story out on their wire services immediately. In addition to that, I will make the next fifteen minutes of your life extremely distasteful and miserable. I suggest therefore that you evict the necessary folk from rooms and suites already occupied so that I may take my pick.’
Beware, usually when you get to the end of such a long spiel, the house detectives grab you on both sides from behind.
Upon a Lady Exhibiting a Motion Picture of Her Saucy Antics
Advanced ladies will quite often exhibit themselves privately on screen in action to gathered guests. And gallant gents present should show a suitably enthusiastic response. Otherwise she may keep rerunning her flick all night thinking you missed something really good. Therefore, during her most tumesced moments, murmurings of bully, goodo, my my and hear hear, often early content madam to rest upon her obscene laurels especially at the end when you all stand up with an heart felt ovation of erections.
Upon Encountering Happiness
Be wary at such times since most of life’s blows fall then.
Upon the Untoward in the Pissoir
First, unless serving the public in a personal way, wash your hands before and not after peeing. And then care should be taken in public conveniences not to give offence. Nor to take any. If you have entered a gentlemen’s latrine where the inmates are pulling hell out of their appendages don’t stare unless you intend joining the group. Better to retreat as if you need to make a sudden phone call or if you are desperate to take a pee, stare straight ahead like you were struck dumb. To remarks addressed to you from a nearby puller, the simple phrase.
‘I know that my redeemer liveth.’
Will make him wonder what the fuck you’re talking about when jerking off is the immediate subject at hand.
If you have by genuine mistake entered a female public convenience when you are not clearly garbed for that, be ready to shield your eyes from any sharp corners of swinging ladies’ handbags.
Upon Being Old
It’s not nice but take comfort that you won’t stay that way for ever.
Upon Disappearing
This is the usual method adopted when trying to start a new existence free of creditors or enemies who want to end your life. Therefore it is rather required you do this without trace. And this is not easy, even when a plastic surgeon has changed your scars, height, face and fingertips. Especially if a wife looking for support is after you.
In leaving behind your clothes and wallet on the beach or at the edge of active volcanoes to pretend you are dead, be sure folk don’t find your footprints where you were standing around climbing into another suit of clothes. In your new life be courteous to your new friends and don’t get caught up in a lot of tall tales about your past life that you can’t correctly tell twice. Lies really travel fast and you’d be amazed at how they can make some people remember you.
Upon Exercising a Realistic Thought
Little people don’t matter where big countries are concerned.
The Psychologist
This smug son of a bitch.
Upon Biting the Hand That Feeds You
First find out why the hell it’s feeding you. If it’s for a really damn good reason, instead of taking nibbles you can then take out chunks.
Forgiveness
Be careful, those getting this then do the unforgivable. Which is frequently a lot worse than the first lousy thing they did to you.
Upon Expecting Fair Play in High Places
You’ll get it if enough folk are watching.
When Some Supercilious Cunt Asks Is There Anything Wrong
‘Yes, you evil little man, I’m looking at your tie.’
The Old School Tie
This will, when worn in far off parts, give you some solace when recognized by another. If challenged in cases where you are not entitled to wear this representative garment, state to those inquiring who are so privileged, that you merely wanted to meet persons who have such right to do them the courtesy of directing them away from you towards the other bores so entitled.
Charm
Although this gets you going that way it can keep you from the top.
Upon Various Races Venturing Abroad
The Chinese keep quiet
The English get embarrassed
The Germans start pushing
The Swiss go home
Frenchmen get scared
Americans get stupid
And the Austrians open a boutique
Which the Hungarians finance.
Upon Being Down and Out
This is, if you’ve recently taken a shower, the same as being up and active except that you wonder what the hell happened when you weren’t looking to slam you there.
Meditation
Make sure you really need this on top of the worries you’ve already got.
Religions
Many fly by night religions, although flashes in the pan, can offer more laughs than the more established ancient ones. Most of these specialize in spiritual
contentment and offer adherents music and speeches in return for money donations. Choose a good one and ask to see an audited account of their activities. If they fool around with venomous snakes, don’t take these seriously and you will enjoy them all the more. Far Eastern religions are very popular as these are thought to harbour deep truths which are hidden by the modern civilized world. Be careful however, when they ask for a lot of your modern civilized cash. Religions which call upon you to give up all your worldly goods will often supply food and shelter but the wise man will keep a little nest egg by the by in case of prolonged emergencies when God doesn’t provide.