Jude’s eyes widened. “They have an altar?”
I nodded. “It’s like a ritual sacrifice—the sacrifice of the girl’s virginity. Of course, the actual deflowering can’t take place until after she’s shifted and run with the pack on her first hunt. That’s because she isn’t considered sexually mature until she has. But before the hunt, she’s tied to the altar in her human form so that the pack master can look her over and declare her a fitting offering for his lust.”
I looked into the fire, remembering that night, reliving it as I had tried not to for so many years.
“Luz,” Jude said softly. “You don’t have to go on.”
I looked up at him. “Yes, I do. You wanted to know—well, all right, I’m telling you. Unless you’d rather not hear the ugly truth?”
He looked at me gravely. “I will hear whatever it is you need to tell me.”
“Fine.” I looked back at the fire because it was easier to talk about when I couldn’t see the pity in his eyes. “They took away the robe and tied me to the altar,” I said, remembering the way the full moon had looked so white and uncaring, floating high above me like a ghost. “That was when he came to me and…and I started to be afraid.”
I closed my eyes tightly, remembering. “I wasn’t used to being naked and I had never…never been touched before. Not the way he touched me. He…his hands were everywhere. In my mouth, on my breasts, between…between my legs.” I swallowed hard. “He even put his fingers inside me to see…to see how tight I was. Then he climbed on the altar with me.”
“Luz—” Jude began but I held up a hand to stop him. I had to get this out now or I never would.
“He climbed on the altar with me,” I repeated. “And he told me how it would be—what he was going to do to me, how he was going to…to take me. He…there were other males with him—other alphas—and they laughed when he talked about it, when he said how much he was going to enjoy fucking me.” I felt raw inside but still I couldn’t stop. “He…he tried to fit himself inside me. But I was too tight and I was screaming by then. He just laughed and said I could scream until I was hoarse. Because…because after the hunt he was going to do whatever he wanted.”
Something wet and warm dripped off my cheek and landed on my clasped hands. I didn’t feel like I was crying but apparently I was. Still, waterworks or not, I had to finish my story.
“I thought there must be some misunderstanding—that what he was doing was wrong. You’re taught not to let people touch you like that—to report it to the nearest adult. So as soon as they untied me and let me go, I ran to find my mother. I-I told her what had happened and I thought she would tell my father and he would stop it.”
“That isn’t what happened,” Jude murmured and it wasn’t a question.
I shook my head. “No. She told me it was time I grew up and learned that not all of being an adult is pleasant. She said…said that I had to go through with it for the family—that it was my duty. And of course my father backed her up.”
I could still remember the horrible feeling of betrayal. The realization that what had happened to me was sanctioned by the people who were supposed to love and care for me and that they expected me to go back and let it happen again—only worse next time. I tried to tell Jude that but it hurt too much to put into words. I shook my head, deciding to skip to the next part.
“I knew then that I couldn’t get out of it. The pack master had accepted me as a sacrifice and by pack law he owned me—or at least my virginity. And after the hunt he was going to take it—to take me—on that cold stone altar, any way he wanted, for as long as he wanted. And this time the entire pack would be watching.”
I lifted the hem of the T-shirt I wore and blotted my eyes.
“Luz…” Jude’s voice was hoarse and when I looked up, I saw my own pain reflected in his eyes. Somehow I made myself go on.
“The time to shift came and all around me everyone was changing. People becoming wolves in the moonlight—it was magical. And I knew I was supposed to do it too—I’d been looking forward to it my entire life. But I just…”
“You couldn’t,” Jude said quietly.
I shook my head. “I couldn’t. I tried—or I told myself I tried, anyway. But then I couldn’t breathe and I started to tremble and feel sick to my stomach…”
“You had a panic attack.”
“The first of many as it turns out. But since I couldn’t shift, I wasn’t technically sexually mature. So Engle—the pack master, I mean—couldn’t have me.” I blotted my eyes again. “It was a huge scandal, of course. It ruined the ascension ceremony and both my parents and the pack master were furious.”
Jude’s eyes flashed red. “Savages.”
“Not in their eyes, they weren’t. To them, it was all my fault. To me too, I guess.” I sighed. “After that, nothing I ever did was good enough. My grades suffered because when I felt put under pressure—like trying to pass a major test—I panicked. I had terrible nightmares and I couldn’t eat because everything that went down came right back up again. I felt like my parents hated me—almost as much as I hated myself. I think…I think I would have killed myself eventually if it wasn’t for my little brother.”
“You care for him a lot,” Jude observed.
“More that all the rest of them put together,” I said. “He was too young to know what was happening—too young to condone it or to condemn me afterward when I couldn’t shift. Being around him made me feel calm and gradually I learned to forget, to push it under the rug and pretend it never happened.”
“That’s why I was so clueless when I first met you. I’d been telling myself for years that it hadn’t happened or that it wasn’t worth remembering.” I shook my head. “I pretended I didn’t know why I had panic attacks and freaked out under pressure, pretended I didn’t know why I couldn’t shift. And I did it so well that I believed it myself.” I pinched the bridge of my nose between my thumb and forefinger. “God, I wish I could have just kept on pretending.”
Jude frowned. “So what broke the cycle? Did your successful shift tonight bring it back? Or was it what happened between us a few nights ago?”
“Neither. Both.” I shook my head. “I think it was always in the back of my mind, to tell you the truth. I just didn’t want to face it. But lately…lately I’ve had to.” I sighed. “The past is bad enough but I have new problems now.”
“Oh?” He raised an eyebrow. “What happened to you tonight, Luz?”
I cleared my throat. “I’ll tell you but first you have to promise me you won’t take matters into your own hands. No killing or skinning or beheading anyone, no matter how angry you get. Okay?”
There was a dangerous gleam in Jude’s eyes. “And why must I make this promise?”
I explained about Diego and the way Engle had invoked the Rite of Blame on him. “So now if something happens to Engle—anything at all—until their conflict is settled, Diego is to blame. He could be banished from his pack or even killed—depending on how his own pack master reacts. It’s very serious—that’s why you have to keep your temper.”
“I am holding on to it with both hands, as the expression goes. Please, continue.” Jude made a motion with one hand. “Was it this Engle who threatened you tonight?”
I nodded miserably. “He’s still the pack master so technically, my virginity is still his to claim until he steps down. And I don’t think he will step down until he get it—gets me.”
“Didn’t I tell you that no one would take you against your will? He will never have you.” Jude’s eyes were blazing red by now, which I was learning meant he was either deep in lust or very angry. I didn’t think it was the former.
I bit my lower lip. “The thing is, I think he’s been planning this for a long time. He was the one who hired those two human goons who tried to kidnap me—I think he was going to…going to take me whether it was legal or not. Which it wasn’t at the time they tried to grab me—not by pack law, anyway. But now that I’ve shifte
d, no one can argue that it’s his right to have me. It’s his right to take my virginity.” I took a deep breath and looked at Jude. “Which is why I need you to help me get rid of it.”
He frowned at me. “What are you talking about?”
“It makes perfect sense,” I said, trying to sound logical. “It’s my virginity Engle is after. The moment it’s gone, he has no more claim or interest in me. I’m safe, my brother’s safe, and we can all go on with our lives. It’s the only solution.”
“No.” Jude shook his head emphatically. “No, Luz—I won’t do this.”
“You have to.” I lifted my chin and looked him in the eye. “You promised. This is my second request and you gave your word to honor it.”
“I didn’t give my word to rape you.” He was really angry now—his eyes glowing like coals in the dim room. He scooted closer to me on the couch but I flinched away before he could touch me.
“It’s not…it wouldn’t be rape.” I swallowed, my throat suddenly dry. “I-I’m giving you my consent. I’m not unwilling.”
“Luz, look at yourself.” Jude’s voice dropped and his eyes were suddenly normal again. “You are unwilling and I don’t blame you for it in the least.” He put out a hand to me and I flinched away again—I couldn’t help it. “See?” he said quietly. “You can’t even stand to have me touch you right now.”
“I can stand it,” I said. “I-I have to stand it. Please, Jude, this is the only way.”
He shook his head. “You sit here and tell me your tale of abuse and betrayal and then expect me to abuse and betray you also? I tell you, Luz, I cannot do it.”
“You have to,” I said, looking him in the eye. “You promised to help me. So damn it, Jude—help me!”
His eyes were blazing again and suddenly he was looming over me. “And how do you expect me to do it? Should I hold you down, ignore your screams and tears? Force myself inside you and take my pleasure no matter how you beg me not to?”
He was so close now I could feel the heat from his big body branding me. Every instinct I had screamed at me to run, to get away from the masculine form about to cover my own, but I forced myself to hold still. I didn’t move a muscle…until he cupped my cheek in his hand.
At his touch, something broke inside me. I jumped up from the couch and was halfway to the door before I could make myself stop. No, can’t run. Have to stay. Have to let him. As pep talks go, it wasn’t much, but at least it reminded me of what I had to do. I turned to face him, my breath coming short and my heart jackhammering in my chest.
“Do you see now, beloved?” Jude’s voice was gentle again. “You’re traumatized right now. It may take you weeks or even months to be ready to try anything physical again. Tonight is not the night for this.”
“Tonight is the only night for this,” I countered. “The longer I let this go, the greater the chances that Engle will find a way to pin some imagined slight or injury on my brother. I need my virginity gone now. This won’t be over until my scent changes and everyone can tell I’m not a virgin anymore.”
Jude was shaking his head and I knew I had to find some other way to convince him. “Look,” I said, making myself walk toward the couch where he was still sitting and watching me. “I know…I know I’m a little jumpy right now. But I swear I’ll try not to run away again. I mean, maybe you could tie me up and just…just do it fast. Couldn’t you please do that?”
“You’re asking me to tie you down so you can’t run away while I force myself on you?” He looked at me incredulously.
“If you have to,” I said stubbornly.
“Luz, please listen to me.” Jude put out a hand and, very reluctantly, I allowed him to take my fingers and pull me toward the couch. His hand on mine was scary at first but I forced myself to get used to it. He’d touched me much more intimately than this, I reminded myself. It was just that I was so jumpy right now.
When I was seated beside him, a good deal closer than was comfortable, he continued. “It isn’t that I don’t want to make love to you,” he said, looking intently into my eyes. “There is nothing I desire more—except not to hurt you. And what you’re asking me to do would scar you—scar both of us. It might solve your problem but it would make you hate me also. And I would hate myself.” He sighed. “I don’t want that for either of us. So please, beloved, don’t ask me again.”
I could feel my heart breaking because I knew everything he said was true. But at the same time, I still didn’t see any other way out of my dilemma. It was this or nothing. Now or never.
“I-I’m sorry if this is hurting you,” I said, watching his long fingers interlaced with mine. “But I can’t help it, Jude.” I looked up at him. “I need you to do this for me. I have to ask you to keep your promise.”
He took a deep breath and for a minute I thought he was going to be angry again. But all he said was, “Very well.”
Then he picked me up and carried me down the hall and into his bedroom.
Chapter Ten
The satin sheets on the bed were blood red this time—which seemed fitting considering what we were about to do. I tried not to think about my last abortive effort at sex in this room but I couldn’t help flashing on the way I had freaked out and run away the minute Jude had begun to enter me. God, how was I going to get through this? You’ll get through it because you have to, I told myself sternly. And besides, maybe it won’t be so bad.
Maybe it wouldn’t at that. After all, Jude was holding me, carrying me close to his broad chest, and I wasn’t screaming or struggling to get away. Of course, neither was I very relaxed or enjoying the closeness with him in any way. I held my body stiff, like a piece of wood, anticipating the moment he would lay me down and stop touching me.
It came soon enough when he deposited me gently on the bed and murmured that he would be right back. I wasn’t sure where he was going and I wasn’t sure if I cared. I just concentrated on not jumping up and running away. Instead I closed my eyes and imagined looking down on myself from the ceiling—a petite woman with long, curly black hair and dark eyes ensconced in a sea of red satin. I thought it must look as if I were lying in a pool of blood, which wasn’t very comforting. But before I could brood too much over the position I found myself in, Jude returned.
Dangling from his hand was a pair of handcuffs.
I could tell they were silver the minute he got close to me and very high content, at that. There was a sharp metallic tang in the air that alerted me to the fact. They would have burned any vamp or were they were put on except for the fact that the cuffs were encircled with thick black velvet to block skin contact.
But covered or not, they were enough to start my heart racing all over again. Easy, I told myself, trying to stay where I was and not run away. You asked him to tie you down—he’s just doing what you said. It didn’t matter how I tried to calm myself, though—I still stared at the velvet-covered silver handcuffs in dismay. The thought of being held down, unable to move while Jude parted my legs and did what I’d all but begged him to do had me in a cold sweat. But it’s still better than Engle, I reminded myself, trying to control my breathing. That was true. But there was no denying that no matter who took my virginity, it was bound to be an excruciatingly awful experience.
“Nice cuffs,” I made myself say, hoping my voice didn’t sound too shaky. “Where…where did you get them?”
He raised an eyebrow. “My father was a magistrate among our kind. These were specially made to restrain even the strongest vampire. There is absolutely no possibility of escape once they’re put on.”
“I-I see.” I had to blink rapidly because black spots were suddenly dancing in front of my eyes. It took an enormous effort of self-control but I took a deep breath and made myself sit up and hold out my bare wrists to him. “Do it,” I said, my voice tight. “Just do it quickly, that’s all I ask.”
“Luz…” He sat down beside me on the bed and put the cuffs to one side. Then he gathered me to him, cradling me in his lap. ??
?Be still,” he murmured, when I moved restlessly against him. “Be still, Luz. Let me hold you. Let yourself relax.”
I didn’t think I could relax—not with the thought of the silver handcuffs dancing in my brain, but I could let him hold me. We sat there, unmoving, for what felt like hours and finally I began to be less tense. Carefully, as though he was touching a wild animal that might bolt, Jude began to stroke my hair. He used a soft, almost hypnotic rhythm, his big hand moving over my curls in long, soothing strokes. So slowly I barely knew what was happening, he pressed my head toward him until it was resting on his shoulder.
The warm scent of his skin invaded my senses and the heat of his big body against mine began to seem comforting instead of threatening. I didn’t even mind the way his large arms encircled me, holding me close. It felt safe instead of scary to be held that way—it felt right.
“What are you doing?” I asked, my voice less shaky.
“Gentling you. I want you to know that no matter what happens, you’ll always be safe in my arms.”
How I wanted to believe him! I turned my face to the warm skin of his chest and breathed him in, filling my lungs with his comforting scent, allowing myself to enjoy having him close. I knew in a moment my calm would turn to fear, that the minute Jude put me on my back and spread my legs the panic would return full force. But I didn’t want to deal with that until I had to. Right then I just wanted to relax and breathe his scent and let him hold me.
After what felt like an eternity, Jude put me down carefully and picked up the cuffs. Immediately my heart rate skyrocketed and my breathing became more shallow. Here we go. This is it. No turning back now.
I held out my wrists again but Jude shook his head. “No, Luz, these aren’t for you.”
“Not for me? But then why…what…” I looked at him in confusion. But instead of putting the cuffs on my wrists, he put them in the palm of my hand and curled my fingers around them.
“They’re for me, beloved,” he murmured. Moving slowly, never taking his eyes off me, he pushed down his jeans and boxers until he was bare before me. He wasn’t hard—not yet—and he was careful not to crowd me once he was naked. Instead, he lay on his back in the middle of the bed and put his arms up over his head.